There's a "tone" to my voice that everyone hates

[Sean E Bravo]

So I’ve been having this problem lately. I can’t seem to say anything without people getting upset with me. I could be in a narrow hallway with a stack of books in precarious balance in my arms and be stuck trying to get around 3 or 4 people. I’ll do the polite thing and say “excuse me, I can’t get by” and then will find out that people thought I was really rude in the exchange. In my opinion, it would be the other people who are being rude…they were in the way, could very easily see me and should have just moved out of the way in the first place…to find out later that I was the rude one because they were in my way boggles my mind, but things like this happen all the time. To me it’s like wikipedia, if everyone else says I’m wrong than I”m wrong, no matter how right I feel.

In the past I’ve just tried to keep my mouth shut and do everything on my own. By not asking for help from anyone, or expecting any input from anyone, I could easily avoid interactions where people think I’m being rude. I’m Canadian, I value being polite, and I try to be polite as much as I can…so I get upset when I find out that people think I’m rude. So I try to find the root cause of it, and NO ONE can EVER give me a specific example that makes sense. We’ll go through the situation (whatever it may be, the hallway eg is fictional) and the same point comes up. “I don’t know, it’s just your tone” or “it’s just how you say it”. This is hurtful to me, I don’t like making people feel this way, especially when in my head, I was trying to be nice and was pretty sure that was the tone I was putting forth. Apparently, I do this ALL THE TIME and it’s forced me to be hyper-vigilant in making sure that everyone’s okay and no one’s offended, which sorta makes me look like a nerdier George McFly. My wife is probably going to flay me alive if I ask her one more time “are you mad at me”?

I’m rambling…in summary does anyone else encounter this? Is there any way to recalibrate one’s tonal barometer to better reflect reality?

The above post was posted with the most careful and polite tone

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[Geoduck]

LOL!!! Your post was absolutely polite.

Not to make you paranoid, but FWIW, the last time I experienced this was a work situation. One of the guys had decided that I needed to go. He started talking behind my back and encouraging other people to engage in this type of behavior you are experiencing. He was pretty popular in the workplace. People figured it out and he was exposed for the ass he was. I was still so devastated by the whole experience, that I found another job and left.

Back to your situation, though. ADD people are more sensitive to criticism, from what I understand, but not always sensitive to other’s feelings. Maybe you shouldn’t take others criticisms too much to heart, but do pay attention to how you are speaking to people. Try to talk to them the way you would want them to talk to you. Just not to the extent that you lose your mind over it. Keep in mind you may be taking this to heart more than you should.

However, when your holding a stack of books, people should understand that you aren’t going to engage in polite small talk before asking them to move. My hubby does that. When I was in labor, he was getting upset because I was barking orders of what I needed at him. When a lady was asking for help in his yard, she was just telling him what to do, but he wanted to have pleases and thank-yous with every request. She was in a hurry, it was hot, and not fun for an old lady.

Hmm…Maybe hubby is Canadian? LOL! Nope. He’s an Okie (from Oklahoma) through and through.

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[Anonymous]

@sugargremlin — way to feed his paranoia!

@Sean I get this all the time. I’ve been called on the carpet for my emails having a “tone,” and my wife and family often “read” emotions that just aren’t there. It’s frustrating, because I can be having a perfectly pleasant day, and someone close to me will say, “what’s the matter with you.” It’s like everyone speaks this emotional language, and I’m a deaf mute. On the plus side, it makes me a great poker player.

One thing my wife said that kind of helps (she’s English, so somewhat of an expert in politeness): the more words there are in a sentence, the more polite it sounds (depending, of course, on the words). For example, in order of least polite to most, a muddle (non-ADDer) would prefer:

1. Move
2. Please move.
3. Could you please move.
4. Could you please move out of the way.
5. I’m sorry, I cannot seem to get past you there; can you please move out of the way.
6. I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but I cannot seem to get past you there; can you please move out of the way, so I don’t drop these heavy books?

I’ve found that my ADD makes me very utilitarian. I have no patience for anything that doesn’t get the job done, so this excess verbiage is not natural for me. But living in their world, I have to make accommodations.

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[Sean E Bravo]

haha, thanks everyone so far.

@pete

I’ll do #6 and will find out 3 days later that an email complaining about my attitude was submitted to the boss In my mind and memory, That’s where I’m lost

When it comes to my family, I’m just afraid (and fairly convinced) that I’ve conditioned them to think that I’m just having a “Defensive” day all the time and thus in a situation they think I’m going to freak out in…and I’m being cognative and trying to make sure I’m not…they start reading into it…then I react in anger I’m learning though!

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[laddybug3]

People mistake when I am excited about something I get louder, which makes me sound angry. Other times, I get angry because people sometimes do not understand me.

Somehow people complain to me all the time. I volunteer at a place where people are happy to visit and sometimes the thing they wanted to see is sold out. Once this lady got so angry and yelled at me for a half an hour. I got tired of it and told her about the suggestion box. The place even placed a security guard by me. I even had a lesson how to act when people get to close. Blah, blah, blah. Half the time I stop listening because I am scared of them and the bad reports I may get, but the minute I mention the box they go straight to it.

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[Anonymous]

pete- I’m all confused, did I post here? lol. the word paranoid and my name have been used together at times . I used to have trouble at work when asking people questions when I was a new. I meant my questions to sound like an eager new graduate, but apparently they were taken as direct challenges and second guessing of those higher on the hierarchy. I think rapid firing questions with breaks for just air and when other people are busy is an ADD thing, right? lol. I also didn’t follow directions exactly as described.. it is all about the outcome, right? they were such a group of uptight, intolerant (*)#*heads. My new workplace likes me because I am excited and enthusiastic.

I do accidentally offend people all the time, but I think it is usually what I say versus how I say it, or just accidentally ignoring them.

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[memzak]

Sean, have you ever recorded your voice and listened to it? It may be helpful if you record what you said to someone and got a complaint and see what your tone of voice sounds like. Listen to it right away and then again a few days later. Its worth a try.

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[Geoduck]

@sugargremlin, he was talking about me. He got my squirrel and your chipmunk mixed up. LOL!!!

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[billd]

Sean and pete – thank you both so much for your posts.

Once again I now feel the “so it’s NOT just me” thing.

You’ve helped make this a better day…………….

I sort of feel like Jessica Rabbit at times. (in case no one recalls that… “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way. “)

Quote:

He got my squirrel and your chipmunk mixed up.

I hate it when that happens!

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[Anonymous]

OH! thanks for clarifying geoduck. i was confused and think I just totally non-sequitored all over this post. sorry Sean!

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[Anonymous]

@Sean E Bravo,

Just out of curiosity, are you by any chance on stimulant meds?

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[newday]

I can completely Identify with the tone thing, I also get questioned about facial reactions am I angry? The thing is I am not angry (just trying to concentrate) and as far as my tone I try to say things so I am heard and as quick as possible so I do not forget. Is this common?

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[billd]

YES ChrisKelly – that IS very common. It’s definitely an ADD thing. Fleeting thoughts – they come, you must get them out ASAP lest you lose them, so you blurt in meetings, etc.

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[Sean E Bravo]

@Memzak – that’s an awesome idea! I think I need to do something like this, but I am very afraid to do so. I usually give up on diaries and things like that too, because when I go back to review what I was thinking or saying at the time, I end up getting embarrassed or angry with what I had written or said. So maybe there’s half the answer right there.

@wreckedangle – Yes, I’m on Vivanse 50mgs right now. They haven’t been working as well as they did 3 months ago. I can’t really tell if I’m being irritable due to the meds (which I do think are a factor…more on that in a bit) My wife is also fairly terrified of me going a day without vivanse, so I haven’t really put it to the test. I’ve been getting feedback for this behaviour as long as I can remember, so even without the irritability sideeffect of a stimulant I still get reports.

I’ve been working on modifying my behaviour. I really see it as a do or die situation for me, I’m a good guy, I don’t have a bad bone in my body, so when I get feedback like I do, it really bums me out…I don’t want to be mean, aggressive, confrontational or anything…but apparently, many people see me that way. Many of my friends now are aware of my attempts to identify and remold my thoughts and behaviour, so I’ve had some good fortune with some insights this weekend. My wife finally got it nailed down into words…and I know she is right.

She said it’s that when people approach me with feedback or with a request or question there are times that I look up and respond to them with an expression and tone to my voice like I’ve somehow been offended by the interruption. This makes sense to me, I don’t like getting distracted and messing up my tasks. I take negative feedback to heart and it lingers for days and even years depending on what was said so I try to avoid it, and inadvertently respond with some anger. In my head I’m simultaneously the center of the universe and the person least entitled to happiness, so that’s part of what I have to work through. And I’m going to start trying to stop, take a breath, smile and then respond to people, instead of just blurting out the first thing that hits my lips. This whole situation needs to get fixed. It’s been the catalyst for the disintegration of many of my interpersonal relationships, and I just can’t afford to lose any more friends or alienate any other people.

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[Anonymous]

My very first job out of college was at a Pain Management Clinic that employed a psychologist to help people with the depression that comes with chronic pain. One day he told me that I needed to ‘monitor my tone’ after I had once again hurt someone’s feelings inadvertantly. His explanation was that I was so ‘naturally sarcastic’ that whenever I was attempting to be sincere it STILL came off as being sarcastic.

For me, and I assume for a lot of us, I think that the ‘sarcasm’ was a defense mechanism for the constant strain of critcism I felt that I recieved on a daily basis. I always said that I don’t have much, but I have my wits

The problem became that I was hurting people more and more and found that I had to explain myself or ‘mend fences’ on a near constant basis. The thing that I tried, and I don’t know if it will work for you is kind of waiting a beat or two before responding to anyone. I find that sometimes, because my mind is racing, I will be formulating my response AS the person I’m interacting with is talking ( loved when I found out that was an ADD trait, BTW) and that I wasn’t really concentrating on EVERYTHING involved in the conversation so I was missing maybe a certain emotional component from the person I was dealing with so the response sounded very snarky. I try to listen, as tortorous as that can be sometimes, until the person is done talking and then respond. Things have changed, but I’m still a knee jerk responder, or I guess ‘knee jerk jerk’ from time to time.

Like with most things unique to me, the people who know me and love me are comfortable enough to let me know when I sound less than sincere or even nice. I tell people now that the ultimate irony in life is that I’ve been struggling with expressing myself in an accurate way as the world hurdles towards texts, emails and social networking for communication.Talk about difficulty in reading between the lines!

I love the idea of recording your voice. I hope everything works out for you.

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