[dithl]

@jojosephine:

Oh, gosh, the memories of being a stay at home mom…your children and all the household chores nagging at you are expert distraction machines. Yes, “Tons of stay at home moms have side businesses that are successful.” If I could count the number of times I said similar things…why do we do that to ourselves? Don’t worry about all of those other moms. Assuming you have a diagnosis, you are dealing with an entirely different kettle of fish than they are. Look for the large and small victories in your day — e.g., child(ren) fed? SCORE. Bonus points for each and every cuddle, even if it takes you away from what you “should” be doing.

As for your dilemma:

Time Management:
“I way underestimated the delivery date and the time to work on the project so I have now have a to tell them that the project is going to take 5x as long and I am making about $0.05 /hr.”
— pencil that under the category “professional development”. (Hands-on training in time management). Let this one go, time management will probably be something you will work on a lot. Meantime, a quick tool that may be helpful — pomodoro technique, helps you work through big projects in 25 minute spurts of activity. Here’s a link to their free downloadable “cheat sheet” and to-do checklists. http://www.pomodorotechnique.com/goodies/

Negative Thinking, A.K.A. Dread
You are attaching a lot of negative thinking to this project. Reasons why you can’t progress with it, what will happen if you don’t finish it, how failing at it would really impact you. That’s normal…but unfortunately, it gets in the way of accomplishing things. Try (? wish I could say how…I do this too) to acknowledge those thoughts, then put them on the shelf and….

Pick One Thing.
…choose just one task to get you going. Anything. If you are mentally fried, make it something physical, even cleaning up your workspace. It might seem to be a trivial part of the overall picture, but the important thing is, picking one thing gets you over the inertia and can help you un-freeze.

Alone Time
Is it possible to get that somehow during the day? Personally, my mommy brain doesn’t turn off when family is around. Everyone is different, but it can be very hard to switch to a different track. Can anyone mind your children for an hour or 2 even one day a week? Can you work easily in the home, or would it be worth it to set up in a coffee shop or a library? If home is the only option, then you need to carve out time when you are mentally alert to work on your project. Really hard to do to take that time. But it’s not taking time *from* your family — you are a better mom if you are engaged in your creative work too. Write it in Sharpie on the wall if you need to – e.g., “1:00-2:00 is MOM time. Do NOT disturb unless something or someone is on fire.” After they are in bed — yep, way too late.

Will medication help?
Probably. Everyone is different, and it can take time to figure out what works for you. For me, it helps by 1. Allowing me to block out distractions 2. Think and plan more effectively 3. Not feel absolutely exhausted all the time — before, I would also be just a zonked noodle once the children were in bed. Now, I can actually choose to do work in the evening.

In the meantime…
Keep connected. This is an awesome place to go for cheers, hurrahs and commiseration. Keep us updated on your progress! Having someone friendly to report to can be great for accountability 🙂

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[dithl]

@kc5jck
@Larynxa

***BREAKING NEWS***

Tonight, the Microwave Cat Food Research & Development group reports that:

1. a single sardine will heat to exploding point after a mere 10 seconds in the microwave.

2. improvements in research methodology have been successful in preventing further damage to lab equipment (I smartened up and put a lid on it!)

3. the cat is completely uninterested in the work of MCF R&D.

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[dithl]

@kc5jck, thanks for re-starting this thread, what a laugh!

Speaking of microwaves and fancy cat food, I must warn everyone not to heat up Fancy Feast in the microwave. In 12 seconds the “meat”explodes, coating the entire microwave in bits of chicken. (Or beef or tuna, I assume — I don’t plan to repeat the experiment). And then the cat takes one lick and says, “ewwwww, you expect me to eat WARM cat food?” (I told her not to blame me – it was the vet’s idea, and briefly considered calling the vet to tell her how badly her idea turned out. And yes, I removed it from the tin first!) This is fantastic — I have wanted to warn someone about that all evening since it happened!

I have also had the “what do you think about?” conversation with my dear one, and astounded to hear “Nothing”. Not 2 simultaneous songs, each triggered by something that was said earlier, plus plans for tomorrow, plus worries plus “oooh, the shadow cast by that plant is beautiful”. Nope, he gets “nothing”. Strange world, indeed.I probably forget more than most people think during the course of a day. Which can be great fun when it doesn’t interfere with work. (Starting one thing and completing 15 other things!)

The songs are always fun to figure out, and the trigger *usually* make sense. (Like my partner’s puffer for his cough always makes the same sound, like a pitch pipe, which makes me break out into “Can anybody find meeeee, somebody to love” by Queen.) But I just got back from a canoe trip, most of which was spent with “Saturday Night” by Whigfield playing on a continuous loop in my head (“Dee Dee Na Na Na, Saturday night, I feel the air is getting hot, Like you baby” Enjoy the earworm.)

Which makes absolutely no sense to me — a sexy dance song, in a canoe in the wilderness, not even on a Saturday…

***Instant mashed potatoes can be made successfully while camping, while hash browns using real potatoes are infinitely tastier. Couscous is just one big messy mistake.***

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[dithl]

Hey, congrats! Great field to go into — the children always keep you thinking. I agree — a good challenge is more likely to keep you engaged and happy. Someone started up a Teachers with ADHD group here — if it gets busy, it might be a good place to go to for support with being the one to create/plan structure rather than just thrive in structure provided by someone else. Feel free to message me, I’m teaching kindergarten, and constantly working on that issue, always experimenting with new ways to provide external structure for myself so I can lean on it to provide a stable, engaging environment for the children. A huge blessing for me has been working with an ECE in the classroom — and we are unbelievably compatible as co-educators. I still feel like I have a ways to go, but happy to share what works for me:) Oh — and the cool thing in early years? You still get wowed over — just at more random times, and just for being you. Little creatures are the BEST at that! <3

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[dithl]

Thanks, @sdwa and @Wgreen, I will check those out. @sdwa — ya, the circularity of this whole thing is bewildering. Trying to observe what works and doesn’t work in our lives , then implementing and adjusting a plan — all using a tool that rather stinks at objective observation, planning and decision-making. So easy to spin in circles…and hard to find outside observers who are safe/trustworthy enough to give you a reality check once in awhile.

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[dithl]

“Our capacity for regulating ourselves is a neuro-biological trait, not some socially learned phenomena that you just happen to pick up from your parents.”

Can someone point me to more from Dr. Barkley about self-regulation? The good news is that self-regulation is now one of the central objectives of our Kindergarten program – and identified as being critical to learning throughout the school years and beyond. (Ontario). This trait is no longer expected to be picked up along the way as children learn their ABCs – it’s part of our curriculum. That being said, change happens slowly….and if ADHD is a neuro-biological deficit in this area, then we adults need to understand what approaches are most effective in supporting children to develop/strengthen what they DO have and to learn strategies to deal with with any deficits.

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[dithl]

What about Ed Hallowell’s analogy — “Ferrari brain, bicycle brakes”? Sure he has (some) control (sometimes), but he’s still learning how to control a Ferrari (or monster truck, or whatever vehicle is cool…) engine with puny little bicycle brakes. That still leaves your son with the responsibility of learning how to use what he’s got. The problem, too, is — they probably do see him trying and succeeding sometimes. It’s just not always going to be consistent, which is an extremely frustrating aspect of ADD. If only those great days turned into great weeks and great months. But that’s not how it works, and if he (and they) can understand that it is the nature of ADD, then it would be okay for everyone to vent at the ADD (not the child) when it’s impacting them / frustrating them, while helping him work on his goals, whatever they may be.

Hope that’s a little bit of help…here’s a link to an article about Ferrari engine / bicycle brakes.

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/9338.html

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[dithl]

Ha! You mean I’m not the only one who threw the “to-do” list out the window when I saw the forecast for this week? *melt, type, melt*

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[dithl]

@rbb101048: Wow. Glad I was of help. This internet thing is pretty amazing. Would have been awesome to have this kind of connection 25 years ago when my home life seemed like 1 mental health crisis after another…it was so isolating, and hard to find good information. Yet there are tons of people out there who have gone through similar things. Hope you keep connected and let us know how you are doing.

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[dithl]

@teabaglady – so sorry to hear you are stuck between two people who are not coping well. Sounds like it would be good to drag your husband to a support group (though likely not possible…) Early 20s are such a difficult time…that blessed high structure of school has dropped away, and at the same time we are expected to make major life decisions.

You know, running away might not be a bad idea, if it’s at all possible. Not forever, but somehow give yourself a little distance from this whole situation for awhile. It sounds like you have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. It could be time to step back a bit and let some of that go? Easier said than done, I know. But part of becoming independent, whatever that eventually looks like, is recognizing and taking responsibility for one’s own difficulties. It sounds like you are managing that quite a bit for your daughter. What would happen if you let go? But I should admit that I am a little out of my territory here. I moved out at 18, married with a son at 19. I probably tend to err on the other side and under-parent now that he’s on his own…

@rbb – you said there’s lots more that you haven’t mentioned…it sounds like your son’s mental health has deteriorated? You mentioned a mood disorder and the fact that he had become more socially withdrawn since his experimentation with psychadelics and current self-medication with marijuana. Do you have someone knowledgeable you can talk to about what you are seeing? I don’t know what mental health supports are in your area but I found attending a NAMI family to family course helped me deal with a loved one’s “adventures” with bi-polar. Other group members were going through situations very similar to yours. In our case, we had very little control over the situation as he was living with his grandparents. I could not wish a more difficult, heartbreaking thing to have to do than to let your child hit rock bottom, and selfishly pray I never have go through that. I do know I couldn’t do it on my own though – you need someone who is outside of the situation who can help you sort out what is helpful, what is enabling, and where your limits are. Here is the NAMI Colorado site – I don’t know if you will find it useful, but I hope you do get the support you need wherever you find it (including this Totally Awesome community). Wishing both of you strength! http://www.namicolorado.org/EducationandSupport/EducationSupportGroups/FamilySupportGroups/tabid/120/Default.aspx

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[dithl]

Here’s a question: is the view from your current plateau better than it was before? If so, maybe it’s not so much stalling out as taking awhile to get his bearings after a huge effort and the impact of being diagnosed. It is subtle, but it takes time to see yourself in a different way post-diagnosis. And though ADHD minds can be quick, processing deep, complex issues can take longer – much longer – than non-ADDers. Reflecting on the timeline so far might help: 1) struggling without a diagnosis (for years, I assume?) 2) making the (sometimes terrifying) step to seek professional help 3) examining the confusion of your life, including digging up your past school records, talking to family 4) obtaining a diagnosis 5) working on multimodal treatment (education, medication, therapy, coaching) 6) finding yourself in a place where you accept that you will never be non-ADHD but you continue to put all the supports in place to live your life to the fullest extent you can and stay connected with those you love.

Sounds like you and your DH are at the beginning of step 5 in this journey. I can imagine the struggle and heartache it has taken to get there. It must have been a relief for both of you to have a name for all the confusion.

This may be both sobering and hopeful – this is an incredibly long journey. One year in is still very early stages. It is fantastic that you have taken the steps to educate yourself, that will be an incredible support when he is ready to pick up the burden again and continue tackling this ADHD thing. The fact that he is taking medication at all is a testament to the work you two have done. It is extremely difficult to accept the fact that you have to take meds to fix what’s wrong with your brain — perhaps for the rest of your life — and many people don’t keep on with it.

So, I guess what I am saying, without knowing your situation, so my apologies if it comes across as trite or dismissive, is try to be patient (for now). You don’t want quick change. Real change happens at a deeper level, and takes time. And we ADDers must be an absolute royal pain to live with. We know we screw up, constantly. And feel bad about it. And want to be everything for those closest to us. But keep screwing up. And appreciate your help. But are afraid of being too needy. And interpret helpful suggestions as nagging or controlling. So sometimes will thank you for your help or growl at you and say, You’re not the boss of me!” Underneath all that, we just want to know that we are OK. And that you will stick by us. That you are in our corner. That we are enough. That although we are trying to figure things out to make life easier for everyone, you still love us just the way we are.

It’s an extremely tricky balancing act, life with us. Knowing when to push, when to back off. Knowing how to support without disabling. Being able to step back and let us fall flat on our faces when we make poor decisions – because we are adults, after all. Living with the consequences of those poor choices. Being able to spend time on your own when we’re not really present, but able to engage in our passions when we’re more than present.

I don’t know if anyone really knows how to do it all. Best of luck to you, and make sure you take care of yourself, too.

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[dithl]

@David: Great explanation. For me, working on positives/success was really key — and such an exciting, refreshing,
life-altering

change from many many years of trying to “fix” what was wrong with me…(though it is very easy to fall back into that mindset).

@sdwa, @Evelyn: if you click on someone’s user name under their avatar, it should come up with the option “private message” — a little green button in their profile.

@sdwa: Um, hmm. Remember how I found them? Key word is “remember”. *scratching head* I think I noticed one on the online “ADHD Expo” in October and saw from her profile that it looked like a great fit.
The first was 5 years ago…I seem to remember a ton of time on Google, his name probably came up in the context of an article or a forum, and I liked what I read.

So, sorry, that’s probably not much help — I guess it was just a combination of luck and my tendency to spend far too much time looking up information than is healthy.

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[dithl]

Larynxa: Thanks for the feedback and suggestions. I love this — “torn between interesting vs. important things”. That encompasses so much.

Meds still effective, but some noticeable differences…esp how quickly I seem to be metabolizing them (very noticeable during a day spent writing reports. Almost like, “Ping! Time’s up — ooh, look at the sparkles!”). And my sleep has changed — more dreams, more daytime sleepiness — both of which disappeared when I started meds. I’m upping exercise, and even (sigh) thinking about going strict no-sugar again for awhile, as that made a difference before my dX. Just wondering about research around adults & ADHD meds, taking med holidays and issues of tolerance. Lots of info on here and elsewhere, sometimes hard to dig through to find something specific…

Really enjoying the connections here!

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[dithl]

I hear you loud and clear!

I try to think about it as an ADHD-related processing problem, it helps to take away from the self-blame. I tend to get through half of a fantastic sentence, and then hit a wall and fumble for words.

Suggestions:

— Take care of yourself. I don’t know about you, but after a few days of not sleeping or eating well, I can hardly string two words together.
— I’m still working on slow down as well….give time for your mouth to catch up to your thoughts. Or vice-versa.
— Know your talking points, and stick to them (jot them down if possible). Sometimes,tangents are not your friend.
— This may or may not be feasible in your job, but think of what control you have over when and where you talk. (Schedule for time of day when you are usually at your best, suggest an alternate time to meet if you feel caught off-guard).
–At times, I tell people that I sometimes fumble for words, and asked them to ask questions if anything is unclear. I don’t make it a biggie, but it also puts it out there and makes both of us responsible for the communication.
— Accept it. So you don’t always speak clearly. Big deal. What shines is your personality, and your ideas will get across in some fashion. I have worked with people with significant speech issues, which did not take away from their professionalism.
— I know that last one sounds a little simplistic and even patronizing, but it really helped me once I figured it out. It didn’t take away the problem, but it helped me deal with it. It’s like finally accepting that it’s pouring rain outside and you don’t have an umbrella — then stepping out anyway because you want to go places!

Good luck!

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[dithl]

Wow, swda, excellent post!

I have had 2 long-distance coaches. Very happy with both. (No groups in our area). Pricing ranged, I believe the 2nd one was around $30 for a 1/2 hour session. The first one required a monthly commitment (understandable, as he needs to make a living, and forgetfulness can translate to no-shows), so that was more expensive.

Both times I was in pretty tough circumstances, and although they weren’t therapists, the coaches were definitely people in my corner at times when that was desperately needed. The first was by phone — I was diagnosed with ADHD just 2 years earlier, suddenly on my own after a long marriage, and starting my first career. Can you say daunted?? To this day, I still remember and use some of the advice I received then. One of the most important things I learned: to look at all the positive things in my life — my accomplishments (without minimizing) and things I am thankful for. I made it through that year, and my coach is one of the people I credit for that.

My second coach was via Skype (no long-distance bills!), to get help with issues specific to my work. I had been transferred to a new position, and was not weathering the transition well (an “ADHD flare-up” induced by too much change at once — too much to learn too fast left me on perpetual overwhelm). I chose my coach because she had been in the same profession (teaching), so could offer advice for both teaching and ADHD. And again — having someone in my corner was invaluable.

Both coaches worked in a similar way, which is why I feel that both experiences were successful. We chose a small number of goals to work on (2-3) and check in during the next week. They were both very knowledgeable about ADHD, offered tips for strategies, and helped see things from a different perspective.

I stopped coaching sessions both times once I was clear of the crisis. (Typical ADHD, what?) It would probably be very beneficial to continue, but sometimes I just feel that I need to take a break from thinking about how ADHD impacts my life, and look at things through an entirely different lens. It’s a journey.

I hope that helps? Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

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