[g.laiya]

gosh,where to begin, first, take a deep breath, and know, though it’s hard to imagine now, things will get better

. i have had,and continue to have, many difficulties throughout most of my life. if i had to pay for ’emotional baggage” i’d never be able to fly. and yet, considering the purely emotional aspect, freshman year (at the first college i went to following high school graduation) was one of the very lowest points of my life. many things contributed, but i’d have to say having undiagnosed add, along with progressing depression and anxiety, the structure(and intimidation/fear) of home/mother/grade school removed, and lack of connection with anybody who seemed to care and/or understand or relate to me…..heck, i couldn’t even understand myself! – – and fear of seeking help because i really thought if i opened up completely about how i felt and thought i would be immediately committed to a psych ward …..yes, my mind was in very low, dark, scary place.

when i came home after the first semester i told my parents i was very unhappy, and wanted to take a semester off to figure some things out. they insisted i return. it was a mistake. i really needed help. to this day, they don’t know how bad it was for me, what a mistake it was to insist i go back. the next semester was even worse, engaging more and more in suicidal ideology, coming very close to doing it one afternoon when i out i found failed one of my midterms. in retrospect, there are so many things i would have liked to have done differently. i think at that point it would indeed have been a good time to take one or 2 semesters off, gotten some intense therapy, probably medications, perhaps take a class or 2 just for fun/interest while working part-time. taking some time to evaluate what i really want from life, what i want to persue. really, it wouldn;t have killed me to take some time off from the traditional uni track, and it almost did kill me trying to force this round peg into the square holes. thanks to finally bonding with a few other students, by the end of my second year, i survived. by my third year, i actually began thriving, to an extent, due to switching from a focus on liberal arts to one of music and theatre arts. although later i again changed my focus of studies,as well as changing schools many times, i finally was able to complete -and even at times enjoy- a course of study in grad school.

sorry i’ve rambled a bit ….the point is,i guess, that i think freshman year in college is very difficult for many people, but likely particularly so for those with ad/hd, medicated or not…..but it will get better, it really will :}

maybe it would help to take a semester off, or switch to parttime. definitely talk to your psych about what’s going on.likely you need a different dosage or maybe completely different add med, perhaps other med/s as well, and like kc also mentioned, perhaps look into what resources/accomodations are available for you at your college.

keep in touch and let us know how things are going, ok?

(((big hug)))

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[g.laiya]

agreed – it’s a pretty scary idea.

one thing i’ve done on a few occasions(really need to do it a lot more though) is having an “accountability partner” – a friend, a coach, a relative, someone on this site or another – whatever works, and you set a day/time at which time you will have accomplished your task. also it is suggested to “bookend it”. in other words, communicate with your partner before and after the event.

for example, i want to find another job. i needed to update my cv and send it out to prospective employers. i agreed to a time that i’d have my cv updated, and when it was done sent an email with a copy of it to my partner/coach. then, there is a particular person i was thinking could be a good potential source of referrals. i need to make a committment when i am going to call to make an appointment for an interview/presentation. let my partner know i’ve made the appointment. and then “bookend” the interview by communicating before the event(make sure my heads in the right place), and follow up with communication after. how didi it go / what did i learn from the experience/what’s the next step.

even when i get side tracked(which i often do) it still helps to have an accountability partner as an aide to keep moving in the right direction, to manage the overwhelm that many of us suffer from, to limit (though perhaps not completely eliminate) the procrastiation….

it’s been a while since i’ve been in touch with my coach/partner….it’s kind of been one thing after another…..but i know i felt generally more positive and productive and on track when i was meeting once a week, and when i was feeling stuck, he helps me to find a way to go forward.

well, gotta run – ttfn!

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[g.laiya]

what part of so cal are you in? i know psychs in sfv and a lifecoach in hollywood, but if those are too far, if you give me the area you’re in i can ask around to try to help you find someone closer to you.

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[g.laiya]

i recently put together a notebook with a “filler” of daily scheduler sheets, a pocket folder for smaller important items/documents to keep handy/easy to find, as well as blank sheets where i can jot down ideas/thoughts/need to do/need to buy/need to investigate,etc.

i’ve been making use of the multiple alarms on my phone(though i ran out already, so need to re-work those and/or get another alarm system) and also using the calendar with reminders on the phone.

i’m going to write my daily affirmations in the beginning of the notebook so every time i open it it i’ll be reminded of the kind of person i want to be – the best “me” i can be. i was diagnosed relatively recently (in july, at almost 48 yo). it’s been quite a trip since the initial “ahaa!” moment, and starting treatment. i guess i’m now coming to terms with that, although meds have made a huge impact, i still will probably always need to use these crutches/ aides, i’ll still struggle more with some things than a “typical”/non-add person would…..and it’s ok.

last few weeks were especially horrible for me, i mean one thing after another, on and on.. on top of loads of external stressors, i kept making mistakes, forgetting to do things, feeling stuck in quicksand – so, yes, i’m familiar with the feeling. won’t go into details now, but major overwhelm/stress/depression/frustration, felt like meds were not helping (other than keeping me awake)….felt like i was imploding…not a good place at all.

anyway, a friend had the kids come over to play for a few hours – think she sensed i needed a break. and i was able to make a dent in the “chaos” at home, which then led to working out things i needed to do to make the extended chaos of my life more managable, less stressful, more peaceful. part of this is the work i’ve been doing with my life coach. though he’s not an “add coach”, he’s still very wise, positive, knowledable, and helps me to find ways to work through the madness and helps keep me on track.

one of the things we’ve been discussing/working through is the “victim” mentality. i’ve suffered my whole life with this too – but it’s not the way i want to continue…and i’m working on it. sounds like this is something you need to do as well. it’s not something that can change overnight, but you can choose to take positive steps, even baby steps… see the world through a new lens, a different pair of glasses.

i’m going to list some of the questions/suggestions he posed to me. maybe this will be a good place to start, i hope

how do i self-sabotage?

what are my needs?

how am i meeting my needs?

write affirmations, and post them where you will read them regularly

how do i rob my affirmations of their power? imagining life as a vessel, what needs to be dredged out to make room for a a vessel full of glorious, wonderful affirmations? choose something to give up(one of the negative things that is taking up room in your vessel) and develope a structure that allows you to give it up.

what actions or behaviors if practiced habitually would reflect a new way of holding myself: i am valuable/add value;i have choices;i am capable and deserving; nurture positive view of self

well, some food for thought.

big hug!

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[g.laiya]

i think estrogen plays a big role in women generally having better sense of smell compared to men. i have a pretty good sense of smell, as long as the passages are clear. sometimes i smell things others don’t, and often times more bothered by offensive smells, or even a pleasant smell if too intense can be irritating or nauseating to me. my kids also are sensitive that way, especially my daughter. and i have also experienced the occasional olfactory hallucination.

also my sense of hearing is inconsistent …strange. sometimes i have difficulties hearing speech, which makes me wonder if i have a true hearing impairment and/or eustachian tube dysfunction leading to diminished hearing, and/ or if it’s just when there’s too much else going on my brain can’t focus enough to single out the speech i’m trying to hear…..can be pretty frustrating. and on the other hand, i’m uber sensitive/ easily and strongly irritated by certain sounds, and especially too loud sounds. the way the stations pump up the volume during commercials really pisses me off…or whenever people have the tv volume just way too high…..so many others……

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[g.laiya]

and tiddler maybe we can start a support sub-group for those with “oswfim” sydrome 😉

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[g.laiya]

i was thinking the same thing.

what you’re describing sounds similar to “—-anonymous” support groups. actually, my brother told me about one – underearners anonymous – that sounds like it probably has many adders in it -sounded like some considerable crossover in symptoms and tools.was planning on going to one last week but forgot to arrange earlier childcare until it was almost time to leave(and too late)…….anyway, hopefully i’ll get to one in the next week and i’ll let you know. “hi i’m g.laiya and i’m an adder – opps – i mean an under-earner”….well, both…. 🙄

yeah, it would be nice to have something specific for ad/hd too.

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[g.laiya]

hehe yes, good point trashman, and thank you for your responses, too, ipso, kc, and tiddler.

yes,it was the pg posts i was referring to re upsetting me yesterday, but didn’t feel bullied by you,tiddler . actually it was your post that made me realize- oh sh..! i forgot to put in the “on the other hand…..” that was in my head but somehow didn’t make it into my post. i felt awful that i came across as being perhaps judgemental, narrow minded, and/or oblivious to alternate views/needs. i got off on the tangent of things to do to help while off med, but never got back to if she really felt it wasn’t an option to continue off meds.

anyway, it was after i posted my response to you that i saw the other poster’s responses (i guess she was writing her posts about the same time i was)….and it was just all too much…..the cherry on top of the sunday.

but a lesson to me as well to perhaps avoid posting when i’m feeling especially scattered or rushed, especially on something that’s an emotionally charged topic.

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[g.laiya]

gosh, i had often wondered what happened to no-dop. now i have a clue. sad indeed.

i also have been put off sometimes by some negative and/or aggressive posts. have had some reponses to posts that felt like bullying, though wouldn’t go so far as to think they were intended to be bullying. then again, i am sometimes….ok, most of the time….perhaps a bit overly sensitive. mostly the members here seem genuinely concerned, caring, supportive of eachother….and then other times i question whether i should continue on here.

just today, after i responded to someone’s post, offering my opinion/suggestions, another member jumped down my throat in a big way. the funny thing(funny ironic) is while i was writing the post, in my head i was wanting to discuss the “on the other hand,……yadayada”……but got distracted before i sent it, not acknowledging the other perspective/possibilities. and it seems more than one took it the wrong way. i felt badly that i had upset/offended anyone……it also felt really upsetting to be at the receiving end of such harsh words.

makes me think, well, maybe i should not attempt to respond to posts? maybe i should just lurk and get what i can from what’s out there?

it makes me sad. when i first found this site it was a sort of a haven, a place i could go and feel understood, a place to share experience and support, to connect with on-line friends who “get it”.

really, i wanted to “give back”. but sometimes it doesn’t feel welcome.

and trashman, that was just unacceptable for someone to write that to you. people (some more than others) don’t always think about the impact of their words. it was probably someone thinking he was being funny, in a snarky way. that reminds me of something a friend shared with me , which is off topic but….here goes

As our fate is about to be sealed in the Book of Life, it is my wish that, in the year ahead, we continue to speak out against evil, live harmoniously with our families, friends, neighbors and community and be kind to one another…regardless of our differences and opinions.

Our actions and words can hurt and damage others and ourselves, often in ways that are difficult to repair. In this spirit, I ask forgiveness for my actions in the year that has passed that may have caused you pain. As I often share my thoughts and opinions, it is not my intent to create conflict…only to be the protagonist of thought and dialogue.

I pray for reason among leaders, love of family and friends, healing for the sick, peace of mind for the troubled,

For those who fast, I wish for you an easy fast, a meaningful Yom Kippur and a peaceful year ahead for all.

To all, I add, wishes for a good year, a year of joy, peace, good health, and prosperity.

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[g.laiya]

good point tiddler.

i feel pretty low functioning in many ways even with med, in part because i haven’t begun to implement even half the tools i need to yet. just the same, i got through 48 years and multiple pregnancies(though only 2 full term) without wandering out in front of a car, or otherwise killing or maiming myself or others – tg! but, yes, i understand your point…there is a lot to consider besides just the way in which a medication may or may not influence the risk of miscarriage or the development and health of the fetus.

it’s a personal decision that has to be weighed by the individual whether or not to medicate while ttc/pg, benefits vs risks and such.

personally, even with the enormous benefits of the meds i have seen, i would choose to skip the adderral if i were wanting (and able) to ttc. that’s simply my opinion, sharing my perspective.

i apologize – i should have made that more of a point when i posted above.

no judgement nor offense was intended for anyone who chooses to continue add meds while ttc(or any other meds should it be determined that benefits outweigh risks)

btw, also, i did do extensive research on any herbs/supplements as well as meds i was considering taking during pg and also breastfeeding, information largely dependent on gathering evidence of safety rather than clinical trials, so i am familiar with this concept.

perhaps dr. j has more info about the current status re evidence of safety for adderral in pg?

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[g.laiya]

(FDA regarding Adderral)

Pregnancy

Teratogenic Effects

Pregnancy Category C

Amphetamine, in the enantiomer ratio present in Adderall® (d- to l- ratio of 3:1), had no apparent effects on embryofetal morphological development or survival when orally administered to pregnant rats and rabbits throughout the period of organogenesis at doses of up to 6 and 16 mg/kg/day, respectively. These doses are approximately 1.5 and 8 times, respectively, the maximum recommended human dose of 30 mg/day [child] on a mg/m2 body surface area basis. Fetal malformations and death have been reported in mice following parenteral administration of d-amphetamine doses of 50 mg/kg/day (approximately 6 times that of a human dose of 30 mg/day [child] on a mg/m2 basis) or greater to pregnant animals. Administration of these doses was also associated with severe maternal toxicity.

A number of studies in rodents indicate that prenatal or early postnatal exposure to amphetamine (d- or d,l-), at doses similar to those used clinically, can result in long-term neurochemical and behavioral alterations. Reported behavioral effects include learning and memory deficits, altered locomotor activity, and changes in sexual function.

There are no adequate and well-controlled studies in pregnant women. There has been one report of severe congenital bony deformity, tracheo-esophageal fistula, and anal atresia (vater association) in a baby born to a woman who took dextroamphetamine sulfate with lovastatin during the first trimester of pregnancy. Amphetamines should be used during pregnancy only if the potential benefit justifies the potential risk to the fetus.

Nonteratogenic Effects

Infants born to mothers dependent on amphetamines have an increased risk of premature delivery and low birth weight. Also, these infants may experience symptoms of withdrawal as demonstrated by dysphoria, including agitation, and significant lassitude.

“There are no adequate and well-controlled studies in pregnant women” is key here. personally, i would not want to take any chances with my precious cargo. make sure you have plenty of support and structure in place to help compensate. and try not to beat yourself up over your difficulties. if you don’t already work with a psychologist, this would be a great time to start. also a coach can be really great to help keep you on track. make use of all the tools ( we should do anyway, but sometimes don’t, right?)

i sympathize with you, and am so sorry for your losses. i experienced mmc between my son and daughter. also was blamed on ama.

randine lewis has a great book chock full of suggestions for getting your body ready for a healthy, full term baby from an alternative med perspective. which you can use in conjunction with your fertility specialist recommendations – just be sure to let her know any herbs/supplements you may start if she wants to start you on fertility meds. there is research that supports the use of acupuncture as well to help optimize the body for pregnancy – one i remember had to do with increasing the uterine lining thickness before implantation.

perhaps being off the med for a period of time before TTC will avoid the shock the pp referred to. i would think over a few months you’ll adjust to the altered chemistry. try to simplify and steamline as much as possible. get hubby on board with supporting you however you need it. and remember this is temporary. you always have the option to go back to meds after baby is born

good luck! big hug!

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[g.laiya]

i’ve been on meds for idk 2 months or so now, also adderall. for the most part, i’m more or less on the right dose/med, i think, though still working out the timing a bit.

from the first day that i took the adjusted dose in the morning,and for the first month or so thereafter it was a trip. for the first time in my life(diagnosed at almost 48 yo) i felt awake, alert and clearheaded in the morning, and my “default setting” through the day was no longer to take a nap. while really thrilled with the change, it took a while to really wrap my head around the change….just felt so strange to be functioning(or at least have the potential to function) in a somewhat normal way. the strangeness has worn off now as i’ve gotten used to this being my new normal, but i’ve also slipped back into some not so good habits, but i think very much stress related.

i’ve also been pretty emotional(more than usual), though this began before i started the meds, back in may(?) when i first realized that i more than likely had add, and the spectrum ranging from relief of the “aha!” moment….this sure explains a lot kind of things, to the gosh i sure wish i had this info and tools and support much earlier in life along with anger and regrets….

and since starting meds, the reality of all i have to deal with…my current situation in the broadest sense,.all the mistakes i need to correct, changes i need to make….has become much more clear, somehow more real(if that makes sense)…..and makes me feel very sad and overwhelmed. thankfully not all the time, but i do get weepy from time to time. and on top of it all, feeling a lot of shame for having this “leg up” to help me, but still haven’t made any radical changes in the way i do things. disappointed that i still need alarms to remember many things, still lose track of time, still procrastinate, still stay up way too late sometimes doing fun but not important/productive stuff, house and car still a mess…..improvements here and there, but overall disappointed in myself….

on a more positive note though, most of the time (at least while med is active) i have much better emotional regulation. i have taken steps to create a better life including working with a coach and sending my cv to places that seem to be possibilities as a good fit for work. i’m planning to return to school in january(will have to do school in the morning and work in the evenings, which will be challenging but i think i can manage). have another work avenue somewhat on the backburner until i have an idea of what locations i will likely be working from. i finally got an organizer for myself that includes a daily scheduler as well as a section for writing notes/ideas/things to get back to at a more appropriate time,etc.

so that’s pretty much where i’m at these days….ups and downs….pressing forward, but not as much as i would have liked by now.

grateful to have this site and all the great people here to help me feel i’m not alone in this.

as far as advice, i’d say just play around with the timing/dosage of med (with yours dr’s consent and knowledge) to see what works best for you. and i think a good coach can also be really helpful, in many ways.

gotta go – ttfn!

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[g.laiya]

hi mark! glad you found this place!

“how is it i determine doing nothing is an acceptable thing?how is it that when the weight of the world is on me, i do nothing…….”

well, i don’t think we actually determine “doing nothing is an acceptable thing” – we just do it (do nothing, or do the wrong thing)…and then feel horrible about it….

i can relate all too well, except it took me til almost 48 yo to get the diagnosis and start to figure things out….still working on it. meds are helping a lot with some things, but still have, it seems, a long and difficult road ahead – definitely a work in progress.

but, i can say that at least there has been some progress, even if only baby steps sometimes. and i finally feel like i am moving in generally the right direction, even if it feels like it’s happening sloooowly.

“hang in there”!

hang in there!

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[g.laiya]

rick i suspect your wife is much more understanding/forgiving of the insurance penalties than my husband is , otherwise might be a fun experiment – and would certainly make it easier getting the kids in and out with the extra room i’d have if that pole were to somehow not be there any longer…..just hope i don’t find out by accident!

scatty, i’m wondering now…. do you think the people who design and build parking structures are in cahoots with the local body shops? could it be they are even owned by the same people? that would sure explain some things!

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[g.laiya]

scatty, in your experience do the small structural supports jump as much as the large ones? we just had our parking assignment changed where we live, and it is an ever-so-narrow space between a small support pole and another car……really no room for jumping poles (or human error)

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