[g.laiya]

petuniasmom, the others have had some good food for thought. i would like to add that perhaps it doesn’t have to be so black and white, but perhaps setting some firm ground rules would be good? for example, maybe your youngest can live with you while he’s unemployed or under-earning but he has to be responsible for cleaning after himself and have some assigned chores to contribute to household like caring for yard, helping with laundry…whatever works. i would suggest a written contract of responsibilities.

also, are you sure he’s actually taking the meds? is it possible he’s using the money he gets for meds for other living expenses? or worse, selling them to make extra money?

another thing to consider, maybe he is not yet on the right meds? has he tried counseling or life coach? what about checking resources for carreer/school counseling that are free and hopefully he can find a job better suited to him that he will enjoy – or at least tolerate – that can be a starting point.

also, perhaps he has not “earned” a right to have a car? maybe having to give up his car(storing at your place til he can afford insurance and gas money) and use public transport and/or bicycle would help to light a fire under his butt? i know a lot of us won’t do things without that fire….

also maybe he would qualify for medicare/medical or other government assistance for health care?

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[g.laiya]

oh, and i also tend to do the leaving all the ingredients spread out in the kitchen thing too. i used to think my husband was just giving me a hard time…..but i’m going to make more effort to put things back right away. like i just did after reading this post

and, truth be told, i have forgotten to put things back sometimes for so long that ended up having to dump them, and i really don’t like to let food go to waste…bad for the wallet and bad for the world.

so thank you nellie for that reality check.

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[g.laiya]

oh – forgot – wanted to add my 2 cents re the purse.

while i agree it’s much easier to find things in a small purse, for me that is only practical for those rare times i’m dressed up for an adult evening out.

i’m a (sometimes) working mom with 2 small kids….and forgetful…..soooooo

i go with a big bag on a daily basis – like a backpack or other similar bag.

a few years ago because too often i would forget to bring a diaper bag with me,and not realize til it was too late…. and be stuck in a very bad, very messy situation, i decided to combine work bag with diaper bag and purse – everything but the kitchen sink in it. yes it was heavy and cumbersome, but i almost always had everything i needed with me, and had less “multiple exits” leaving home when i was using that work/diaper/purse bag.

a few months ago i had it with me for a field trip with my son’s school(with a few extras like extra change of clothes for ds in case of accident, and snacks and drinks in case he didn’t like his lunch) but wound up being so miserable because it’s a whole different experience just wearing it in and out of work or other places than it is wearing it for hours walking around a museum! so the next field trip i packed up a backpack with only things necessary for me and my boy for that trip and it worked better – a lot better. but then i started using that instead for everyday….and i always seem to be missing something. so think i’m gonna have to go back to the multipurpose bag again – just need to clean it out, you can imagine how much unneccesary stuff i’ve accumulated over the last few years.

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[g.laiya]

i’m just in process of being dx – from what i can tell i’m primarily inattentive type, though i have some of the figeting and impulsive aspects too. and have some other issues added in just for fun

i have the leaving home issues too – kids often are waiting for me in the elevator as i go back and forth(they learned early on how to use the emergency button so the elevator won’t leave without me). what kills me though is when i don’t remember to bring something important until after i have them both strapped into their carseats….and i’m already running late…………aaaarrrrrrrgh!

nellie, i don’t generally leave the cupboards open, but i’m pretty sure that is an add thing. years ago i worked with an md who, in retrospect, is almost certainly add inattentive type.we got on well – and he cut me a lot of slack i remember his girlfriend telling me about how he always leaves the cupboards open at home. i don’t remember if she told me he has add, but with what i know now, it’s pretty clear.

the laundry on the floor thing, i’m generally pretty good about(one of the few things i am good about)…..but the kids tend to just drop as they take off, and towels and clothes will just stay there until i remind them. honestly i don’t know though if that is just normal stuff for their ages (4 yo and 8 yo) or if there are other issues at play. i do find it odd(and a little frustrating) that my husband will hang his dirty undies on the bathroom door or leave them on the sink or floor when there is a dirty laundry bin right there in the bathroom. i can’t really complain about that though since he is very neat and clean about virtually everything else…….and i am bad about almost everything else……

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[g.laiya]

i’ve never been on concerta, or any other prescribed stimulant, but i do know that when i have a particularly large amount of stress in a given period of time (which sounds like you very much do), then every other “little” thing that goes wrong makes me feel far more irritated/frustrated/angry than i would normally.

so, i guess you do need to consider the medication, and should mention it to your dr, but it could also be just too much going on/overload…..or maybe even a combination?

hope it all gets better for you soon! (((hugs)))

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[g.laiya]

thank you, everyone, so much for your responses, for sharing your pain, your experiences, your sympathy and empathy, your nuggets of wisdom and counsel. i have read them over and over as i have been processing this.

i’m doing a little better now…a little calmer, beating myself up a little less, i guess sort of tucked it away, a bit, because i can’t let myself drown in it….not quite a “get out of jail free card”, but survival.

and, i guess it was the proverbial straw…. it made it really hit that i just don’t want to continue the way i have my whole life.it’s not just personality quirks, these are real problems…i need help, i want help. i do. i finally spoke to my ptp to get a psych referral…ironically found i didn’t need to speak with him to get the referral….i also contacted a lifecoach who had been recommended to me.

thursday i met with the lifecoach, very nice guy, sounds like could be helpful….just not sure how i’m gonna get through the initial paperwork – yikes!there’s a lot….

today i met with the psych. i guess it was an ok start.gave him some of my history/background. he said although he needs to do more evaluation before giving me a dx, that i do seem to fit the criteria for add, and he did also mention that the depression and anxiety i experience can come from that too, as well as the difficulties with sleep, with work, with relationships, with overeating, and on and on…

he said that he wants to deal with a number of issues with me, and that if it is determined that i do have add that he knows some good psychiatrists he can refer me to for meds.

my brother has also been telling me about a group called “underearners anonymous” which i guess tries to help you discover your roadblocks to success and find ways to remove them, that sounds like it could be beneficial. he said they even have a special group or meeting within it that deals with “clutter”, so think it’s worth it to at least check it out.

now i’m wondering if maybe i should just make a separate appointment with a psychiatrist right away. i mean he/she is going to want t do their own eval anyway even if a psychologist has dx me with add – or anything else – right? or no? i’m just not sure the benefit of waiting for the one to come to a conclusion when the other will also have to make a separate conclusion. should i call him and ask for a referral right away? or ?

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[g.laiya]

lots of great food for thought…sounds like (among other things) i need to pick up a few books

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[g.laiya]

thank you nellie for starting this – this has been something on my mind for quite a while…except my kids are younger, and son is asd(dx) and i suspect also add….so some different issues, but a common thread

i know for me fear of my mother is what kept me “motivated” when i was in grade school.

unfortunately most of my memories of my mom from when i was growing up are of her yelling and/or criticizing me.

to this day we have a strained relationship.

i never wanted to be that kind of mother… always thought i would be different as a parent.

and yet, i find myself yelling…a lot- during the school year especially…sometimes i feel like a monster – like someone else possesses my body i get so angry and frustrated and feel out of control it escalates so quickly.

i ususally end up apologizing for yelling, explaining why i got so mad/frustrated…hoping we all do better next time…..

other times i’m “the coolest mom”. the kids and i are pretty goofy, we enjoy hanging out together(most of the time), and i make sure they know i love them and how wonderful they are in their own unique ways.

i also am seeking a way to better handle myself , having not only add issues myself(not diagnosed yet, but i can’t imagine i’m not since finding this site), but also dealing with an (almost) 8 year old son who has asd and i suspect add, along with a 4 yo daughter “normy?” who is so very different from me and my son – actually, in many ways she is harder for me to handle than my “special needs” son….but that’s a whole other story.

does medication help with the feelings of impatience/frustration/anger outbursts? or does it just help with focus/attention/procrastination/overwhelm…? not that help with just those things only wouldn’t be wonderful…just curious…

red squirrel, one thing i’ve found that helps with the homework issues is making sure to do it early enough in the evening – the later it gets the harder it is for him to stay focused and think clearly. but don’t know if that’s going to help with anyone else.and it’s not always practical even for us, depending on my work schedule, since i’m pretty much the only one around who understands his homework and how to help him with it.it also helps if we break up what’s most challenging for him into smaller parts. for example, he hates/has difficulty with writing out vocabulary definitions, so when we can we’ll do say 2 or 3 of them monday,tuesday,wednesday,thursday to turn in friday rather than doing all of them on wednesday when assigned – but of course the teacher has to be on board with that too…..and i’m not often able to do the ideal due to us both procrastinating…..ugh

as a young adult i found motivation when i came out of a relationship….let’s just say he really did a number on me…and i never wanted to be so dependent on a man again. i decided to persue a career that i thought would be a ticket to financial freedom with an educational program i could stick with. i did graduate and get my dc, but, many years later, financial independence continues to elude me…..but working on that

nellie, is it possible your son has a co-morb of oppositional/defiance disorder? or is it just teenage stuff combined with add?anyway,

one of my close friends has a daughter very much like me(and ironically my daughter is very much like her – we’re like yin and yang)…it’s a running joke with her that we don’t know how it happened that we gave birth to eachothers daughters. anyway, i remind her from time to time that she, her daughter, is not her….what she,my friend, was like/doing/capable of at a given age is different for her daughter…some people take more time to find their niche/find their motivation in life….and yelling all the time is only causing damage to her and to their relationship, not helping her daughter do what she needs to do. so, let sleeping kids lie? well, perhaps sometimes we need to step back, take a break from the usual, maybe time to get a different perspective….. but, make sure you’ve investigated and dealt with underlying issues such as add and make sure he has whatever supports in place that he needs meds/counseling/therapy/tutors/career counselor? if he’s finished with high school but not really getting into college, maybe he could take a year or so to just work? or work pt/school pt? it is so hard to stick with something without a concrete goal/ genuine interest. but with the proper support in place…..well, i find i’m rambling and hope what i’ve written doesn’t offend…..

ttfn:)

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[g.laiya]

don’t really have anything to add in the way of advice except remember all you accomplished before you went on meds, and also remember people tend to cut you more slack when you are preggie. soooooo, relax and enjoy! congrats to you and your family!

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[g.laiya]

larynxa you are absolutely right that “natural” does not equal “safe”.however, homeopathic meds are quite unique in that it is virtually impossible to overdose on them, they are generally safe to use with other medications and other supplements, and free of unpleasant side effects that are all too common with prescription medications and even high doses of herbal medicines and vitamin and mineral supplements. i’ve personally used a few diifferent homeopathic remedies with good effect (phytofed nasal decongestant, formula 303, and migra spray)….but i’m far from an expert on them.

i’m thinking though that what you may have been getting at is that they are not the “best available” treatment/suitable alternative treatmen for adhd….which, again, you are likely correct. i too do not want to waste money/time/ hopes on something worthless. which is why i was hoping to get some feedback from *real* members here who have tried it or know someone who has.

i’m not going off any add meds to try alternatives as i’m not on any yet. still haven’t worked up the courage to go to my pcp to get the psych referral, but will be seeing him next week for some other issues so maybe will address it then.

gotta run again – ttfn!

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[g.laiya]

i grew up with a mother who was constantly cleaning even though we had a live-in housekeeper. i always felt like mom was vacuuming in the morning just to annoy me . she knew i hated the sound of the vacuum cleaner – as a child i complained it hurt my ears, but as an adult i realize the sound just really grates on my nerves- and i like to sleep late in the morning. they are early birds, i am a nightowl. my parents were not only on time to all appointments/events, they were often early! ….which did not go well with my almost always late, last minute, procrastinating, losing track of time issues.i remember a lot of yelling growing up……a lot of tension….but fear of mom kept me on my toes for school. knew anything below a “b” was unacceptable, as was not enough “a”s. so even if it meant hiding in my closet finishing my work at 2,3,4 in the morning…the price i paid for procrastination….

not that it was all bad – they also were supportive for most interests i wanted to explore.i did a lot when i was young – dance classes, gymnastics, horseback riding, ice skating, snow and water skiing, scuba diving, tennis, acting classes, modeling classes….she also pushed me to be involved socially, which i largely resented when i was growing up (and even now), but i guess it kept me from being a total loner, and so maintained some semblance of normality.

my dad was in drycleaning biz so back then everything was well pressed – even sweats!

i don’t think i’ve owned an iron since college…it didn’t get much use then either. now most of my stuff i launder or hand wash. if you take stuff out of the dryer and hang the important-to-look-neat stuff right away they are usually fine – as long as you don’t overload the dryer. the other stuff like jeans and tshirts i’ll just hang up before i need them so i can shpritz them with a water bottle – ususally makes them presentable…..though if i wait too long to do it i leave still “damp”. we used to use a hand held steamer til it stopped working. for work the last few years i almost always wear scrubs, even though it’s not required in my current positions – it’s just so much easier to look presentable! and they’re usually pretty comfortable and very functional.

i’ve had a much better time with my keys since i put up a key hook by the front door. and i try to repeat a mantra as i’m getting ready to go out of the important things to bring with me such as “keys, phone,purse,water”- whatever is important that time. sometimes i’ll post reminders on the bathroom mirror and front door “remember sunscreen and lunches”. when i’m really worried about remembering to bring things i’ll put whatever i can in the car or in front of the front door the night before, and post sticky notes for the rest.

i also try to have good protein every meal, though i don’t eat at regular times.if i’m working early though i almost always get in a solid breakfast- otherwise i’ll wind up miserable and cranky from hunger cause i may not get another chance to eat until 2 or 3:00 – sometimes later. sometimes i’ll bring protein bars that i can quickly sneak in. mostly i get by with my beverages though until i pick up the kids after work. i do try to keep plenty of healthy snacks around for all of us. it’s diificult in our home – i’m a lacto-ova vegetarian, my dd doesn’t like most dairy but does love fresh fruit and vegetables(which is great!) and is generally more open to trying new things, but ds is super super picky, does not like a wide variety of foods, often not willing to try new things, very sensitive to different textures and smells as well as taste and visual factors.

i enjoyed other dr sears books – will have to look for the add one.

i’m still trying to figure out what calender system will work best – i’m trying out 1 on my phone, but think need 1 at home to integrate with husbands…..hmmm, maybe a google one would be best….

gotta run-the natives are restless….

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[g.laiya]

scatty the wii is a great idea – we actually got wii and accessories handed down to us when my parents downsized into an assisted living facility…..but before had a chance to set it up and try it (admittedly because i procrastinated) they needed the wii back to use to get access to netflix. we still have the accessories so guess i can just get a new wii…depending on how much it is. it would be good fun for me and the kids to do together. son is almost 8 yo and daughter is 4 1/2 yo- i think it would be ok

and the reality is i don’t have money for one of the larger cardio machines, and it would be challenging finding space for it too. will have to look into that.

i might consider getting one of those pill organizers with built in alarms too….

ttfn!

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[g.laiya]

touche kc

yes that would be great trashman – may be we need to make another humble request to the webmaster?

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[g.laiya]

anxiety is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

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[g.laiya]

astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comfoting thought for those of us who can’t remember where they leave things

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