Still Skeptical

[Carrie]

Toofat,

I agree with you. I think the “way” our brains work is excellent as well. Elite? Im not as bold hahaha (I do think its cooler hahaha). I guess I am still not grasping the concept of how people can’t see or understand in the ways I do when it is so effortless, but then I guess it goes the other way, cause they tell me simple things (bad example) 1+1=2, I don’t get it. “What do you mean it equals two? That doesnt make sense! How? Are you sure? Really? Your serious??” hahaha

I think a really silly moment for me was 2 years ago when I realized that things that say they are made in China are REALLY MADE there and COME from there. My husband laughed his head off and asked me what I thought that tag meant, and I said “I guess I never really thought about it before” hahaha

Anyways, enough of the trail off… I really like your view. I cant wait to find my “niche”. In this last year I have been thinking about who I really am, what kind of person I want to be, not what others tell me I should be or expect me to be. Find out what I stand for and fight to the end for it, instead of being so indecisive. I was starting to get depressed and boggled down by “my” laziness, lack of motivation, failure to finish anything, and not being able to organise my thoughts never mind my piles of papers everywhere! Im happy I found out that these things can be solved and that it wasn’t my fault (cause God knows ive tried and tried to fix them!!).

I am so overwhelmed by all the support here, I finally feel at home and like I belong somewhere!!

Thank you all soooooooooo much!!

Carrie

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[Anonymous]

Carrie,

Maybe I am asking a silly question… Have you seen ADD and Loving It?! If so, it is a good thing to share with people around you who just don’t seem to “get it!” You can get ADD and Loving It?! as well as a fantastic organization guide put out by Rick Green from this website I don’t know where you live but I can tell you both DVDs are priceless and a must have because the can be used to help you create the reality you want. (not that you can always share that reality) but you can at least create a frame of refrence that you can live with. The organization DVD is particularlly useful because Rick who has ADHD goes “step by step”on how you can get your enviroment in order and I can tell you once you get into it, it is addictive enough that you want to keep it up, It can be done and you can do it with the right tools in hand.

I hope I am not being too forward ,but,… where do you live? You mention something about a small town and that it was difficult to get help there. I know how difficult living in an enviroment that is not supportive can be; I pray that what ever you encounter, it is not putting undue stress on your marriage. Our temperment can be “mercurical” constantly shifting with “ebbs and tides” this can be very hard on a relationship.

I am originally from Hawaii I left home because no one seened to understand, moving to Florida I once again learned no one “understood me” In my “quest” to be understood I’ve been through three marriages and countless heartaches. The people I have hurt over the years makes me wonder why a hurricane was not named after me, in the wake of the devestation I have caused over the years. Here I am, five thousand miles away from home with my closest relative three thousand miles away and only now one person in my family has started to understand me and I love her dearly for it.

Forgiving myself was hard, very hard, it took me through periods of homelessness including a short stint out on the streets of St. Petersburg; a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder, years of “rollercoastering” on medications where after a year they woould become ineffective, I even went into a period where I had severe panic attacks, I was so overly medicated that I was a “zombie” yet the bouts of extreme terror from the attacks continued on.

Things at one point was so bad that, I had a dream that a car was coming straight for me and I was about to be hit, that is, until I was startled back into reality by a car horn blaring in my ears!

The fact however is I survived my “karmic retributions” i.e. payback for all the bad things I caused, and yes, I am wiser and happier for it although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

What I learned from my odyssey was little pearls of wisdom; from the Catholic church I learned “it is better to understand than to be understood” From Christianity I learned “Seek and you shall find.” this is iinevidable although you may not know when it will happen; from a book called “Illusions” by Richard Bach I learned that “We all create our own reality.” If something exist in our lives it is because we put it there.” “Perspective use it or lose it!” was one of the admonishments I learned from the book; from Zen Buddhism I learned. “If you see a flag flying it is not the flag nor the wind that moves but rather your mind that moves”; finally from another form of Buddhist I once practiced I learned that “Only in the murky swamp can you see and smell the beautiful lotus flower.”

You see one common thread in all the insights I have learned over the years and it can be summed up by saying; “The art of living is a matter of how we view the world around us;our atttitude about our experiences is key to happiness. In the worst of circumstances it is still possible to be happy.”

Carrie your happiness may not always be easy to achive however regardless of your circumstances you can achive it as fleeting as it is sometimes. A hardship, is a hardship, is a hardship but your willingness to extract a life lesson that can forward a better life for you is the one way you can always come out “smelling like a rose”

I’m glad I met you on this website Carrie…

K

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[Carrie]

Hey K,

Wow that is quite an adventure! I have not seen the DVD no, I will certainly buy it and watch it, and have been looking into something, anything, to help me learn how to organize.

As for relationships, I really lucked out. I have been married 4 years this year, we’ve been together for 7. It hasnt been easy. Been quite rough. I call myself the “bad one” of the relationship due to my ever changing mood and impulsiveness. But thank God my husband is VERY patient and VERY supportive. He is my all and has helped me greatly. We are in this together for the long haul and strongly feel that way. We’ve had our long nights talking and crying, and sorting things out (mainly my actions and brain). I think its going to be hard to forgive myself for all the things I have put him through and all the pain I have cause him. It still brings tears to my eyes at this moment. But I do understand that in a storm I can be happy.

I have encountered many storms so far and thankful for everyone of them because they have shaped who I am, and have taught me many things about life. I generally have a good outlook on everything, I believe life is what you make it. However I fail to be nice to myself. I am one of those people who are hard on themselves “I could have done better, why did I do this again when I KNOW it was stupid the first time etc”. I can see everything and everyone else in such a positive light, as for me… Im trying. I always say IM AWESOME! But at times feel like the worst person in the world. I then think, “I can’t all be that bad because my husband and kids love me so much (especially my husband after Ive hurt him so bad), are still here and have kept me around” which has kept me going in a good way. I’ve asked how he could love me when at times I can be so nasty, and he told me the times when im happy and hyper far outweigh my moodiness and are worth it. That always makes me feel better.

But now I am walking a new walk, I HAVE hope that things can change where I was starting to lose hope!

Thanks again!

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

If someone has an ADHD symptom that I don’t have myself, I’m actually skeptical that it’s really ADHD. I actually think, “Oh, she’s just lazy or stupid or something.”

Hilarious! I think that’s just human nature. We’re so ingrained to think that if we can do something easily, everyone else should be able to as well. And if we can’t so something that everyone else can, clearly it’s a personality flaw.

I mean, I can’t really understand why people have such a huge fear of speaking in public. “Sure, I get a bit of a flutter just before the curtain goes up, or my name is read out, but hey, that’s exciting. That’s part of the rush.”

Once I’m onstage, i hate to leave. I did a 60 minute talk at the University of Regina a few years back and it went almost 2 1/2 hours! Okay, IT didn’t go on for 2 1/2 hours. I did. Mr. Motor Mouth. And people were enthralled. And desperate to pee.

Whereas for most people ‘speaking in public’ is their number one fear. More than death. To me, that’s just weird.

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

One more thing.

When I’m skeptical that something I do, or don’t do, is because of ADHD, I only have to stop taking medication for a few days.

Suddenly I’m more easily distracted, more rushed, lost in thought, and far less productive.

Then I realize these aren’t moral sins, but simply symptoms of a brain that’s short of key chemicals in certain spots.

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[Anonymous]

carrie, i doubt you’re the ‘bad’ one. maybe you’re the tempestuous one- and if so, maybe it’d be worth considering that while storms can be frightening, they can also be thrillingly exciting to be around, stunningly beautiful to watch, alluring and enticing in appeal, and cause sweeping change that is positive, as well as negative.

i’d much rather weather a storm and sometimes feel a little bit uneasy, but really really alive, than just mill around on a very boring weather day- apparently your man would too.

and kids- they can take a lot more than most people realise in their stride- as long as they know that they’re loved very much, always will be, and that your moods aren’t about anything they did wrong, or anything to be frightened of, but just about your wiring being a bit different. if you’re open and sincere in your efforts to do your best by them, and aren’t afraid to stand up and admit when you’ve had a ‘special moment’, and make amends for it if needs be, they’re gonna learn some really important life skills. kids who grow up in a home where nobody shouts or cries or gets hyper or screws up and says sorry, where nobody struggles often and succeeds sometimes, doesn’t others, but keeps on getting up and dusting themselves off and having another go- they’re gonna have a lot of catching up to do further down the road.

my partner weathers a lot of storms too, and says he does so because he knows i’m not angry, upset or sad in a malicious way, and he never forgets who i am underneath whats happening in the moment- someone who is amazingly kind and nurturing to others, incredibly insightful and quick on occasion, a wealth of random knowledge, hilarious to be around, who feels things pretty flipping deeply, who has come a long way from where they started- clawing and kicking their way through adversity, and who is always, always…. *looks at clock- crap!* very very late.

don’t be afraid to be you- if anything just strive to be the happiest, most authentic you that you can.

… tmy poor man, hehehe. *throws clothes around and curses clocks*

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[Anonymous]

Carrie,

Isn’t it amazing the kind of responses you get? Now I wish someone will tell me how I can post my own questions on this website and see what kind of responses I get. You see I still,” kind of live in the stone age” I am still a bit computer illiterate learning as I go being in school again pushes me along but still have alot to learn.

P.s. Remember you are still the one creating your own reality; it is impossible to good to others without it rubbing off on yourself

K

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[Anonymous]

Carrie,

Almost forgot! I am so relieved to hear, that you got a stable marriage and a loving family! See what kind of reality you created for yourself. Now what is there to be skeptical about?

K

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[Carrie]

Rick – Thanks for the reply. Your right. I cant wait to start treatment and see the difference it will make! UGH its hard waiting!!

Jen – I love your view on “storms”, I never thought of it that way before. My husband and kids know very well im not angry with them ever. And when I do soemthing stupid I always apologise and explain to them how I was wrong. I have come a long way since being with my husband. When we first were going out I was really bad, but he has helped me calm down so much and I have learned to trust him and go to him when I just cant do things or get overwhlemed.

Kazuo – The responses are very amazing! I never thought I would have so many excellent answers and support! Thank you all!!

To post a question go to Forums, then click a title (work, etc) then scroll all the way to the bottom and you will find a place like this one to post a title and your thoughts, questiong etc!! Good luck! I hope this helped!

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[Carrie]

Oh and Rick, I just read over what you said and saw: Then I realize these aren’t moral sins, but simply symptoms of a brain that’s short of key chemicals in certain spots.

Wow! I love this statement! I will remember this!! Thank you!

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[Anonymous]

Hey Kazo…….. go to the bottom of the page in what ever “Main Heading” you chose like “Emotional Journey” it will say something like “start a new topic” …….. (you have to be logged in tho)…..click on that bit at the bottom…away you go…..

toofat

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[Anonymous]

Carrie if your considering the internal journey……. self discovery….. understanding what you “seem” to think and why. Really knowing what’s important or “seems” important to you and….where did that all come from….what it means… or doesn’t mean??? There is a wonderful book called “Fully Human Fully Alive”. My counselor ( I’m going back years now ) gave it to me to read…. told me it was the best book he ever read on understanding ones self and what we hold true and why. I read it….. bought one for me…. and have referenced it many times since. For me it was great, I really gained a serious amount of insight…….. it has nothing to do with ADD specifically…… it is about our perspective and who we are and why…….. how we become who we are. It was the best book of that nature I’ve read, I’ve read lots!!!! Sooooo…..if your wanting a great look inside yourself…… and interested in getting to the heart of you, really you, not the you others have told you to be….there you go. I will tell you right off the top (as I was told) There are some references to god……. but they are meant as spirituality, not organized religion of any sort. Your spirituality as you know it….. that is not the focus tho…. just heads-up.

From your comments in your post you seemed more than curious…..”In this last year I have been thinking about who I really am, what kind of person I want to be, not what others tell me I should be or expect me to be.

I have recommended that book to others……… with great feedback…… they always end up buying their own copy after they have read it!!! For me it was a great place to start….. and it’s an easy read too.

toofat

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[Anonymous]

Wow…….. Incredible posts ….. I read them all………..Hyperfocusssssssssssssss. LOL Seriously, The support provided through the keyboarded words you share with each other is really amazing and you really should pat yourselves on the back for being so articulate. You are all so non-judgemental, understanding and carring. Great Job………

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[Carrie]

Njadd, I agree! All of you here are amazing!

Toofat – Yes my internal journey. I guess im just at that age where I want to know who I am, why im here, and the greater purpose to life. Im tired of running in circles and dead ends, and cover ups (drugs, alcohol, etc). I did humor a friend about the ADD part, but I think its really playing a big part (of course it is) in who I am, and why I do the things I do “Ooooh look at this pretty light *touch* OUCH!! that hurt! *2mins later* Ooooh look at this pretty light! *touch* OUCH that hurt! What the heck would I do that again! *and repeat*” I dont want to repeat anymore, slowly im not, but others are getting hurt as am I. Im not worried about the book containing spirituality. I believe in God. Not man, or what man has made God out to be, but I figure, “God if your real, then teach like you did before all this religion garbage, if you are what you say, I know you can and will do it”. Little steps! One day at a time! I will look up the book, and all the other books! Will buy the DVDs (need to get out pen and paper to write them all down! haha)

Thanks again all you wonderful people!

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[Anonymous]

Carrie and toofat,

Thank you for your help.

Carrie,

Your last post reminds me of one of my very early adventures when I was about five, I decided to smell the cigarette lighter in my fathers car when it was glowing hot! talk abouch OUCH!!!!!!! I was called Rudolph for weeks (as in Rudolph the red nose reindeer) it really is weird what you remember from childhood.

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[Author]

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