[sar316]

I love the sound of a ukulele! I usually am not a huge fan of task switching, but it was really bad week and the playing had really helped to not focus on how bad  that week was going. It was a really nice break and it required so much focus that I could put the stress of exams away for a short time.

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[sar316]

While trying to study I like to have a glass of water, light a candle, grab a blanket and get comfy. I was trying to be in the present and learn something, but I was failing. I became aware of how bad I was failing at being attentive when I tried to drink my candle.

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[sar316]

The idea is that the brain has a capacity to rewire and add neurons when there is a new deficit of sensory input. This is like when amputees experience the sensation of the amputated limb being toughed if you touch a place that has never stimulated that feeling before. For example if and amputee has lost their hand and now if you touch their forehead they say they feel as though you have touched their missing thumb. Neurons in the brain that stimulate the feeling of facial touch kind of take over the very near area in the brain that use to experience the feelings in the amptuated hand. They sprout what are called ‘axon collaterals’ and try to make up for the deficit of sensory input.

I think the idea of mind improving games can help everyone in the sense of using your mind makes it ‘stronger’, but I don’t know how much it can help with a lot of the ADHD symptoms in the neural plasticity sense. There is a strong mind, but then there is an ADHD brain. You can have all the neurons you want, but if there isn’t enough fuel (neurotransmitters) to go around then I don’t see how it really matters how many new neural pathways are created. There will still probably be the ADHD symptoms, but now you are really fast and accurate at saying if two images are the same or not.

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[sar316]

I am much the same way. I try to avoid creepy movies, but even the commercials are enough to ruin my nights. I have become almost compulsive of saying my partners name at night, he replies with a ‘what’, and I tell him ‘I’m just checking” and we both go back to sleep. He is great and it doesn’t bother him, but it has gotten ridiculous!

I know its just in my head, as when I happen to not be thinking about it I’m fine. But the second that thought sneaks into my head it’s pretty much game over. Leaving hall lights on and never being alone has helped, but its so impractical! On one hand I know I’m feeding into it, but on the other hand I am probably going to die.

I had tried to talk to a professional about the night/dark/alone fears. After an hour she had told me its probably anxiety. My thought was ‘well OBVIOUSLY!’ and had left feeling that she was completely useless. I HATE going to appointments like these to leave being told what you already know.

I really find the HSP concept interesting. I HATE loud, highly populated situations with combinations of annoying lights and colours. I lay awake at night when the pilly  sheets are on the bed or if there is a wrinkle under me. And I MUST know how things feel. If I see a concrete wall; is it smooth or rough concrete? Is the corner of that historic building really smoothly rounded or is it a sharp right angle? Does that guys almost shaved head feel prickly or soft? Its so hard to keep my hands to myself!

 

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[sar316]

I have few friends. I find it very difficult to put myself out there as most of the people I meet and befriend tend to end up flaking out on me. Friends take soooo much effort and energy! I find it hard to want to put in the effort for some thing that is now statistically likely to be unsuccessful. Not to mention I really don’t get neurotypicals. Most of the good friends I have, which isn’t many and that have bothered to stick around, are atypical. I find it really hard to relate with most neurotypicals and they don’t get my sense of humour.

I like my dog.

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[sar316]

I agree and thats why I draw the line of social media sites to facebook. I don’t care to lose anymore time to seeing, hearing and reading about what everyone else is up to in a day. Mostly because I can’t keep track of what only I do in a day. Secondly people post things that I find very annoying and very difficult not to respond to in a very sarcastic, ‘get your head out of your butt, its not a hat’ kind of way. I feel it’s asking for trouble when I start to read what others are willing to post.

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[sar316]

Thanks Larynxa,

It has been over 5 years without any serious, non hurtful, and productive conversations with any of them. I am in my early/mid 20s and I am 11 years older than my youngest sister. It has been very difficult to miss out on all their development, graduations and now children of their own. They don’t seem to understand my need for boundaries so it just so much easier living hundreds of km apart.

I really appreciate your comments because when I try to explain this to other people they simply don’t believe that someone can be as broken as my mother. I have gotten to the point where I have completely detached from her. In my mind my ‘mom’ has died years ago when she started to put her emotional needs of the first divorce onto me, then my ‘mother’ died when she could no longer provide for me on any level. Now I just see her as a woman. I only use ‘mother’ out of habit, i usually try to refer to her by name. Simply using the word ‘mother’, when referring to her, gets caught in my throat and I feel I have to force it out so I don’t have to explain who she is when using only her name.

I understand that she is broken. I understand that she is not in a good place and probably hasn’t been for the majority of my life. I was able to put that aside and feel love for her, not like but at least love. But not any longer. She had crossed a line when she started to mess with my sisters. The ones that I had tried so hard to protect, in every aspect, for the first 18 years of my life.

I feel like I’m trying to mourn their loss, but they are alive. I think that is the hardest part of it all. I want to cut all ties and never put up with their drama again, but I can’t. My father welcomed me back with open arms when I wanted to return after I acted much the same way as they are acting now. I can’t move on because I was no more deserving of a real chance at a happy, drama free, caring, realistic life than they are. I feel I need to be there for them if the day comes they realize that anger and constant hate isn’t the way to live life. I feel I need to be there because she has completely isolated them from everyone who will give them a chance.

And sadly she know that. Sadly she uses that. She is no more to me at this point than a random stranger on the street.

It also baffles me how I could have wound up where I am today. Like you were saying. At times it seems so surreal. I have accomplished a lot with very little and I kind of have her to thank for that. If I haven’t been swimming upstream my whole life I probably wouldn’t of have the strength to get to where I am and to continue on with where I want to go.

Sorry for the long rant. Its really nice to be able to get this out.

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[sar316]

Dear neurotypicals in my new work place,

STOP messing with my routine!!!! BAH, GRRR or any other angry out burst! doesn’t cover half off my frustration! I try so hard to get into a good productive routine. Get to work at 730 (half hour or hour early to become a human being) get to work at 8 or 830 once in the mind set and then BAM You show up as soon as I want to work and my efforts are gone all to heck and my day is pretty much ruined. ‘A’ gets done before ‘B’ which must (in my mind) be done before 10 and there is no skipping them and moving right onto ‘C’ so we can chat or gossip about who knows what. And really who knows what your talking about because I’m not listing any way! I can’t my brain is too busy freaking out about what I’m not getting done now that I can actually do it! I smile and nod because I don’t get social norms. I can’t tell you how I imagine I am bashing my head against the wall as you fill me in on how whoever did whatever that you liked or didn’t like. I, to my most inner core, don’t care! I feel obligated to hear what you have to say. I don’t want to anger you and I don’t want to cause issues as friends are hard for me to come by and I don’t need you ruining my other work place relationships.

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[sar316]

Thanks! These are great pointers!!

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[sar316]

As I was cutting some supper prep when my father glances over and tells me to not cut myself. I’m in university, living on my own and using perfect slicing technique. Nanoseconds after rolling my eyes I inflict yet another cut to my thumb.

I have countless cuts on my left thumb between my nail and knuckle. I let inattention in for a second and there will be another scar (or ADHD tattoo as I prefer). I give it another year, a few good distractions and a few missed meds and I should have my sleeves completed!

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[sar316]

I can’t take it too late or the stimulants keep me awake late, but if I don’t take them at all I seem to immediately revert back to my premeditated sleepless nights and non productive days.

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[sar316]

It would be great if it could have a section dedicated to explaining/showing neurotypicals what it is like to have ADHD so that my botched explanation on the spot doesn’t leave them with confusion and with further lack of understanding.

It would be neat if there were some low tech, mind-numbing games that don’t require a lot of thought to help with fidgeting. Like bubble popping or whack a mole with a some sort of members point system?

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[sar316]

Ok I’m not understanding. What is the difference between hyperfocusing and perseverance? He explains the perseverance as not moving on from what ever when you should because of being so attended to it, but then what is hyperfocusing and how do autistic folk hyperfocus rather then present with perseverance?

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[sar316]

Super powers:

I can think outside of any box like it’s nobody’s buisness

I can entertain myself for hours as long as I’m provided with ANYTHING, even longer if I’m alone

I know myself pretty well because I’m constantly talking to me

I am a super hard, loyal worker

I am amazing with little kids (they are like the little external versions of my mind so we get along great and I ‘get’ them)

I love nature photography and take amazing photos because as I wander around out doors I see the beauty in so many things that others easily miss

I can come up with solutions to problems that others would have never came close to thinking of

And I think I have an amazing sense of humour and I can almost always find the funny in a situation

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[sar316]

MarieAngell, I like it! I haven’t considered just not fighting the fact that I’m going to do something and I’m then going to probably do it 3 more times with a new route.  Now I guess its just a matter of trying to budget my time properly for multiple ‘start overs’ instead of trying to do something different ways in the time I assume it should take to do once and always come up significantly short. So simple!! (in theory) I wish I would have thought of this sooner!

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