[Robbo]

Hmm, yeah that’s true billd, I should have remembered that. I think it’s just some mild kind of phobia. Sometimes I’m a little bit like Monk. But I’m also accident prone, so I have a love/no love relationship with danger. Mostly, I get a thrill outa scaring the crap outa myself . But much less as I’ve gotten older. 15 years ago my surfboard and my motorcycle were my two best friends. People mostly just rejected me.

When I first watched that Monk TV show I got a little self conscious, mostly I just laugh. I get grateful that I haven’t been traumatized like he was. OCD can sometimes be kinda like a hobby. Endlessly re-arranging stuff on those rare occasions when my home gets as clean as I like it. I almost can’t stop making things more symmetrical. I had a girlfriend that used to kid around with me about always fine tuning how the junk in my apartment was arranged OCD stuff. Later, when she became a bully, she said I was just neurotic. I am a little bit neurotic. I’m not really sure what the definition of neurotic is. But I feel like a weirdo. It’s a bummer when people look at me like I’m a weirdo. I got depressed probably because the ADHD symptoms were making me miserable and life was just plain too dang hard. It’s been getting easier for years, This site has greatly increased the self improvement/character growth part of my life. I’d like to write better. It’s good to be practicing more on this site. It’s cool not having my writing judged and ridiculed. The “have you ever considered the fact that you may have add?” kidding here is okay. People can’t resist, I get that.

I shouldn’t show up here without at least a small part of my sense of humor functioning. Some folks are really suffering from this impairment. It ain’t funny for us many times. But I’m sorta stuck in clowning around mode a lot of the time.

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[Robbo]

Yep Billd, if I could make myself practice more, I’d be on a stage bangen out repeat after repeat. And improvising. I couldn’t handle a musicians life on the road though. I just finished a long post for the “high five” thread but can’t find it.

Heck I’ll just post it here. later I’ll ask the folks who run this taco stand to include what thread and from where in our profile so we can go back to the one we lost. I agree with a post Tofat left a while back about changes to this site. I said change is good. But it’s all grey, ya know. 20,000 people coming to this site! That’s a lot of work. So I’ll just be grateful and post where I can.

Peace.

Here’s my post for the high five thread. It’s just for fun too.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Perplextinuation

New word for ya; It’s the perpetual feeling of being perplexed, continued. It’s a positive thing. Please remember not to eat any sugary sweets or quick carb’s before you read this. I bet this community of 20,000 can be very creative in coming up with more “Sniglets” I’ve searched for them in the past but they haven’t been found by me since 1997. I think I first saw them on Saturday Night Live. This is a new one. How can the English language evolve without minds like ours coming up with the new words our dictionaries need? We have too many multi purpose words like were. LOL I wonder what I mean/said that time.

It’s fun to be ADHDc (the little c is for character, being a character, having character, whatever) a lot of the time. Other times not so much.

I’m finding out it can be love-able. Me, that’s a little more difficult. I’m listening to a new play list of old school metal, new stuff, Rap, and some awesome classical. Also watching Nature on PBS, and writing all at the same time. And I’m fairly sure it’s not manic depression. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I once had a girlfriend who was a bully. Hmm actually most of em turned into bullies after being with me for a while. I used to always think I had a problem picking angry men haters. The fact is, I created them! What a crappy thing to find out. Nothing is completely black or white. But mostly, I wasn’t trying to re-live my relationship with my mother and get her to love me as I am. I fell in love with a manic depressive lady once. She didn’t like to take her meds. That sucked. In most of my romance relationships, It was me torturing a nice gal with my forgetfulness and squirrelly, moody, and immature behaviors. I’m very grateful to say I was never violent. My eyes were though. So much that I’ve had cops called on me just because I looked! Dangerously angry. I probably was. Usually got away. One time I FORGOT they were on the way. That long story turned out great. Honest. Cool judge. Saw right through me. (he did see my insides, gentle, just frustrated)

Wow, coool, “Tennessee Stud” by Johnny Cash just came on, followed by “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who. Batting a thousand tonight. High five for not screwing pu today. Hehe. (accept for the dyslexia when I used the atm earlier) I need a single word for a non senior having a senior moment… any ideas?

Got any new words for the dictionary that need to be there?

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[Robbo]

Wow Jim,

Accept for the fact that I’m not an actor in the sense that it’s a job I do. You wrote my letter for me. I was asking about my childhood with my mom about a month and a half ago and It was freakin hilarious. Her memories were much more whitewashed than what I rememgber, (Gotta leave that typo, it’s sorta quirky funny huh??but some ot the things she remembered had me roaring with laughter. I used to litterally grab a blanket and go hide when I was really little! I’ve had phases of agoraphobia, mostly just when I lived in a very crime infested neighborhood. That was more smart, than neorotic. I’m all over the place everywhere nowadays. Accept not it’s getting colder. I don’t know how you Canadians handle all that cold weather. Yer a tough crew.

Welcome to my nightmare Jim. Read a lot of what’s here and things will get better fairly quickly. I said yes to absolutely every question too! That sooooo freaking sux huh? I can see me on the football field getting it in the Ear like I used to do to so many poor quarterbacks as a defensive end. Nothing like going through a fullback and destroying a quarterback, huh? I’m guessing you’re an adrenaline junkie or used to be also.

I’ll be spending a lot of time in this part of the forum. Heck, months probably. A 26, no a 28 hour day! yeah, that’s the solution to our problems huh I love to sleep when I finally get tired. In fact that’s how my parents always found me when I was so dang little. Curled up with my blanket sound asleep. Then I’d wake up and go back to entertaining my 3 older brothers and 3 older sister … AAACCKKK!!! I still have dark rings under my eyes, and I’m not from India.

Peace.

P.S sorry bout the typos I don’t have time to fix. I gotta go take some dang medicine for my belly full of glass shards!!!!!!!GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (just feels that way…)

That one typo reminded me of a funny Snigglet. (words that should be in the dictionary) Burgacide, That’s when a hamburger breaks up into too many small pieces and hurls it’self through the grill into the coals… I found an old “jokes” email from 97 and made a copy to give one of my neighbors, hehe. Lot’s of funny snigglets.

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[Robbo]

Thanks for the list of great ideas nellie, fortunately I just remembered to copy n paste it for my “ADHDC” solutions folder. The C is for character. Cuz that’s what most of us are, A real character! pretty soon I’ll have more character. probly. hmmm, I dunno

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[Robbo]

Right on! I think maybe I’ll start feeling like I fit in here. I could relate to most of the ambidextrous folks the most. It pissed me off when I go to the music store. Why such a small selection of left handed guitars? Many left handers are forced to learn to do many things right handed. A radial arm saw absolutely gives me the creeps. The big giant ones at home depot. What if the person who changed the blade before you worked on it didn’t tighten down the nut enough? If that 12 inch blade came loose it would go right fREAKin through a lefty standing right in front of the thing. I was at a home depot a month ago getting some oak to make a new cutting board, the dude who cut it for me stood right in front of that blade as it was spinning so fast you could hear the wind! ACK!! horror nightmare creepville!!! LOL. When I was a carpenter I think I should have named myself “lucky” until I finally got injured. Us lefty’s need to be extra careful with right handed tools, huh? I would have hit more home runs if the coach had the brains to ask me to try batting left handed. That’s a fact. Thanks for letting me vent.

Marblehead

P.S. Why are scary movies so dang funny?

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[Robbo]

Hi Carrie,

Hey good job talking about all the stuff bothering you. I don’t know why but stress, and especially trying to remember something makes me hold my breath, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. So that’s why the deep breaths help so much. I hope you find the time to focus on the easy solutions that are here. Maybe write down a few of the simple ones that work fast for the urgent stuff.

I’ve been a single parent, it wasn’t easy. I grew into it. It got easier. We get stronger and we learn how to handle all the extra stuff as it comes. Two kids are great. They can keep each other entertained while you catch up on the rest of the stuff you gotta get done.

Good luck, people are rooten for ya.

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[Robbo]

Thanks a bunch

Helpful stuff you guys, I’m not a student. I’m curious and have studied a gazillion different things. Just not ass much spelling as I should. It’s very encouraging to see that some folks with add/adhd can still succeed, depending on one’s definition of success. I think there may be as many different ways to succeed as there are combinations of impairments that we humans experience. Anything close to a regular routine is a good sighn (more crreative spelling) of impending success for me. I‘ve already had a couple mini careers, I‘m discovering the next one. When my life gets sorta stable, organized and predictable. Words I doubt are ever used when folks gossip about me in my tiny little small townish neighborhood/apartment complex. It’s great! Then I can’t stand it and mess it all up cuz I get bored hehehehe… I invited a friend here, {this web site} I’ll bet she gets a good snicker out of that one. Like me, she’s not too thrilled with some of the small town characteristics in this little “pointe” on the map I live in, she sorta lives n works here both.

I made a new folder in my ADHDers folder for “good threads to read” and saved the “best antidepressant/anxiety meds to co-exist with add/adhd meds” thread. As well as this one. Just reading and learning is helping tons, I’m also finally winding down from the final decrease in the Wellbutrin. I stretched it out over about 6 months, and more quickly from 2 150 mg tabs wellutrin to just 1 over the last 6 weeks. I’m having some grief about having strong tendencies toward adHd, not bad depression though. I think because I have a large kit of mental, spiritual, physical (what I eat especially) tools to use. Medication is a pain in da ace. But I’d rather be a lit bit grunpy cuz I have to take pills than very freakin angry cuz I’m in a straightjacket! hehe. Sorry I realize that’s not actually funny. I haven’t had to go even close to that place fortunately. I’m sure glad I did read this post after I clicked send. Sheesh, almost forgot to edit/proofread, I wasn’t makin sense, I hope not too many people read the first draft of this one :0)

Ack! I’m starting to ramble… woops zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Grrr, had to click edit twice, I’m calling it good enough now.

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[Robbo]

The psychiatrist I have talked to once told me “if the caffeine seems to be working the Ritalin will work better” I have to remember that caffeine is not medicine, and self mediation is risky business. I’m becoming more open minded about real medication the more I read. Self discipline definitely has it’s place, but all I’m saying about that is for me it’s important to not rely on any single or even just a small group of solutions. For now it’s much more reading than writing.

I too have had some toxic parenting. Most parents of adders probably got very frustrated (a little bit of an understatement, huh?). I don’t owe them anything at all, not even a defense for their mistakes. I choose to “honor my mother and father” because I love them. Regardless of how some of the hardwired problems in my head got there. 3 older brothers 3 older sisters, half a dozen toxic teachers through school, fighting my way through misdiagnoses etc. etc. The problems I have are MINE, I own them and if they’re gonna get solved it’s ME who needs to get help solving them. ATz why eYm here catz.

Surprise! I’m done writing. Imagine dat?

***grin***

P.S. I just remembered to say, coffee can sometimes make me way too bouncing off the wallish, that hasn’t happened in very long time, Hmm, can’t remember the last time actually. Before I got honest with me about adhd, I didn’t drink much coffee. I got belly problems. Caffeine can be really awful to withdraw from. Those headaches are Bad Bad,meen. Too short acting maybe. We all have different medication needs probably. Especially with a mixed bag diagnosis like a lot of us have.

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[Robbo]

It doesn’t always work, but tonight I’m drinking a mix of Earl Grey and peppermint tea. Peppermint for the belly ache. With caffeine I call it “the boomerang affect”, the trick is to not drink too much, usually about 1/3 cup of really good strong French roast. I’m not sure the earl grey has enough caffeine in it. but I know if I get my but in bed while I’m still sleepy there’s hope I can sleep well. Getting that second wind sucks, maybe I’ll try just a few sips of the strong coffee if I can’t get to sleep later. Exercise is a great help too. I know that focusing too much on the fact that I have add symptoms can make them worse, kinda like I’m getting a complex and it’s just me manufacturing my own misery. I wish I could figure out why the heck I do that. Or if I actually do… zzzzzz Thinkin! that’s my main problem. I wish I had a off switch like Data from Star Trek next generation. Wouldn’t that be great? It would help if I had a wife to turn me back on in the morning though huh? Ayyy,

A lot of my problem is plain ol discipline I think. Whoops, I thinked didn’t I? Umm thunk?

Thanks! a lot gang, I’m through.

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[Robbo]

I logged back on just to reply to this thread, can’t sleep again. I jammed a little along with the TV n then just got in bed to read tons of posts here, I got lucky and a bunch of great music was on Austin City Limits late last night. I couldn’t possibly agree with you more toofat about the music. I’d give up any other two senses to keep my hearing, and I truly love photography. And sunsrises/sunsets. A sunrise from Carmel, the only place on the west coast to see a sunrise over the water, made me bawl like a baby it was so dang beautiful. Yet music moves and heals me more. At age 42 I finally found out a mid life crisis wasn’t some kind of joke, went out an purchased a bunch of used and new guitars, amps, etc. The only thing I held on to from my past was a Rat, distortion box, old school. possibly older than me. I got a new Amp about 6 or 8 months ago small enough to keep in bed with me as I was recovering from surgeries. I had to be able to play my guitar, on my back, in bed. I’m not even that good. But lately somehow I’ve been able to jam along with so much more of the music as it’s playing. It’s heaven. I just grew my fingernails back because I always drop picks and some days I just can’t find one soon enough. I found a bunch of new sounds to make with my fingers and the different characteristics of my fingernails, or groups of fingernails. My last girlfriend has a masters degree in music, lot’s of CD’s her dad recorded and burned for her, on piano. Talent, and she’s a dang genius. Too bad she had no patience for my adhd symptoms. She had her issues too. In college at 16 and her IQ was so high I think it may have made her nuts. Who am I to judge her anyway. She’s another person now. I need to stop calling her my “last” girlfriend. I haven’t given up on romance. Just on a long vacation, sortof. I’m always meeting women I get very interested in very quickly, but just don’t follow through, or give up too easy. If they play hard to get, I go fish somewhere else! and just say “I’m goin back to my music now. The strings have always been my first love. If I ever decide not to get cremated, I’ll be buried with a giant whad of all the used strings I’ve saved from guitars I’ve played. Nothing sounds as awesome as brand new perfectly tuned strings, huh?

I’m a heavy metal rocker, but I’ve been on a county n WESTERN kick lately. Willie, Waylon, and the boys. I found an awsome CD of “classic country outlaws” and a willlie nelson and johny cash “storytellers live” treasure too, reminds me of the stuff my folks always played when I was a yungster. My current favorite tune is “Are you Sure Hank Done It This Way”

Music sweet music, I wish I could caress, n kiss kiss, Manic Depression is a full straight in mess… -Hendrix-

Keep playing Ladybug, yer so dang lucky!

Love, peace n music forever-

obert.

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[Robbo]

Geoduck, I’m only laughing cuz I can relate. I know it’s not fun, but we are pretty funny sometimes, don’t you think? We’re so squirley we probably even look funny. Squirming around cuz we can’t sit still. hehe. I’m still not officially diagnosed, but the brain doctor (psychiatrist) wanted me to try Ritalin during! not after the first session. That was after two short visits with social workers I had to see before they let me see a real psychiatrist. (brain doc, sounds better than shrink) the symptoms have gotten worse as I’ve gotten more educated about this. It’s a rough road, but I’m sure lucky a friend suggested I write down the name of this site after seeing the ADD n loving it thing of PBS a few times. ordering the DVD, and watching it almost 10 times. At least. I never counted. what for? It can take many times for something I don’t want to sink in to sink in. I don’t want to have this. Who in their right mind would want this. I’m left handed too. So I’m definitely in my right mind. (right brain) I wonder what percentage of ADDers are left handed.

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[Robbo]

hehe, thanks billd, I think… ya made me laugh at myself, That’s good. I usually don’t wear shoes, but I should shine your shoes for having the patience to read my ramblin. After I hit send I freaked out a little, cuz even though I tried to make it shorter, it’s still SO DANG LONG, I don’t know how I feel. Whatever I’m feeling, it ain’t fun. It’s embarrassing. And I too have had to accept a lot of not always nice critical comments about my long long posts. I’ll do a bunch more reading tonight, n watch more of the videos. My next brain doctor apt. isn’t until December! That’s a freaking long dang time.

Nasty can of worms. Ugly. not fun. I have an image of a Peanuts (Snoopy, Charlie Brown, you know…) comic strip in my head. It’s one of Snoopy on a rainy day, walking down the sidewalk trying not to step on all the worms! in 6th grade I remember literally falling down curled up and laughing about that. The fright on his face as he jumped in the air looking down was a gut cruncher. Without my sense of humor I would be a miserable dude indeed.

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[Robbo]

I have a post I’m working on about writing, I think I have a solution less frustrating than unplugging my computer.

I finished this one first, I call it (in the folder of first drafts) ADD is a can of worms, ugly, nasty, important, and good worms.

Dang, I’ve been writing for a few hours I think, I need to eat. Don’t want to, I ain’t freaking hungry! Why does the medication I take steal my dang appetite?, I’ve been taking add medication for about 8 years and didn’t even freaking know it! Crap! What the heck do I do with that new information? Sh&t! I started taking Wellbutrin about 8 years ago, and prozac. Instead of paxil. I switched to paxil only a couple months after I tried prozac. Prozac wacked me out way to much. It was like rocket fuel to me. Paxil worked for a long time, but the real reason I had grief, never left. I’m not really depressed any more. I’ve learned to deal with the rejection that happens to people with adhd. It still bumms me out, but I get over it. There’s a difference between legitimate grief, sadness. and depression in my opinion. We get stuck feeling sad and that’s depression, I know a little bit about how SSRI’s work, but I don’t think any psychiatrist truly knows how or why they work. I hope to find out more. I can’t figure out why prozac works good now, but was too much more me 18 years ago.

I know it’s weird that I trusted the lady in some hospital that changed my medication for depression from paxil to prozac and Wellbutrin. I was in the process of trying to keep my entire freakin right leg because the first SIX OR SEVEN doctors wanted to amputate the whole thing. I had an abscess deep inside my right hip. It was depressing being in that particular hospital, surrounded by old folks dieing from pressure sores. Extreme problems with understaffed nursing, I mean 10 and 12 to 1 patient to nurse ratios. I later found out about how awful the reputation of Kindred hospitals were. I don’t care if they sue me, I don’t have much to sue me for anyway. I know medical/Medicare stopped funding them many years ago, it was in the paper in Modesto Ca. That was the Modesto hospital. I was in the one in the Bay area of Ca. 3 times for 2 months each. I got to keep my leg, it would hurt even if they removed it! That’s called “phantom pain” and I’m afraid that might make me more crazy than I already am. It scares people enough to see a person in a wheelchair all of a sudden. I don’t notice any more. But once in a while I do. No problem. And for the record, it’s always okay to get the door for a person in a wheelchair, it’s polite to ask first. Sometimes when a person, especially if they’re 31. prideful and newly disabled. Sometimes people Will get angry, but give em a break, and just ask next time. I’m always grateful and say so when people get a door for me. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. BTW surviving my stays at KinDREAD hospital made me stronger. I got some good support from a few good friends and one excellent girlfriend after. So it was a growing experience.

I keep trying to write to post on this web site without talking about the fact that I’m already disabled to begin with. That’s just ridiculous. I wanted to name this post, “the beauty of ADD” only because the fact that some of us are very memory impaired keeps us from lying, we talk faster than we think, or vice versa, I don’t know. You guys probably know what I mean. Of course this is the Internet, and I never expect people to be totally honest. I don’t know if that’s possible because we don’t often even know what the truth is, all there is, is what’s true today. Then we grow and we change.

There is no box, that was the original idea when I decided to get my first tatoo. It changed of course. I draw on my shoes, and on my jeans a lot, that washes off. I only have one tatoo, and I’ll always like it. Love it!

I decided not to edit out the reference to the wheelchair under me from my posts here. That would just be dumb, and I would feel like I’m not being honest. I just don’t want to be judged based on that simple tiny little detail about who the heck I really am. Who I am changes every freaking minute of every day. The permanent changes happen slower, n we call that growth usually. Sometimes it’s the growth of some kind of sickness unfortunately. That’s why it’s such a crazy world, we’re all growing, some in the good way, some not. I like the saying. “If you’re ripe you’re rotten, if you’re green you’re growing” In other words, humility pays. I’m only 46 years old in time. Not maturity. I’m done figuring out how old I am in any other way, that’s either minimizing my problems, denying them, or boasting. It’s all bull to me. I’m just 46. I use a wheelchair cuz I was stopped at a red light on my Yamaha XT 250 enduro motorcycle, ready to pop a wheelie as usual (probably) I don’t remember anything. Lost about 10 days of memory. I found out 15 years and 2 days later, (last month) that if you get knocked out and don’t remember any part of what happened after, that is a concussion. I thought a concussion was some kind of crack, or even a hairline fracture in the skull. I was 31 at the time, and I remember I had no broken bones, the swelling from the pickup truck that hit me from behind at T-8 of my spinal cord, that’s about where the bottom of our sternum is. Cut off the circulation long enough to kill off most of my spinal cord. If I lived about 7 or 8 hundred years my spinal cord will grow back is what the doctor told me. Why? Like that’s information I can really use. My first memories were awful. In the hospital in this crazy bed that kept tilting left and right. And arguing with some lady who insisted that I was in the hospital and was never gonna walk again. Wham! Another day or two asleep and I’d wake up freaked out from the extremely vivid morphine dreams. I won’t talk about them, too dang weird, and really pretty dang sad. I don’t want to write about that. I haven’t cried for many many years about this, and I’m not going to manufacture my own misery just because people might be curious. Trust me, it’s not very interesting anyway. Finding out none of that stuff never happened really sucked Tons and tons and tons.

So there I spilled my beans, they scatter… I have bad pain, tried pot, too addictive. It’s not an option. It does indeed work the best, but the side affects are the worst. I can’t get anything done, I’ve taken marinol, that line “spilled the beans’ reminds me of the generic marinol spell check automatically fixes some of my spelling, it thinks I’m saying donation grrr, I outsmarted it my adding a semicolon and a comma with the word then clicking on “Add” when spell check tried to guess what I’m trying to spell, then delete the semicolon and comma…, actually I discovered it hehe, so dronabininol is the drug, the’re perfectly round and escape very quickly when you drop them. Grrrrr. I don’t have kids, or a pet that might eat these little brown balls, so I’ll leave then “escaped” hehe. they don’t make you stoned. But if you take a high enough dose to help with pain, you get the same darn miserable side affects. So I take half what I was taking about a year n a half ago, and I don’t get “high”, or stoned, but It might be mellowing me out a little bit. I will cut back a little bit more on the dosage. The psychiatrist approved my idea of slowly cutting back on the Wellbutrin, it was making me too dang hyper. She also said “I don’t like the Marinol” but didn’t ask me to stop taking it fortunately. It does help with my awful stomach problems, a little with the appetite. But I’m not sure it’s worth the cost. I’ve been taking that about a month now, and I’m not sure it’s worth taking. Too much controversy, and if I can’t be sure it’s helping why take it? This web site is helping the most. I’m still not to the depression stage of accepting my add symptoms. That really looks dumb on paper. Crap!

I wish I could get better guidance from all the different kinds of doctors I see. There are too many specializations in medicine today. It’s necessary because health care is so very difficult and complicated. I think it’s greed that drives on the desperate need for general practice doctors, and not specialists. It’s likely that I don’t have all the facts, just my many years experience across the spectrum of healthcare depending on who your HMO is, and basically how much money you have. That’s why I come across so very grateful on this web site, I am grateful!!! Period. I’m grateful my general practice doctor never chose to specialize, He helps tons and tons of low income folks. Works his dang butt off. And takes good care of himself too. I’m extremely lucky when I stand back and look at all my experience with the many different kind of doctors I’ve had to deal with. Some of them would have been sued if I didn’t have a brain. In the end, it’s not likely they would learn a lesson anyway. unless they had true evil/malice in the way they practiced medicine, I think it’s just dumb to sue a doctor. We pay for the malpractice insurance in the end.

It will take time to figure out if the marinol is helping or not, I seriously doubt medical marijuana can be medicine for add. More likely it’s the cause! I’m all questions still. At first I thought they might be helping me by mellowing me out, I know one gal who uses pot for her adhd, but I don’t know if she has actually been diagnosed. She never returns my dang phone calls! She uses a vaporizer, I tried it one time, and I will never ever understand how that could help a person with adhd. It’s sounds like plain insanity. I’m not even sure the (darn, I don’t know what mistake I made there, missed it while proofreading the first time)

Wow, I deleted a lot, the very long and entertaining part of “the making of” Star Wars is an excellent education for pretty much any kind of art in my opinion. I’ll just post this and watch some more of that. I have to watch educational stuff over and over, and again some more. A lot.

“Do or do not, there is no try” -Yoda-

P.S. this post is one third the original size. That’s a decent amount of progress… (this next part added after I copy n pasted this) actually the first draft was 35.9 oops 39.5 kb’s this one is 32, so it’s more like just a little bit smaller. Yoda’s advice is very difficult to follow. dyslexia is a pain in the butt. I just left it cuz I’m fed up with fixing my mistakes. just like that sentence near the end that just stopped… I could check the un-edited folder, but time, it’s not my friend usually.

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[Robbo]

Munchkin,

It was a good read to read your post, I don’t know if it’s the change in meds, the fact that I’ve been writing for about 6 hours, or the three sips of coffee I’ve had in the last two hours, actually half an hour ago I drank a little less than half what was left after the first sip. I’m trying low doses of really good coffee. It’s difficult cuz it tastes so dang good.

Anyways, it was easy and smooth to read your post, and helpful, encouraging, and just cool I guess. To read, all the time I have to go back and re read stuff, that only happened twice near the end of your post. Amazing. Thanks, I hope you’re doing well. Sometimes I think if I have too much to say about what someone else says it can make it difficult to come here and just vent. I hope I didn’t do that with my last post to Suzybear78.

I’m sorry if I did that Suzybear78, I’ve got fairly thick skin, so please let me know if you felt any kind of a negative reaction to so much commentary about what you had to say.

Take it easy, n I hope people keep coming back here. It all helps and I try to spend more time reading than writing. That just became one of my top goals or guidelines for this site.

b-bo I have to let a little creativity out every time I write, so I’ll write all the different nicknames and online “handles” that I’ve used throughout the years. Turbo is a funny one. I wonder why people could call someone like me turbo? why not turmoil? hehe. turible. ***chuckle chuckle*** Turble, that’s how Shakile Oneil (forgive my spelling plz) says terrible, hehe – turble

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[Robbo]

Suzybear78, I totally understand the “there is no word” about how you’re feeling. I can’t possibly know exactly how you feel, that’s always true, we could be exactly the same in every way, yet still experience it differently. But Pain, this I do understand. The fear of “how much worse can this pain get” is an awful thing to let run around inside my head. Please remember

This too shall pass

By the time I finally watched that ADD and loving it documentary on PBS the third time and made the call, watched the DVD a bunch of times, like seriously , about ten. And I started to admit I needed some help; at age 46. It wasn’t that bad, but as soon as I admitted that I had a problem I needed help with. Whammo! The symptoms got worse, like a bad complex gone wild. I think maybe a lot of people go through this process with lot’s of different problems.

I’ve managed to not die self medicating through extreme mountain biken, surfing, etc., but let me tell you, I’ve come much much too close, not actually suicide attempts, or plans, but living a very dangerous lifestyle. I still have the cover of an old surfer magazine from 94 that says “The Joy of Fear” with a picture of a tiny little surfer on an enormous mountain of raging unimaginably huge wave [the surfer just looks small cuz the wave is about a 70 foot face…it’s stuck on my fridge next to my favorite place, the stove. Run a search on mavericks, or monster mavericks, for pictures. 94 was an epic year, unforgettable… moments of bliss mixed with extreme terror, doom, and so much adrenaline my tongue would sometimes go freakin numb!

I’m lucky and very grateful to be alive. The lyrics of a song come to mind. “God takes care of old folks and fools”, I used to be a fool. I’m less foolish now.

It freaks me out when all the new commercials for new antidepressant medz come on the telly, they always warn about how some medications are actually causing people to become suicidal. Please remember I’m not a trained therapist of any kind, I’ve had tons of good therapy. Fortunately.

Here’s why I think some people have a horrible time when they start new medz, it’s because we sometimes stop using all the coping skills we’ve used, (the healthy ones, not chasing adrrenaline) and expect the medication to do all the work. (we don’t do this on purpose) For me the work is reading here, A LOT, and re-reading. watching the video’s. I will print out the stuff I’ve said I would print out about a week ago as soon as I’m done here. Procrastination, and apathy can kill us while were still alive. Make sense? Alive, but not alive, mentally paralyzed… the videos here, They’re not therapy, but in this day and age they are an excellent resource for us, very therapeutic. You are not alone. Many people here care about your welfare and know how you’re feeling very much. Your experience is adding to the value of this web site. Please keep sharing and let us watch you recover from this awful can of worms that most of “generation X” seems to have. Some a lot, some a little. As we get older so many of what people call “senior moments” are actually, maybe… heck I don’t know, untreated ADD, and other related problems?. We all have crosses to bear, but the real truth is that life is not fair, some of us have huge heavy ones, others, well heck their life is a dang cake walk. Not all suffering is optional, most of it is. I.M.H.O Pain is not optional, just the suffering alone. We don’t have to do that. Pick up that 10 thousand pound phone and call a good listener, you know at least a couple, do what I try if you can‘t think of anyone really good, call any friend who isn‘t a gossip, say “I need someone to listen, not try to fix me“ (if that is the case) just call someone and tell them what you need from the friendship today.

I’m not an expert, but I’m feeling like helping you is really helping me at the very least. So thanks. I couldn’t sleep last night, got an appointment today, appointments stress me out. Deadlines are a terrible experience for me, and this one isn’t even very important. At all!!! It just upsets me tons when I’m late because I forgot something and have to get back outa my car, go back inside, the neighbors see me yet again making a trip back into my apartment for something I forgot. Ugh, I care too much about what people think, it’s safe to be myself here though. Of that I’m fairly sure, I know I have to take the risk and really let you guys see as much of me as I can stand to show. Maybe in about 10 years some of you guys may actually get to know me. It’s possible. But my head says “they’ll reject you, they won’t like you, you talk too much…” on and on. On to another imaginary onandonandonanonymous meeting hehe. Just needed to make a lil joke, I got a lil too serious there didn’t I?

Ack!!! Sometimes the clock speeds up lak crayzee man! sheesh

Peace new friend.

obbo

Just a quick PS, in my experience. Sometimes a N.P. or Nurse Practitioner, can be as good or better than a regular general practice doctor. They cost our insurance less, and many times spend that extra 15 minutes that a patient sometimes needs. The general practice doctors are under extreme pressure to see a gazzilian patients a day just to keep up with the demand for treatment in this quickly overpopulating world we’re surviving in. And to pay the bills like malpractice insurance etc.

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[Author]

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