Do we tend ot be loners?

[Anonymous]

Upon self reflection of my past friendships and business relationships I find that most of my life I have been alone, both personally and professionally. Even when i am at family functions i find myself feeling like the odd person out, even now that I am married. I tend to go off and be by myself. Just this past Saturday night I was at a Christmas party for a group that I am treasurer of. I know all the members and spend quite a bit of time with the other officers and many of the members doing the club’s business. But at the party I found myself eating alone and standing off and watching the party happen.

Anybody else do this?

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[Anonymous]

Amen, I’ve always been that way I’ve always felt very different than everyone else. Never really had any friends for very long. It may be because I live in Pittsburgh,PA. The people here are not very friendly like in other parts of the US

I’m 37 years old just finally getting treated for ADD, have had it real bad all my life.

I should have been treated 30 years ago, my life could been a lot better.

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[gforcewarp9]

When I was in school, I was a total loner, which is true for lots of a.d.d kids I think. But as an adult, I managed to find my way into a circle where my big personality was appreciated, and that gave me alot of confidence. Personally, I think alot of a.d.d.er’s feel like they stick out like a sore thumb ( I know I do) and we will tend to avoid people when we feel like giant weirdo’s. But if you can find one or two freinds who accept you the way you are, it will do alot for your self-confidence–and once you have that, you can be a sociall dynamo! At least that’s been my experience. Ed2020, you look like a really nice guy in your photo, nice big smile, come’on…what’s not to like about you? Of course I don’t really know you at all, but you do look nice.

However, I believe that my husband may have a.d.d as well, and he would very much relate to you two, so everyone’s a.d.d experience is different.

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[Anonymous]

LOL…..LOL I never said I wasn’t nice, Just the place where I live..LOL…LOL

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[Anonymous]

I’ve been a loner myself. My family kept trying to get me to socialize but I never really wanted to. I always felt awkward at family gatherings. At school people thought I was weird gay or retarded or whatever because I wasn’t a social dynamo and got picked on alot for it. I do socialize but i’m kinda pickey about whom I do so. I have realized over the years that yeah you can go out and be so called friends with lots of people but real friends the ones that would die for you are very few. I can have fun by myself and have no issues with that. I go to Museums and movies by myself and get out of it what I need. I went to spain with a school group but always went off on my own and I loved it because I didn’t feel bogged down with people and was able to mix with the local populace unlike the ugly americans that didn’t know spanish. I love NYC because people tend not to be in your face and those that do talk to me I have a great conversation with because they have something to impart. I want to move there but I need to get a good job there that I can hold onto. I hope to be able to make that move one day soon because here in Miami there are lots of pressures here. I hate the family reunions because I hate having to lie about my life because they’re all a bunch of wealthy professionals who like to brag about their toys and I’m the odd man out. People don’t want to understand us. everyone says if I’m making it why not you? and i’m in no mood to explain so i just lie which i hate doing. adhd or not there are plenty of people who like to be alone for one reason or another so don’t get down on yourself too much or blame it all on adhd. my mom kept complaining why i never found a nice girl and settle down. well i hate kids and most girls want to have kids. i have a different outlook on sex and marriage than most women so we don’t mesh. i can’t expect a woman to understand and sympathize with me and my adhd and anxiety problems if i’m not willing to cope with the trials and tribulations of raising a kid so I just screw around whenever i can. not romantic or politically correct i understand but that’s how it is. anyway, if the fact of being alone isn’t getting you down adhd or not don’t worry about it. if you’re feeling empty inside join a local club or something with people that have the same interests and take baby steps.

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[Ivriniel]

I would say I am a loner. I tend not to be very good at keeping in contact with people if I don’t see them on a daily basis.

If I’m with a group of people that I know, I do tend to be rather talkative and friendly. But when it’s up to me to maintain a long distance friendship, I find that very hard.

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[Anonymous]

I’m a loner too. Gatherings bug me because I have to try and stay ‘present’ and not zone out. It’s draining. Conversations are a challenge particularly. I’m also mostly isolating myself in large gatherings like office partys. I really try to avoid those.

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[Dennis]

Loner for sure. Yes, I know people, but I don’t know anyone that I could say I actually hang out with, including family relatives. I just figured I’m just not very good at that. I was amazed, for instance, by how many friends my brother has. They come out of the wood works it seems. We kind of have the same face, so when I go to visit him in his hometown I have people waving at me, honking their horn as we drive past, I’ve been greeted by my brothers name in stores.

Working with my definition, friends would be people that just drop by any time, or call you up to go somewhere,or just want to “shoot the breeze” with you (I assume no firearms are used in that last reference).

To be fair, up to five or six years ago, I avoided social situations like they were plague conventions. I could never get comfortable sitting, or trying to follow a conversation, and that includes relatives. As I got older I found myself biting my tongue, or I would just wander away as soon as I could.

My diagnosis help me change that somewhat. I am not the perfect guest, but I don’t care as much as I once did. I feel less worried about what I say, and despite the that old saying, I can so take back words, and I can explain, and if need be, I can apologize.

The other thing I learned to do, is I allow myself to move around. It helps me immensely to not fight the urge to explore. It also gives the folks a break from my amazing fidgets.

I saw the movie “Butch Cassidy and The Sundance KId” when I was a kid, and it has a particular scene that has always appealed to me. I got to thinking about that scene and figured out why I liked it so much. It’s the scene where Butch and Sundance are looking for work as hired gun hands. The boss puts Butch and Sundance to the test. With targets set up (cans I believe-classic), Butch goes first. He adopts his shooting stance and starts shooting. Butch easily impresses the boss by hitting every target. The targets are reset for Sundance, and as Butch did, he adopts a stance, shoots, and misses every shot. The boss is not impressed, and Butch is bewildered. He asks his friend what the hell happened. After Sundance hems and haws a bit, he asks to try again, and would be ok if he could move around some. Puzzled, but accommodating, the boss lets Sundance give it a try. Sundance begins. He rolls to the ground shooting, he springs up to the side, shooting. He keeps it up until he is out. He hits everything.

I am reasonably sure they did not put that scene in the movie just for me to have a moment, but it did help me realize just how inept and stuck I feel trying to do “things” the “normal” way.

Boy, how did I get from loner to the Sundance kid. lol

Dennis

Christmas Tree-er

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[billd]

Yeah, what Moka said………. I don’t like large gatherings, family or otherwise, don’t like busy stores or parking lots.

>>But at the party I found myself eating alone and standing off and watching the party happen.

Anybody else do this?

<<

Yes – yes.

This is what the test said about me, and it seems to fit ->

>>you’re NOT the extroverted, impulsive or restless individual. You are more the introverted, shy and quiet, albeit scattered one.<<

ED I’m glad you are getting treatment now – maybe late, but never TOO late. Your life WILL be a lot better………..My guess is you’re a pretty cool person. Come to our area, you’ll fit right in and be welcomed.

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[Anonymous]

There was one party I really enjoyed. It was at end of the school year party. I once worked as security at a middle school. I got to know lots of very nice teachers who did their best to make me comfortable in my surroundings. They knew how tough it could be and I am very grateful to them for doing so. I was able to come out of my shell. We flirted with eachother to cut the tensions we confided to eachother to get through the day with those rug rats. When my mother died during the summer in between school years they served as my counselors. We were eachother’s working spouses so to speak. Sorry for the long tangent. Anyway back to the party. I never got up and danced. That night I really let loose. I was totally uninhibited. I didn’t care who watched me or thought me a bad dancer. I was among friends. It was a great night. We all closed down the place. One girl I was dancing with got really crazy and she was about to cross a certain line with me but I pulled back because first she was drunk and alcohol shouldn’t do the talking for you. Second, she was a wife and mother and I know for a fact that I don’t have it in me to raise a kid and if one thinks himself man enough to take a woman you must be man enough to raise her child and I knew I wasn’t. Another reason I know that women consider sex to be something sacred. If there is a physical union they want a spiritual one as well and while I consider her one of my very best friends there is no way I can give her what she wanted however attractive she is and it would put us in an awkward state the proceeding year since we’re coworkers. So I pulled away. If I was younger I would have led my hormones do the talking for me and cross the line but being in my 30s I was able to temper myself and pull back. I took her to an IHOP and sobbered her up with coffee. She felt awkward after that night and there was some uneasiness between us because she felt ashamed of herself, but we talked and were able to put it behind us. If I had been more impulsive and committed the act it would have been very different. I’m just saying that we’re not condemed to being alone our whole lives. I’m just saying that adhd or not all anyone really needs is the right environment to bloom. Not everyone is a natural extrovert. For us it’s harder but we can have our buds. Don’t lose hope.

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[Anonymous]

Anyone know if add is anything like a slight autism of some sort? one day we should have a convention so we can all be in one room and avoid talking and looking at each other.. LOL

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[Anonymous]

Boy the question to end all questions! I know I am often a loner; I can be extremely extroverted but when “push comes to shove” I am a very private person. It really is hard to explain; if I don’t somehow engage in some form of conversation I can feel lonely in a crowded room and often do because I am always painfully aware of what I don’t share in common with others, for instance, I was born and raised in Hawaii but all I hear about is what its like up north. When I lived in Hawaii, as a child and young adult,I often couldn’t relate to conversations relating to sports since I am not very athletic.( although I can enjoy going to games or watching games with friends.) Long distance friendships often end. At one time, I thought I was experienceing depression since “alienation” is a common symptom then I realized I wasn’t feeling bad… just BORED. I also have bi-polar disorder and “classified” as a “rapid cycler” My moods can be ever changing sometimes from moment to moment; not the best thing to live with in conjunction with AD/HD.

I can deeply sympathize with all of you… To combat loneliness I often need to stop and look within and decide if what I am feeling is loneliness or bordom. If I am feeling shy then I know there is a likelihood that I am bored and I ‘m embarassed at the thought of someone finding out because I get self-concious about figeting; it is the figeting that makes me self-concious. It is sometimes hard but L found the only solution to that lonely feeling is to “reach out” and talk to someoone it may seem ackward but then I try to keep in mind that it might be ackward for the person I choose to talk to. Curiously however I often find common ground to base a conversation the weird part is I often forget introductions but then it did matter in the first place.

Hey Miguel! you want to talk about not likeing family gatherings; I now live in Florida my closes relative that I am aware of is in Northern California; your’e right it is tough to relate to family sometimes I haven’t had any “face to face” contact in over 20 years.

Kazuo

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[Anonymous]

Wow. Another common thread. For me it’s a combination of things that create this situation. First I get board just sitting around talking, there are times when it’s possible, but for the most part I need to get up and do something frequently. Second, when we are talking I tend to be involved in only a portion of the conversation because I’m thinking about what to say next and missing the important bits, tone, underlying messages, connections, etc. Third I get worked up and anxious and tend to talk myself out of going to most social things to avoid being uncomfortable around lots of strangers. Never thought of it as being overwhelmed by the stimulation of a situation, and I don’t have a problem meeting new people, but I tend to piss off those that get to know me and perhaps it’s a combination of facing those people and repeating my errors from previous encounters. Last I have known I was ‘different’ from most for a long time, but not knowing why created a lot of frustration and anxiety. Like Rick said in one of the Videos “I used to suffer with ADD, now I live with it.” There is a big difference between knowing and guessing, this thread might let me understand why better so I can cope better. Cheers!

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[Sirisly]

In social situations I’m either talking up a storm or struggling to not zone out. Large crowds are overwhelming. It’s too much work to “work the room” appropriately and I usually end up sitting of to the side deep in conversation with just one or two people. I’m also notorious for cutting close relationships short. As soon as I get close to anyone I inadvertantly pull away. I think it’s because it takes focus to do all those relationshipy things like talk on the phone and make the impression that you give a crap about random, boring stuff. I’m good in the beginning because it’s new and fresh and exciting. Eventually I zone out of the relationship just like I do conversations.

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[Anonymous]

Very interesting! I too have always been a loner. I believe that I am a loner because I switched from school to school as a child. I was in Special Ed and I all the school switching made it difficult to form lasting relationships. I do not have many friends today because I didn’t have them growing up. Sometimes I feel badly about not having many friends but I enjoy my own company better then the company of others.

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[Author]

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