[sdwa]

From what I’ve heard, a lack of ability to regulate emotion is part of ADD. There’s this ADD expert guy, Dr. Russell Barkley, who says although emotion was taken out of the diagnostic criteria in the ’70s that he thinks it should be put back in. That made sense to me because I’ve always had problems with managing emotion – a hard time calming down, cheering up, etc. That said, I have depression as a “co-morbid” condition, so it’s hard to say what’s what, or which came first. This is a radio recording about it:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/attentiontalkradio/2011/03/10/the-importance-of-emotion-in-understanding-and-managing-adhd

This is why I just assumed what my son displays is part of his ADHD.

I will ask his pediatrician about these episodes.

It seems like ADHD is complex and manifests differently for different people. How do you know for sure what “is” ADHD or “is not” ADHD? Particularly if not even the so-called “experts” agree?

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[sdwa]

If you want an accurate diagnosis, it might be better to see a psychiatrist than a regular family-practice type of doc. My psy-doc is a woman. She figured it out right away.

It sounds like you’ve gone over and are aware of the symptoms. What I’m hearing in your post is that you’re anxious and obsessing, which is kind of ADDish (do you tend to get stuck in a mental loop and having trouble shifting your attention out of it?) and your brain is run by a middle-manager who takes long lunches, and you’re often late (do you feel like you have more time than you do, or do you notice time expanding and contracting in relation to what you’re doing?) You procrastinate – but do you rise to the occasion in a crisis, or when there is a looming deadline, and suddenly you’re hyper-focused? You say you feel overwhelmed & scattered (which, yes, any mother would), and you sometimes miss important appointments. Do you feel exhausted all the time? Like the basics of daily living are more demanding than running a marathon?

How much are the symptoms affecting your life? The main reason to get an official diagnosis is to get a prescription for stimulants. If you think you might have ADD, you could do more research on it to see if there are coping strategies for the difficulties you face which might be useful even if you don’t have ADD. But if you can’t implement? Then you probably have ADD. LOL.

Have you had these problems all your life?

Right now, I am reading a book called “Women with ADD” by Sari Solden. If you are in a bookstore, I would suggest reading the stories in it to see if you can relate to them. Women are different.

I got my diagnosis when I was 45. I wish I had known earlier – about 20 years earlier. I went down many blind alleys and dead ends searching for explanations as to Why I’m Like This, and Why I Feel Different. Because I’ve always known I’m not on the same planet as most people, and my life has been a huge struggle: jobs, relationships, money, a chronic sense of directionless and feeling of wasted potential that I wish I could access but don’t know how. I was a good student, but that doesn’t mean much, because I was an art major. LOL.

One clue to my diagnosis was that my son has ADHD. When I learned about the symptoms, I started wondering. And I tried some of his medication. Oops! It was like a light coming on. Suddenly I felt relaxed, and I was able to walk down the street and say hello to people without feeling freaked out. Usually if stimulants relax a person, that’s indicative.

One caveat: The pills do not solve everything, they just make it so I can think, without having to sort through a thousand pounds of mental clutter. It’s easier for me to be more self-aware and notice my own behavioral patterns. Many symptoms I thought didn’t apply to me actually do, with increased objectivity.

So, I would suggest that you go ahead and see a doctor, ideally one who has experience treating people with ADD. What have you got to lose (other than the cost of going)? No reason to feel silly about being concerned about your health. As women I think we get more of the “you’re a hypochondriac” type of response from doctors, but hey, they get paid to address patient concerns, not to act mopey and disappointed when we’re not deathly ill. Personally I think it’s because women are different and most medicine is based on a male model – so if men don’t experience something, it must not be real. Or something. Le sigh.

Check it out. You’re still you, in any case.

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[sdwa]

Just noticed under “Tools” on the menu, there are “Downloads,” and in the downloads section there is a PDF of a questionnaire you could take to your doctor.

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[sdwa]

As I understand it, the Brown ADD scale is the gold standard of self-evaluation forms. Unfortunately, these forms are far from free.

It’s hard to imagine a doctor’s office not having some kind of evaluation form. What’s up with that?

There are many free online tests, such as this one:

http://www.oneaddplace.com/add-test.php

They don’t give a print-out option but you can probably do a screen print, or just copy the questions to show your doctor, or send your doctor to the website in his office and do it there in front of him.

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[sdwa]

I can relate to compulsive spending. I know if I go into certain environments (oh, I don’t know – like a store?) I’m going to want to spend money. The longer I stay in a store, the greater the likelihood that I’m going to spend more than I can afford, and bring home stuff I don’t need, want, like, or have space for – but which seemed like a good idea at the time. One thought leads to another…look at this, and wouldn’t it go great with that? And so on.

I also understand the lying. I would lie because I didn’t want to admit how much I’d spent, because I knew it was too much, and I felt deeply ashamed, like I should be able to control myself, but I would lose perspective in the moment. For a while I got into collectibles, which was of course a disaster, and I would be desperate – DESPERATE – for my next “fix.” At one point I had about $10K in credit card debt.

I’ve learned I can’t go shopping in certain places, or without a list to remind me why I’m there, and it’s even better if I take a body guard who will keep me from making bad decisions.

A support group with other people who have ADD can really help.

One thing you might try is to set aside a certain amount of money you know you can safely spend – like cash in an envelope, designated for, let’s say, shoes – and when the envelope is empty, that’s it for the month.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if it’s possible to set up a kind of “trust fund” account for yourself. My father used to have one because he was schizophrenic and had a gambling habit, would spend all his money on beer, or give it away on impulse. His family set up automatic bill payments for him, and then gave him a certain amount of “pocket money” and made sure there would be enough to keep him going for years. I’d like to do that for myself! Why make it harder than it needs to be? What if you had a bank account for your daughter with only her name on it, so you couldn’t access the money?

You might try to take note of where you are when you want to spend money, what you want to spend it on, how you feel when that happens, and what’s going on in your environment. When you begin to recognize the situations that prompt you to over-spend, you can start to avoid those situations, or alter them in some way.

For example, I’ve learned that I don’t do well in crowds. I want to take classes and join social and professional groups, but I just can’t. Groups are not for me. When I’m in a large group, I feel overwhelmed and anxious, I can’t listen, I feel freakish, and then spend a huge amount of energy trying to pretend I’m like everyone else. It’s exhausting, and I start to think everyone can see something is wrong with me, and then I tend to get angry and defensive, or just feel depressed. Every time I go into a large group situation, I leave feeling demoralized and alienated. It doesn’t matter who they are, how well I know them, or why they’re there. I’ve come to accept that large groups don’t work for me. I need to stick to one-on-one interactions, study one-on-one, or take classes online. I can handle 5-10 people, but beyond that I’m going past my personal limit. While this is not “normal” for most of the world, it’s normal for me.

My suggestion is to try to take the moralizing out of the equation (i.e. thief, liar, irresponsible, dishonest, self-indulgent, passive-aggressive, selfish, yadda yadda yadda) and start to just observe where you are when you overspend. Become a detective in your own life. Follow yourself around and record what you do. You’ll begin to recognize patterns and triggers. When you learn where and when you go wrong, don’t judge yourself for it. Don’t tell yourself you “shouldn’t” be that way. I think this is where a lot of us get hung up – we think we should be able to do certain things which really are beyond us. Accept that you are the way you are. Then structure your environment so it supports you in doing what you know is right. This takes practice and observation, but you can learn to do it.

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[sdwa]

For me, wanting to tell people has had more to do with needing to talk through my experience in order to understand it myself. Not so much about getting them to understand me, because I don’t want to fall into the trap of making excuses. My responsibilities are still my responsibilities – how I choose to meet them is for me to figure out. (For example, it’s my job to pick up the mail every day, but I know if I don’t post the task where it will be right in my face, I won’t remember. I need to set an alarm and post a note. I can’t say, Oh, sorry, I can’t remember to get the mail, I have ADD, because it’s part of my job.)

So far, listening to other people with ADD share their experiences and learning about common patterns and the neurological stuff has helped me feel less of a need to explain – or over-explain – to other people who either don’t understand, don’t believe in it, don’t want to know, or don’t need to know.

That said, I am not shy or secretive about it. I’m not ashamed of it, maybe because it doesn’t carry the same stigma as something like bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia. Besides, I don’t care that much what people think – it’s none of their business. And how can I care what they think when half the time I don’t even remember who they are? LOL. No, but seriously…it might be worth asking yourself: When does it serve your best interests to tell someone? What are you trying to gain by telling them?

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[sdwa]

Thank you both!

I’m relieved to know this is not unusual for ADD kids. Actually, I remember being that way, too – and I still am (like my recent failure to make an origami bird has me on the verge of tears, LOL.)

Giving the kid space and time sounds like a good idea. I couldn’t do anything for him last night. He scared me. He was hysterical for TWO HOURS. It wasn’t like a 10 or 15 minute episode, although it can be. If he’s that wound up he might do things like start banging his head against the wall, or talk about wanting to die…usually out of frustration at, as in this case, not being able to reach a goal in a video game. In the past, when I’ve had to physically restrain him so he wouldn’t injure himself, he’s gotten extremely angry and hit, kicked, or bitten me. There’s just no dealing with him when he’s like that, and he can be heard all over the house. Sometimes he’ll just launch into a tirade or rant about the injustice of having to do homework and how much he hates school, and he’ll go on and on about whatever he’s preoccupied with for half an hour.

I keep thinking: This is a person who ought never to own a handgun….

After last night, I’m still traumatized…and he’s perfectly fine, like it never even happened.

How do you stay sane? (if you do)

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[sdwa]

I’m on Concerta, 27 mg, and have noticed a decrease in appetite during the day. I think that’s pretty typical. My son takes 36 mg and usually doesn’t get hungry until he’s coming down, at around 10:30 – 11:00 pm, so I have to remind him to eat. There’s probably a lot to be said for eating on a schedule, but hey, I wouldn’t know….

You might try eating protein when you crave sugar. I’ve experimented with a low-glycemic diet and it turns out I’m much mellower if I avoid the sugar and other processed/refined carbs. Protein keeps my energy levels and moods more even throughout the day. Plus, if I go without sugar for a while, I lose my taste for it – even a piece of fruit seems excessively sweet. Keeping my caffeine intake to two cups a day helps – so I don’t get that late afternoon brain crash.

Other dietary stuff I’ve heard of but not implemented includes: Omega 3s, preferably from food, Vitamin D because in the northern hemisphere most of us don’t get enough, B-complex vitamins, anti-oxidants – fish, dark green or yellow veggies. And if you have trouble sleeping, it’s supposed to be good to have foods like milk, bananas, or turkey late at night.

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[sdwa]

Love your name, “Librarian Chef” – that’s awesome.

Tell me about it, you know? I spent all day yesterday working on repeat designs, and my wrist hurts from mousing away on the computer, and then I went home and spent the entire evening when I should have been doing any one of a number of other things on doing more of the same. When I’m involved in something, the house could collapse around me and I’d tune it out.

The point is: What was going on when you were hyperfocused? What were you doing? What type of thinking was involved? I’m just saying, that information is a clue to what you’re good at – IF that information has eluded you up until now. Some people have successful careers and don’t need to think too much about it. I’m not one of those people!

I can control my hyperfocus to the extent that, knowing what types of activities I’m attracted to, and what subject matter interests me, and knowing that if I see that stuff, I’m going to get sucked in like a bug flying right into a venus fly-trap – then I have a choice about whether or not I put myself in that environment. I know if I start a project, I won’t want to stop until it’s done, so I don’t start unless I have twelve hours.

What’s more challenging is if I’m hyperfocused on a mood – I can drive myself nuts fulminating about some stupid event or conversation or whatever. When that happens, the best thing for me to do is take myself somewhere else. Go outside, move around, put on some music – anything that would shift my energy. Meditation also helps.

For whatever that’s worth.

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[sdwa]

My doctor mentioned this to me as well. Apparently, there is planning involved in manufacturing drugs!

Who knew?

So “they” project, based on past demand, such as the demand in the last year or last few years, how much they’ll need for the coming year….And they guessed wrong. That’s why.

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[sdwa]

Everyone reacts differently to medications. I think it’s normal for an adjustment to take a few days, but it shouldn’t make you feel BAD.

Concerta works great for me – but before I started taking it, I tried a number of other drugs, which I must say was not a pleasant experience. Ritalin made me feel like I had toxic syrup running through my veins – I felt slow and heavy, I had headaches, and everything seemed distorted in a sinister way. I don’t remember what all else I tried – a few different alternatives – but the experimentation phase truly was not enjoyable.

So, just to encourage you – hang in there. Maybe you’ll feel better on Concerta in a few days. If not, your doctor should be willing to work with you to find the right medication at the right dose.

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[sdwa]

This is a topic close to home because I struggle with it. I’m Jewish, and I can tell you there’s plenty of guilt over there as well. ; ) Standards are high, and self-control is central. It’s hard to look – or to be asked to look – at personal failings when there are so few successes. As I’ve learned more about ADD, I’ve come to appreciate that some of the things I am criticized for, such as not appearing “friendly” or seeming to be “selfish,” “self-seeking,” or even “passive aggressive” (that hurts)…are related to having a hard time tuning in and filtering out other stuff, feeling overwhelmed or shut down, and also, frankly, having developed a painful drive to seek approval where there will never actually be any. On the bright side, realizing that external validation is unreliable and unlikely, I’m forced to rely on God for approval, not on other people. It stinks to confide in a religious leader and be told I’m a bad person and that I failed over and over. The structure of ritual (there are many daily rituals) would be great for me if I could actually implement them reliably, but they are difficult to learn, remember and keep track of. But the thing that really kills me is that I am easily over-stimulated in large groups, and find that when I’m in a room full of people, I feel bombarded by the noise, movement, facial expressions, etc – way too much information – and I can’t keep up with the service, I am always a step behind, and the necessity of interacting nicely with people when I feel completely freaked out makes it worse. Then I leave feeling exhausted and demoralized – not what a person wants out of a religious environment! It’s led to my feeling very discouraged about my prospects of connecting with a religious community. Which in Judaism is a major bummer, because so much of what we do is focused on family, community, and communal identity. It’s hard to be “altruistic” when I feel like hell. Emotional regulation is a significant problem in my life.

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[sdwa]

Almost burned the house down on more than one occasion, so you are not alone. My husband insists I stay in the kitchen when I’m cooking because I have a bad habit of forgetting I’ve started to cook something…and then walking away, returning only to find a scorched pot full of ashes. One time I was making candles and the wax got too hot and burst into flame. So, not knowing this was a smother-type fire, turned cold water on it, and the flames and smoke shot to the ceiling like something out of the Wizard of Oz. My children were traumatized! They still say to me, “Mom, don’t ever make candles again!” And I haven’t.

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[sdwa]

Wow. Had to comment because I did that – left my car running, with the keys in it, unlocked – while grocery shopping. I was amazed the car was still there when I got back.

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[sdwa]

What is there for anyone to gain in denying ADD exists – ?

Aren’t there people around who still say autistic kids are just “bratty” and “spoiled”?

You know that expression “Can 10 million people be wrong?” – I think the answer is Yes. They can be. And frequently are.

As for the topic of Free Will, I don’t think the concept is at odds with ADD at all – at least not any more than any other disability. It’s not like anyone expects a blind person to get over their willful refusal to see. But a blind person would still be able to make choices – such as the choice to learn how to get around town without getting lost. The idea that we can’t change the way our brains work at will – just as we can’t change the color of our eyes – should not be that heretical. What we can change is our willingness to find compensatory strategies – which I think most ADDers are dying to find, would love to find. Because having a life that doesn’t work really isn’t that much fun.

What about the fact that Concerta – a stimulant – relaxes me? It calms me down, and helps me sleep!

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