'God' is punishing you

[Anonymous]

That’s what my mother said when I told her I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago due to failures in college, related to undiagnosed ADD.

When I told her that I have ADD, she told me that “it’s all in my head” and that I can control it if I put forth the effort. After all, she overcame her anxiety using her brain…now she sounds like Charlie Sheen.

She’s actually a really oversensitive person…which makes it ironic. It’s no surprise that my family didn’t support me during my depression, or now with this new diagnosis.

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[Anonymous]

Sounds exactly like my family. My dad is the typical adult male raised in the 50’s where men don’t talk about or understand stuff like depression or mental disorders and my mom is a lifelong depression sufferer who is over sensitive and always on the verge of a breakdown but thinks that if she can cope with her depression everyone else should be able to cope with their problems too. Thankfully I have a wonderful girlfriend who understands to the best of her ability what I am going through and has made me see that despite my parents lack of understanding they do actually love me and want what is best for me. It would be nice if I had the same support from my family but these forums have helped me see Im not the only one feeling the way I do or struggling with feelings and what should be simple tasks on a daily basis. Best of luck Valerie you actually caught me on a positive day lol one of the days where Im happy I finally have a diagnosis for feeling so damn crazy all of my life and am anxious to find ways of dealing with it even if my parents don`t understand what I am going through.

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[Patte Rosebank]

@valerie102 – What a thoroughly hateful thing for your mother (the one person supposed to do everything to protect you) to say.

The concept of “God” is used to justify and excuse more evil than any other.

Centuries ago, people knew far less about the world and about illness than they do today. If you didn’t know why something was the way it was, you just said, “God did it” (or “this person has been possessed by the Devil, which must be beaten out of them”), and that explained everything.

It was also wonderful justification for invading, torturing, slaughtering, pillaging, etc. All you had to do was say, “God commands that we do this” (conveniently ignoring that the Ten Commandments forbid such things as murder, theft, and covetousness), and you were home free. In fact, you could commit the most unspeakable evils, and still get into heaven, simply by bribing a priest (otherwise known as getting an indulgence), or by repenting on your deathbed and leaving all your worldly goods to the Church.

You’d think we’d have gone beyond that sort of thing today, but, apparently, you can get fast-tracked to sainthood, despite claiming it was God’s will that you devote all your energies to protecting the image of the Church than to protecting millions of innocent children from abuse.

It is things like this that have opened my eyes to the fact that “God” is just a concept created by humans in order to exploit other humans.

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[sdwa]

The “God” I believe in is unconditionally loving, wants the best for us, and doesn’t go around punishing anyone, because S/He doesn’t need anything from us. Just my opinion!

Having struggled with recurring episodes of major depression throughout my life, and having gotten the ADD diagnosis in middle age – well, what can I tell you but I have found there are many people in the world – family members, teachers, religious leaders, and even therapists who should know better – who will claim ADD is not real, or who will call depression a moral failing. And that can be discouraging and demoralizing, especially when it’s necessary to interact with them on an ongoing basis. What I’ve found, and continue to need to practice, is that it really doesn’t matter what other people think. There is no shortage of people who believe they know everything, insist they are right, and refuse to hear anything different. For me, believing and knowing God loves me (as evidenced by my having been created in the first place, as the omnipotent Creator can do whatever S/He wants) goes a long way toward alleviating the impact of the judgments of others. On days when I have my own doubts about ADD (i.e.. is this just another fashion trend in the therapeutic community?) I remind myself it doesn’t matter what’s true – what matters is getting my life to work better, finding ways to focus on the things I do well, and making time for those things.

I don’t know if this helps at all, but I would encourage you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If other people don’t get it, that’s no reflection on you.

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[Laura]

Ugh…why do people SAY things like that?! I’m so sorry valerie102.

God has actually USED my ADHD for his benefit! How many “regular” people would give up life in North America and go to a third world country with just a suitcase? My family and I (everyone ADHD except my husband) lived for years in dangerous situations because we felt God asking us to do so AND WE COULD HANDLE IT!

ADD’ers are pretty dang good in the midst of crisis.

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[Bill]

Laura – That’s AWESOME (and should go in the awesome adhd conversation!

http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=806

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[Anonymous]

Not to mention all the inventions (Thomas Edison had ADHD) that we have due to ADHD. God gifted us, not necessary WITH ADHD but with the ability to “use the power for good”… THAT’S the God I believe in. Tell your mom Valerie102, that she’d still be sitting in the dark with no TV, no radio, no computers or anything like that if it hadn’t been for ADHD.

My family doctor of 23 years eluded that my ADHD was all in my head. I rewarded that comment by finding a new doctor who truly understands. (Her brother has ADD)

As for the being pretty good in a crisis? My aunt told a airline flight ticket agent one time that I would be the best person to put by the emergency exit door ‘cuz I’d have people out before anyone knew there was trouble. She said that was BEFORE we knew I had ADHD!

I betcha the person(s) who helped get all those people out on the wing of that plane in the Hudson River had ADHD!

AND I wouldn’t be surprised if I heard that one or more of those Navy Seals that just completed that amazing feat of skill in Pakistan had ADHD… you gotta be an adrenaline junky as well as brilliant to do that kind of stuff!

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[Anonymous]

Thanks all for your kind words, and sharing your experiences. Ironically, my mother has always had my best interest at heart. Even though my family doesn’t talk about our ‘problems.’ I know they’re always there for me. And surprisingly, she’s been really ‘supportive’ of my recent diagnosis, in contrast to my ordeal with depression. She doesn’t really know anything about it (yet, I’m gonna let her watch Add and Loving it!), but I’ve just blown it at school and will be ‘kicked’ out of the program I’m in until next Spring. She didn’t get angry or call me lazy; she just asked me if I will be back next year, and what I’ll do to take care of things. Perhaps it’s all making more sense to her now (my struggles with school, inability to get anything done).

As for what she said about ‘God’ punishing me, I only attribute it to the ignorance that seems to accompany many (but by no means all) religious followers. I know the intent wasn’t malice, but it sure hurt like hell. And as for recently (like this month!) blowing it at school, being diagnosed with ADD (April!) and not knowing how to get help without the means…..visiting these forums has been really helpful in reminding me that I’m not alone. Moving forward! One day at a time…

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[Anonymous]

I really love the Hindu view on ADD/ADHD. In their perspective a person that doesn’t want to settle down is close to “divination”, because of all the things she needs to do this “last life” before transcending.

And Varg Vikernes from Burzum.org would probably view it like this through his glasses of old Norse religion: Life isn’t a dance on roses, it’s a test. The harder your life is, the more the gods are concerned for you, as they want you to develop and rise out of the ashes as a better person than ever. If you can make it, you prove not only to yourself but also the the gods that you are worthy being equals amongst them.

As a judeo-christian view, can’t it be that God tests you extra hard, because he know that you can handle it? Perhaps some people needs to pull extra weight from the original sin, but if you can manage it it would actually mean that you do something noble for everyone else who can’t handle when life goes against them.

Be happy it’s you and not your (say) sister that got ADD. You have so much to gain from it. When you stop being angry at your mother for not knowing better is the day you take a step closer to becoming a better person. Forgive her, but by all means, teach her about what ADD is.

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[Anonymous]

For Dann_e: Actually, as mentioned above your comment, my mother has been supportive of my ADD diagnosis. Although she wasn’t supportive of my ordeal with depression a few years ago, I’ve let go of any resentment I had towards her, because I understand (though not agree) her viewpoints. And, I know that above all, she really wants the best for me. Also, as mentioned, I’m working on sharing information with her about ADD…At the same time, though, I’m still learning about it myself. So one thing at a time.

Now, your comment “Be happy it’s you and not your (say) sister that got ADD. You have so much to gain from it.” is really astounding. Although it feels like a curse sometimes, I don’t believe I should be happy that I got ADHD instead of anyone else. Perhaps you view it as a blessing; I view it as a challenge. Anyone who has a challenge finds a way to rise to it….ADHD being one of them. And funny side note, I won’t be surprised if my sister is diagnosed with ADD sometime.

I do want to mention that my original post was not meant as an attack on any religion, or any religious members. It was simply a response to the forum topic ‘Most Ignorant Thing You’ve Heard.’ And, I don’t mean it to say that all religious people are ignorant.

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[Anonymous]

So in addition to wrapping your head around your depression and your ADD, you have to also contend with the fact that an omnipresent being felt the need to ‘strike’ you down? I tell you, the more I read these forums, the more I want to hug people and say, “The fact that you brush your teeth everyday is an accomplishment!” Lack of support is one thing, but to be completely emotionally neglected and verbally abused instead of being supported in your diagnosis and treatment. Insane. My father is still trying to absorb my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. He’s 60, so he’s got the mindset that mental illness is a ‘product’ of something. When I took him out to dinner to discuss my diagnosis, he said “I don’t understand, you weren’t abused as a child. We didn’t lock you in a closet or beat you.” Years later, he asked me if my psychiatrist and I had a game plan “You know, for when you can stop taking medication.’ I feel like these attitudes and things like “It’s a made up disease” are the main culprits in why people either quit taking medications or don’t get help in the first place. The shame and the stigma keep us noncompliant. The problem with it being all in your head is that it is all in your head!

I combat the problem with my sarcasm and humor. I tell my dad that my ‘illness’ is hereditary so “I”m not the only nut in the tree.” I have told him that the fact that I have a diagnosed mental illness means that quite literally I can get away with murder, etc. I know that he’s saying things to me based on just a general ignorance to what things like ADHD mean, and because parents, spouses, family members often see these things as a failure on their part, or an excuse. I can’t tell you how many times, after people learn about my struggles, I get the response, “But you seem so…NORMAL.” of course, after that, they cringe anytime I ‘act out’ as though I’m going to flip over a table or open fire. I tell people all the time “My anger has nothing to do with ‘not taking my meds’ and everything to do wtih you being a dick!” It’s a challenge, everyday, but remember that you are fighting the good fight and when all is said and done, you being okay with you is the ultimate goal. You can’t explain to people what’s going on in your brain, but I’ve found that for ever 5 people who put you down or doubt you, there are 2 people who will support you and love you, and to be honest as time goes on, we’ll all realize that there are more of ‘us’ than there are of them. Then what will they say? If this was some sort of curse from God, I’ll take it over any of the other things out there. Hands down.

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[Anonymous]

Steffie: Thanks for sharing! It helps to read your story and know I’m not alone. Incidentally, I found out I spoke too soon when my mother asked me” Do you really BELIEVE you have ADD?” My Dad thinks I just need “rest”, and I have to find this out from my mother, who’s apparently on the fence now, after I told her I was going to inform them about ADD. This, and one of my sisters told me “I thought you were joking when you said you had ADD.” The conversations about it stop there.

***Thank God friends are there for you when your family, as much as you love them and they love you, isn’t.*****

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[Laura]

Bill, just read that “Awesome ADD” thread…VERY cool. Where would this world be without us? 😉

I hate to add a “yea, but…” to all this ADD glory, but…since my husband is the only non-ADDer in our family, I would force myself to listen to him when he thought something was too dangerous. I love the thrill of danger, so sometimes I can put myself into situations that aren’t healthy…or thought through. It’s REALLY good to have him by my side! Most every time, I end up thanking him for stopping me (though I might be really ticked at first!).

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[Anonymous]

Valerie102: Really? your family was surprised with your ADD diagnosis? NO ONE I told was surprised…. Oh… wait… we’re talking family… that’s different … sorry… they always look at things like that as a failure on their part… especially parents. If you explain it to your sister, she’ll not be surprised. If you give them examples of some of the things that they are aware you did and that you believe are a good example of ADD…. My aunt didn’t believe me and thought it another excuse for “bad behavior”. I told them do you remember how I ALWAYS forgot my keys/purse/whatever? Do you remember how often I had to stay in at recess to get my work done? Do you remember how quickly I got married after college when all of you thought it was the wrong guy? (they were right) and how consistent I was at this kind of stuff? THAT’S ADHD.

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[Geoduck]

Your mom being sensitive doesn’t seem ironic, it seems appropriate. If ADD is highly genetic, it has to come from somewhere, and guess what a symptom of ADD is? Hyper-sensitivity. Sounds like a possible link to ADD in your genetic family tree. Of course, this could be part of her anxiety, as I’m discovering some overlap between the two, while looking into anxiety with my daughter.

Also, if there is something wrong with you, she might feel she is to blame, as she raised you. This might account for the sensitivity, too. By laying the guilt on God and whatever you did to piss God off, she’s trying to deflect off her and back to you (and God).

I hate when people ascribe pain to God, as in “God is punishing you,” or it is “God’s will,” or “God is weaving pain so you can experience life to the fullest” (what nonsense!). But I don’t think you are writing to be convinced of this. If you were, you would have posed the question differently, but it sounds like you know what is true, so I’m not gonna go into it anymore.

What was I gonna say….

Oh yeah. Do you think this might be generational?

In my parents generation (mid-70’s now), people do not discuss these problems openly. They were expected to “suck it up” and move on. Anything like ADD was seen as a character flaw, and certainly wasn’t addressed in adults, while it was just beginning to be medicated in children. My father won’t address his ADD at all, and even my brother, diagnosed as a child, thinks he’s outgrown it, and he’s only 40. Anxiety is one of these things, too. It was just seen as something you need to work on yourself, which is why I suspect your mom feels she’s fixed it.

As an another example, when I had a miscarriage, my midwives warned me not to expect sympathy from the older generation, as they just do not allow themselves to publicly discuss such things and were expected to immediately just get over it and try again (a sentiment I found repeated in that stupid “what to expect” book, that I promptly tossed into the garbage). I thought this was weird when I heard it, but they turned out to be dead on, regarding the older women in my life. There was a certain shame surrounding the subject, as if it were the woman’s fault she couldn’t carry a child. I think this attitude also includes any psychiatric problems. Basically, reproductive problems and psychiatric problems are shameful, private, and not up for discussion.

Yes, it was a stupid thing to say, but it sounds like you’ve come a long way with her, and she with you. I’m glad you’ve been able to find some good ground with her.

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[Author]

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