[dithl]

@redarno: Oh my gosh, I just spent 45 minutes writing a response to you, and my browser crashed! Booo!

Short form:

Followed by the Hamster Dance. Which I think is what broke my browser, so serves me right.

I can’t re-write right now, but will try to get on here and re-post again soon. It was (I hope) inspiring in a weird, funny way.
So hang in there, and someone remind me to re-post in a few days if I haven’t?

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[dithl]

@blackdog, wise words about avoidable (or not so easily foreseen) crisis.
@fromthisdayforward: “I have been on a long and crazy symbiotic existence with my daughter,crises after crises.” As a child/ teen / young adult, “crisis” was the glue that held my family together. Some were true crises (like hospital trips), some just ordinary problems blown up to IMAX proportions by my Dad’s baseline anxiety. Crises are so very riveting, not in a good way, but in a leap-into-action adrenaline fix kind of way. It took years for me to unlearn knee-jerk responses to other people’s problems. Or to unlearn some of it, anyway.

Very cool that you are recognizing the symbiotic nature of the whole crisis cycle. I guess I would recommend thinking about how you want your role to change (setting boundaries?) and to be clear about that. “I won’t jump in and rescue every time you call, but I will _________”. Define what support you are able to give, explain why you need to change your own reactions.(And no, not just because you are a meany-head.)

(Ironically, I suddenly realized that you are getting advice from someone who has been setting boundaries with her siblings for the last 6 months — with less than stellar results. Boundary setting tends to tick people off, and it can make the boundary setter feel very mean-spirited. Hopefully the dust will settle with the passage of time.)

The other thing I wanted to mention — is there a way of spending positive time with her outside of crisis calls? Just calling to chat, or sending pictures, or doing insignificant little things together? Or maybe you already do that. It can just be overlooked when there is “a Problem”.

Good luck, it is so very positive that you recognize your own process of acceptance and self-care. Lots of good knowledge on this site as you move forward.

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[dithl]

@justin: …or acceptance will come after diagnosis. Or in spits and starts. Love this line, “Come on man, we don’t have any conditions. We just happen to tick most of the boxes, so what, that doesn’t mean anything”.
Most important thing is figuring out any obstacles to living a life you love, then start tearing them down. Or side-stepping them. And you don’t even need to call it ADD if you don’t want to.

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[dithl]

Oh yes. And dogs are so much easier. THEY apologize to YOU when you hurt them. “Oh, I’m so sorry you just stepped on my tail and hurt me. Are you okay? Are you sure? Here’s a slurp just in case.”

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[dithl]

@cat: I am very close to swearing off using email to communicate anything to do with feelings/conflict etc. I’ve had a couple things blow up on me in the past few years, so I’m starting to conclude that in order to resolve any issues, better to pick up the dreaded phone. Too easy to for others to read unintended messages in written communication, especially when it’s anything emotional.
I also have left the door open for good friends who wrote me off. At times, I wanted to chase after them and explain myself and try to understand why they were so angry with me. But that doesn’t work. I didn’t “break up” with them, so to speak, so it would be up to them to decide to try to renew the friendship.
Before it happened to me, I could never understand how people could become estranged. And I find it very strange that I have had 3 people in my life now who have done that to me. To the point of being pointedly ignored when social situations have brought us into the same room. Strange because I am a quiet person, I guess people would describe me as gentle. It would make more sense if I was a fiery type who tended to speak things in anger that I regretted later.
I don’t regret saying the things I did that set off the estrangement. In all cases, I was trying to speak an uncomfortable truth with kindness but I guess it wasn’t something the others wanted to hear, so they chose to end the relationship dramatically. I can’t get inside their head to figure it out. And ya, it took time to let go of that need to find out WHY – but time has provided closure of sorts as my life has gone on and the gaps left in the wake of those relationships have softened and filled in somewhat.
Sad, and it still makes me irritated / angry at times, but that whole “free will” thing means they get to choose with whom they associate.
Don’t take it as a deficit in social skills on your part unless you hear specifically from them that it was. No need to add on conjectured shortcomings on top of whatever difficulties you know you have.
Hope this helps a smidgen. I know everyone’s experience is different.

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[dithl]

Rats, I guess I’m not as nerd as I thought I was.

But Blackdog!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for jogging my memory by posting here. I have created a VBP (very bad poem) to commemorate the occasion. I am sure Larynxa will enjoy it. *sigh of cryptic contentment*

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[dithl]

Apology to CATS

Memory

All alone on the couch tonight

I can’t think through this mental haze

I lost my Mercedes-Benz.

I remember

The time I knew where I left my car keys

Let the memory live again

So I can go home.

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[dithl]

@billd; I think it basically boils down to the fact that from here on in, you are a scientific experiment. Just keep on trying different things. It’s slow, tedious, frustrating, but it’s all they’ve got for now.
A little belatedly – as for Dex, I take the short release as a booster for Adderall XR. I think I metabolize pretty quickly. It made a huge difference – I wasn’t getting through a whole day at work with the Adderall alone.
I’m a sleepy type too. Nothing diagnosed, but unmedicated I would have a really hard time driving an hour to work. As it is, I have been getting sleepy again lately. Going to try controlling other variables (see? Science experiment) like bedtime, diet, etc. Hopefully that will do it.

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[dithl]

@misswho23: Thanks for sharing, and glad you’re back. Must’ve been a little eerie seeing this right off the bat.
@rick thank you for your story. I am actually much happier than I would have expected. I’ll take it at face value for now – time will tell if I’m suppressing things. I think I have worried about her for years – not just the illness, but other things as well, and now that stress is gone it’s such an enormous relief. I think also that this is a case where short term memory issues is a blessing. I can’t dwell on every little detail….because I can’t remember it all.
To bring it back to A.D.D., I have really been interested to see how 6 of us siblings have been communicating and dealing with planning funeral and estate issues. Most of us probably have some level of impairment in executive functioning. Knock on wood, so far things have gone rather well. It’s a more “organic” way of planning. Definitely not hierarchical (it can’t be – with both parents gone and no will to go by, we have to decide together how to approach things). By no means is it perfect, but it’s working in a very A.D.D. friendly way. Technology has been a boon for this. At first, we used a closed Facebook group to keep each other up to date on her illness and to coordinate when each of us would be with her. Now, for the whole daunting task of sorting through almost 40 years of accumulated “stuff”, we’ve started using an online project management program. It’s keeping lines of communication open, which would have been sheer torture though telephone alone.
Here I go being all optimistic again, finding the silver lining in everything – another A.D.D. gift. 🙂

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[dithl]

@Franklin, I like your ideas, removing control so much as to give somebody else the password. Thanks! (I forgot I had started this thread!)

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[dithl]

@scattybird, thanks x two 🙂

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[dithl]

@wanderquest – I had cold spells when I first started stimulants. I also get cold when I’m under high emotional stress or tired. Herbal tea (eg chamomile) really helps.

I do also have mild Raynaud’s, which started before I began taking stimulants. Mostly harmless at this point, though I have to wear layers of socks in the winter, and now even slippers or socks to bed or I won’t sleep well. Mostly I like to gross out my sweeties after carrying grocery bags or driving by showing them a few fingers which have gone totally white from the second knuckle up.

Anyone that dares to say “but it’s not that cold” gets my ice-cold hands on their neck :-).

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[dithl]

Wow. Amazing story, thanks for sharing and congrats on your breakthrough. It’s the inconsistency that baffles us and those around us so much. My own internal label changed from “kind of lazy” to “really hardworking with ADD” after diagnosis. Makes a huge difference!

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[dithl]

Sad to say, we lost a great lady last Friday. It came faster than any of us would have wished for, but nearly 4 months of debilitating illness was enough for Mom. We were very lucky to be able to spend some positive time with her after she became ill.

Thanks to all of you for your support. I haven’t been on here much, but you’ve been in the back of my mind. You’ll probably start hearing more from me again on TADD forums as we settle back into our “new normal” life.

Now off to see what I can do to fix the washing machine that chose the day before the funeral to break. At least it’s a distraction!

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[dithl]

@ivriniel: Here’s a good link about work accommodations for ADHD. It even has a teacher scenario as an example.

http://askjan.org/media/adhd.html

What accommodations do you think you need? And *that* is the million dollar question. Like kc said, you need to get specific about accommodations (preferably with input from someone else, eg. principal or HR, but with knowledge too). eg. I am currently being accommodated because my principal is flexible with deadlines. (Maybe a little too flexible, as his last comment was “Don’t worry, there’s plenty of time to get reports done.” Gaaah! NEVER say “there’s plenty of time” to an ADDer!)
Since work is going well right now, I need to actually sit down with him and go over what accommodations work and are necessary before he ends up transferring — so I can file that kind of stuff with HR.

I’d be happy to brainstorm with you via direct message one night this week if you would like.

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