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For what it’s worth, I’ve had episodes of major recurring depression. Some people suggested I might be bi-polar but there is only one pole, so yeah….No. I have a similar experience – something happens with a person, sets me off, I go into freak out / meltdown / depression / misery / giant spasm…and I stay like that for a few days. Can’t get out. Walk it, talk it, sing lullabies. Zip. Just a crummy time. But I know this will happen and I’m better prepared now to seek out a Significant Change of Venue. Music, travel, fresh air, high comedy, whatever it takes. Don’t listen – change the scene, change the channel. It will pass. I used to read A LOT into other people’s behavior, but eventually figured out I have no clue, so why bother?
I live in the Pac NW, also, and I’ve been here 20 years and am super sick of the oppressive, dank, moody, mossy, moldy darkness. Arizona sounds great, round about now.
REPORT ABUSEI know what you mean about the contrast with Afghanistan, keeping things in perspective. I also know how emotions can take on a life of their own and fill the entire universe with all-consuming waves of annihilation, degradation, shame, misery, and chaos.
Hate when that happens.
The little things, like forgetting stuff – I write that off as just a typical part of my ADHD. I don’t judge myself for those lapses. They can be inconvenient (like the day I left my car running in the grocery story parking lot while I was shopping, or the day I set my kitchen on fire.) The consequences are usually not that great.
Bigger consequences show up in missing important events. Promising to do stuff for my kids that I either forget about or fail to get around to doing. Forgetting to take the time to talk to the people I live with. What was your name again, dear?
I’ve come to accept the fact that I really can’t rely on myself to manage daily tasks. I need props, a wall full of reminders, other people, a buddy, a system, a routine, ways that help me put the critical tasks on autopilot, and reinforce patterns.
The Social Awkwardness factor is a problem. Trying to connect results in failure, humiliation, embarrassment, shame, etc. I say awkward things, I say the wrong thing, I offend people. Or they say things that infuriate me and I can’t contain my reaction. I become belligerent. People exhaust and irritate me. I space out and can’t remember their names. Or don’t understand what they’re talking about. Or they bore the hell out of me, and I can barely force myself to pretend to listen. I know that no matter what, these things will happen. It’s not a question. It’s guaranteed. Every time.
I don’t remember birthdays. I don’t celebrate holidays. I don’t host parties or events. I don’t volunteer. I don’t invite people over. I don’t send birthday or greeting cards, so I don’t worry about forgetting to send them. I don’t join groups. I don’t take classes. I avoid crowds and religious gatherings. That stuff never works for me. It never has, and it never will. I’ve written it off entirely.
Because I’m a natural introvert, I’m sort of okay with that. I’d rather be alone, working on my writing, reading books, watching movies, connecting where I can – preferably through writing or one-on-one in small doses – two hours visiting tops. Phones are bad. I don’t do phone calls unless there’s no alternative.
But although I haven’t changed – I still function more or less the same way as ever – the meaning I assign to my peculiarities has changed. Other people can view me as a crummy person and say rotten things about me when I leave the room and after I’m dead. I’m barely known as it is, and will not be remembered or missed. I know this – but since I can’t change, I decided to let go.
I respect my own comfort zone. I accept my limitations – where and when I can function well, and the circumstances where, despite my best efforts or intentions, that just isn’t going to happen. I accept that this is who I am. It’s part of my ADHD.
If there were something I absolutely had to do – had no choice but overcome some of these obstacles to make something critical happen – I would marshal any and all external resources and try to build in supports. I would not expect myself to be able to rise the occasion. I’ve failed so many times, I know I can’t do it. Better to go in with my eyes wide open, knowing I’m impaired, having arranged in advance every support I can think of, and keep my expectations low. But if I don’t have to, there’s no reason to expend that kind of energy. When the stakes are high enough, okay. I compensate for a lack of social life with a rich creative life.
So, my suggestion is: Know yourself. Know how, when, and where things work for you. Accept it. Work around it. Don’t bother to feel guilty about it. Don’t make it a moral issue. Don’t let it define you globally as a human being. Make the most of your strengths, and try to put yourself in situations where you can maximize them. Whatever you’ve got, embrace it, work with it, go with it. Honor it. My guess is you have a lot.
REPORT ABUSEI kind of had an epiphany about the Non-Believers. I’ve said it before – people don’t like any suggestion that human beings don’t have complete Free Will. But I’ve just realized WHY – what’s that about? It’s about a deeply embedded survival instinct. The world is a frightening place. People want to believe they have control over their environment and their destiny. They need to believe it, or they’d be too terrified to live.
When an ADHDer comes along and doesn’t have the degree of control people expect – when willpower fails – neurotypicals panic. To deny willpower is an outrage because it threatens their core, essential conviction that anyone can, through sheer determination, informed by moral principles, overcome obstacles and gain mastery over their lives.
The more deeply someone is convinced that people get what they deserve in life, the more they are threatened by others with invisible differences. They don’t want anyone to be let off the hook when they think they are fighting the good fight. When they mistakenly believe their perceptions of reality ARE reality. They don’t want to allow themselves an inkling that they might not have as much control as they need to believe they do.
No one wants to believe their destiny rests on luck or chance. No one wants to be the victim of circumstances. It’s too scary.
And I think a lot of us probably have doubts about ADHD for the same reasons.
As the child of a schizophrenic, I learned very early that some people have more free will than others. That life isn’t fair. Bad things – really bad things – happen to people who don’t deserve it. Hard work and being a good person are no guarantee of success. Justice is far from given – the exception, not the rule. I’ve also lived with the kind of depression where nothing much matters, where every effort seems futile – where life itself is a pointless exercise.
But a lot of people out there can’t handle that. It scares the living daylights out of them. Fear turns to anger and lashing out. They are not equipped to cope. They want to live in an orderly world where right and wrong are clearly defined, and things happen for a reason.
That just hasn’t been my experience, so when questions about free will come up, I tend to be pretty flexible in my expectations of others – what we can reasonably expect someone with certain abilities, in a given environment, to actually be capable of. Do things happen for a reason? All I know is, things happen that I don’t understand now, and will never understand, and can’t control. If I’m lucky, I can control a small corner of my own private universe. I don’t imagine my abilities or limitations extend to everyone. But most people do.
Just a theory.
REPORT ABUSEMy experience with Concerta was that it worked for a few years, and then stopped working. So I stopped taking it. And my situation deteriorated. After a couple of years off the medication, I have recently started taking it again – and now it works again, noticeably.
Some people work with their doctors to try different drugs, but it can be time-consuming and frustrating. You might check the Attention Talk Radio archives for discussions about medication, dosages, types, etc. It’s a good resource.
Other than that, if the medication is not working, some alternatives include regular aerobic exercise, and a high-protein, low-carb diet, which are usually good lifestyle strategies for anyone. I’ve noticed those are changes that can really boost my overall functioning.
You might also consider how his day could be structured to leverage his peak hours (for example, scheduling the most challenging classes at his best time, and/or sandwiching low-interest activities between high-interest ones, so that some of the mental energy and momentum from the high-interest stuff might leak over into the low-interest areas.)
I know this is tough stuff, as I’m currently watching my ADHD son flunk out of high school due to his refusal to admit he has ADHD, take medication, show up for class, or do any homework at all. Somehow the message “Gee honey, you’re really impaired. What can we do to fix you?” is not quite working for me. I understand the stress and fear around this issue.
Shorter, more frequent school assignments, or smaller class sizes might help if those are options.
There are a number of coaching resources out there, although most of them are pricey. The Edge Foundation is one. ADDCA may list coaches who work with kids transitioning from high school to college.
One key concept I have heard many times is to try to notice when and where he is at his best, and try to find a common thread between those situations and other things he has to do.
REPORT ABUSEAnother thought, related to what kc5jck is saying, is I wonder if the student himself might be able to help teach other students. He would then be able to talk, walk around, interact, and probably solidify his own learning by teaching. Or write papers with the goal of using them as instructional materials.
Sometimes people with ADHD are happy to have the opportunity to be useful or to contribute. Maybe this guy would welcome the chance to “help out” – and that would force him to think more deeply and carefully about the material.
REPORT ABUSEI am so glad Rick is doing this webinar. It’s happening right when I leave work, don’t know if I can make it, but definitely want to hear it.
Yesterday there was an article on MSN claiming 1 in 10 children is diagnosed with ADHD in the U.S. The vitriolic response blew my mind. The article itself was fluffy and a little sensational – it’s not like the media tries to be accurate or informative. But the response? Wow.
All kinds of attacks from people who say ADHD is the result of bad parenting, and how back in their day, parents just used “the belt” to “cure” their kids of ADHD, and it’s just an excuse for bad behavior and poor manners, invented by evil drug companies who are brain-washing stupid parents into believing their children have a disorder, and helping teachers and parents avoid responsibility for doing their jobs and/or vaccines are poisoning our children and leading to autism disorders.
Apparently, we’re all brainwashed, imagining the whole thing, or trying to use it to get away with murder. Not to mention addicted to ADHD medication, which is so much like crack cocaine it’s not even funny.
Never mind that some of don’t even use medication. Or did fine in school. Or were never behavior problems to anyone but ourselves.
It was kind of appalling.
People are right to be skeptical. I’ve been skeptical. But at certain point, you would think an honest search for information ought to trump kneejerk hostility.
Right?
REPORT ABUSEYeah, I think the high-IQ factor has a lot to do with it. I’m not going to brag about how smart I am (although I’d like to) but I think my ability to size up the essentials of a situation helped me a lot.
On the other hand, my husband’s IQ is 156. He’s smarter than I am – but did lousy in school because he “didn’t apply himself” – getting Cs until his senior year of high school when he decided to make an effort. And then in college came very close to graduating at the top of his class. So motivation clearly has a lot to do with academic success – but how do you create that level of motivation where it doesn’t exist?
REPORT ABUSEI did fine in school. I was never a math whiz, and still can’t do basic arithmetic, but I got almost straight A’s the entire time. In high school I took a lot of art classes, and majored in art in college, and later studied graphic design. My GPA was 3.6-something or 3.8-something, I don’t remember. There’s probably a connection between my level of interest and the degree to which I was successful and the subject matter of the classes I took, but even in elementary school, I was OK.
I do remember, before getting the diagnosis, how frustrated I was by not being able to concentrate on the reading. I’d have to read the same text over and over. At the time, I thought it was because of depression. Finally I figured out that if I skipped the reading entirely and just listened to the instructor and took really good notes, everything said in class would be on the tests. I memorized my notes and performed well on exams without ever actually learning anything. It’s pretty amazing, actually, how well someone can do in school if they test well.
REPORT ABUSEI’m looking forward to Rick’s webinar.
I have the same question – but only because I need a brief, scientific definition I can put on my son’s IEP with the school district – which must be objective sounding, with some kind of factual support.
For myself, I don’t tell people, because I know they don’t understand, and it’s not their job to understand me. It’s my job to understand myself and engineer my life so I can take care of myself and my family. Self-knowledge is a big part of it, and the skill of observation about how I function at my best is a skill that I’ve developed a little bit over time, through coaching, a support group, reading about the disorder, listening to others who have it, etc.
The main problem there being that most support services are very expensive, and it’s hard when in a financially precarious situation to gamble with money I don’t have on the off chance that the services I’m paying for will actually help.
REPORT ABUSE@kc5jck: That’s a good one. Love it.
Hey, you guys. Have you heard of Allie Brosh? The woman who created “Hyperbole and a Half”? I don’t know if she has ADHD, but she writes as though she has ADHD and depression. She does these cartoon/anecdote things that have had me laughing so hard I thought I might pass out. Anyway, she has a book out now by the same title, which is a collection of stuff she posted on her website (you can probably Google her) – I highly recommend the book to those in search of comic relief. It is so on target.
REPORT ABUSESo, here is a question, because I think you raise an interesting point.
You’re completely right, as far as nobody choosing the situation. I wish there were another model for learning.
You mentioned – maybe on another thread – and I’m not sure I have this right, but I think you said something to the effect that for a long time you didn’t know you had ADHD, and maybe it was your mother who tried to tell you about it, but you weren’t hearing it? Did I get that right?
Anyway, part of the challenge in our situation is that my son doesn’t want to hear a single word about ADHD. He thinks he doesn’t have it. He thinks nothing the school does will make a difference in his learning. I’m stressed out because if he doesn’t acknowledge he has it, how is he going to get help for it? I can’t force him to accept help – all I can do is try to slip in some help around the edges without telling him. And I kind of suspect that his refusal to learn about it is itself a manifestation of ADHD. He doesn’t understand how it affects him. He thinks he should “try harder” in school. He thinks he’s “not motivated.” He thinks he “can’t concentrate.” Um, yeah. And why is that? He doesn’t want to hear why. He won’t take medication or cooperate with me at all around his IEP stuff. He doesn’t do homework, and half the time doesn’t even attend his classes. I’m watching a disaster unfold that I feel powerless to stop.
What would you say to someone who is totally in denial about ADHD?
REPORT ABUSEThe original post from 2012 is amazing. I identify with most of it. My quest for “spirituality” led me to a study of Jewish ethics (which I helped write a book about). Most of which is not about “faith” in an abstract Being, but practical application of basically just being kind, honest in your emotional and financial life, altruistic in general, etc. The core values that draw people to religion.
There’s a lot of guilt in religion, and an enormous amount of hypocrisy – which causes me to feel that the most “spiritual” people are often secular humanists who are at least not putting on a false front about who they are. They don’t pretend to perfection or try to force those standards on others.
Making a long story short, after a lot of searching and trying to become more perfect, I have come to a place where I feel like my ticket to a meaningful life comes from my creative projects. I’m not sure how I feel about the concept of “god” but clearly there is a creative force that brought the universe into existence and causes life on this planet, at least, to perpetuate itself (without our help, intervention, or will) – a force that preceded us as a species and will continue long after humanity falls into extinction. Anyone can tap into awareness of that energy, what some call “the numinous.” Some people get it from time spent in natural surroundings. Some people get it from loving relationships, or meditation, art, music, gardening, or what have you.
I read a book that basically says the self is mutable and susceptible to environmental influence – even in “neurotypicals” – we are more products of our environment than is typically believed, more open to influence than we might think – which flies in the face of the concept of “free will” – we have choices, but within a narrower range than we might guess. And we are all interdependent.
I’ve always felt different. And I’ve always asked “Why?” – Why are we here, what’s the purpose of all this? I didn’t sign up to be alive in this world. But what can you do? Other than decide how to spend your time, now that you are here. I spend my time writing.
REPORT ABUSEA round of kumbaya, then?
But yes, I agree: I am caring, sensitive, and nurturing – at least on a good day, when I’m not in orbit around Pluto. Thanks for noticing.
😉
I agree – most people don’t expect it, and it is a “no news is good news” type of world. But you never know how much you can lift someone up with a simple gesture, and it is contagious. We’re hard-wired for danger, mayhem, and emergency. It takes conscious effort to go a different way.
Look at this way: Life is richer with a juxtaposition of opposites. We are immersed in negatives most of the time, which makes minor positives stand out more, and gives both ends of the spectrum more depth. (Was that profound? I just made that up).
REPORT ABUSEIf I were determined enough, I could slog back into a random psychiatrist’s office, pay the $30 co-pay I would deeply resent because I can’t afford it, be annoyed talking to a doctor who’d probably be a robotic slice of Wonderbread (mixed metaphor?)…and then pay I don’t know how much for a bunch of pills that wouldn’t work, and then repeat that whole cycle a few times until I found something that wasn’t quite right but was sort of okay maybe, meanwhile having subjected myself to bouts of medication-induced nuttiness. Not sure it’s worth it. But I know more now than I knew when I was diagnosed.
On the bright side, I get into hyper-focus whenever I work on the book I’m writing – usually at least fifteen hours a week, sometimes thirty or forty. When I’m working, I feel good. Plus, there is carry-over of that energy during times when I’m not working.
But now I have been away from my writing for a couple of weeks, I’m having more problems again with mood, sleep, and energy. Weird, huh?
REPORT ABUSEWow. Thanks for this post. That was fantastic.
I identify so strongly with what you’re saying. I had problems with depression for years, too, and nothing helped besides medication. But I was on anti-depressants for at least a decade before I got the ADHD diagnosis. When I started ADHD meds, I was instantly much calmer, happier, and able to talk to people.
About a year or so ago…I don’t remember…I stopped taking the meds because they made me feel poisoned and just didn’t seem to be working. So I gave up. I tried again. It was awful. I felt crazy and sick, and had huge mood swings with a drug that had worked for me before. I’ve been off meds for a while now. It’s kind of frightening to muck around trying new ones, because they all have side-effects. Anything that affects mood could be dangerous for me.
I miss that first positive experience with Concerta. Wellbutrin was bad. Ritalin was a disaster. Everyone’s different with meds. I wish it were that easy again – I’m just really leery of having a bad experience. Plus, my HMO is sleazy, and my psychiatrist, who is the only cool person there, is leaving (probably because she’s the only cool person there).
But anyway, I appreciate what you’re saying in general – it is hard to be objective with this disorder. I believed I had it when I saw how much difference the meds made.
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