[MelissaTex]

jeneticallymodified – From the dozens of books I’ve read on the subject, the addiction is only permanent in that the learned pathway the addict created in his brain will [almost] always be there. But the brain is very “plastic”, and when one pathway quits being used, the neuronal connections shrink and the neurons create other pathways. The brain is very “use it or lose it” when it comes to its real estate. Just how when a sighted person becomes blind, their other senses pick up the slack, so to speak. Experiments have been done with blind-folded volunteers where the amount of space in their brain devoted to “seeing” actually shrinks during the hours and days the person is without sight. Other functional parts of the brain move in and occupy the space. I highly recommend the book, “The Brain That Changes Itself” as a Neuroplasticity 101 primer. It’s highly readable, written for a non-scientific audience.

So when I said I had assumed a porn addiction was like alcohol or meth addictions – ugly and painful, but not permanent – I meant the behavior. “Acting out” is not required for survival. Learning new ways to deal with difficult emotions and stress – reparenting oneself – is the starting point for editing a particular behavior out of your life. Learning new behaviors and overwhelming the brain with thousands (millions?) of new neural connections will go even further in shutting down the comfortable “reliable” old pathways. But, yes, just like how you never forget how to ride a bike, the neural pathway for “quick hit of outrageously wonderful feelings from a destructive behavior” will never go away 100%. It can be reactivated, if the person chooses. But the more reparenting and new behavioral learning one does, the harder it is to reactivate.

It’s one reason I disagree hugely with the 12 Step beliefs. It’s not a disease, and no one is helpless against it (whatever “It” is). It’s a learned coping skill. One than can be “unlearned” and replaced with beneficial behaviors and emotional maturity. It ain’t easy, but it’s more than doable. I also think that going back to 12 Step meetings day after day wherein “It” is discussed and rehashed, and is the sole reason there’s a roomful of people, is a great way to keep reminding the brain about this quick fix with the awesome high. Aside from the downright “bad science” that is spread by the 12 Step movement, this constant talk of one’s “It” serves only to keep the person rooted in place, focusing on “It” for the rest of their lives. (But, that should be reserved for other topics or other boards. Just wanted to point out where the belief that no one is ever “recovered” but is only ever “in recovery” comes from.)

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

Squeeler – I shared this thread with my one girlfriend. I found her response to be, ah, enlightning:

> “If a dog bites you every time that you try take his bone away, why would you continue to try take the bone?”<

“That’s the kind of [bleep] that a person who physically abuses someone would say. “You know that it makes me so angry that I can’t control myself when you do that!!! Why do you make me do this!!” Squeeler is putting all of the blame on you, just like an abuser puts all of the blame on their significant other.

“Tell Squeeler there’s another chick from Texas that’ll take his freakin bone and then happily beat the [bleep] out of him with it. “

And while she expressed it rather, um, “colorfully”, her position is true. Because, in reality, if I had a dog that bit me every time I tried to take its bone away, I would call in Cesar Milan to rehabilitate the dog so that it quit biting anyone anywhere for whatever reason. And if that didn’t work – the best help from the top expert – I’d put the damn dog down.

Alas, that’s not an option in my situation. Sending the dog to a shelter or dumping it on a country road also isn’t an option. My best current option is to limit my exposure to the dangerous, hair-trigger, biting dog. Dangerous dogs do not get to sleep at the foot of the bed and have the run of the house. They are kept in a kennel or on a short leash. Also not options in my case, so I am confining myself to the kennel, for safety’s sake. When the dog will fetch you its bone, wag its butt like a happy puppy, drop the bone at your feet, and sit waiting for you to pick it up and throw it for him – and then tears your arm off when you reach for the bone. . . well, it quits being about the goodness or rightness of the bone. Yes, the dog can have it’s frickin’ bone. Who cares? But does it have to keep bringing it to me and then shredding me when I try to interact with it and / or the dog? That, my friend, is insanity.

At no point do I think that “letting it go” and forgiving the psycho dog for biting me – repeatedly, with no warning – is the answer.

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

Oh, and Squeeler, to answer your last question: I got involved with him because I was at another very low point in my life, in the middle of a nasty depression. At the time he told me he *used to* (past tense) have a problem with porn, but that he had seen how much it was ruining his life, and so checked into The Meadows for 90 days of “rehab” and had been faithfully attending SAA ever since. He was also going to AA, and hadn’t had a drink – or hit of meth – since some time in the late 80s, early 90s. Silly me, I thought addictions are addictions are addictions, and that if someone is so dismayed / disgusted by their behavior to have sought such extreme help (90 days in rehab!) plus daily attendance at SAA meetings, then he must be sincere about porn being part of his past. I didn’t realize the full depth of the truth until he moved in with me. . . from three states away. I was still under the misconception that a porn addiction was similar to his alcohol or meth addictions – ugly and painful, but not permanent.

I bought books, joined COSA and Al-Anon groups online, went to a therapist, all in an effort to understand, not condemn.

It is only recently that I have given up and realized that he will be a pervert until the day he dies. He doesn’t *want* to change. He just wants people to think he does. The only thing important to him is people’s impression of him, not what he truly thinks or feels about himself. I get that he probably does feel a tinge of shame – when he gets caught. And that’s what probably drives the requests for help. But enough time passes after being caught in a lie (and NOT just about porn; he lies about everything) and he no longer feels any psychic pain from it, and so no longer has a reason to even pretend to want to change. In the past, when I have reminded him that he asked for help, and that he is now repeating the same train-wreck pattern as before, he has torn into me – and I have responded. Now I stay in my room and let him wreck his own life. There’s no need to drag me into it. Just so long as he doesn’t alienate his entire customer base and can continue to bring home a handful of $100s a week, then I see no reason to expose myself to his constant duplicity, hypocrisy, and rage.

I wonder why you see it so differently?

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

Hi Squeeler. I “catch” him because he has asked that I monitor him. He swears that he wants to break his addiction and has asked me to, at various times, install CyberSitter, install monitoring programs, set the parental locks on the cable box and TV, help him find books about both breaking a porn addiction and about emotional growth in general, and begged me not give up on him. When he continues to find ways to look at porn despite (in spite?) of all this, I have said, “Look, you obviously need porn in your life, why won’t you just be honest about it? I won’t ever approve of porn, but I can have more respect for an adult who is honest about who they are than one who lies to everyone – including himself – constantly.” He gets *very* angry at that suggestion. His position remains that the porn addiction is a burden, one that he wants to get rid of. No, his behavior doesn’t bear him out on that belief. But it’s his one and only take on his addiction.

Accepting him for who he is: A compulsive liar, emotionally immature, combative, and a pervert, is exactly what I’m doing by moving into the spare bedroom and staying in there whenever he is home. Since I’m not in the position to boot him out right now, the best I can do is ignore him. Yes, he absolutely sees it as a punishment, no matter how many times I have explained that I am just protecting myself. He sees everything I do, just shy of grabbing pom-poms and performing a personalized cheer for him, as punishment, as an attack.

Oh, and it’s not just me confronting him about porn that gets him riled up. It’s anything I say or do that isn’t 100% loving praise of him. For example, he started bringing fishing gear out of the back room a few weeks ago on a Thursday night and leaned it against the wall by the couch. I asked, “Are you going fishing tomorrow?” And he said, “Yeah,” and then demanded, “Why?!? Is there something *wrong* with that?!?” I didn’t bite. He also, just last week, put a turkey in water in the disposer side of the sink to defrost, leaving the disposer unusable. I asked him why and he said it was because there were dishes in the other side of the sink. . . dishes that were not HIS. I asked why he didn’t just move the dishes. He yelled back, “I SHOULDN’T *HAVE* TO!” So I asked why he didn’t just holler for the owner of the dishes (only two possiblities, me or my mom) to come move them so he could use that side of the sink. He yelled back, even louder, “I SHOULDN’T *HAVE* TO!” And then went on a tear about how we’re all three adults who ought to be able to clean up after ourselves, no excuses or exceptions. Uh huh. And at that exact moment my mom was taking his laundry out of the dryer – which had been there for two days – and putting it on the couch so she could use the dryer. I pointed out the hypocrisy of what he was saying (yelling) and noted the laundry. It just made him even more angry, so he backed into one of his favorite tactics – dredging up anything I’ve ever done that was a mistake and telling me I shouldn’t dare be saying anything about his hypocrisy if I won’t even acknowledge my own. (Never mind that with every one of my mistakes, I acknowledge them, remedy them to the best of my ability, and do some serious journal work if it happens to be a mistake I am repeating.) And the examples of his “we’re all adults” hypocrisy have piled on top of themselves dangerously since that day. The crap he spills and doesn’t wipe up, the dirty dishes and pans he leaves for someone else to clean, yet another load of laundry left (in the washer this time), running the checking account into negative numbers, cooled bacon grease flung all over the inside lid of the trash can in great big globs – and all over my water glass on the counter above the trash can. . . crimeney, the list is *literally* endless. Because you know what, he’s human AND he has ADD (in addition to a monster-load of other mental/emotional issues). I’ve got no problem whatsoever forgiving people for their honest mistakes. Because I have to forgive myself for them, too. And not only do I forgive, but I will remedy whatever little thing has happened because someone was forgetful or messy. I don’t mind putting someone else’s dishes in the dishwasher, or wiping up after them, or moving their laundry, or transferring funds in the checking count to cover a negative balance – as long as the other person is kind and understanding enough to return the favor when I make a mistake, and not blow a gasket whenever another human being has been, well, *human*.

He quite literally lives in a world where anyone who doesn’t adore him and demonstrate that adoration 24/7 is an enemy who is attacking him. He doesn’t read at all, or do anything new, so his inner knowledge base is fairly limited. When he has attempted new ventures (like losing weight by changing his eating habits, or attending a fly fishing group for the first time ever) he has asked for my help. Yet when I give him any suggestions, he immediately explodes. I was reading an article about cutting out all grains from the diet and said, “Hey, you might want to read this, too, because it says grains are more easily converted to sugar and fat, plus that they can cause inflammation, and isn’t your shoulder hurting you for no reason?” I swear, he heard that as an attack. His face went red and he said in a very low, cold voice, “I don’t know what you’re trying to do, But. I. Don’t. Like. It.”

“Why Is It Always About You?”, a book on narcissism, describes him to a “t”. For example:

“… behind the the mask of arrogance is a fragile internal balloon of self-esteem that is never satisfied with being good or even very good — if they are not better than, then they are worthless. Value is always relative, never absolute… Conversely, if they are feeling deflated, they can reinflate themselves by diminishing, debasing, or degrading someone else.”

And “… it is the nature of narcissistic entitlement to see the situation from only one very subjective point of view that says, ‘My feelings and needs are all that matter, and whatever I want, I should get.’ Mutuality and reciprocity are entirely alien concepts, because others exist only to agree, obey, flatter, and comfort — in short, to anticipate and meet his every need: ‘If you cannot make yourself useful in meeting my need, you are of no value and will be treated accordingly, and if you defy my will, prepare to feel my wrath’ Hell hath no fury like the Narcissist denied… Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger rage and self-righteous aggression… Narcissistic entitlement has nothing to do with genuine self-esteem, which comes from real accomplishment and being true to one’s ideals. Individuals who feel entitled to respect without giving it in return, or who expect rewards without effort, or a life free of discomfort, are forfeiting any power they might have to shape their own destiny.”

And: “The ability to empathize, to grasp accurately how another person feels and to feel compassion in response, requires us to step outside ourselves momentarily to tune into someone else. We turn down the noise of our own preoccupations and open ourselves to what the other person is expressing. We may or may not share the feeling being expressed, but we accept them without judgment or distortion. Even when we identify with another person’s feelings, we remain separate. … Without empathy, people have difficulty controlling aggressive impulses. … Driven by shame and prone to rage and aggression, the Narcissist never develops the capacity to identify with or even to recognize the feelings and needs of others. This is a person who, in terms of emotional development, got stuck around the age of one or two. Others are not seen as separate entities but rather as extensions of Self, there to do the Narcissist’s bidding. This, along with an underdeveloped conscience, tends to make them interpersonally exploitative… Exploitation can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regard for their feelings or interests.”

So, how much of this am I supposed to “let go” in a manner that is more productive than ignoring him? What secrets do you have for me to keep me sane when everything I say – short of glowing praise – is seen as an attack that must be vigorously defended against? And by vigorous defense I mean, “Rip Melissa to shreds, chasing her down into another room, if need be.” What productive suggestions can you give me for living with someone who says, “Porn is ruining my life, and I hate myself for it, please help me figure out why I do it and how to stop,” and then comes out with [metaphorical] fists swinging when I try to do *anything* he says? When other people I know say they would prefer that I interact with them a certain way, or only on certain subjects, or – hell – only in a pirate’s accent, I can take them at their word and make any adjustments I need to in order to maintain a relationship (of whatever degree) with them. Not with my boyfriend. A directive from him at 10:00am is a malicious attack when performed by me at noon. Reminding him that I’m only obeying his request just gets him angrier.

So, Squeeler, you tell me: Just how the hell do I deal with THAT and “let it go”???

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

Saffron – Please, feel free to be presumptious any time, because you hit the nail on the head. I understand that I fit a fairly classic pattern, but it’s still spooky when you wrote a nice summary of my life in your first paragraph! And, yeah, from the get-go I was responsible for my mother’s bad feelings about herself. A bi-polar, narcissistic, and *drunk* single mom does not make for the most caring and compassionate of parents. She had her own version of those parents, too, mind you. As you know, this stuff doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s oh-so-carefully taught and learned, generation by generation. Hence, my decision to never have kids. It had to stop somewhere.

I, obviously, “married” my mother when I invited my boyfriend to move in with me. I have been aware of that for quite some years now. I have advanced far enough in personal growth to recognize when someone was blaming me for their own bad feelings, but I haven’t advanced far enough to live consistently as a “normal” person would, in order to take care of myself in every respect. . . and to have been able to end this relationship a long time ago. I have had. . . let me count. . . maybe eight jobs in eight years? And somewhere between 18 and 24 months of that time I was unemployed. Not a very good track record for depending on oneself to make the mortgage.

I couldn’t agree with you more on Baby Steps. My current problem has been not even being able to conceive of any to take. You and jeneticallymodified have helped me immensely on that today. I am adding, “Call temp agencies” to my list for tomorrow, even if it’s for just the very tiny Baby Step of finding out how best to arrange my lack-luster resume so that the agency can farm me out successfully. (I don’t dare contemplate that the call will lead to a gig, however short-term & “insignificant” it might be. That idea, and all it would entail, is big enough to scare me off the whole venture before I even start!). My mantra will be, “Micro. . . micro. . . micro. . . ”

I have been terrified of contacting potential employers because the software sales community isn’t all that big, and I’m afraid of ruining myself with several companies, and having word get around. I’m also afraid of ending up doing the same thing again, with the same results I’ve had over the past 15 years in Sales: Fabulous start, “lots of potential”, and then quitting before I can be fired. . . or actually being fired for just having so many freaking absences. A temp gig, on which *nothing* of any importance hangs, is so much easier to digest. So much easier to reach for.

And I have have this damned “disease” long enough to know that reaching one goal, even one so small that it’s not noticeable to anyone but me, makes it easier – and possible – to reach the next one, and the next one, and eventually leave the pit behind (until the next time it swallows me, anyway; but that’s a whole different conversation!). In the past six months I have just not even had that one tiny goal to reach for. Until now. And now I have several. All very doable. All independent of one another; failure in one doesn’t effect my efforts or results in another, leaving me [emotionally] safe to continue pursuing them.

Have I said Thank You?

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

jeneticallymodified – Thanks for the only smiles I’ve had in several days!!

First, the negatives:

* The house is mine, and we’re not married, so I could boot the boyfriend without getting anyone else involved. I’ve run the numbers and even at $700/mo rent (a high rate for one bedroom and use of common areas), I still wouldn’t be able to meet my minimum survival requirements (lights, food, mortgage, heat, etc.)

* I’ve already told the IRS I can’t pay, and they’ve put me on temporary “Uncollectable” status. The fines and interest continue to rack up, but at least they aren’t cleaning out my checking account (anymore). But they did tell me that any change in my income status – from whatever source the money comes from – then they’ll put be back on Active Collection status again and – whoosh – there goes my equity (or whatever).

* I’ve called women’s shelters. I don’t have kids and I’m not being physically abused and, technically, I own my own house, so I do not qualify for their assistance. Also, neither they nor any other assisted living organizations allow pets.

* My mom would not survive for very long in an indigent’s assisted living house. Maybe one of her AA friends could take her in.

* 12 Step lunacy is just as abusive as what I get from my boyfriend. It’s damaging to 95% of the people exposed to it. It’s not just the god part, either. Hey, I live in the South, I “smile and nod” daily at proclamations of god’s love – and wrath – just to perform simple functions like make it through a grocery store checkout line. It’s that *plus* the other “disconnected from any sense of reality” nonsense that goes on in those meeting rooms and fellowships that spins me into just as much of a depression and spiraling loss of sanity as my boyfriend’s own disconnects with reality. I’m glad you’re one of the 5% that gets some good from it. But there – literally – has to be another way for me.

* I have tried, I kid you not, EVERY psych med (except the major anti-psychotics) on the market, and not just the ones labeled for depression. Some I got the full complement of side effects within days; some did nothing at all after several months (except put me through withdrawal Hell getting them out of my system); some worked fairly well, but then stopped working, even at the highest “allowable” dosage. Throughout the years (I have been on psych meds since 1992) I mastered the art of free drugs: through doctor samples, pharmaceutical manufacturer’s patient assistance programs, and through tax-funded clinics. And on top of all that are all the studies that have come out showing that anti-depressants are equally effective as placebos. Ditto any form of therapy. What the research now shows is that *any* mode of treatment can be successful, if the patient believes that it will. A pill, talk therapy, physical exercise, chanting in a sweat lodge. . . doesn’t matter. Just have the patient be convinced that it will help.

* I have tried every form of psychotherapy that is recognizable by the APA. I have darn near memorized “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” and have several – worn and used – copies at my house.

Now, the Positives:

* I have not yet got on the phone with any crisis support centers (other than the ones for abused women) or with a social worker. That is definitely something I can do.

* Volunteering at a cat shelter: *This* made me laugh out loud. See, I was talking (emailing) my sole friend last week when she was in a really bad spot. She lives alone and only goes outside of her apartment if it’s an absolute necessity. I was telling her that she needed to find a reason to get out. Find someone or something to help. Like cats. I lived in San Francisco in the early 90s and volunteered at the SPCA. I, too, socialized kitties so that they would be adopted quicker (and to help them find the right match). It was nice because I didn’t have deal with people constantly. (It was during yet another period of very bad depression). It was healing because I was with cats, whose company I prefer greatly to that of humans. I told her it would be the perfect thing for her, because of the low(er) incidence of human interactions, versus other volunteering endeavors. I completely didn’t apply any of what I was saying to ME! Sheese! I told you my brain hasn’t been working right. I will make calls to [no-kill] shelters tomorrow. I know myself well enough to know that it would be hard to get me out of the house to do something to take care of myself, but I can more readily do that for cats in need.

* Self-imposed barriers: I’ll spare you the details, but I had this exact same conversation with the exact same friend a few days after the cat shelter conversation, over her supposedly wanting to quit smoking and how she was actively putting up barriers to keep herself from being able to do it. (Again, lots of laughter on my end while reading your post!).

* I have a couple decades of good business experience, most of it in business-to-business software sales (alas, never for more than two years with the same company). I absolutely could earn some money and be productive by working from home. . . I just don’t have any idea at *what*; nor the mental capacity or self-belief to find out what, and to then pursue it with the vigor needed to convince someone to hire me. Again, any and all suggestions are welcomed. I’m not kidding or being overly-dramatic when I say that my brain just isn’t functioning very well right now. The more specific the suggestion, the better, even if it doesn’t fit. Crimeney, at least it’s getting me thinking, picturing alternatives. I didn’t even have *that* capacity eight hours ago!!

Thank you, sincerely, again.

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

Saffron – I have maybe $10K in equity. And I owe the IRS $5K more than that, all of which they’d come looking for as soon as a Sale contract was signed. My monthly mortgage is $1000, which is just a couple hundred more each month than apartments rent for around here. I also have 5 cats that I am absolutely *not* willing to part with, as long as I’m alive. If I hadn’t gone fully over the edge by then, that would surely do it.

I have one girlfriend in town, but she is as financially destitute as I am, and also suffers from depression. Actually, let me rephrase that: I have one friend. Period. I have several online acquaintances and online renewals of decades-lost friendships from grade school. But none is a “true” friend, close enough to take on me, my 5 cats, and my baggage.

My mom lives with me, as well. She is 65, in fair physical health (though in decline), has been sober via AA since 1981, and is bi-polar [medicated, now] and blindingly narcissistic [despite meds and extensive therapy]. “Sober but not sane” is an apt description for her. I took her in 6 years ago when she was about to lose *her* house, through foreclosure, because she had been in a years-long depression and hadn’t worked in forever. She had also disconnected from her AA community, which is a religion to her. She, too, is unemployed. And though she has since reengaged with AA (she just got picked as a replacement for the local Board when one member left), it is clear that she would sink into another life-threatening decision if she had to live on her own again. So I have to take her into consideration, too, when thinking about selling this house or losing it outright.

And thank you for the “smart cookie” compliment. I am a member of Mensa, and have had whole periods in my life, lasting many many months where I could find solutions to any problem that presented itself to me – not mania, just high-functioning normalcy. But not now. My “intellect” is failing me. That’s why support would be such a relief. I’m to the point of, “Please, just do my thinking for me. Tell me what to do that will make this better, and I’ll do it.” With the caveat, of course, that it can’t be anything to do with gods or “higher” powers, nor something that would clearly do me more harm than good. (i.e., like any set of instructions from my boyfriend). I have enough left of me – in me – to recognize insanity and abuse. I just can no longer *do* anything about it. I don’t have anymore solutions.

Thank you – both you and jeneticallymodified – for taking the time to read and respond in such detail. I sincerely appreciate it.

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

Hey! I can never read just one book at a time, and I *don’t* have ADD!! My house, too, looks like a library with books stacked in every room.

Now, my ADD partner. . . he looks like he is in severe physical pain at just the thought of opening *one* book, let alone actually reading it!

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

Thank you, jeneticallymodified and Saffron. Yes, it’s an addiction. He has been to a 90-day program at The Meadows for it, over 10 years ago (a couple years before we met & started dating). He has been to SAA. Attended for years. He – briefly – saw a counselor. He has read books. He calls people he knows from SAA when he feels the “urge” coming on. . . and then still goes and hunts down porn, as if the phone calls had never happened.

He also used to play World of Warcraft for up to 90 hours a week, and still talks longingly of the game. He buys into every Get Rich (or Emotionally Healthy) Quick scheme that comes his way. He’s never met a shortcut he doesn’t love.

And I can’t boot him right now because I *am* in a financial pickle. I am unemployed (drawing only $1600/mo in benefits, which will end in May); I have no savings; I have already sold everything of value to help keep us afloat; the mortgage – which is mine – is only 14 days late at the moment, but I would be in foreclosure in a heartbeat without his additional income.

And I’m having trouble finding a support group that will work for me. I am atheist who sees huge problems with the traditional 12-step model. I believe it has done more harm than good. So Al-Anon or COSA are out for me. What little support I have gotten from family and friends has been: “Get a job, and get him out of your life.” Well, duh. But there’s no help for the day-to-day insanity. Help to keep me from spiraling deeper and deeper. No one wants to listen to someone whine incessantly about the lunatic they are tied to. I also suffer from clinical depression, have for all of my life. So my work history is sketchy; and finding – and keeping – a job for more than two years seems to be an impossibility for me. I buckle under the stress of having to perform like a normal person day after day after day. Yes, I’m on meds. Yes, I’ve had years of counseling. Yes, I have my own self-help books and books on neurology and psychology and neuroplasticity. But nothing every truly gets rid of the depression that eventually has me calling in sick to work many days in row because I flat don’t have any mental or physical energy left.

Anyway, the advice, “Get a job and get rid of him” is spot-on. It’s just a tad over-simplified. And, “Get support,” is correct as well. . . but the support available is terribly limited if you don’t happen to believe in the super-natural, especially here in Texas.

I am majorly open to suggestions on all of this. Because you are right, I cannot continue like this. I have told my boyfriend that, right now, there are only two possible outcomes: I manage to land a job that will support me 100%, financially, and he is out of my life and my house; or I will end my life. And right now the latter is *very* much the more likely scenario of the two.

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

Jeneticallymodified – Thanks for the suggestions, but what if part of the thrill for the ADDer of looking at “naughty” web sites is knowing that he most likely will get caught, and can get into a good, knock-down, drag-out, fight about it? What does one do with an ADDer who seems to get his batteries charged from especially nasty arguments where he has really put his partner in her place? When you catch him doing something that isn’t just “mindless” or “thoughtless”, but outright predetermined, complete with lies to cover up. . . and he gets rip-roaring, soul-bashing, angry at YOU for having a negative emotional reaction to the perversion, betrayal, and lies? And what do you do when you’ve already tried NetNanny and history recording programs, and the ADDer just goes to an adult video store and watches his rented porn on the DVD player while you’re away at work?

Is it *normal* for ADDers to be this willfully hurtful? Is it normal for an ADDer to do something disagreeable, and then swear – mere minutes later – that he didn’t just do or say what I witnessed him just do or say, and then go into an instantaneous rage? Is it normal for the partners of ADDers to be required to be emotionally neutral automatons responsible for recording every conversation, every promise, every action or inaction, just so that they can replay Reality back to the ADDer when he adamantly denies it. . . and even then I am told that I am insane and controlling and out to “get him”. I am at my wit’s end. I am suicidal. I have moved into the spare bedroom and stay in there whenever he is home because I can no longer survive his lies and emotional abuse. Other responders say focus on the positives, downplay the negatives. What if all I get is negatives? What then?

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

Thanks, “HisWife”, for letting me know that I’m not the only one who finds that the best option in dealing with my ADD partner is to pretend that he doesn’t exist. We don’t have any children, thank goodness, but my boyfriend (of 8 years) is irresponsible in any and every way you could possibly imagine a human could be. And, further, it’s all my fault. He’s addicted to porn? All my fault. He lashes out at me with instantaneous *self-righteous* anger over the most trivial of things? All my fault. He can’t find the motivation to read a book on ADD? All my fault. He only feels motivated to work a few hours a week (he owns his own very small, one man business)? All my fault. *If only*, he tells me, I would praise him constantly [for what??] and talk to him without ever letting him know that I am upset or hurt by something he has done, then *maybe* he would be more willing to look at his behavior. (I kid you not, that’s what he tells me).

I don’t know *how* to engage with another human being without any trace of negative emotion on my part when they willfully – and sometimes maliciously – do things that hurt me. And I stand firmly on the “willfully” part. I don’t mean that for decades he has been running amok, wreaking havoc and damage willy-nilly on purpose. The “willful” part comes in after recognizing he has a porn addiction – and even being treated for it for 90 days in a rehab center. . . after being diagnosed with ADD *years* ago. . . after me placing a dozen books on the coffee table in front of him and *begging* him to read them. . . after years of me saying, “I get that you aren’t doing this on purpose, but you aren’t taking any steps to change to your thought, emotional, and behavioral processes, either.” . . . and he *still* tells me there’s nothing he can do about it. THAT’S the “willful” part: Refusing treatment. Refusing analysis. Refusing to understand how destructrive he is to every life he touches. He is much happier being a victim and making everyone else responsible for his happiness.

So how did I solve the dilemma of never expressing a negative emotion around him even though he lies to me daily? I moved into the spare bedroom and I talk to him as little as I can. He went to porn rehab over 10 years ago, and was looking at porn the other day. Lovely. He’s been through several 12 Step Groups (which I think are cults, but at least he was pretending to seek help). He even went to a counselor last year. . . and LIED through his teeth to the poor man for a half dozen sessions before calling it quits and then telling me – yet again – it’s all my fault. The counselor said men like to look at naked women [but my boyfriend had failed to specify to the exorbitant number of hours he spends looking, and what is being done to the women he is enjoying looking at]; the counselor said that playing World of Warcraft could be a great way for him to relax [but my boyfriend failed to tell him that he was playing it for around 90 hours a week]; the counselor told him that he shouldn’t blame himself for taking risks that didn’t pan out [but my boyfriend failed to tell the counselor that he had taken the exact same costly risk – “I’ll make a million on the internet! – at least 5 times in the few years I have known him].

Now he is using information from this site in the same way he used the information from the counselor. Again, it’s all my fault. I’m not as understanding as I ought be when he lies to me, yet again, about his porn habits. I should feel sorry for him and coddle his ego. . . while he’s ripping into me because I asked him why he was defrosting the turkey in the garbage disposer side of the sink and not the other side. [There were dishes in the other side. Dishes that weren’t his. And he SHOULDN’T HAVE TO take care of or, heaven forbid, even *move* dishes that weren’t his. When asked why he didn’t just holler for the owner to take care of them so he could put the turkey in the proper side, he said he SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. He then told me he gets blamed for everything and is expected to take care of everything, and I’m always on his back. I asked if he was sure about that, if he couldn’t think of one single incident where he had made a mistake in, say, the kitchen, that an otherwise grown adult shouldn’t have. Nope, he couldn’t think of one, and since *he* takes care of his stuff, everyone else should to. I asked if he wanted me to write down some of his mistakes over the next few days so he could keep a record and maybe be a little more grounded in reality. He said yes, because there won’t be any. It’s now two days later and I’m on mistake #24. And not all of them are as harmless as dishes left in a sink. Some are along the lines of deceit and depravatiy. But, in his mind, he’s still perfect and I’m out to get him.]

What can you do with someone like that but just pray they disappear one day? I’m unemployed and can’t afford to kick him out. So I just eat the insults and the lies that he feeds me, and do my best to pretend they don’t bother me.

REPORT ABUSE

[MelissaTex]

It’s great to see so many ADDers who are actively working on way to live successfully with ADD. My boyfriend was diagnosed several years ago and was put on Ritalin. But refused to read any books or go to a counselor. I caught the “ADD and Loving It” movie several weeks ago and showed this site to my boyfriend. He has viewed and read darn near everything on the site, and – at first – I was really happy about that. But all he has done is use the information he has learned as a “weapon” in our relationship and to keep himself in his favorite position of “victim”. See, he can’t help that he hasn’t learned anything from his mistakes and keeps repeating them over and over (like giving access to our checking to Get Rich Quick schemers). It’s his ADD. He can’t give up porn because of his ADD. He can’t work more than a few hours a week because of his ADD. He can’t be expected to have a meaningful conversation because of his ADD. According to him, I am supposed to be a font of patience and love and tolerance. . . indefinitely, not just while he learns better coping skills. See, because he *can’t* learn anything, he has ADD. How silly of me to not realize that ADD is a Free Pass For Life for irresponsible, emotionally-abusive behavior.

I wish I could find some *real* support for partners of ADDers.

(And, no, I can’t kick him out because I’m unemployed and would lose my house without his meager income.)

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts