[Tiddler]

Thank you from me too. I’m really excited about the launch.

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[Tiddler]

Thanks everyone. I think she’s a psychiatrist. I can’t find out anything about her. I just got allocated her and told she was my only ‘option’. There’s a specialist in a nearby town who’s even written to my GP asking if he can take me on and they’ve said no. (They have to pay another authority for any patient seen out of area.

I went to a seminar this guy put on a few months ago and when I told him I was doing an MA without any help for my ADHD he was horrified and came over at the end to offer help.

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[Tiddler]

Thanks everyone. I think she’s a psychiatrist. I can’t find out anything about her. I just got allocated her and told she was my only ‘option’. There’s a specialist in a nearby town who’s even written to my GP asking if he can take me on and they’ve said no. (They have to pay another authority for any patient seen out of area.

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[Tiddler]

Hey thanks!

We can’t pay for any help at all. We can’t afford a coach but if I’m not going to get any professional help, I’ll be okay. This site and the lovely people in it do help a lot!

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[Tiddler]

Thanks. That’s really helpful. The problem is that she knocked me off her list for failing to attend an appointment and I’ve had to wait the best part of a year for the next one. That tells me she either doesn’t understand or doesn’t give a shit about the problems I face every day.

And the biggest problem is that, because she’s the only ADHD doc in my area, and the NHS will not fund me to go out of area, and I can’t afford to go private, if it doesn’t work out there’s literally NO other help available to me in terms of professional help.

So if it doesn’t work out next week, I’m screwed.

I’ll look out the film. thanks1

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[Tiddler]

Wgreen, I don’t care for the term ‘no bargain’ either, though I accept that you didn’t mean it offensively. I don’t pose challenges to my husband any more than anyone else does. They’re just different issues and problems. And we all bring those to a relationship.

Yes, some people with ADHD will be involved in gambling, heavy drinking, addictive drug use, cheating or have volatile tempers and so on and so on. But so do plenty of neuro-typical people. And there are many other people with ADHD that is just as pronounced as the people with these behaviours who have never been involved in these kinds of behaviours.

I’m not experiencing a mild form of ADHD because I don’t cheat or hit the bottle or get into debt on poker sites. I have serious problems caused by how my brain works that have held me back and made my life very hard at times.

But I don’t want to feel like some second best wife because of it – ‘no bargain’ means ‘not exactly won the jackpot’. However you look at it, it’s about being ‘not that great’. ‘Not exactly a catch.’

Well, I don’t think that sounds like toofat, or me, or plenty of other people who post here.

I used to live with a man who hit me. He didn’t have ADHD. I had an ex boyfriend who was an alcoholic. He didn’t have ADHD either. Having ADHD doesn’t = ‘problem partner’ any more than not having ADHD = ‘great catch’. And thinking ADHD means we’re ‘less than’ is one of the reasons we’re more vulnerable to abuse or bullying from others.

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[Tiddler]

Thanks toofat. I’ve passed on what you’ve said.

I feel very lucky to have found that ‘partnership’. Just that. Like you, there’s no ‘in spite of…’ There’s no caveat. We don’t muddle on ‘even though’ I’ve got ADHD. We just work. It’s just another happy marriage with the ups and downs of any marriage. Everyone has faults and I don’t think that my faults overshadow the positive things I can bring.

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[Tiddler]

Ms Toofat and Toofat, you sound like a really great couple. Thanks for letting us into your world for a little while!

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[Tiddler]

I’ve posted this twice already but this is the thread he wrote it for:

From my husband:

I’m not very good at this kind of stuff. I don’t really know what to say.

We’ve been married for 10 years. I can’t imagine being with anybody else. I feel like we’ve both really grown. We compliment each other really well and we understand each other really well. We’ve enabled each other to grow immeasurably.

She’s very caring and honest and loyal. She’s funny and a wonderful mother. She’s forthright with her opinions and has a lot of strength. She’s good at ‘feelings’! She’s very understanding of me and the things that I find hard. (I’m an aspie.) For example, she was very understanding of me wanting to leave work when I hated it, despite the fact that it meant a serious drop in our income. She understands that I need my own space and that I find it hard to socialise and don’t want to socialise.

What was hard was trying to understand what seemed like very irrational behaviour, like I couldn’t square up her high standards of behaviour and her incredibly low standards for tidiness! I think it’s fair to say she would occasionally have very strong emotional outburst which is the complete opposite to me, so I found that quite hard to deal with. And she seemed to change her mind a lot and contradict herself a lot. Even though I knew from how we spoke, she was clearly intelligent – very intelligent – and a committed professional, she could have the appearance of being disorganised, slipshod and lazy, which I couldn’t understand but I knew it wasn’t really her.

I am fairly sure at one point I suggested she might have ADHD but I was being flippant. It took a few years for her to get the diagnosis. These things didn’t really matter because above all the chaos she has a good heart. I feel very lucky.

The slow realisation that there was a reason for the chaos and that it could be dealt with and then the realisation that it was ADHD and then the diagnosis has helped to vastly reduce the amount of stress in the family. It’s hard when you don’t know what’s going on. I used to think I didn’t make her happy. Her mind was never on things so I thought she was really sad, but it’s just because her mind DOESN’T stay on things! Knowing that has made a big difference because it’s removed any nagging doubt that things wouldn’t work out okay.

Now there’s still chaos and that’s probably as much because we’re all in a state of flux. I’m building a business. We’ve got 2 small home schooled children and it IS chaotic, but I really think we’ve worked around the ADHD so much that it seems like a small factor in the chaos. I feel that the stresses and strains we have are normal ones now. I stand by the motto ‘we can handle it’.

She is able to give me an emotional link to society and people that I would have let slip without her. She supports me with everything. She’s wonderfully supportive. I can’t imagine anyone else tolerating the decisions I make! I know she loves me unconditionally and I love her unconditionally.

I’m very proud of her and what she’s achieved, especially given how many hurdles have been thrown at her during her life. I know she’s had a difficult life in lots of ways and I know she appreciates what we have now. I like that she still has ambitions.

Also, I don’t know how she got all that out of me. But here it is.

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[Tiddler]

I’ve got ADHD. It’s screwed up a lot of things for me. It has made my life very hard. So what? Does that mean I can’t have a good marriage? Does that mean I am worth less than someone else? I don’t expect people with the same traits and problems to come at me with talk of ‘stepping aside’ to let someone more worthy be with my husband.

Here’s what my husband had to say about me. He didn’t know about this thread when he wrote it:

From my husband:

I’m not very good at this kind of stuff. I don’t really know what to say.

We’ve been married for 10 years. I can’t imagine being with anybody else. I feel like we’ve both really grown. We compliment each other really well and we understand each other really well. We’ve enabled each other to grow immeasurably.

She’s very caring and honest and loyal. She’s funny and a wonderful mother. She’s forthright with her opinions and has a lot of strength. She’s good at ‘feelings’! She’s very understanding of me and the things that I find hard. (I’m an aspie.) For example, she was very understanding of me wanting to leave work when I hated it, despite the fact that it meant a serious drop in our income. She understands that I need my own space and that I find it hard to socialise and don’t want to socialise.

What was hard was trying to understand what seemed like very irrational behaviour, like I couldn’t square up her high standards of behaviour and her incredibly low standards for tidiness! I think it’s fair to say she would occasionally have very strong emotional outburst which is the complete opposite to me, so I found that quite hard to deal with. And she seemed to change her mind a lot and contradict herself a lot. Even though I knew from how we spoke, she was clearly intelligent – very intelligent – and a committed professional, she could have the appearance of being disorganised, slipshod and lazy, which I couldn’t understand but I knew it wasn’t really her.

I am fairly sure at one point I suggested she might have ADHD but I was being flippant. It took a few years for her to get the diagnosis. These things didn’t really matter because above all the chaos she has a good heart. I feel very lucky.

The slow realisation that there was a reason for the chaos and that it could be dealt with and then the realisation that it was ADHD and then the diagnosis has helped to vastly reduce the amount of stress in the family. It’s hard when you don’t know what’s going on. I used to think I didn’t make her happy. Her mind was never on things so I thought she was really sad, but it’s just because her mind DOESN’T stay on things! Knowing that has made a big difference because it’s removed any nagging doubt that things wouldn’t work out okay.

Now there’s still chaos and that’s probably as much because we’re all in a state of flux. I’m building a business. We’ve got 2 small home schooled children and it IS chaotic, but I really think we’ve worked around the ADHD so much that it seems like a small factor in the chaos. I feel that the stresses and strains we have are normal ones now. I stand by the motto ‘we can handle it’.

She is able to give me an emotional link to society and people that I would have let slip without her. She supports me with everything. She’s wonderfully supportive. I can’t imagine anyone else tolerating the decisions I make! I know she loves me unconditionally and I love her unconditionally.

I’m very proud of her and what she’s achieved, especially given how many hurdles have been thrown at her during her life. I know she’s had a difficult life in lots of ways and I know she appreciates what we have now. I like that she still has ambitions.

Also, I don’t know how she got all that out of me. But here it is.

So, me again. You tell me I don’t deserve to be married or that he deserves someone ‘better’.

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[Tiddler]

He has just added:

Writing that was like a weird counselling session. I feel very strange now.

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[Tiddler]

From my husband:

I’m not very good at this kind of stuff. I don’t really know what to say.

We’ve been married for 10 years. I can’t imagine being with anybody else. I feel like we’ve both really grown. We compliment each other really well and we understand each other really well. We’ve enabled each other to grow immeasurably.

She’s very caring and honest and loyal. She’s funny and a wonderful mother. She’s forthright with her opinions and has a lot of strength. She’s good at ‘feelings’! She’s very understanding of me and the things that I find hard. (I’m an aspie.) For example, she was very understanding of me wanting to leave work when I hated it, despite the fact that it meant a serious drop in our income. She understands that I need my own space and that I find it hard to socialise and don’t want to socialise.

What was hard was trying to understand what seemed like very irrational behaviour, like I couldn’t square up her high standards of behaviour and her incredibly low standards for tidiness! I think it’s fair to say she would occasionally have very strong emotional outburst which is the complete opposite to me, so I found that quite hard to deal with. And she seemed to change her mind a lot and contradict herself a lot. Even though I knew from how we spoke, she was clearly intelligent – very intelligent – and a committed professional, she could have the appearance of being disorganised, slipshod and lazy, which I couldn’t understand but I knew it wasn’t really her.

I am fairly sure at one point I suggested she might have ADHD but I was being flippant. It took a few years for her to get the diagnosis. These things didn’t really matter because above all the chaos she has a good heart. I feel very lucky.

The slow realisation that there was a reason for the chaos and that it could be dealt with and then the realisation that it was ADHD and then the diagnosis has helped to vastly reduce the amount of stress in the family. It’s hard when you don’t know what’s going on. I used to think I didn’t make her happy. Her mind was never on things so I thought she was really sad, but it’s just because her mind DOESN’T stay on things! Knowing that has made a big difference because it’s removed any nagging doubt that things wouldn’t work out okay.

Now there’s still chaos and that’s probably as much because we’re all in a state of flux. I’m building a business. We’ve got 2 small home schooled children and it IS chaotic, but I really think we’ve worked around the ADHD so much that it seems like a small factor in the chaos. I feel that the stresses and strains we have are normal ones now. I stand by the motto ‘we can handle it’.

She is able to give me an emotional link to society and people that I would have let slip without her. She supports me with everything. She’s wonderfully supportive. I can’t imagine anyone else tolerating the decisions I make! I know she loves me unconditionally and I love her unconditionally.

I’m very proud of her and what she’s achieved, especially given how many hurdles have been thrown at her during her life. I know she’s had a difficult life in lots of ways and I know she appreciates what we have now. I like that she still has ambitions.

Also, I don’t know how she got all that out of me. But here it is.

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[Tiddler]

Hiya

Well done on getting a diagnosis and going back to school. The undone homework is probably a result of not being given the required teaching. I had that problem last year. It took me 20 months to complete a year long post grad course because the teacher was crap. I mean REALLY crap. And it was a distance course so I was relying on her but even her feedback amounted to no more than ‘that’s fine’ and she wouldn’t answer direct questions. It took getting the dean involved to get through the course because I just can’t work on my own. I need external motivators and they weren’t there. But the course was wrong for me too. They were looking for linear ‘right answers’ and I think wide and deep. They didn’t want us challenging what they thought the best ways were and I found that very difficult.

So if you want to get through the course is there anyone else you can ask for help – ie can you go to a different class with a better teacher or ask for support from someone more senior to your teacher for help? And ask if it’s the right course for you too.

I was tested with very high IQ and ADHD too. The doc gave me some really good advice. He said a PhD would be ‘theraputically beneficial’ as I just cannot ‘concentrate’ on simple tasks. Theyre not simple to me – they’re seemingly impossible. I can’t file stuff properly, I can’t tidy up properly etc etc. But when I’m doing academic work, researching and studying, something different happens to me. I’m getting distinctions – extremely high marks – and handing work in on time for the first time in my life. I heard someone say ‘wow’ when I spoke in class last week.

I took concerta to get through the last course. I find that, doing what I’m doing now, I don’t need the concerta. I save it for days when I have to get through housework or sort out some filing.

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[Tiddler]

I’m game. I’ll ask my husband to write something too to compare.

I um utterly and completely chaotic. I lose everything. I don’t lose my keys as much as I used to but I used to frequently need lock-smiths to get into my house. I lose mobile phones. I lose my cash card every few days and borrow my husband’s frequently. I break them because I lose handbags so have to carry them in my back pocket.

The kitchen look like a bomb site every day after I’ve finished cooking. My husband sweeps round after me, dealing with the fall-out. He also regularly has to sort out the bedroom because I’ve dropped everything on the floor. I drop money out of my pockets all the time and he finds notes on the floor.

I impulse buy for projects that sometimes never get started never mind finished. My kids asked for a goldfish so I bought 5 fish tanks and started breeding fish. Now I have one tank and even that is a bit too much to manage.

I get so BORED.. I need to be doing – all the time. But I am exhausted all the time so often the ‘doing’ is reading or surfing the net. The kids call it ‘clackity clackity argue argue’ because I get involved in online debates/arguments and just can’t let it go. I am extremely emotional with no ability to regulate my expression of how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. It bubbles out of me whether I want it to or not.

Less so recently as I’m insanely busy, which suits me just fine. We began home educating our kids a couple of months ago and I am also a full time research student so the hours are LONG. I like that just fine. I’m the happiest I ever remember being as a result.

I think our relationship works very well. I’m all about the chaos, the impulse, the reaction, the emotion, the changes, the driving forward. He’s an aspie, quiet, thinking, needs the familiar, the quiet, the time alone. He doesn’t react to my emotional outbursts because he doesn’t notice them or doesn’t know what to do with them and that helps bring me back. He is great at doing mundane tasks because they’re routine and leave his mind free to go wherever he wants, so he can cope with picking up after me.

Likewise, I can pull him a little out of his comfort zone to help him deal with emotions, or try something new or give him the confidence to take a risk. There’s no danger of him being able to become stagnant in his life because I need the change and won’t let him and there’s no danger of me (for example) selling the house and buying a bus to live in then regretting it a month later because he needs the stability.

So, between us we balance the see-saw pretty well I think.

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[Tiddler]

Ooh. I forget. Was it on ADHD?

Duh. Of course it was. I’m on totallyadd!

I don’t know how to do it. I can email it to you if you mail me on snuffwalden@gmail.com

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[Author]

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