[lindsey3]

Hi sb12, I agree with Larynxa, and just to expand sideways for a moment – depression is often a side affect of undiagnosed ADHD, along with anxiety / anxiety or panic disorder. Both of these are mental health consequences but ADHD isn’t in and of itself a mental health problem. Somewhere along the line you have to make a decision about yourself,  gather all your strength and move in a direction that is about both acceptance of your ADHD and related support. The ADHD medication Methylfenidate boosts your ability to concentrate and get moving around, but is also known to lift some aspects of depression.

Decide whether you want to move away from Prozac and onto ADHD only meds – this will take time but may well open up a future for you in the longer term.

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[lindsey3]

Hi daycruncher, forgive me – I found myself jumping through your posts….because I have ADHD! Koishi, if you can find any interest at all that engages  you – anything! this will sow a seed of objective interest that you can build upon. I know it is hard, but it is though an interest that the world opens up. If you like swimming – take a short course in teaching children to swim, and see where this takes you. If you like cooking and eating…take a first level course in catering and see where this takes you….and so on. First steps really matter, and they must connect to something within yourself. Stuff happens when you do something that you genuinely like and enjoy.

PS – I have also experienced agarophobia, and my therapist helped me to understand that it is not a fear of open spaces, but a fear of leaving home. Massive. CBT has helped a lot, and I am past this now, but very careful and mindful on a weekly basis. Try not to shrink your life any further without CBT help.

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[lindsey3]

Hi holmless, did you have heightened senses before taking ADHD medication? I don’t have a ‘come down’ feeling after taking my meds – I am sort of on or off, and the difference is subtle. There isn’t an in between feeling. I’m a bit worried about you! I think you should visit your prescribing doctor and talk about this – it may be that you should be on a milder dose or a different brand.

A non ADHD friend of mine is super sensitive to smells, taste and hearing – he is also very sensitive to stimulants. A few sips of alcohol and he feels very weird ( unlike me! ) – a mild spice in food and he flushes. Your sensitivity may not be compatible with your current meds, or the meds may be releasing an unhelpful consequence.

Take advice as soon as possible – this can be sorted out.

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[lindsey3]

Hi seabassd,  life is like swimming upstream isn’t it – not just sometimes, like for people without ADHD, but pretty much all the time for us with ADHD. I particularly relate to your feeling of being on guard all the time – self monitoring, being careful not to overspill or reveal your random thoughts, jokes, observations and so on  – hiding your true self when out in the world. This is incredibly tiring in itself.

Maybe it is time to quietly accept your diagnosis, and sort of put it in your pocket. Through therapy I have managed to rid myself of all the complex thinking around ‘ought, should and must’ regarding my professional and personal life. Inherited roles and definitions of who we should be, are exhausting and ultimately lead to shockingly low self esteem and crisis when we have ADHD.

What would you really like to do with yourself? No must / ought / should – just you with all your self knowledge and awareness – it may be something that has nothing to do with your current profile and expectations! My instinct is for you to think forwards and not try to be a round peg in a square whole. You have done the thinking, done your homework, and some kind of action is round the corner now. Time to plan a life with a new set of goals that include simply being yourself, and may be even getting happy.

Can you tell that I am in a similar place to you right now!

Best wishes x

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[lindsey3]

Hi, I still laugh when I remember the Friday Funny postcard which has a 1950s women leaning over a table, looking and smiling -and the tag line is ‘Your secret is safe with me because I wasn’t listening!’ This describes most personal conversations within my entire life!

I care very much about friends and family, but this doesn’t stop me getting bored , jumping in to hurry them along when I can see from miles away where they are heading, changing the subject to something that I find more interesting, blurting out a sideways thought that obscurely connects to the topic, injecting jokes that make me really laugh and then I notice that nobody else gets it, getting up and doing something while they are talking because I am restless, ruining watching a film together because I keep making comments or again getting up and moving around……the list goes on and on.

Irrespective of how smart or otherwise we may be, the question is -what is a conversation, and what is that we hope to achieve through conversation?

I have got it wrong so often over the years that I learned to self modify and regulate myself to such an extent that I only have genuinely free conversations where I am ‘safe’ to be fully myself with a few people. For years, my drive home from work involved a check list – did I walk too fast, overshare, dominate any conversations, laugh too loudly, show any of the impatience that I internally felt, allow others to finish their points and views…..was I good ‘normal’ person…had I got away with it for another day. Getting home was fantastic because I could breathe and just be myself.

Human beings are hard wired to communicate, and this is a complex area for us with adhd. I do know that conversation isn’t about telling or showing knowledge, it is a sort of mutual social exchange through which shared interests, humour, preferences and so on are explored and sometimes enjoyed.

Knowing this doesn’t make it easy. I became so exhausted with self modifying myself that my life came to a halt, and I had to’ get off the train’.

I think that making genuinely meaningful connections with others is a mountain, and something I’m trying to work on too. In between drinking coffee, enjoying watching the birds in my garden, day dreaming, planning to finish painting the bathroom…..

 

 

 

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[lindsey3]

Blackdog, forgive me for smiling – you painted such a good picture of domestic frustration, I thought I was reading a paragraph from an Ann Tyler novel – my favourite novelist. But I do understand the amount of time that it took you to finally deal with this task – months and months of ‘today?’ – no – feel guilty and burdened, but still can’t do it…and so on. It’s exhausting. I’m sorry but I’ve got this picture of your husband’s innocent frown, and down crashed your motivation and plan – you capture this moment with great wit. I hope the day got better, and you had that great feeling of surprise and wellbeing when a task is actually done.

I have to sit back and admire my work when I finally clean the windows. Did it!

Hullupoika,  I get the feeling through your posts and how you share your story, that you are an intense person with great drive and very high expectations of yourself in all that you do, and always have been. You have shared that you have PTSD which I believe is always accompanied by high anxiety levels. I have an anxiety disorder in addition to ADHD, and still have hyperactivity, and understand the cracks and splits that appear when you want things to be ‘perfect’ – when you give 110% and somebody else’s behaviour or remarks undermine you.  You know all this, I just want to say – be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Each point of conflict or disturbance in our recovery is something to think about, but not beat ourselves up about. Step away sometimes, and do the things that make you feel better about yourself. Ease the self pressure, because recovery takes a long time. Maybe you are internalising your recovery while still doing everything that you used to do? Something’s got to give if this is the case. Look after yourself.

x

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[lindsey3]

Hi adhdmom, I have thought about your post since it appeared, and can feel the diversity of your feelings and situation. It is very difficult to comment particularly on your husband, because it is really for him to talk about himself. Everyone here has ADHD and are only too aware of the sensitive complex nature of being an adult partner. I am so glad that Cassatt has offered thoughts regarding your son.

My only genuine advice is for you to try to move a little way away from trying to ‘fix’ things, and introduce a sort of personal space for you, your son and husband. Families are always complicated! Maybe try and remember how and why you and your husband connected in the first place – revisit happy memories and times, and let your son see that his parents are  their own particular kind of team. Plan some shared, easy and cheerful activities together and let some ‘heavy’ stuff go. Just enjoy each other without too much analysis.

My mother had ADHD  ( and was way beyond ‘quirky’ ) and I loved her to bits – love isn’t confined to people without ADHD.

x

 

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[lindsey3]

Hi Mikemon, I am only twelve weeks into taking meds for ADHD – for the first month I took them 5 days on / 2 days off, because I was nervous about full time influence, and I wanted to compare the difference of with and without from the start. My Doctor then stressed the importance of daily meds within a routine, and that I should do this for at least 6 months before introducing any changes. So I left with my tail between my legs, but immediately got into a daily routine and although I am still monitoring, am definitely beginning to feel an accumulated benefit – motivation, energy and concentration are all improved, so I am achieving a little more each day which is making me feel better about myself…and so the beginning of a more positive cycle is emerging.

If you can at this point, set yourself a goal of a meds routine, and just take them without too much inner argument. Doing this in someway says ‘you know what, I do need help, and this is the beginning of ….. fill in this space.

These days are the beginning of the rest of your life. It’s not easy, but you can do this.

x

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[lindsey3]

Thank you – Cassatt for homing in on creativity, which I have in spades still but find hard to channel. I do have happy memories from childhood, and was accepted and protected by my family. Everyone skipped over my shoplifting phase, jumping out of cars in order to run until exhaustion, jumping off anything with height, the cutting of my body with scissors stage, general awkwardness, being romantic, gullible, not retaining friends or being part of a group, day dreaming, being punished constantly at school for non co operation – my parents accepted all this and so much more, and home felt safe and free.

My mother without doubt also had ADHD – depression, self loathing, a low boredom threshold, excitable, restless, emotional, unpredictable…she was also smart, funny and very attractive. My father too – they were a glamorous couple.

Home was always my sanctuary – I now have real problems with leaving the house, although therapy, time and understanding are helping a lot.

Dear Hullupoika, you are awesome for sharing so much of your story, and I will get to see the bright side. I want to – all the way through my crisis which resulted in a diagnosis of ADHD, I believed and trusted my Doctor, Therapist and friends who all said ‘you will are ill, and you will get well’.  The trust that I had in recovery is still there – I just need to come to terms with ADHD now. I know that we only have the future and can’t do anything about the past. These are easy words though aren’t they. I am aflame with shame about so many things that I have said and done, especially in adulthood ( and sex )

Thank you shutterbug for outlining the steps. I think I am between steps 3 and 4 although I am still struggling with other peoples perceptions of me – being a perfect ‘good’ girl was always important, hence my retrospective guilt and shame. The good news is that through therapy I have got rid of ‘ ought, should and must’ and now use ‘prefer’.

Pain, trauma, suppression of real and genuine feelings and responses  – it’s a welcome if challenging Pandora’s box following diagnosis. I still wonder what everyone privately thought of me, but feel fellowship with you and better for the your generosity in replying and sharing  your stories and information. x

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[lindsey3]

Hi everyone, this is a very interesting thread/conversation. I am only ten weeks into medication at the age of 54,  following a complete ‘breakdown’ and ultimately a diagnosis of ADHD. I already find that it is making a big difference in my life, in conjunction with knowledge about ADHD, particularly in undiagnosed women, and in respect to my personal whole life story. All I want to say is that medication is only a small tool that aids concentration and focus. Meds can’t offer anything else. We are all who we are, with diverse and complex challenges, different personalities, priorities, senses of humour and things that make us giggle, private demons , sizes and shapes. Add to the list! Meds don’t change any of these things. I am still in the process of putting small but important challenges within my medication 4 hour slots, and I am getting off the sofa and doing things. The meds are helping me to progress my recovery because I am doing more which is boosting my confidence, and I feel more positive.

In the longer term I aim to use the meds when I need them. I believe that ultimately having and being ADHD is something to come to terms with first, and the support of meds is a secondary tool. Like most meds linked to performance /mood, there is no ‘cure’ attached – only a little help.

I’m not really going anywhere with this except to say-  try not to ask too much of the meds, but use their boost to your advantage. I feel that we have to work with the meds – if we don’t then they won’t make much difference to anything.

x x

 

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[lindsey3]

Hi stillwatergirl, I so relate to your point of ‘ swimming upstream’ via work that finally exposes reasons for ongoing difficulties. I was just myself – a bit odd, passionate, private, for me highly successful within my professional role, verbally insensitive with colleagues sometimes ( I would hear myself saying words but couldn’t help or stop the flow some how ) and increasingly losing capacity. My dear dog died on a Monday afternoon and I was back at work early on the following Tuesday – and so my hard won world of hiding feelings, over control, deeply entrenched patterns of routines and repetition, no private life and complex denial started to split open. My unconscious self tapped me on the shoulder and said – you can’t go on any more. I had been swimming upstream for thirty years professionally, but it all started at 18m when I jumped out of a first floor building. This resulted in stitches and a scar that I still have.

At four, I regularly jumped out of my mothers little van when stopped at lights, and ran in the opposite direction. My passion was to run until exhaustion as a child, or to jump from heights – sheds, bunk beds, car roof tops, walls – you name it. I had begun denial of my true self by the age of seven.

When the break or crack happened in my life, I had no idea where the depression and anxiety disorder came from, such was my dislocation from my own real self in relation to my exterior performance. It has taken over sixteen months, a lot of therapy and a diagnosis of ADHD, to begin the first next steps to being perhaps happy, but at least real.

Despite awful difficulties and down feelings, my goal remains positive, and I want this for you too! Everything takes time, but I truly believe that we can be happier with knowledge and strategies, than without.

I know that my future will be different from my past, and I hope happier and more resolved. Fingers crossed!

 

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[lindsey3]

Dear Rick and team, I really enjoyed your presentation and will share it with some friends and family. Like you I initially felt only relief when I was recently diagnosed – profound relief. I’m struggling a bit with the ‘if only I had known at 25, my life would have been happier and healthier’, but at last I understand. Your website gives me courage and a feeling of union as I come to terms with my past and try and work out what my future will look like. Thank you everyone x

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[lindsey3]

Hi! My first instinct on reading your post, is that as an emerging to mid teen you are facing the hurdle of having to do things and talk about things that you just don’t want to really do – maybe for the first time you are challenging the expectations placed upon you. I think that you should continue to get in touch with the young adult that you are becomming. What is that you really like / enjoy / are good at / not so good at / prefer / dislike / find funny / desire / dream about ?Don’t immediately seek a label because you are not necessarily a straight ‘A’ student any more, but embrace your new inner voice and begin to learn who you are. Being dreamy and distracted is a wholesome part of teen life, and to me looks and feels like a different experience to having ADHD.Never say never, but for now, just know that your current experience is perfectly ‘normal’ ( for want of a better word ) and be confident that this is all part of growing into young adulthood. You are the right age to both feel and question the things that are being asked of you. All good so far!Spend more time on yourself and your private thoughts, wishes, dreams and expectations – I think you will be fine,Best wishes x

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[lindsey3]

Wow! Thank you Leila for opening this conversation, and to everyone who is posting. I am in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD right now, at 54 ( although I feel either 10 or 23 most of the time! ) and I too have chosen to be single. I always saw boyfriends / lovers and even a partner of five years as a sort of add on or bonus to my life – they never were my life. My inner life was always too intense, and it took all my energy and focus to simply be me – I chose to put my energies and focus into a rewarding work life. I remember sitting on a step with a good friend when I was 20, and she was imagining having children and a family life, and I knew then in my heart that this wasn’t something for me and would never happen, but I didn’t know why. The thought just made me feel claustrophobic, anxious and stifled. However I am a maternal person, and have had a rewarding career working with children. I have been called eccentric, a free spirit, fiercely independent, odd but nice, a private person, strange,  creative, a loner, maybe a lesbian …… Although I never knew why I turned away from a 24/7  conventional marriage, it hasn’t been too big of a problem because it was simply not an option. I knew that I couldn’t possibly cope with the responsibility of children or marriage.

This is an example of my thinking – in school staff rooms many teachers and staff sit  down at lunchtime and open home made lunches – tuna salad, a  pesto pasta salad, red vegetables all cut up into little pieces because of their diet, a few favoured herbal teabags emerge from a hand bag, a home made slice of cake wrapped in tinfoil is joyfully opened….you get the picture. Throughout this I drink coffee from the coffee machine and a chocolate bar also from the machine, and look on in wonder. How can you possibly deliver all the pre prepared work needed to teach children every day, AND think far enough ahead to have a daily home made lunch which involves shopping, planning, time and effort? All of this was incomprehensible to me. Preparing short, medium and long term planning for each day at work took 100% of my thinking.

So, marriage and children as well? No way. I always felt a sense of difference and being ‘strange’ in comparison to my contempories, but never enough to be forced as a round peg into a square hole. And there are always independent and unique people around to make a connection with!

Thank you everyone – you are helping me a lot x

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[lindsey3]

Hi Overachiever, I am new to Totally ADD and am currently waiting for a formal assessment/diagnosis of ADHD, but at 54 and after a ‘breakdown’ – that is, a crushing depression and development of an anxiety/panic disorder which has resulted in me losing my job as an Advisory Teacher of the Deaf, I relate to your sense of wonder at your diagnosis. Being driven, taking risks, acting impusively ( and relocating on my own, in my case, as I sought to find my life and further my career ) and striving for a sense of perfection in everything to do with the outside world, led to my breakdown. Hiding impulses, thoughts, spontaneous humour, a desire to dominate conversation, speak too fast, walk too fast…the list is endless! I too have been a real achiever, but the cost of constantly modifying my behaviour , thoughts and feelings has been u;timately too much, and I am in a profound state of downtime, as I come to terms with and acknowledge who I really am. What a relief!!  I can’t wait to have my diagnosis, and get on track to a fulfilled and happy life. There is no stigma, and perhaps you feel as I do, that if only there had been more awareness of ADHD when we were young, a lot of troubles may have been averted. I know now that my mother had ADHD as do two of my brothers. Have you quietly looked around your immediate family for clues / traits / commonality?

I have been an avid reader all my life, focusing for six or seven hours at a time on a novel – since my breakdown and release from pressure, I haven’t been able to read anything. I understand now that a lot of my reading was a quick fix downtime activity, and at the moment I am simply myself, resulting in no concentration at all! I feel free. My goal is to reach a happy medium. Embrace your diagnosis! x

 

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