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Do we tend ot be loners?

Do we tend ot be loners?2010-12-20T22:50:08+00:00

The Forums Forums Emotional Journey Is It Just Me? Do we tend ot be loners?

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  • #98224

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I can truely relate to Laura’s point of needing 1 on 1 interactions and yes class in a community college setting also satisfied my needs for human interactions..

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    #98225

    Anonymous
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    Post count: 14413

    Loner.

    Definitely not my favorite word–or state of being.

    I have always felt like a loner on the inside and an extrovert to the outside world. Since I was a little girl I have felt this self perceived separateness from others in my peer group and even within my own family. I am innately mercurial by nature, which often confuses many of my friends, family and social or business acquaintances. When I experience the burn out or “Total fatigue” that Rick so appropriately has coined, it causes great emotional imbalance which ultimately adds to my external and internal personal chaos. I feel unable to function at an overall and optimum level. And because of this, many people question (including myself) my commitment and conviction toward my interests, my work and my overall mental health. I feel disjointed and scattered. I have been jokingly called “shrapnel” due to my machine gun articulation and tendency to skip all over the place during a conversation. One topic relates to another and so on and so on. (It was this particular reason I was always invited to parties, since I was “so entertaining”, but that realization actually caused me to withdraw even further into myself).

    “Get the Balance Right” not just an 80’s lyric, but the story of my life…Something that I have yet to attain, but I have not given up the quest…It’s “how” I seek the balance these days, that has really begun to change.

    And, I am obviously. not alone…

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    #98226

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I hope you find a workable solution to your delemma…

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    #98227

    Curlymoe115
    Member
    Post count: 206

    I can be very social in a comfortable situation. But I usually put myself to work. While everyone else is out chatting I am in the kitchen getting the dishes started. I love the noise and the flow as long as I have no need to be part of it. I hate large crowds so we usually socialize in the small house party setting and my husband cannot stand people in his space. When I do make conversation it is usually one person at a time. I also seem to invite confidences so I find out things about the person they would never tell the rest of the group. Then when they are keeping up with the Jones’ I am usually biting my tongue to stop myself from correcting them.

    I have 2 close friends. One I have known since I was 10 (42 now) and the other I have known for 5 years. My friend of 32 years is a single workaholic and we catch up every few weeks. My other friend is a married mother like myself who feels overwhelmed by the responsibility of keeping everything together. So for the most part my role is to pick up the slack. But we usually get together every couple of weeks for a day of shopping and have a great time. She has dozens of “friends” but I am the one that she usually calls when she has a crisis because she knows that I either know what to do or will find out. It makes me feel in control of my out of control life. So we both win.

    When we get together with her social circle the other women usually resent me because I don’t keep to social boundaries. When we go on cook-outs I bring food for my family that I know that they will eat. I don’t pack enough for 3 days so that we have 6 dishes that everyone can share. They are all trying to one up the other by bringing exotic dishes that they need to cook and has to be kept at a certain temperature. For 2 years I socialized with the one woman and because we were never really introduced I just called her bossy. We will have plans to go someplace and she will call the other couples (because they all socialize together constantly) and they will change the plan and we only find out once we get to the meeting place. For the Christmas get together I was able to finally talk my friend into a pot luck. I made a dish and put it in the crock pot and the first comment out of the other womens mouths was “is that all you brought”. There were 12 main dishes for 30 people. They made 25 cups of rice. More food then you would see on a buffet and still they wanted more. As it was the left overs would have filled a fridge. My husband was really offended on my behalf. He wasn’t feeling well and that made him want to leave right after we walked in the door. We did leave after 3 hours. On the 30th we got a call from my close friend that if we wanted to we could stop by Bossy’s house on New Years Eve. Unfortunately as gracious as the invitation was hubby had to work on the 1st. Had to decline.

    So for our big New Years Eve celebration we just made chinese food, had cheese cake and were all tucked up for the night by 11 pm. It isn’t terribly exciting but we had a good time and we weren’t forced to do what anyone else wanted. Happy New Year to you all.

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    #98228

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I would consider myself as a social-loner… I do know a lot of people, I did a lot of party, knew people from different sport … Still, people I know never call me, they tend to like the person I am, but they won’t hang out with me… At party, I’m almost speakless, I go in my corner and stay there, else I intrude myself in others conversation, but go away after few momments… I never kept my friends that much long or I stay closer to those who look more like me. In fact, one as just been diagnosed ADHD, another show bi-polar symptom, and my best friend is as quiet as I am…

    A funny fact from my childhood… My parents would invite “friends” from my preschool at my birthday party… after a few moment I hide myself in my bedroom even if the party was far from finished… This loner thing is what’s getting me depressed the most, I have a hard time knowing new people and even though women flirt with me often, I have a f*ing difficult time getting a girlfriend. Shy, too weird, low self-esteem and big oppositionnal behavior is not something good for me to meet the right girlfriend

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    #98229

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I haven’t read all of the post associated with this,

    But i am a 20 year old guy, i was diagnosed with add when i was…7 i want to say, i have been on a number of meds and i tried getting 100% clear of them when i was i high school. ADD to me has never been more that a med and a description of who and what i am. I have lived my entire life feeling like the weirdo that the earlier comments said. I think that it is hard to be human, much less a kid or ADHD.

    the funny thing is that even with all of the hype around being a loner i think that it does help some ADD people, i consider that it helped me learn to be self sufficient. But at the worst of my times with the meds, i stopped truly understanding the nature and the make up of a conversation, where if you asked you how do me make a conversation i wouldn’t have an answer, i went from being a talkative little kid to a teen completely unable to relate. I always have trouble that ADD is looked at as a school issue or a work issue, well i don’t think it is, it’s a social issue that if treated improperly leads ADD people to being very low on self esteem and other social and mental tools that are key to human development and overall happiness.

    I’m no doctor, i haven’t done any studies, i’ve just read somethings and lived it, so i don’t know if i have other problems on top of the ADD but i can’t see them unassociated.

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    #98230

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    Wow, seen and reading all your posts have been a God sent. I stumble unto this web site because I was watching on PBS about the documentary. I’m the mother of 14 yrs old boy that was diagnosed with ADHD at a very young age. My son is very bright but the teachers in our schools are not trained to deal with children that are ADHD because they are normal. He is going through those teenage years where everyone is trying to find where they belong.

    He is having a hard time because he is being teased and taunted because he is “weird” and often asks me: Mom, why people are always rejecting me? They don’t care about me at all. It is heartbreaking for me to hear them say that and sometimes I don’t know how to help him. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks a lot and Happy New Year.

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    #98231

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    mgregg4,

    living with it, i don’t know how it must be to raise a child with ADD, and i don’t know if this helps, but i know i always desired those close social bonds, and regardless of how much my parents praised me or fought me it was never helpful. mgregg look for those things that you child thrives in or is interested in, encourage him to look into groups with those interests. my break through socially was in college after i was brought into a larp club and the people involved were like me and truly were interested in me. Finding a way to get him choose to be with people who care about him, and he needs to choose it. Hope this helps, i don’t have any thing but that, when he is in with those people his grades should improve and he will just be better overall.

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    #98232

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I, like toofat, love social gatherings. Possibly for different reasons or in a slightly different way…..

    I’m like a popcorn fart in a frying pan.

    Popping from one little group to another, joking, laughing

    having a great time. When the conversation gets stale, which usually happens pretty quickly after i shut up, I’m off to the next group.

    Yep I’m a loner even in a crowd.

    I love to hear myself talk, sometimes (most always) after the party, I replay in my mind over and over the clever little things I come up with..

    Yep I’m a loner…..

    And better yet, sometimes I prepare for an upcoming social event to the extent that I am planning and recording in

    my mind what I will say in different situations and to each and every little “group”. You would really be surprised how many of my

    pre-thought -out comments and statements I actually get to use…. Leave them laughing hysterically while I pop off to the next group.

    That is If by the time the social event arrives, I still have the stamina to go after all my meticulous planning.

    A small gathering, now that’s a different story…. Not my cup of tea at all… I can only excuse myself to the restroom so many times

    without alarming someone…

    Yep I’m a loner…..

    Private friends, one-on-one? I think I do fine and I have several friends that I care a great deal about and would do anything for.

    They (my friends) on the other hand think I don’t care, think I don’t put out the effort it takes to sustain a friendship or

    they don’t see me as a friend at all. I never call “them”, I never initiate anything is the way they see it.

    We became friends, we are friends, now why in the world do I have to keep doing things to prove it???

    Yep, I’m a loner…………

    As long as I’m in good company, (and i am) what else could matter?

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    #98233

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    For me, this is just another one of those ADHD dichotomies that pisses me off. Pisses me off, because its hard to explain to others who do not have the condition. I would say that I’m a loner. But there are times when I love and need to be the center of attention. This confuses those around me. They wonder why this guy, who has the ability to bring down a Hall with laughter as an MC at a wedding with over 300 guests, would rather hang out by himself than chit chat with the guests individually. Weird eh? I can be on stage preforming to an audience…chatting with a group of hundreds, yet get me in front 3 or 4 people around a punch bowl, holding tiny crackers with tiny bits of cheese on them, and I’m looking to jump out of the nearest window.

    I’ve been diagnosed ADHD over the last year and as I look back at behavior patterns, I see that at Christmas parties and Birthday parties, ect… I often find myself gravitating away from the others.

    Sometimes, it’s because I’m really bored with idle chit chat. Other times, I feel inadequate with the person or group I’m speaking with. Like…they’ll find out I’m a Nub Nub. Other occasions, I get confused and fed up with listening and trying to understand nonsense. I have a low threshold for long and detailed explanations of ignorance and stupidity. Lots of regular “normal” people thrive in such discussions. grrrr

    I like time spent alone. And I also like the juice of entertaining.

    This made me laugh. Its George Carlin talking about boring people.

    Check out… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyWsFfd9pqE

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    #98234

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    mgregg4

    High school is just plain hard! If you live in a large enough community get him involved w/music, volunteering, sports, chess, book club… Check-out http://www.meetup.com lots of different people & groups doing lots of different things. It may not improve his social life at school, but it could provide the desired sense of belonging. Also look into DeMolay, it’s a social/leadership/civic group for boys ages 12-21. My brother (super ADHD) got a lot out of it, & even enjoyed it! Boys his own age, camping, vounteering, parties… He only did it a few years, but 10 years later with a wife & two kids, I still see him using what he learned. http://www.demolay.org (for girls ages 11-20 http://www.gorainbow.org &/or http://www.iojd.org both focus on leadership & community service). The only reason I have any self-confidence at all talking to people is because of IORG (gorainbow.org) Other than band, these groups are the only things that got my brother & I through school.

    Have a look, hope it helps.

    Peace

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    #98235

    Amy
    Member
    Post count: 161

    Yes, but at least in my case I think it has to do with needing time by myself to wind down. I get really irritable if I don’t get my away time (as in there is no one else in the house – at all!).

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    #98236

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    cork8695 I totally agree with you. I think it can be overwhelming in larger social groups. I tend to be the one that helps out with the work. to get out of the pressure of chatter.

    Mind, as I am getting more comfortable with meds, i find I can have easier confersations. Today for example, I spoke with an aquantiance on the phone for 30minutes, that is more than I have spoken to her in the 30years I have know her.

    It is enjoyable to feel this normal.

    I do find I don.t do well in large groups. I tend to move around alot and if I am not helping , tend to leave early.

    Markj….. you nailed it for me. challenge is to move around enough so that if you disappear cuz there isnt enough stimulation, nobody gets excited:)

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    #98237

    trashman
    Member
    Post count: 546
    #98238

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I’ve found a book called “The Edison Gene and the gift of the hunter child”. The author has an interesting take on ADHD from a genetic perspective, why this wiring is so important and in fact likely responsible for the survival of our species. Check it out online on Amazon. Cheers.

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 69 total)