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Evelyn, I’ve been away from the forums for a few days, but I want to catch up on all you’ve written about, so please forgive the long post that follows.
Being sociable is such a big pain yet we need it. Sigh. I have problems in this area and don’t have all the answers. My son’s therapist has been addressing this issue. She’s getting him to think of strategies to connect with individuals about one thing at a time. For example, he has a friend who’s not interested in as many things as my son. So when they get together, my son’s going to suggest they play a video game together because they have that in common. The boy may become his “video game friend” or their friendship may expand over time. He and I are both trying out some new special interest groups to see if there are activities or events that might eventually result in satisfying social interactions.
The therapist also suggests incremental steps to socializing. Rather than going to an overwhelming party, simply say hello to someone at the store (for example) to re-orient the connection with people and experience success rather than failure. And if you have failures, think non-judgmentally about what you felt during that failure and how you might do better next time. I’ve been trying these things and they’re helping me.
My son sees a cognitive therapist and there is a big difference with her as opposed to other therapists we’ve seen. It’s very goal-oriented and direct–which could explain some of your frustrations with therapists.
This therapist is very insistent on speaking up at the moment something happens. At first, this was an unnerving idea, because, I’ve been like you–unsure, keep the peace, etc. But my son has had some real difficulties with bottling up his feelings and then exploding in anger. Expressing himself has been tricky because it’s not always comfortable or elegant, but he’s becoming better and better at it. His overall mood has improved as well (win-win!). We call him the Truth Police now, because if we’re not direct, he’ll call us on it. So we’re all in this thing now!
I’m the one who brought up Tiny Habits. Your habits are much better than mine! I really like Tiny Habits, but I struggled with finding habits to hang new habits onto. I love your idea of turning on the shower right away–I’m terrible with timing my shower, postponing it throughout the day. But I couldn’t think of a way to make it a habit and you solved that. You’ve inspired me. Thank you!
I live in a large city and I can’t find a good ADHD group, so it’s no surprise to me that there isn’t one near you. Starting one can work if you make it as simple as possible. Even better if you can find someone to help coordinate it and/or lead it with you.
I’ve been to some ADHD and some non-ADHD groups and I urge you to have a very specific topic for each meeting (which can be as simple as The One Biggest Thing I Accomplished This Week) and to strictly time-limit both member comments and the length of the meeting. This would be great for support as well as having some social aspects. Go for it!
Having your sister move out is difficult. I can understand why you’re experiencing mixed feelings about this, as well as general feelings of anger. You have a lot of reasons for anger! There’s a company that designed a “scream room” for their employees. That sounds marvelous to me.
Sounds like you were a wonderful caregiver. I know you’re exhausted by doing that, but, still, if you’re up for it, it’s always difficult to find good caregivers. Would you be willing to take someone into your home again, either as a caregiver or a roommate? Is there much demand for that in your area? Are there any respite programs for caregivers in your area? Respite might be something you could more easily take advantage of as a professional caregiver or providing respite care might be a source of revenue for you.
Have you considered listing a room for short term rental on a service like Airbnb? Airbnb is nice for a single woman because it has some verification aspects. I know several people who’ve had good experiences with that both as providers and users.
Uh oh. I’ve gone all ADHD on you. Stopping now.
REPORT ABUSE@Fabulous, whaaaa? Hey, lady, you don’t mess around when it comes to a budget! Also, it’s your dentist appointment and you can wear fish if you want to.
@BlueYugo, if you can tolerate reading, most of the webinar presenters have books that may be at the library.
REPORT ABUSE@Ashockley, it’s a terrible shame that no meds have worked for you. Now I understand why you’d be reluctant to keep experimenting.
The only thing I can add, for what it’s worth, sleep makes a huge difference for me. Although I resisted it for a long time, I now take meds and it really helps. When I don’t get enough sleep, especially if it’s a couple of days in a row, I’m impaired.
I hope you can find a way to get effective medical help soon.
REPORT ABUSEWell, @Ashockley55, as much as I love to diagnose in my armchair, I can’t say whether you have ADHD or SCT, but I have experienced exactly what you’re talking about and I would be shocked to discover I didn’t have ADHD. I feel fortunate in that I think my meds are doing pretty much all they can do, but meds only go so far. I still struggle with procrastination and focus.
When you took meds, did you experiment with more than one med? I take Focalin, but I tried Vyvanse and hated it. Has a doctor ever talked to you about anxiety meds or serotonin reuptake inhibitors?
REPORT ABUSE@Fabulous, I had dental surgery while I was pregnant, so I happen to know they can handle a lot of, shall we say, unpleasantness. Though I bet it won’t be as bad as you anticipate.
REPORT ABUSEI most definitely fall into ADHD Inattentive Type and I feel this kind of conflict all the time. I simply can’t take Dr. Barkley seriously in regard to this issue. I’m with Robbo (Man of a Thousand Monikers)–I prefer Dr. Hallowell and Dr. Jain, among a few others.
@Ashockley55, my experience is very much like yours. I’m quite uninhibited on stage (though I’m a musician, not in burlesque), although I’m fine with being that “other self” on stage. My son (also Inattentive ADHD) has expressed these same feelings of being of 2 minds , describing it as his “front brain” and his “back brain” (as a colorful description, not actual physiology).
In any case, medication has helped me significantly with many of the symptoms of tiredness and anxiety. In fact, for me, relief from the tiredness alone is worth what it takes to get meds.
REPORT ABUSE@Fabulous, thanks for posting this. Stigma is a serious issue, but I think some inroads are being made. Over the past 20 years, I have seen a difference in attitude in many people regarding things like depression and substance abuse.
More celebrities and business leaders are openly talking about ADHD. Just in recent news, there have been articles about ADHD in adults and its genetic basis.
Not perfect by any measure, but progress.
REPORT ABUSEMistercheese, rough patches are hard. If you were diagnosed with ADD as a child, there is a very good chance you still have symptoms. Depression, anxiety and insomnia can also result from or exist alongside ADD.
It’s very hard to solve these problems alone. It sounds like you’re absolutely on the right track by getting in to see a psychiatrist.
REPORT ABUSE@BuxomDiva, what does your son say about the hair-pulling? Is there a pattern or trigger or is it pretty constant?
My son has ADHD (and long hair) and he developed a hair chewing habit which seemed to be a combination of fidgeting and very mild OCD. He was able to stop after being medicated for the ADHD.
I’m not at all suggesting this is the case with your son, simply things are not always what they seem–as if life weren’t difficult enough.
REPORT ABUSEMarch 1, 2013 at 11:51 am in reply to: Having my oldest daughter tested for ADHD Inattentive #119319@Amy, I hate that my son had to go through all the testing (although he was already a teenager), but he’s said he’s glad to know and it has made our lives easier to know. We struggle with now instead of against.
Do you talk much about your ADHD with your family? Has your daughter expressed any dissatisfaction or struggle with school and home?
REPORT ABUSEWell, @Sar316, it only took me 55 years to come to acceptance. And I probably got it from something I read. I’m trying to learn to accept the things I cannot change. Serenity. Now!
REPORT ABUSENo single technique works for every situation or everybody. That’s why I so passionately despise simplistic bromides. On the other hand, I try to consider advice sincerely offered, even if I ultimately reject it. Sometimes I find an aspect or an angle that will work within it.
Sar316, I’ve had similar experiences to yours (and will continue, no doubt). I’m coming to terms with starting over or shifting gears halfway through a project as a fact of my life, my own “strategy.” If I don’t accept this, I won’t ever start anything.
I feel like I’m beating myself up a bit less by recognizing this is how it is with me.
Guess we’re like salmon, not some fish in a bowl. We’re always swimming upstream.
REPORT ABUSE@Scattybird, I will be looking forward to your report as to whether Linda Walker’s course worked for you. Thanks.
REPORT ABUSE@Larynxa, yes and no. My point is, a glib “break the problem into pieces!” is not always helpful. For some situations, the analogy to a recipe is apt. For others, it’s not quite so simple to think through and lay out in steps.
Solutions to this problem depend on each individual’s roadblocks.
Bonnie Mincu gives a good example of the some of those roadblocks we face with her blog post, “Ellen Moves a Dresser.”
http://blog.thrivewithadd.com/2012/06/case-study-in-add-overwhelm/
REPORT ABUSEWhat kind of problems are you having with your girlfriend?
Dr. Edward Hallowell has 2 books that might give you some tips if you’re into reading:
Married to Distraction (about relationships–you don’t have to be married) and also Driven to Distraction(good info about ADD and how to cope with it)
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