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I completely hear what you are saying. I have experienced the same problem, even with – and sometimes seemingly because of – medication. The first few days are good, then I start to feel a kind of toxic build-up and become unable to focus or concentrate on anything, and actually feel much worse. Also I think changing meds or dosage can do weird things. On-again, off-again meds leads to some pretty unpleasant states.
Recently, I revisited my copy of the first “ADD Crusher” video by Alan Brown. In this video, he talks about the importance of diet, exercise, meditation, and proper sleep hygiene. Over the past few days I’ve attempted to implement his suggestions, and notice a significant difference in my mood and level of mental clarity.
I start the day with a protein meal – eggs, tuna, or something like that. Plus Omega 3 supplements and a vitamin B complex. I avoid sugar, and other “white food.” Consume little amounts of protein regularly throughout the day.
Meditation: There are different ways to do it, but essentially, the point is to calm down, sit comfortable, and clear the mind by coming back to a simple thought, repetitive thought. Brown mentions the ADHD tendency to obsess about the past and worry about the future – so the meditation is about trying to let go of that stuff and relax in the present. Helps to reduce compulsive/obsessive fulminating. I lose a lot of energy to worrying.
Exercise: Even making sure to get in a brisk walk every day would help. Cardio work-outs are more important than muscle fitness. This is a real challenge for me because of where I live, but I’m trying to figure out where I can build exercise into my day – such as walking instead of taking the bus.
Sleep: Avoid the blue light of the computer or television an hour before bed time so the brain has time to relax and prepare for sleep.
Those are just a few of his many suggestions that can help, for starters, with the Brain Fog issue.
You can find clips of his videos for free on YouTube, just to check it out.
I’ve had this video for a couple years, and thought it was great when I first heard it, and thought, yeah, I should really do that stuff. I started doing it, but got sidetracked on something and forgot about it. Now I’m just rediscovering it. Out of pure desperation, because I’m sick of living like this, my plan is to start doing exactly what he says, and if I have to remind myself by watching the video every day for a year, then that’s what I need to do. I already feel a whole lot better after just a few days.
That’s my best .92 for now. Hang in there.
REPORT ABUSEUnfortunately, in a desperate situation the one intervention that is most likely to help is coaching, so if now is not the time to take it on, chances are there will never come a time when it will be possible, because I’ll never be able to get out of the situation I’m in without help. On the other hand, I’ve spent a lot of money on coaching, and the whole time my financial situation has only gotten worse, so maybe it really won’t help.
I agreed to coaching at a rate I know I won’t be able to stick with for more than three months because I can’t afford it, and shouldn’t even be doing it. But I feel like if I don’t, I’ll stay stuck and overwhelmed. It’s a huge gamble and another source of stress.
Meanwhile, the coaching services I’ve seen that are for families with children cost $150 an hour. My kid will be dead in the ground before that becomes possible. It’s become an urgent situation. I don’t know where to get help. It’s terrifying.
There are no free or public services. It’s a healthcare issue, not a luxury lifestyle issue. ADHD isn’t some rich person sitting around their house looking for a personal trainer. This is serious stuff.
Therapists are capable of stating up front when they offer a sliding scale. Coaches should do the same. Therapists usually ask for proof of income, so they know you’re not lying – it’s documented. That is standard procedure – not rocket science. They know how low they can go, and that’s as low as they go – but at least they are honest about it, so no one has to wonder, guess, or beg. Many therapists publish exactly what income level correlates to the fee they expect. There is no secrecy, no guesswork, and they don’t arbitrarily impose different rates on different people without their knowledge. It’s all out in the open, as it should be. They can do that presumably because they have taken charge of their own welfare and decided in advance what they’re willing to accept. That way, if they only attract the lowest-income clients by being honest, they already know they can live with the consequences.
Coaches should be trained to provide referrals to public services, which is something competent therapists also can do. They should know if programs exist, and where to find them.
REPORT ABUSESure, I know exactly what you mean. It’s terrible that coaching is prohibitively expensive, and people who could benefit from it can’t afford it. But just in terms of thinking about coaches in private practice, running a business, their fees are what they are. There is something ethically dubious about “helping professions” to begin with.
Presumably they charge what they need to live on – it’s their livelihood, just as it would be for an auto mechanic, accountant, housekeeper, bus driver, chef, or whatever. Can’t blame anyone for that. Some therapists have a “sliding scale” and charge by income level, but I haven’t seen that with coaching.
What I object to is when a coach suggests liquidating your 401K so you can pay them $150 an hour for ten months, and says you’re not sincere if this isn’t a realistic option for you. Extortion tactics and/or bullying are unacceptable. Offer a deal. Don’t dump on people who can’t do it. Etc.
There is cheaper coaching. I personally wouldn’t pay more than $50/hr. no matter what – even if I could afford it. Let’s say a coach talks to three clients per day – when you calculate what they’d be earning per week at that rate, the fees they’d need to charge in order to survive become more obvious.
The ADDCA coach training program costs about $10,000. Those people 1) had money to begin with; 2) were pretty serious about their intentions. Most coaches don’t share their methods – they develop proprietary information as their product to their clients. I wonder if it is even possible to learn the techniques they use without becoming a coach – if you didn’t want to be a coach but just wanted to understand the process for your own use. My guess is that information would be a well-kept secret.
Theoretically, a good coach can help you set up systems and structures to actually take care of business. They can help you identify where you function at your best, and start to build your life around those parameters, rather than trying to improve in areas of weakness. For me it was way more helpful than CBT, although I had a productive experience working with a therapist who also used coaching techniques in a group setting. I didn’t think I was accomplishing much beyond just feeling better about myself, but I acquired some important clues about what kind of career path might be best for me. Didn’t happen over night or even gel mentally for me for a long time.
Theoretically, a good coach could help with the action part. In my experience, having a routine and sticking to it, plus having a “body double” (someone to check in with who is doing the same activity) are both super helpful.
It is hard to find information. I’ve waded around on the web for weeks looking for ways to help my son with his situation, and to help myself cope with it, as the whole thing seems to be spiraling out of control. And there just aren’t any affordable services out there. Coaching is too young a professional for there to be people working in the non-profit sector or at public agencies where low-income people could get access. Typical coaching clientele appears to be solidly middle class. Sort of like college planning – it’s for people who already have everything they need to succeed. Low-income people are disposable, irrelevant, and useless in this universe.
If I were a coach, I’d want to make services available to people who otherwise couldn’t afford it because I think skills identified in coaching are a crucial piece of the ADHD puzzle that could literally save lives, or at least decades of pain and frustration, etc. But like everything else, the market controls who gets what they need. It is an unfair, totally gamed system where people who have something get more, and people who need something get shafted. That’s how our society works.
REPORT ABUSEHave you ever tried to brush your teeth with Clearasil? Not recommended.
REPORT ABUSEOK, I sort of did it. I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets confused and frustrated trying to do simple things like this!
REPORT ABUSEI would, but I can’t figure out how to do it. They make you enter an email contact address. I don’t get it.
But it’s a great idea.
REPORT ABUSEHow did the download work for you? That’s the intimidating part. Does it work? What kind of file is it? How hard is it to open? Where does it go?
I remember a friend a long time ago telling me she had ADHD, as if I knew what that meant. At the time I was like, “Oh, OK.” Didn’t bother me, because I’d never heard of it and had no opinion. Maybe that was for the best? Five years later, I found out I have it too. It’s no accident, I guess, that I tend to bond with other ADHDers without trying. We just sort of find each other. Weird, huh?
But what was my point? Oh, that it’s good to know what it is and to be able to articulate that. And not imagine others will know, because for the most part they don’t. Even at my son’s school where they have a high number of ADHD students, the teachers don’t understand, and still believe kids are being lazy and disrespectful. Doctors don’t know, nobody knows. Information is good.
It is depressing & frustrating when people don’t get it. That’s why I generally don’t bother to tell anyone I have it. After my step-father told me I was delusional and that it was all a drug company conspiracy, I was like yeah, whatever people. Takes too much energy to explain, justify, defend, etc. The type of information I give out on a need-to-know basis.
; )
But when it comes to defending my son and his ADHD issues, I am a rabid wombat.
REPORT ABUSEIt’s possible that teachers who knew a kid had ADHD could project negative attitudes on a kid and negative expectations that the kid would pick up on. But it’s also true that a teacher could not know at all, and completely misinterpret a child’s struggles in school, attributing it to “disrespectful” behavior or low motivation.
Which is my long-winded way of saying I agree with you. There are so many factors that go into school success. What is motivating for one kid could be totally demoralizing or frustrating for another.
I also agree with the idea that communicating that someone is “broken” is not a healthy message, but so often in school, anyone non-conforming is going to be labelled broken no matter what. Whether there’s a diagnosis or not. I was always considered weird and a druggie, despite the fact that I was never on drugs in high school. I’ve been considered a freak all my life, right? And that’s without anyone knowing why they should think that.
Often “experts” seem to have the attitude that what works for them should work for everyone. I seriously doubt that to be the case. Everyone is different. We can’t make generalizations that easily. There may be similarities or parallels to how we function, but each of us is unique and may have very different needs.
The best coaches recognize we need to customize a system that works for us.
I am still stuck on being mad at the people who say if you can’t afford coaching, you’re just not trying hard enough to make money materialize in your bank account that just isn’t there. That’s crazy talk. It’s one thing to not work with someone who can’t afford it – that’s totally fine. It is not okay to dump on someone who can’t afford it or question their sincerity. No excuse for that.
Kind of pathetic that even if I could afford more extensive support, I still wouldn’t be able to get it because the people out there providing these services are bad at their jobs. There should be some sort of code of ethics for these people.
REPORT ABUSEIt’s hard to find out what you’re dealing with – every potential transaction is a risk. The next time someone gives me that condescending, martyr routine “you’re not ready to deal with your ADHD” I’m going to say, “It sounds like you’re just not ready to be helpful.” God, I had the most revolting experience trying to screen an ADHD coach who made me feel so rotten about myself I need fourteen more showers to get that energy off my body. And that is Not Cool.
REPORT ABUSEYou hit the nail on the head. Being told that I’m wrong and they’re right. Comes across like bullying, and I can’t condone that. A huge busybody contingent of the population thinks it’s okay. There is an entire philosophy, lifestyle, and culture built around that attitude. Which involves other people trying to force their values on the rest of us. I will never have anything in common with those people.
I don’t mind differences of opinion. But a clash of values manifesting as judgment and/or coercion never sits well with me. If I’m a good mood, I’m better at listening to control freaks. Even a control freak can be right about some things.
I’d prefer to avoid people who can’t help but broadcast their judgmental attitudes indirectly, through their demonstrated assumptions. You know the kind of person who thinks if you were less emotionally screwed up, you’d also change your political opinions, wardrobe, hair, and your profession? I hate how it feels to be around that kind of energy.
I’ve had some mutually respectful relationships with people I have nothing in common with socially, culturally, religiously, politically, financially, intellectually, or in any other way. But they treated me with respect. They listened. If they thought I was wrong, they did a good job of concealing it, or didn’t feel the need to make it personal.
“Feel good” stuff can be okay, but can also carry a hidden guilt-trip, as in the New Age (aka “newage”) thinking that says you control the universe with your thoughts, therefore if you were just thinking the right thoughts the universe would be better, so if things are bad, it’s your fault because of your bad vibes. If you were a better person, you would have been able to cure yourself of cancer. The cancer you caused by not being happy enough. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Heard it all. That’s why I start retching whenever anyone mentions meditation or mindfulness or visualization. But that’s just my experience.
Anyway, I am now completely off-topic. So…never mind.
If there’s a point, it’s to trust your gut reactions. If someone feels icky, they’re icky for you. Never mind what anyone else thinks.
REPORT ABUSENever heard of him either, but have a feeling that if I listened to him at all, I would instantly despise him. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. LOL.
Quite seriously, I don’t think a motivational speaker has any business addressing the topic of ADHD. No one should be talking about how motivated any of us is to manage our ADHD, or about the type of attitude we should have. No one has the right to judge MY level of commitment, interest, willingness, concern, sincerity, etc.
People who try to do that come across to me as self-serving, manipulative, selfish, toxic, and fundamentally dishonest. Successful people who have ADHD often try to dump these guilt-trips, judgments, and snotty “straighten up and fly right” attitudes on other ADHDers who may be struggling – which suggests to me that they feel insecure or fraudulent about their success.
Others seem to feel fine about making money at the expense of the vulnerable. These are the ones who will tell you you’re not “ready” to deal with your ADHD if you can’t afford expensive services, or they’ll claim their services are expensive because they want “serious” clients , and try to give you some line like if you were serious, you’d pay them money you don’t have. Sleazebags, charlatans, and major league wimps who don’t have the balls to ask for what they need, so they blame other people.
Anyone blathering about motivation is immediately on my list of suspects.
Wow. Don’t get me started, right? Pet peeve.
>:(
REPORT ABUSEYeah. My life has improved since diagnosis only because I’ve stopped blaming myself for being different. It is no longer a moral issue.
Therapy has been of limited value for me. Coaching has been more useful, but also limited. I learned to accept the condition, but haven’t learned much about how to better manage my life. I know I’m smart. I’m sure you are as well. It is not about intelligence, either.
The amount of money needed to pay for support services can be pretty appalling. A lot of people in what I think of as the ADHD Industry are self-serving and manipulative. The economic reality, for many of us who struggle to stay employed and employable, is that we often just can’t pony up hundreds or even thousands of dollars for help.
I checked the ADDCA website for lists of coaches, and was disappointed that there aren’t any who specialize in job counseling. How ironic is that?
Fortunately there are some free ADHD resources around the web. Articles. Attention Talk Radio is good. There are some good books, though a lot of the material is redundant, and as with most books, about 50% filler.
The best advice I have received is to notice when you are at your best, and try to recreate those circumstances as often as possible. As mentioned elsewhere, having embraced my total weirdness, I’ve noticed I’m at my best when I’m writing, so that’s what I’m trying to do more of.
ADHD is a real limitation that won’t change. There is no magic solution. Ending the self-blame is important.
Don’t listen to any “experts” who try to guilt-trip you about where you are with your ADHD, either. A lot of them do it – I find it pretty revolting, actually.
REPORT ABUSEDon’t know if you’ve ever seen “Hyperbole and a Half” – cartoons of Allie Brosh. Some of her stuff is so on target, she just kills me.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
REPORT ABUSEI know what it’s like to hear “you’re so smart, you’re so talented, why don’t you…” hurry up and become some kind of rock star creative person? Because time gets away. Or the mood isn’t there. Or the structures are not there. Or the goal isn’t clear, or the pieces are too overwhelming.
The main reason I’ve come as far as I have with my novel, although I wouldn’t admit it to my writing buddy because that would be weird, is that I have a writing buddy. We exchange emails about our progress a couple of times a week. There is no competition involved – touching base just keeps my mind on what I’m trying to do. Writing a project on this scale is very difficult – a huge challenge, and it’s easy to get discouraged, not only by the work load but also the awareness that even if I succeed, and complete the project, my chances of anyone reading it are extremely remote. I’m doing it because it matters to me. Because it’s more meaningful than watching back-to-back TV reruns. I’m kind of amazed I’m doing it. But I don’t discount the reality that the external structure reinforces my focus. Plus the habit of set work hours – when I gravitate to my computer because that’s when I have a time window, and the pattern has become familiar. (In the past few days, feeling burned out, I’ve slacked off, and regret the time spent goofing around – time I can’t get back – plus the habit gets weak from lack of repetition – it’s too risky to slack off, because the results could be disastrous). In a way, the sense of urgency contributes to keeping me on track – I don’t want to die without finishing this book.
I wish my life meant something. But the feeling of meaninglessness it pretty well tied to the blues in general. Just because I think something, that doesn’t mean it’s true objectively. Or even if it were, if I felt better, I wouldn’t care.
I know what you mean about having talents you feel like you can’t use. I think probably all of us with ADHD can relate to that. What’s the magic key to getting started on a project? It’s good to notice, when you are working, what happened to get you started?
But at the end of the day, you’ve got to be doing stuff because you care about it, not because someone somewhere gave you the message that you should. Whatever projects you do, they won’t inherently make you a better person – they’ll just make you someone who does those projects. So it has to be inherently satisfying.
I don’t know why, exactly, but the idea for my book has been with me since 2005 or 2006. If I didn’t believe in it, I wouldn’t do it.
There is a huge difference between “self-pity” and just feeling down. In our society we’re trained not to complain, not to express fear, doubt, sadness, etc. Many people don’t understand what it means to be depressed, or what it’s like to live with low motivation or a chronic sense of overwhelm, or the feelings of failure or the What Might Have Beens many of us grapple with. It’s good to have at least one person you can be honest with emotionally and not be judged by. I think a lot of what you are feeling is perfectly normal for someone with ADHD. Just know that it doesn’t make you a bad person to feel bad. That’s part of the trick the mind can play when we are down.
I try not to guilt trip myself about feeling bad. Usually that’s a helpful first step toward feeling better. All the guilt and failure messages – that stuff is just crap and static. It serves no purpose. I used to think it would motivate me to straighten up and fly right. But it doesn’t. Resistance tends to increase my frustration. Sometimes it’s best just to let it ride.
REPORT ABUSEI agree with blackdog that it’s probably a good idea to talk to your doctor and find out.
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and just assume that it is part of the ADHD – the “emotional disregulation” part where once a mood gets underway, it’s like a freight train, unstoppable and extremely heavy and potentially destructive.
What I find is that the best thing to do – and this can be difficult, because the obsessive thoughts are LOUD and insistent, and have a kind of gravitational force that traps me until it burns out on its own – is to do ANYTHING – anything at all – to get my mind on something else. Run out in a rainstorm. Watch half a dozen comedies. Put on happy music. Smell a jar of cloves. Some kind of sensory experience that won’t allow me time to think.
Because if I’m in that state, I could spend six hours crying on the floor next to my washing machine. And that’s no fun at all.
My kids didn’t get free school lunch because I forgot to fill out the forms. Or they didn’t get to go on their field trip. Or I didn’t make it to the school on curriculum night and now have no idea what’s going on. I was supposed to plan a cool birthday party and totally screwed it up. I know the feeling. You are not alone.
It’s funny, I used to be an artist. I was a painter. That’s all visual analysis – looking at stuff, adding stuff, mushing it around. But I would go nuts in my studio. I would obsess and talk to myself and cry and rant and pace and generally feel depressed as hell. In the past few years, I’ve shifted my focus to creative writing. What I’ve discovered is that when I’m writing, there’s no room in my hyperactive little mind to obsess about mundane stuff. I’m fully engaged, and all the emotional garbage I go through becomes a resource for emotions on the page – I can actually use that stuff in a constructive way in the lives of the characters in the story.
As a result, when I’m writing, my life feels pretty perfect. When I’m not writing, I go back to nutty squirrel land, and usually in just a matter of days. But my point is, if you can’t fight it or stop, maybe you can transform or channel it into something else.
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