[Carry]

I agree, Bill. I got my diagnosis at 39, so it’s gonna take a while and i.m.o. it’s essential to acknowledge and accept that.

After I did, it became easier to stop striving for a ‘healed me’ somewhere in the future. I’m here now!

It’s kind of a paradox. First you have to realize how long things will take to improve, to be able to come back to ‘now’ and enjoy the struggle.

Think about it, we’d miss our old turbulent self, if we’d make it to the Zen-state we sometimes seem to strive for.

I know I would!

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[Carry]

Hee, je zou nu aan het werk zijn! Lees het straks maar!

With my tendency to turn inwards and shut out the outside world, even a 5 year old wouldnt be able to pull me out. And if I look at him and try to read his face, figuring out what is going on behind those blue eyes… That’s when I realize how important it is to be out here. I’d be missing out on so much, not be able to see him grow. He’d have a zombie dad, not seeming to care, hardly able to enjoy anything. Breaks my heart, everytime I realize what could have been. And fills me with happiness to realize what his birth changed for me.

dank je voor je bedankje!

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[Carry]

And I hope you’ll be able to at least recognize where your inappropriate reaction to ‘normal’ situations begins. With all that you’ve learned in the mean time, you’ll hopefully be able to bend it around, or to prevent yourself from slipping into the old mechanisms more.

The only thing we need to fear, is fear itself!

You’ll be prepared, I expect you’ll surprise yourself!

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[Carry]

Definately a coping strategy!

I don’t remember ever ‘facing’ RL. I must have coped, because I never had the catastrophies I read from some of the stories. Things went relatively well for me. I just never ‘lived’ that life. I was only confronted with it, when my son was born. On the days that I looked after him, I was supposed to provide him with structure, make sure he ate and drank, spend quality time with him, the basic stuff really. But I couldn’t… never stood a chance. My wife pulled the cart, looking after my son, me, while doing her job, and our household, everything regarding our everyday life, she had on her shoulders!

She finally got through to me, when she showed me that she was taking care of two kids. My son, and me. I had no idea, that my depressions (hadn’t a clue about my ADD, yet) affected anyone but me. So basically #2 and #3 define my ‘normal ADD self’. Wouldnt know who that ‘normal ADD me’ would be.

I don’t recognize #4 that much either. I knew nothing more than what I thought. Everything else was outside the glass bell. I did feel alienated, but not in the sense that I was not myself.. I was just invisible and unreachable. And unless I had to deal with something from the outside world, I was somewhat in control. And not being able to deal with the outside world is kinda … disfunctional.

When something was required of me, the only way I would be able to oblige, was to clear everything from my schedule and do only that one thing! Anything more than that would cause panic. And the only way to cope with panic, was to shut down. For instance, by retreating from every possible social environment, put on very complex, rich, energetic music, to force my thoughts in one direction. That would calm me down (and wear me out).

.. ok thats enough words for one post! I understand you so far. English is not my native language either, I’m Dutch.

PS. My son is five years old. I grabbed the chance to be in his life with both hands. He’s my lifesaver in that sense!

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[Carry]

I like the analogy! LOL

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[Carry]

I recognize the feeling that the 2″ thick glass is sometimes present again, even on meds. If that’s the case with me, it’s usually also the case that there are stressful things happening. And I did tend to pull myself back from ‘social life’ (even more) when I was feeling stressed.

So in my case, I’m beginning to think that I’m able to ‘create’ that glass bell and pull back, because that’s the only defense mechanism I know against stress. It’s happened to me again recently, and I’m still working my way back from that. (And I’m succeeding, which feels great)

If I am totally honest, I have to admit that it’s actually not the glass appearing between me and RL again, but it’s me not facing RL, in fact fleeing from it. By this, I am not suggesting that the same goes for you!

It’s just that, in my experience, during these periods of ‘medicated glass bell’ I AM able to focus and step up to the plate. It’s just really scary to do so, and then the glass bell (my comfortable, well known place) just feels more safe.

As I described in another post today, I think it’s time for me to get to work on those habits and defense mechanisms!

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[Carry]

I wanted to post this as a new thread, but I think this is exactly the place to put it:

I have been on Ritalin for almost a year now. The difference has been tremendous. And even though I was aware of the next step, being the breakdown of old habits and the creation of new ones, I haven’t commited myself to that process.

So now, after almost a year, I’m beginning to notice some of my old habits getting in the way again. Only this time, I notice them! (So the meds work! Yes, I started to doubt them again)

I get the feeling that this is happening because the perception of the dramatic difference – which was overwhelming, right from the beginning of starting medication – is now beginning to fade. The meds still do their job, but I start to mess up more often again. If I notice and commit myself to pay attention, things will run smoothly. But if I let myself slip away, I can still lose myself and lose contact with the outside world.

I’m beginning to believe that, if the time is right, the next phase will present itself. So all I have to do is pay attention. Isn’t that ironic?

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[Carry]

Hi Lola,

I have always felt as if I was living under a glass bell. I was present, but not able to interact as others seemed to be able to. It was like I was watching a movie of my life. It seems like that’s what you’re describing. So I’d say, it’s definately a symptom. A have a notion it could be a symptom of severe ADD, but that’s very subjective, because the difference is so dramatically noticeable to me!

Since I’m on my meds, I feel like my life has finally started! I’m living it, finally!

Feels great to feel great, doesn’t it?

cheers!

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[Carry]

Thanks Robbo,

I agree that depression is a big danger for us.. Gets in the way of dealing with the ADD stuff..

But being aware makes a huge difference.. I’m beginning to poke fun at my own ADD-driven flaws!

Good luck to you too Robbo! Getting a grip on it will hopefully even turn it into a fun treat.

(it’s nice to be the odd one out, now and again.. or most of the time even)

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[Carry]

Try also to separate your habits from the condition that helped you develop them. Your ADD isn’t you in the sense that you’re defined by it. But you did grow the way you did, with that strong influence.

You also may have developed habits based on the fact that you can reach your nose with your index finger. You’re not your arm, you’re not a nose picker. You’re the one that picks your nose because you found out that can, and you found a use for it?

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[Carry]

Hi, I’m Carry, and I’m an atheist. (Atheist Anonymous crowd goes: Hi Carry)

I have a confession: It’s hard for me not to be judgemental about religion and faith.

So, instead of ranting, I’ll refer to a story I recently read:

What’s wrong with gay sex?

(it seems off topic, but it’s not, really)

(it’s not offensive, it’s a dialog between a believer and his God,

in which the Deity point out the various ways people (mis)interpret the scriptures)

Again, not to be judgemental or offending, but to point out that using the word of your God to pass your own judgement on people is a sign of weakness, in my humble opinion.

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[Carry]

I used my fists too, GameGuy. On the walls. I was so angry with myself.

But hurting myself like that, also hurt the people around me. I never realized that.

You’re too hard on yourself.

Look at the things are as they are right now.

Don’t judge.. just observe.

That’s a first step. (a big one! you can do it!)

Good luck!

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[Carry]

Hey Nadia,

it was the reoccurring depressions that forced me to seek help. While being treated I failed to turn up for an intake appointment three or four times. The therapist asked me how I managed to miss that appointment all those times. I explained.. and he tipped my therapist to look into ADD as a possible ‘root cause’.

I was diagnosed at the age of… 38.. was it? I’ve been struggling through my depressions since I was about 14, 15 maybe.

For me ADD wasn’t really a fog. It was like living under a glass bell. I was there, but only as a spectator. Everything (which is too much to take in) comes through to me but I can’t reach out.

Felt like (an) epic failure! ( feeling much better now, thank you )

Good luck!! Getting educated will hopefully make you a lot happier. It did that for me!

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[Carry]

So in a nutshell..

to be able to keep answers short you either have to

– have ADHD (with hyperactivity) to answer really quicky, randomly and.. well somewhat like the above..

or

– not have ADD (anyof the subtypes) to prevent yourself from ranting on and on until you start foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards.

I think that explains the long rants from people that have attention issues.

My hippo never gave me any attention… *sobs*

I don’t think anyone has ever read one of those long messages entirely… without the help of a project team.. coffee… Ritalin… drill instructors.. drills.. alarm clocks… discipline… professional help… help!

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[Carry]

Insurance companies in the Netherlands, renew their contracts with the manfacturers every six months. So after having taken Rubio (no lactose) I’m now on Sandoz, which is an actual rebranding of Ritalin. This contains lactose, as a filler.

I’m not sure if I remember correctly, but I’m pretty sure, that I didn’t have this dry mouth when I was on Rubio. Is there any general knowledge about correlation between certain fillers and certain side-effects? Or has it proven to be varying strongly per individual?

cheers!

C

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[Author]

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