[sdwa]

What motivates you? When you are at your most active, what thoughts or feelings are driving that activity? What are the circumstances? Are you responding to direct needs or requests of others? This is a key thing to notice, because it can help you later. It sounds like you responded – brilliantly – in an emotional-crisis situation.

Typically, people with ADHD need some kind of external cue or stimulation to launch into activity. We’re not good at doing this for ourselves. I have read advice to the effect that if I want to get things done, I have to put up notices or visual props for myself in the place where I will be doing the activity. Managing ADHD is about creating external structure.

Maybe you were great at work because you got regular feedback from the people around you. Maybe you’re great with your kids because kids (as a mom I know this) make us want to do things for them we would never bother to do for ourselves.

I find for myself that I’m much better with a mentor, teacher, or coach. A leader of a therapy group I am doing for people with ADHD suggested the idea of a “body double” – or a buddy to check in with about what we’re doing, to whom we can be accountable.

I don’t know you, but I would suggest getting a diagnosis and getting on medication would be the best thing to tackle first. Then learn as much as you can about ADHD. This can help you separate your sense of self from the symptoms it causes, so you can stop berating yourself for being unproductive. You need to learn how you work, and accept it as natural for you, rather than being a character flaw or personal failing. I recommend Sari Solden’s book “Women with Attention Deficit Disorder” and Russell Barkley’s “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD.” John Ratey also has a book called “Spark” which talks about the effects of exercise on the ADHD brain. The reason I suggest getting on medication first and learning more about ADHD is that then you can make better-informed decisions about the type of work environment that can help you do your best work. For whatever that’s worth. Usually I tackle a problem in terms of what is most urgent, but often find that rushing in without thinking things through leads me into situations that might not be the best fit.

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[sdwa]

Just wanted to say the stimulants might not affect you the way you’d expect. When I started taking them, the first thing I noticed was how much calmer and more relaxed I felt. I’m 48 and haven’t had any adverse side effects like blood-pressure issues. You may have to try a few different meds to get the right one.

My house looks like a tornado hit. I can’t do my laundry until every last article of clothing is dirty, so there’s always that one day when I’m wearing something either very formal – or very frumpy. LOL. There’s never any food in the house. We don’t pay our bills until we get the shut-off notice.

I avoid driving because it freaks me out, and I know I’m bad at it. If I have to use the car, I go at a low-traffic time of day on side streets. Before diagnosis I felt shamed of this “fear of driving” but now I actually think I was being sensible and have good instincts for self-preservation – plus I don’t want to hurt anyone! If other people don’t get it, tough tiddly-winks.

I used to stay up very late but since I began going to bed earlier I find that I wake up very early and the beginning hours of the day have a special sweetness no other time period does, so it’s totally worth it.

The wasting the entire day syndrome is familiar to me. All I can say about this is that it’s not worth getting down on yourself about it. Activation is part of ADHD. You might start to notice, the next time you are inspired to get going on some project, what it was that got you started, and then see if you can re-create those circumstances in another situation.

What WGreen says about implementation – I agree. I think it’s kind of dumb every time I see advice about what we should do – because if we could do anything at all, we would have done it by now. But hopefully we can at least learn to understand we’re impaired and should ask for help. There’s no shame in it.

I’ve heard it’s good to post notes and information around, right where I’m going to be using it and where I will see it, and I’ve started to do that. Where our brains fail, we can build a sort of prosthetic-brain environment. I am hoping this strategy will prove to be effective in the implementation category – because forgetting what I had planned is half the challenge. The other half is feeling pressured or self-critical.

Oh – and – I just read that emotion is an important ingredient in getting things done. I notice I can do things for other people, or when I am accountable to another person, that I’d never do for myself. I need feedback. I wish there were ways to automate this, too.

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[sdwa]

Don’t know if this will help or not, but I hear you. I’ve had similar experiences – just being desperate for approval. Before diagnosis I had seen multiple therapists over a period of about 20 years, and they didn’t help much because they didn’t know what the problem was – ADHD.

What has helped me:

Finding a support group of other people with ADHD has allowed me to separate what’s “me” from the symptoms, so I don’t feel like a failure, and am better able to cut myself some slack, and to make the problem external where it can be worked on. It’s good to understand this is a real problem, not a character defect.

Learning as much as possible about ADHD and brain functioning to reduce self-blame and start to focus on work-arounds and what can be changed. Some experts say the best way for us to change is to make instructions external – like posting a note to yourself about what you need to do in the place you will actually be doing it. You can also post notes around to cheer yourself on (and it’s more than okay to do that if it helps YOU.)

Becoming a detective in my own life, learning to take note of the circumstances under which I function best – and then trying to create that environment for myself.

Thinking long and hard about my personal value system, about a code of ethics and beliefs about what makes life good and meaningful for me, what I think justice and fairness look like – and then using that as my yardstick about what kind of person I am. This means what other people think doesn’t matter – what I think is what’s paramount. So the approval comes from inside of me, instead of from out there, because I’m meeting my own standards and am learning to be much kinder to myself. But I couldn’t do this successfully if I didn’t understand the REAL limitations that come with ADHD, and accept them. I have a disability.

If other people don’t get it, that’s their problem. You know what your true motives are, and if despite your best intentions the people around you are still harsh and critical, avoid them. Reach out to people who DO get you. Honor yourself for the tremendous amount of work you do just getting out of bed in the morning and getting on with your life every day. You deserve that.

Namaste

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[sdwa]

Yes, I often feel this way. I avoid large group situations, and find that I have to psych myself up for even meeting a friend for a cup of coffee. I’m usually good one-on-one for about 2-1/2 hours, and then I start to feel depleted. When I’ve had a lot of social contact, I can become exhausted and need a lot of time alone to get back to feeling normal – like one meeting a day, and I’m done until the next day. I don’t like having people too close to me in physical space. I have a pretty low stimulation threshold in general. I don’t listen to music because it grates on my nerves, for example. When I’m at my best, I’m usually by myself or at home where my family is around but not in the same room, or when it’s just a couple of us at a time. Luckily I work in a small office environment where I am generally alone at my desk and it is quiet. There are times when I feel so irritable because of noise and activity around me that it’s very hard to be civil.

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[sdwa]

Dude, you know what? I’m 48, too. I got the diagnosis at 45, and it would have been nice to know what the situation was about 40 years before that. Maybe you’re thinking: Oh my god, I’m impaired!

But actually, this is good news. Because now you can A) stop kicking yourself for the things you struggle with and actually get some help.

There is life after diagnosis. Maybe not the life you thought you had, but hey, you’re still exactly the same person. But now, if you learn about ADHD, you’ve got information you can use to change your environment to support you in doing what you want and need to do.

Good books you could even peruse in the bookstore include: Taking Charge of Adult ADHD (Russell Barkley) and Journeys Through ADDulthood (Sari Solden.)

Barkley’s website has a downloadable/read online first chapter of his book here: http://www.russellbarkley.org/adhd-research.htm

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[sdwa]

shutterbug55: This link may interest you: http://LineZero.org – they are accepting fiction submissions with deadline June 15

Have you ever tried National Novel Writing Month?

I feel the same way about other people’s energy getting on me. It’s like my clothing absorbs it, and it gets into my hair. I always want to shower after I’ve been out around people. I prefer being home, also. Not afraid to go out, but just prefer to stay where it’s quiet and there is privacy.

toofat – I think I understand what you’re saying, and was thinking earlier about how I used to be more angry and misanthropic, probably because I didn’t fit in – but now that I know I have ADD, that has given me a different perspective on the struggles I experience daily, and I don’t bear other people ill will because of those struggles. I probably do judge people by the way they look, because possessions represent values due to their associations – which don’t come from me but come from the culture. And people know this – that is why there is such a thing as “dress for success,” and lawyers tell their clients what to wear in court. That’s why there is image consulting. But that’s not really what I’m talking about with the overload stuff. I’m talking about a physical reaction against too much activity & commotion. I get overstimulated and exhausted when I’m in group situations, and that tends to overshadow my sense of who I am in those environments. There’s just too much going on. I don’t think that’s a psychology thing, I think it’s a brain thing. Other people might treat it like an emotional issue, but I think I’m just hard-wired that way.

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[sdwa]

Thanks for those tips, Toofat.

I’m pretty bad at social interactions because I tend to become extremely tense – not because I’m shy, but because I get overwhelmed by all the information flying around the room – everything from clothing and the values and lifestyle choices they reflect, to facial expressions, social status, body language – the visuals are too loud, and the noise is even louder.

My biggest problem is those “lofty opinions” of which you speak. Gads, I have them. It’s hard to keep my mouth shut, particularly if I’m having a spasm of self-righteousness. So kudos to you if you can keep that stuff under wraps. In my book, that’s an achievement.

I can do the give-and-take, but I never know how to leave or end a conversation without being rude. How do you get away gracefully?

The other thing that throws me are chit-chat type interactions that are not meant to communicate anything meaningful but are just to “make nice” with others. The kind of exchange where no one says anything substantive, ever. Where it’s okay to talk about the weather, non-controversial events like parades and concerts, bargain-hunting at yard sales, sports, kids’ activities, recipes, and maybe movies or TV – the safe and superficial. How do you feign interest and follow the discussion while bored out of your mind?

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[sdwa]

Yes, I have thought about it quite a bit.

I’ve been called to jury duty at least half a dozen times in my life – all before I knew I had ADHD. I’ve never been selected to serve on a jury. Maybe I seem weird, or maybe they wouldn’t have chosen me anyway – I don’t know. However, based on past experience, I’m guessing I never will be chosen, probably because I look like a wreck.

That’s because I freak out every time I have to go into the courthouse building. I feel overwhelmed. I get so upset just being there, with so many people, the noise, the guards, the scrutiny involved in going through security and sitting in a jury box, the questions, the loud video tapes, etc. that I can’t eat or sleep for the entire 48 hours. Plus, it’s boring to sit there waiting to be herded about – truly hellishly boring. I feel like I’m the one in jail. I hate everything about it. It’s a horrible ordeal.

I’ve thought about asking my psychiatrist for a letter the next time I get a summons, but I don’t know if I want that in my permanent medical records or in the courthouse records. I’ve wondered what would happen if I asked a judge to excuse me once I’m already there.

Would I be good on a jury? Probably not, because I won’t assert myself in a group, and I get confused easily. I get emotional and defensive.

But consider this: There actually are attorneys who are courtroom litigators, who have ADHD. No one is stopping them from presenting a case, which involves much more detailed work than listening to a case. No one asks them to disclose that they have ADHD, either, I bet. If they can do it, why couldn’t one of us do it?

As for causing someone to go to prison for years, that’s why there’s more than one person on the jury. The majority decides.

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[sdwa]

Well, it isn’t really FUNNY, exactly – but aside from leaving my car running with the keys in it while I went grocery shopping, and aside from almost burning the house down while engaged in a craft project, making candles – and aside from showing up for an appointment a week early (but at the right time of day!) – and aside from having to climb into my car through the trunk because I’d parked too close to two other cars to get the door open….

There was this one day, riding the bus in to work, everything seems fine, and when the driver pulls into my stop downtown, I get up and start walking down the aisle. I hear someone in the back of the bus call out, “Hey! Your dress is in your panties!” I’d gotten the hem of my skirt tucked into the back of my tights, I guess when I was using the bathroom before leaving the house. I’m just grateful I heard about it on the bus instead of walking down the street. Woo woo! Flash Dance!

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[sdwa]

Random suggestions:

If you have Outlook for your email or calendar, you can use the task list and also set an alarm reminder, including for recurring tasks or appointments.

Calendars don’t work for me if I can’t see them – so I got a dry-erase calendar which I put next to my work space at home. Then I can see what’s coming up for the whole month. (That said, it took days before I could face paying a bill online that I had to log in to pay, because I constantly forget my passwords, and knew I’d have to create a new one, and can’t ever think of good ones. I’m afraid to do automatic bill-pay because I might over-commit. I have no idea how much money is in my account. I’m afraid to look.)

Some credit card companies will send your statement via email.

I really need to SEE what has to happen, where it needs to take place, where I’m going to be, and visual cues help the most. Others might like alarms or bells (but for me, I just forget the noise as soon as it stops – but I remember feeling annoyed by it!)

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[sdwa]

Your in-laws sound horrible. Sorry, but they do. Avoid them as much as possible. They have no business berating you – or telling you to get an abortion!?! That is twisted. They have more problems than you ever will! Just…YUCK. There’s no excuse for that. Do not internalize what they say!

I want to recommend a couple of books I have been reading. One is Sari Solden’s “Women with Attention Deficit Disorder.” I feel like she wrote my life story in this book. She gets what we’re up against, from the inside out. She has ADD too. It’s been kind of a painful read because I identify with it so strongly, but it helps me wrap my brain around what this disorder means and does and how it’s impacted my life on so many levels.

The other book is Russell Barkley’s “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD.” He goes through a list of symptoms in the early chapters and shows how often adults with ADHD experience these challenges compared with “typical” non-ADHD adults. People with ADHD report these problems about like 60-90% of the time whereas adults who don’t have it report these problems 2-5% of the time. There is a big difference. It’s real.

As upsetting as it is to learn the impairment is real, it does help to know there are reasons why I’ve had so many problems – and that I’m not the inherently bad or morally deficient person I thought I was.

My step-father said he doesn’t believe in ADHD and that it’s just made up by the drug companies. But considering he does believe in things like the lost continent of Atlantis – ? And this guy has a Ph.D. in molecular biology. LOL. He is not a big part of my life, regardless. The point being, there are many people in this world who don’t know what they’re talking about. Ignore them.

No, really: Ignore them!

Anyway, hang in there. I’m glad you have a husband and children who love you and understand. It’s important to have those special people in life who “get” you. To have places where who you are is OK.

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[sdwa]

In all honesty, I didn’t get much, if anything, out of CHADD membership. I see it as an organization for parents and families of people with ADHD, rather than a resource for those of us with ADHD. Most of what they share seems to be about getting accommodations at school, and legal issues. I’m not saying membership is a bad thing, but I do think it’s a good idea to know in advance what you want to get out of it. Because if you’re looking for support, advice, or coping strategies, they really don’t offer that. While I find it helpful to understand the disorder, I have yet to encounter any organization offering life-management strategies.

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[sdwa]

Sorry you’re dealing with all of that. I’ve forgotten about my tabs and gotten stopped for it as well. Sometimes, however, by NOT acting ashamed or guilty, but instead trying to appear cool and rational, you can get the fines reduced, if you lay out a logical argument and plead poverty. In my experience going in there with a kick-me sign means they’re going to kick me. I think it would be worth asking for legal advice – maybe there is a free legal aid hotline in your area.

We’re forever getting notices that our gas has been shut off, or our water or electricity is about to be shut off, because bills have a way of getting lost or buried. I wish I could be on top of this stuff, and maybe I’ll find a way. One thing that helps is a highly visible dry-erase calendar hanging on my wall, where I can see at a glance what my obligations are that month. I’d like to believe we can solve these problems, but we’re probably not going to be able to solve them using the same methods other people use.

I wonder if we can use ADHD as an excuse to get out of jury duty? 😉

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[sdwa]

You mean, where to go for help if you have ADHD?

For kids (not parents) I haven’t seen much that wasn’t written or produced by a clueless adult trying to make ADHD sound so much cuter than it is. (Even the stuff written for adults can be pretty condescending.) Maybe someone else can list some books for kids that are not annoying. My son has it and I wish I had resources for him.

For adults, there is all kinds of stuff.

There is http://www.chadd.org, and about a million books.

Are you looking for information on support groups, information on the disorder itself (what it looks/feels like), about medication and what it does, or for strategies on how to deal with ADHD?

Most people get their diagnosis from a doctor or psychiatrist, sometimes a psychologist. And whoever it is should be knowledgeable about ADHD (a lot of doctors are not.) These would be people who are qualified to prescribe medications – I mean, that’s the main reason for seeing them.

Other types of help could come from a therapist (who helps deal with emotional issues around ADHD), a coach (who might support an person with ADHD through a process, such as organizing their schedule), or a professional organizer (who’d help with clearing away the heaps of clutter and arranging the home so you can find your stuff.) And support groups of people who share the same challenges can be helpful in finding out you’re not alone. Then I guess there is the category of tutors who could help with school work, someone trained to help with learning disabilities. There’s also diet & exercise stuff that can help. It’s a pretty big topic.

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[sdwa]

Same here. No “on paper” accomplishments, although I have accomplished many things – just not things that would count on the scorecard to anyone but me. Many episodes of depression throughout my life. Didn’t get the ADD diagnosis until I was 45, and by then so many years of misery, confusion, frustration, bad decisions, and exhaustion that I have all this emotional baggage piled on top of the ADD stuff. I could never understand how people launched careers in anything. I’d see them decide to go do something, and then do it – and I would be like – what? How did they do that? I’ve always been an outsider, watching people who were competent do things and get real jobs, as if they’d been given a magic key to a world I was permanently locked out of. Now, even though the challenges are the same, the mystery is at least solved, which is a starting point.

So, I would just add to what others have said above – there is no value in self-flagellation, or the coulda’s and shoulda’s. If you need to grieve, that’s okay, but just remember: ADD doesn’t define you. And there is no realistic way to know What Might Have Been.

I’ve found a greater sense of meaning in studying spiritual texts, and in creative projects, and also helping other people if I can. I’ve slowly developed a belief in a Creator who loves us unconditionally, and has created, and continues to create, an amazingly complex universe. The beauty of it is astounding. I’ve come to believe that being alive is itself pretty miraculous. I also know I am just a small, temporary being, so the higher values, like whether or not I’m kind to other people, or whether or not I helped someone today, matter more than how much stuff I have or my job title or how many diplomas are hanging on my wall. There is a great quote from someone, unfortunately I’m not sure who said it…the gist of it is that we’re here on this earth not to revel in our accomplishments, beauty, wealth, power, prestige, or what we own, but to bring out our own inner light, and to use it to make the world a better place.

Of course, this doesn’t help pay the rent, but it helps me keep things in perspective. What am I doing in my life that’s going to matter in a hundred years? I tend to think this is the stuff like being good to my children, so they are good to other people they encounter, and the ripple effect which comes from that. Or maybe someone was touched by my art or my writing, or maybe I said something comforting to a friend, or maybe did some kindness for a stranger that gave them hope or eased their loneliness, or maybe I just make life easier for my family. I mean, what’s life for, anyway? The greatest gifts I’ve received were acts of compassion from others.

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