[teabaglady]

I say “we” because I have been involved from the beginning and also have taken part in a few of the sessions. However, because “M” is an adult, that is at the discretion of the therapist and also with my daughter’s permission. I could have been completely blocked but am grateful that I was not. I have noted, however, that the therapist seems somewhat disorganized and follow through just doesn’t happen, appointments are forgotten, and so on. The therapist does certainly try and sometimes goes above and beyond with the effort but often it seems to disintegrate to just having a nice chat about life. So between “M’s” slippery resistance and the lack of continuity from appointment to appointment, there is little in the line of progress.

As for her father being involved, he avoids this completely. From the moment that the psychiatrists informed him that this most likely came from him genetically, he wanted no part of it. He raised the topic with them as he wanted it to be my fault and in spite of having classic AHDH traits and learning disabilities, he is in complete denial wrt his own problems.

I wish I could convince her stepfather to get involved and learn about the problems she faces but he resists anything to do with understanding the issues or therapy. Personally, I think he is afraid of it. He has many demons courtesy of his mentally ill mother.

There aren’t many resources available locally and even those that are seem to be struggling. We have attended an adult support group for a few months now and it is not unusual for the 2 of us to constitute the majority of the attendees.

Wrt the issue of housework, the housework itself is not the point. I can manage that nicely on my own. ButI know that she would feel better if she would get up out of bed and be somewhat responsible and productive. It’s one of those things that is a vicious circle once it gets started and I know from experience that the less she does, the less she wants to do, the more bored she gets and the more useless she feels and so it goes. When she is on the move and has purpose and is being productive, her mindset improves radically. The trick is to get her motivated to move and yes, now that school is “over” and there isn’t that imposed structure, it has become next to impossible.

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[teabaglady]

thanks for the responses Ginniebean and Dithl. I have stepped away a number of times as I want this girl to fly on her own–someday. My attitude is that I want to raise a functioning adult NOT to be a “helicopter parent” all of my life. UP til now it has actually worked reasonably well once past childhood and I only stepped in when she needed some help getting back on track. However, we seem to be using the butting heads in the household as an excuse to abdicate from any and all responsibility. Prior to this, the attitude was more along the lines of “I’ll show them!” Now it seems that we just want to disappear back into the days when all that was required of us was coloring. Now given her artistic talent, the coloring is quite advanced (think computer animation) and I understand her fascination with it but she refuses to even consider doing anything related to that for a career or job AND at the same time, refuses to do anything but draw and color unless I drag her out of the house. When this is the case, we are happy to go on field trips to various locations and activities as long as we don’t have to contribute. At the same time, she talks about how she wishes she could contribute.

I, too, see the late maturity thing in her and yes, this is very typical of ADD/ADHD people. We recently had a psychological assessment done and the result of this was that she can function fairly well but doesn’t believe this and her lack of self-confidence and self-esteem are the main things that are holding her back at this point. Yes, I could have told them that without going through 15 hours of testing. But when they suggested counselling etc for this, her response was that it would be no good. I dragged her (almost literally) to a session on coping with stress and oh she was not happy with me but after the session, she admitted that it was helpful. I think that she will make it someday but it’s the business of butting heads with my husband (and also with her father) that makes trying to get there so difficult.

Interesting, rbb, that you mention a parent who was mentally ill. This was my husband’s mother to a T and I hear her echoes constantly. She had an accident and I suspect that there was some brain damage along with the nerve damage that was diagnosed. The result was someone who was devious, sly, vindictive and downright cruel. 4 people bear the mental and emotional scars from the abuse they endured. Only one has sought help with this. Pity.

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[teabaglady]

“M” says that she doesn’t like the jangly feeling that the meds give her unless she has some activity to do. It seems to be a push me pull you sort of thing where she can’t get motivated to do anything when not using her meds and won’t take them unless she has something planned. Round & round we go. she had a psychological assessment started yesterday–she was there for a solid 6 hours and will be going back next week to finish it off. I would like to think that something would come of it but I am not terribly optimistic. She is also seeing her therapist tomorrow and I have made her aware of what is currently going on.

I went another 10 rounds with my husband last night which consisted mostly of him shouting (he is half deaf) at me and insisting that she is just being lazy. No amount of reasoning (when I did actually get to finish a sentence) changed his attitude. At this point, I don’t even want to talk to him about anything, never mind this issue.

Oh the joys!

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[teabaglady]

Thanks for your response Larynxa. My daughter was diagnosed at age 6 so we have quite a few years under our belts here. My sister also has a son who is ADHD and is very much involved in the research and advocacy end of things. My ex (my daughter’s father) is also ADHD but refuses to address it. Usually, I can work with “M” (my daughter), get her motivated and on task. However, it is different trying to work with her as an adult and she tends to just refuse to talk things over and digs her heels in, won’t take her meds and refuses all help. It’s like trying to nail jello to a tree. I suspect that this is why her therapist has had no success. There aren’t many coaches in our area and the cost runs at $130 an hour which is not covered under any medical insurance. “M” is far from stupid, has amazing artistic talent, and has remarkable backbone. She has watched many of the videos on this site but can’t seem to make the leap from there to her own life. She would like things to improve but as nearly as I can tell, she is hoping for a fairy godmother (aren’t we all? lol) I am at a loss as to how to motivate her to make some effort as, in the end, I can provide every prop imaginable but unless she will use what help is available it is useless.

I will definitely try to get her to check out the talk radio segment (if I can.) And I am going to get her to the support group meeting if I have to drag her.

Maybe my biggest problem right now is my husband. I can cope with one but not both of them. He knows about the disabilities–I warned him about what we were dealing with before we got involved and at that time, he did some research. However, now he is leaning in the opposite direction and is not very understanding to say the least. He can’t understand why a head on, military style campaign will not work and he doesn’t want to listen to me as he thinks I am just being too soft.

Tempting just to run away sometimes, lol.

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[teabaglady]

I should explain the result of requesting help with household chores–I either get agreement that doesn’t happen and if I remind her, she says she did it. Well, perhaps a couple of months ago but not since I asked most recently! And if I push it, I get a meltdown, angry, tears, and the “I hate myself, I am worthless, I wish I didn’t exist and I wish I could die” speech. As long as things are going her and she is not asked to do any work she doesn’t like, she seems happy for the most part.

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