[Carrie]

I just got home from the Doctors and now have Ritalin 10-20mg twice a day to start since the Dexedrine was making no difference at all. She told me to start slow, 10mg for the first day or 2 and then up it and see her in about 2 weeks to see how it is working out! I hope it does! I took 10mg about 2 1/2 hours ago, still really dont seem any different. We will see!

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[Carrie]

Hahahahaaha yes! Exactly!! I managed to entertain myself with playing my video game again.. some friends came online, so thats kept me mind busy!

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[Carrie]

How did you get all better?

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[Carrie]

This is EXACTLY how im feeling today too laddybug!!

Frustrating isnt it!

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[Carrie]

Hey yeah thats a good idea! I will defiantly read about it!

I have talked to the teacher about it, but yeah, they are only 5 and 4 years old. Will just have to keep a close eye on them!

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[Carrie]

I cant wait for this trial and error period to be over! Baby steps! Its just so hard to wait, first all the interviews, and all the questionnaires, and then YAY for you, you have it! And then more tests, and then you finally get your prescription, and goodness, have to wait more! hahaha Ah well! Its happening!

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[Carrie]

Well I like to post my thoughts! It helps a lot! Today went better. No headache, and I noticed I made it downtown without any panic attacks when normally I do panic and dont get errands done, only because there is so much going on at once and so many things I need to remember, I just cant do it, but today I did!! YAY! I was in my own world happy and got everything I needed done! I wasnt rushed, I wasnt a panicked mess and was on time!

I have also been thinking about the 5mg and how I dont feel much of a difference, and I know that they will up the dose, and I guess my expectations oh that great big “AH HA” like for others will maybe come my way too! maybe not. I do feel small differeneces though, like the decreased anxiety, and Im a calmer. Im just so excited to get this treated I wanted it bing, bang boom! Im too impatient! hahaha goodness me eh. I was just a little upset in that previous post! But Ive thought it through and vented (in a nice way haha) to my husband which always helps me sort it out.

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[Carrie]

hahahaha! yes! of course! You are exactly right!

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[Carrie]

Nellie – “We on the other hand when we find out it’s ADD, seem to be obsessed with finding an explanation and vindication and wanting everyone to else to know too.”

Your right. I dont waste my time with that. I do however like to find out why people do the things they do. Psychology has ALWAYS been a passion of mine. Though I dont know much about it, but I love to watch humans and their behaviors, find out what makes them tick. I always search for why I do the things I do and how I can change it. Its never easy and I always felt that I was missing something and couldnt pin point it. I dont look to ADD as an excuse by any means. Your right, thats just a waste of time, you get no where with that.

But I just never could understand when others are faced with a fault, and know how to overcome, but choose not to when they have the wiring to do so (my A to B example). When people like us try frantically try to change these things but with our chemistry can not! Yes it hurts to change and its never easy, but doesnt that far out weigh the pain? Im not perfect, but im willing to look at where my motives and hurt comes from to overcome where others dont even dare to tread!

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[Carrie]

I know I put my husband through A LOT of torment in only 7 years. From alcohol abuse, to drug abuse, verbal abuse, affairs…. Oh my… I always said he was the good one, and I was the bad one in the relationship. Im VERY VERY VERY thankful that he is forgiving, and patient, and for some reason loves me to no end.

With the ADD my temper is short because so many things are rushing through my head I just cant keep up! Then a little thing would set me off and I wouldnt know how to deal with it and then in turn get mad and become verbally abusive towards him or shut down (by spending hours on my PC playing video games). I saw what I was doing, I saw how it hurt him so bad when he didnt deserve and that hurt me A LOT and in turn would make me angrier and worse. I would try to push him away, tell him he should just kick me out. Luckily my husband and I talk about everything. He asked me why I wanted to leave, what he had done, why I wasnt happy with him. I couldnt believe what I was hearing! I didnt realize that he had assumed I was unhappy because of him and he thought I was angry at him. I explained to him that I felt like such a wreck, all I ever did was hurt him and he didnt deserve me, he deserved so much more and that when im angry its NEVER at him, but I didnt know what to do and would get so wound up I would explode or more ofter just shut down because I didnt want to hurt him. I wanted him to kick me out so he wouldnt have to deal with me anymore. NOT because I was selfish and it was all about me, me me! It was the total opposite. I felt he deserved WAY more and shouldnt have to put up with my… well ADD! Now I say I wasnt selfish, but infact I am… But in a different way…

I work in geriatric care (old folks), and while talking to one of the residents who is depressed and lonely she gave me a revelation! I was telling her how being single is so much easier, you dont have to worry about hurting anyone else (because thats all I seemed to do), you could do what you wanted and whenever (keep in mind I felt that no one should have to put up with me, and I didnt deserve anyone with the way I am). Then she looked at me and said. Thats selfish. I didnt understand. But she continued that its selfish to keep myself from others, no im not perfect but I have a lot of good qualities and not to share with others, not to let someone love me, share with me, laugh with me and work through my mistakes and shortcomings was selfish! Boy did that ever open my eyes! Im not as crazy as I used to be thats for sure. I have learned to trust and rely on my husband for many things.

I am very happy to have someone like him. He stuck by my side through the thick and thin. We have had many talks, stayed up late into the night crying together trying to find a way for me to stop being such an “idiot”. Thankfully all my things (alcohol abuse, drugs, affairs) didnt last long (cause I get bored way too quick hahaha) and he forgave me. That showed me that maybe I really am worth something. Maybe im not all that bad. I asked him why he loves me so much when im such a jerk (REALLY BAD PMS hahaha), he says because the moments im my happy, hyper, loving self and his wife, that far outweighs everything else! I have been fortunate enough to actually LEARN from some mistakes, took a long time and a lot of grief, but I did.

I think both partners have to be willing to stick it out, and learn and listen to each other. Will only work if BOTH are willing. Cant do it all by yourself and cant force the other one to do anything. We all learn at our own pace. Plus it hurts to see our own faults, man does it hurt, so many wont ever take the time to search. I HATE the pain, but I know the outcome and how good it is and how much better you feel, and then you laugh about the hard times. Scar is there, but pain is gone. Not all are willing.

Sorry about my ramble off, but I hope it helped not only you, but maybe other ADDers like myself!

And of course this was all before I found out I have ADD, I hope now with treatment I can live to my full potential! Find out who I really am and find that piece to the puzzle that was missing and I felt was somewhere out there!

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[Carrie]

Its day 2. Took the 5mg Dexedrine about 60 mins ago. I still feel no difference. Maybe I was expecting too much or something totally different?

Last summer from June to September I was taking MDMA, an illicit drug. As a kid I always wanted to try drugs, they came my way and I tried them. MDMA is a stimulant, it would make me high yes, but not in the ways it would others. All my friends would become so hyper and crazy where I would be calm and relaxed. I would get that super good feeling, but then all was quiet and calm. I could understand things, the simple, obvious things I never did before. I could actually organize myself and go from point A to point B perfectly and without feeling overwhelmed by the silly little things that always overwhelmed me. I was not expecting a high at all, just that calm I have described. I couldnt figure out why when taking MDMA I felt so normal. I could think! Things made sense to me! I could do my laundry without any problems where as before it felt so overwhelming and I just didnt know where to start! When I told this to the psychiatrist she said that thats a sign of ADD, im calm on the MDMA while others are like I am without it hahaha I stopped taking it because its illegal and came with so many horrible side effects. It just wasnt worth it.

I guess I just need to wait. The psychiatrist wants to me start at 5mg then up to 10mg, then to Ritalin 10mg, then to longer acting like Concerta. But my question is, why cant I just jump to the stronger like Ritalin or Concerta? I guess I am new to taking medication, but not new to stimulant drugs. Maybe this low dose isnt having an effect because I have abused stimulants in the past? Maybe my body is already used to a higher dose of stimulant? Maybe there is a difference and I just dont notice?

I dont know! Anyone else have any thoughts or know?

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[Carrie]

I dont know if the word stumbling is because of the ADD, but yes thats exactly how I feel! Its as if your thoughts are running faster than your mouth and everything comes out a big mess, and your exactly right about losing train of thought. A lot of times I will be talking to someone and once I get going to fast and everything starts to get jumbled up I get frustrated with that and then forget where I was going with my conversation. I too get very frustrated and I would just kinda go “UUUUUUUGH!! I CANT DO THIS” and my husband thought I was mad at him but I had to explain to him whenever im mad its NEVER at him or the kids, I just get so frustrated and am mad in general and just storm off or come to my PC and engulf myself in video games to just forget about things but trouble is then I dont get anything done.

Today is day 2 for me. I took my dose about a half hour ago. We’ll see. Im just wondering if because of my past illicit drug use with stimulants such as MDMA (5months ago), which was a very high dosage, that maybe with this low dose of 5mg I get nothing from it. I dont mean a high at all, I mean the calm where I can think and everything makes sense and I can see what I need to do and how I can do it without feeling overwhelmed! I got that from the MDMA which confused me so much when all my friend were high as kites and all over the place, I was calm, cool relaxed and could organize myself. My husband LOVED that difference where I finally “clicked” into life. Of course I didnt like the terrible mood swings, depression, and all the other garbage that came with the drug thats why I stopped using it (plus its not healthy and illegal haha).

Once again, im happy to hear that its working good for you, and it will be interesting to see what things will be like when we have the right meds and doses eh?

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[Carrie]

Wow John! That is awesome! Today was my first day on medication too but I was given Dexedrine. I took it at 2pm today and now it has just worn off (and I have a throbbing head ache!!), but I was still able to read through your post FULLY and understood every bit of it!!

I didnt really notice when mine kicked in.. Work seems quieter than usual, and I seemed a little slower, calmer is a better word I guess. I wasnt all frantic all over the place as I always am. Sad thing is I had a routine and got my job done while being frantic and now that im calmer I am afraid Ive missed something. I too found I wasnt looking for words as much. I would pause and get the word where as before I would stumble and mumble and just get frustrated!

Im not too sure about this Dexedrine, and I know my head is hurting really bad right now, but its only day one! Maybe tomorrow will be better!

Great to hear your doing so awesome!!

Carrie

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[Carrie]

or others may know as Dexedrine!

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[Carrie]

Nellie – To your comment “the supposedly “normal” ones need to find a reason to explain why they behave as they do” this part I have a hard time grasping. All this time I have been struggling to get things right and be “normal” and couldnt figure why I was unable to, now I know why and can make changes. What baffles me is why the “normal” ones without ADD dont do the things we are trying to do when they can. Does that make sense? Ive had to rewrite this thing a million times to try and get it out right. ugh!!

The “normal” ones who are jerks, or lazy, or whatever bad things dont try to change when they have the willpower to do so, or can sit down see point A and B and the steps in between and understand but not do them! I can see point A and B but even with the steps in between laid out for me, I STILL dont get it!

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[Author]

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