[Geoduck]

Wow. Sounds like for you, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive. Have you talked to your wife about this? Maybe she would be a little less frustrated with you if she realized that they don’t go hand in hand for you. Maybe point out all the ways you are intimate with her outside of the bedroom.

Do you think she just isn’t realizing this about sex? That people don’t need to be intimate just in the bedroom, especially men? I know lots of gals that don’t quite get how people can be just all business in the bedroom, without intimacy. It’s one of those things. Like I said, for most of us ladies, it’s the pay-off. However, hubby tries very hard to be intimate in other ways, outside of the bedroom, and that counts for something, too.

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Dude. Allan. Awesome!!!

Actually, you brought up some very interesting things.

Talking: Hubby is not a talker during sex. Recently, I encouraged him to talk more, to keep me focused on him, and not on every other thing floating through my little brain. His talking does help. However, when he talks, he keeps it about what we are doing, not everything else. When I talk, my brain goes nutty, and I find myself talking about everything else. So I’ve shut-up, and he talks. I probably should talk more, but I’m really trying hard to concentrate on the moment, which makes me naturally quiet. Maybe I’m trying too hard, here?

Cheating: The cheating is interesting, too. Before hubby, I had a long term boyfriend. Really, he was just a 6’4″ wall to keep other guys away, in retrospect. I started dating him in 12th grade, and then broke up with him in my early 20’s. Well, I “cheated” on him, really. We didn’t have that great of a sex-life, because really, I wasn’t even into sex until about the year we broke up. I was just not ready to deal with guys on a non-friendship basis, I guess, which is why I stuck with him so long. Sex wasn’t a huge requirement with this guy.

However, once I got going, I got going. I wasn’t horribly promiscuous, but if a guy I was wasn’t willing to keep it interesting, I moved on, sometimes without letting them know I’ve moved on, first. Also, there were a couple of toads in that group, who weren’t great guys, in the first place. There was also all sorts of drama, of course, related to breaking up like this. I wonder if that fed the ADHD beast, too.

Hubby kept it interesting, in that he was a bit more reserved and somewhat inexperienced. This made him more unwilling to have sex very often, which probably, I saw as a challenge. “The thrill of the chase” being what it is. Also, it gave me a chance to know him as a person, and more intimately. The first guy was more of a buddy, where hubby had a real romantic thing going on, and I feel like he is more of a partner, in a sexual and personal sense.

He’s not boring, now, but I still feel my mind going everywhere else, especially lately. My ADHD has gotten worse over the past couple of years. Maybe that has something to do with it. Stress is a huge factor, right now. That doesn’t make it any easier.

@Carrie, yeah, I tried to turn up the “kink,” too, and found that was just making things worse. I’d get bored with one thing, then turn it up a notch, then get bored with that. At some point, I guess, I had to ask myself, where does this end? Plus, I found that the intimacy was getting tossed out the window, with some of that stuff. Now I try to keep it more flexible, instead of escalating, relaxing a bit about it, going back to some older moves, and concentrate on the intimacy first. Again, the talking helps here. However, there’s a limit. If he’s talking all the time, not so fun, anymore. LOL!

Anyhow, maybe getting out of routine can be about having a variety of choices. The routine is what’s a killer for me, too. If it’s routine, I get very disinterested. I think for us gals, too, because orgasm is not something that (normally) happens every single time, it’s not the focus. It’s like you said, a moment of pleasure. “Empty pleasure,” if there’s no intimacy attached with it. When I was 22, and that was all new to me, I could do that, but now, in middle age, that just not enough.

I <3 this website!

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Crap. I gotta do laundry. Sigh.

Hey, doing laundry before I run out of underwear is a goal, right?

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Woah. Robbo, long post. LOL!

I believe the female version is “Cowgirl up!” Which is weird, unless you go to Oklahoma State University, then it suddenly makes sense.

In general, I don’t find the term offensive, if used to mean, “Stop yer whinin’.” However, when “man up,” is used to tell someone that they have to put up with abuse, sorry, that’s just plain wrong, and that’s where it becomes offensive.

This boss has crossed the line between normal “hazing” type behaviors, and straight into abuse. Unfortunately, with jobs, people sometimes have to deal with this, because we need to pay rent (been there). However, this kid has his parents who are willing to stand by him. So, no, he doesn’t have to put up with it.

Look, it takes a lot for people like us not to put up with crap. We’ve been doing it all our lives. I’m not the only one here that spent a lot of time working on not being a doormat. Telling this kid he has to be one, especially in an abusive situation, just ain’t right. Helping him learn to set boundaries and learn what is normal and what is abuse will go a long way.

God, I’m talking like an Okie. Too many years in spent in Oklahoma. It’s infected my writing. Wow.

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Well, crap. That link doesn’t work. Can’t figure it out, either. Well, Google this (worth the extra effort):

“Adult ADHD: 50 Tips of Management” by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D. 1992

That’s the name of the pamphlet/article. Don’t know why the link doesn’t work.

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Oh, one thing she did was gave me a pamphlet that’s also on-line:

<http://www.addresources.org/?q=node/253&gt;

Long, but it is actually quite easy to read. Just looks long.

There’s a part about acknowledging that a certain percent of projects and relationships will fall through. Not sure why we hold ourselves to higher expectations than others do. Maybe because we have screwed up so much that we think everything is the ADHD, or whatever, and we don’t know what is that, and what is just real life sucking muchly? Make sense?

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Motivation to do therapy, get better, etc. Yup. I’ll be honest, I’m lacking. I’d say therapy is going well, but it’s not primarily for ADHD, and it’s sucking muchly. The ADHD part was easy. It’s the crap from childhood that is kicking my ass.

Seriously. I know I need to get better, but dealing with things from childhood make life lot worse, and I know I have to do that to get back to a point that I can maintain my sanity. But yeah, the motivation is just not there. Do you find that you are totally lacking in the motivation department, too?

Nothing makes sense. I’m having the worst episode with this garbage since college.

But glad I give the impression it’s working…I think…is that good or bad???

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

@Irish10-

Doesn’t everyone have a family history of alcohol abuse, though? I’ve met maybe two people, and their religions prohibited alcohol, that haven’t. Even them, I think nobody would have told them if they did. I mean people go a long way back, and that stuff has been around since apes first discovered rotten fruit. There’s even a group of monkeys in Africa that get drunk off the fallen fruit of a certain tree- I saw it on Nat. Geographic, once- they wouldn’t lie, right?

I do find it interesting though, that the places in the world that have the highest rates of ADHD, also have lots of alcoholism. Either fetal alcohol syndrome is being misdiagnosed as ADHD, which is possible, or these people could be self medicating, like you suggest. Oh, somebody should do a study.

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

COFFEE!!! and lots of profanity. Can’t do the former, because of it’s interaction with my meds, and because of migraines, although I sneak it in on rare occasion.

Can’t stop doing the latter. I can’t help it. Seriously, I think it gets my adrenaline going, so between that and the lack of filter, it’s a harder fight than even the coffee.

Although, dammit, I really do miss my java.

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

If you write a letter, maybe propose the changes as benefits to your strengths as a worker, and don’t mention the ADD unless they specifically ask. Then if they ask, you can at least get a feel for what they know. That way you sound more proactive about your work environment, and less needy in regards to your possibly perceived disability.

I say “possibly perceived,” because really, if this gal lies, they may know nothing, or if they do, they may not believe her. Everybody has blips in their performance. If it’s a real problem, they’d have come straight to you. Don’t sweat it, for now. Plus, again, she could be lying about the whole thing.

I’ve worked with people like that before. She is not happy where she’s at. She’s crashing and burning, because she’s been trying to get out, and throwing everyone under the bus to do it. Good bosses, heck even the crappy bosses I had, know when this is going on. It shouldn’t be too long before she does something that gets her in a position where she has to quit or be fired. Just don’t get caught up in it with her. Let this be about her, right now, not you, and not your ADD.

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Wow. I thought that was being a military brat. You know, though, I guess this could be one for ADHD, too. Well, the first half.

The second half is what made me start taking my ADHD seriously. I’d get nervous with people, find I’m talking their ear off, in order to make conversation, then totally say something rude and inappropriate, because when my mouth is going, the filter, which isn’t there in the first place, isn’t working at all. I need a warning label on my forehead.

However, there’s a reason facebook is popular. In today’s world, it’s much easier to sit and chat with long lost friends, than it is to pen a letter, find the envelope, stick a stamp on it, and mail something…

which reminds me, I think there are about 3 things I need to mail off…crud!

Anyway, yeah, some of that is ADHD, some of it is just the ease of social interactions in cyberspace. You don’t have to be ADHD to appreciate that.

I find that as long as I haven’t done something with someone that I need to apologize for, I can pick up where I left off with them. In some cases, I’m closer to my friends than I was in real life. Weird how that works. Age helps, too, I suppose.

However, if there is something left unstated between you and your long lost friend, if it’s worth bringing up (because there is a lot of little stuff better to let go than to bring up), that’s when it’s a problem. Otherwise, go with the flow.

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Toofat does have some points. I like ashockley55’s better.

I worked for women who would blow up like this. They were trying to get ahead in corporate America by acting like the guys. Guess what, they never got ahead. So accepting this sort of crap does not mean anyone’s situation improves at all. Amen, Sister!!!

Who cares about being “marked,” Toofat? The kid is like 2 seconds from being fired, here. He’s already “marked,” and that’s without saying much at all about his condition. Sounds to me like his boss is also “marked,” because of his insensitivity, and also because of calling out workers in front of customers. Really bad move on the boss’s part. That gives this kid just a teensy bit of power, here, which I say he should exploit. The other two bosses sounded like they were on his side, after he “came out.” Work that angle, kid. Feel these other guys out, carefully (because again, Toofat has some points, there), and see how much support you can get.

But yes, Toofat is right, the working world really, really does suck, and you do have a certain amount of lump-taking to do, no matter what your gender or occupation, but particularly in the trades.

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Chester05…you know, maybe it doesn’t exist in the working world. I guess I just assumed that. The blind gal I worked with mentioned it. But she was just out of HS, so maybe she was referring to that. I do know there has to be some sort of documentation, and just assumed she knew what she was talking about.

Seriously, guys, double check everything I say! LOL!!!

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Oh, and totally agree with shutterbug. That would be cool if all the symptoms weren’t ADHD at all, and just low testosterone, or whatever. Seriously, keep us posted!

REPORT ABUSE

[Geoduck]

Well, if it’s low testosterone, then that may account for your depression, as well, I’d think.

Have you also had your thyroid checked? I don’t know about men, but that can do a lot to women. As for men, though, I was told about a guy this week, who had erection problems because of his thyroid. So I guess thyroid affecting all sorts of things in men, like it does in women, might make sense.

As for hormones, I know that during menstruation, and especially during pregnancy, my ADHD changes. Somebody else said their ADHD got worse during menopause. Great. Something else to look forward to. It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch to think it might change for men at different times, depending on hormone levels, including testosterone and estrogen (men have that, too).

Stress really has an effect on my ADHD, more than any other factor. If I’m under a lot of stress, it gets drastically worse, to the point of unmanageable, even with meds.

Also, don’t expect too much from your meds. I know I’ve said it a lot here, but for me, my meds just clear the fog. They don’t automatically make me more productive, or able to focus on every little thing. Even normal people don’t have the ability to focus on every single little thing that comes across their path. So don’t think meds will fix everything. They are great for a little boost, but aren’t a miracle, by any means.

You know, I really am interested in what you hear about this. Post an update, when you’ve checked it all out, will ya?

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts