[klmillscats]

Scattybird, you’re very generous and I may take you up on your offer from time to time. How is my brain different from my husband & daughter? I should first say that I am not at all medically or psychologically qualified to make any statements except my observations over the years. First, I think it would be correct to say that my husband and adult daughter would be considered “high functioning” ADDers. My husband tried Strattera for a time, but decided the benefits didn’t outweigh the side-effects. Our daughter was on ritalin through adolescence, since then she hasn’t taken anything. And neither displayed any hyperactivity. As for me, I’m a linear thinker with somewhat of a photographic memory. My abilities to manage a schedule at home, and visualize where the keys and shoes were last dropped, seems to compliment their needs. And a sense of humor is crucial. Our daughter, now 27, has a boyfriend who seems to compliment her needs. He’s organized, and a “fixer” somewhat like me, one who can analyze a problem and sort out a solution. He’s also very patient with her. I’m so glad she’s found someone like that.
Are you familiar with the David Kiersey book, “Please Understand Me”? A co-worker introduced my husband to it several years ago and it has been very helpful. Taking the Kiersey temperament sorter test helped both of us to recognize strengths, and how our strengths might compliment the others weakness.
So, what is normal? In our home, normal is a family effort keeping things calm, somewhat organized, and we laugh and love a lot.

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[klmillscats]

Thanks so much to scattybird and kc5jck. Your insights and wisdom help me to understand what’s going on. I’ve found after 31 years with an ADD husband, as well as an ADD daughter, that if I can get a grasp of the ADD reaction to something, lifestyle adjustments can almost always be made. Again, thanks so much to you both!

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[klmillscats]

Scattybird, thanks for the input. It was very helpful!

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[klmillscats]

My husband was diagnosed about 15 years ago when we had our daughter tested. She also has ADD. At that time, there was no post-diagnosis counseling, you were simply referred back to your PCP for meds. But we went to a workshop in Dallas, and learned a great deal. One of the best things we learned is for the ADD spouse to “give permission” for the non-ADD spouse to give assistance. For example, as he goes to work and I would ask, “do you have your keys?”, he might bite my head off if he did have them, and curse himself if he didn’t. By giving me permission to run the daily checklist, we both learned how much grief it saved both of us. The objective is not to point out what he forgot, but for him to go out the door with the tools he’ll need for the day. He was also very resistant to making lists and using calendars, thinking it was giving in to his weaknesses. When I pointed out that everyone makes lists and uses calendars from time to time, he learned to use those tools as well, and has in fact, become quite creative in linking work and home calendars through his computer, getting reminders through cell phone, and we’ve begun emailing appointments to each other. The most valuable thing I’ve learned through experience and time, is that “less is more”. Nagging and raising my voice are the two worse things I can do. He shuts down, and my frustration level spikes. Chose your battles carefully. Where the business and chores of daily life are concerned, we both work full-time jobs, and I’ve learned not to work myself into a state of resentment because I’m not superwoman and he’s not doing what I might think he should. Since he’s a horticulturist by profession, it’s easy to delegate the outside chores to him while I try to keep the house in order and running. We try to play to our gifts; he’s mechanically inclined and I’m definitely not, so he gets those chores. Yet I’m not hesitant to call a mechanic or repair service if he can’t or won’t get to something. But I always make him part of the decision making process. Bottom line, remember why you fell in love with your partner, respect each others weaknesses, respectfully compensate for them when you can, and play to your strengths. My tombstone won’t read, “she kept a spotless house,” but hopefully I’ll be remembered for my character and humor. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and Blessed are the peacemakers.

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[klmillscats]

Wgreen, I appreciate the wisdom of your above post. As medical science advances, it seems that the brain is the “final frontier” and understanding ADD/ADHD is in it’s infancy. It’s difficult to diagnose, and even more difficult to pigeon hole symptoms into ADD vs Non-ADD characteristics. And I agree that people with debilitating symptoms should enter into any relationship very carefully and perhaps under the assistance of a counselor. If both parties fully understand (as much as possible!) the degree of the situation, and if both agree on what they want and expect from the relationship, I think it can work. Communication is important in any relationship, but even more so in an ADHD situation. But if the ADHD partner knows the difference between right and wrong, and if he/she enters into marriage as God intended, it can work. I guess through all this, what I’m trying to say is the ADHD relationship requires God and honesty to make it succeed. And as you say, no one should make promises you know you can’t keep. The notion may be antiquated, but it applies as much today as ever; just look at the divorce statistics in the US. Wgreen, thanks for your post and the courage to pursue this issue.

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[klmillscats]

Wow, quite a powerful post. But why stop with ADHD? What about those who have addictions such as alcohol, shopping, gambling, etc, who also may not uphold their marriage vows? What about the autistic? Where do you draw a line toward social purity? The truth is that every marriage is unique and takes on a life of it’s own. And as for our children, when you consider the orchestra of miracles required to result in a health child, there are no guarantees even in the most humanly perfect situations. I married what I thought was a very scatter brained man, who was and is extremely intelligent. I simply considered him a bit eccentric, and we adjusted our life accordingly. When our daughter was in 4th grade, teacher suggested we have her tested. As the counselor educated us about ADD and described symptoms, we realized she was describing my husband as well as my daughter.I think learning this has actually strengthened our marriage in that we allow a bit more latitude for those things that could be attributed to his ADD, as well as my reaction to them. We’ve been best friends for 30 years, and it just gets better. Meanwhile, our daughter is now 25 and in a very good relationship with a man who is also ADD, both very intelligent, and refer to their past relationships as boring. May God Bless marriage in all it’s shapes and forms.

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