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@blackdog, I found it so hard to read what you’ve written because I’ve been there myself. And though my story is different the emotions you are experiencing are familiar to everyone of us I suspect. Regret. Anger. Despair. Glimmers of Hope. Then waves of hopelessness. Frustration. Exhaustion. One step forward and two steps back. A feeling that nothing is getting better… even though others around you may see improvement. And even dismissing every step forward as a fluke or no big deal. Or not enough. Not meaningful. Nothing to be proud of.
When this happens to me there is only one way out. Getting out of my head. Speaking it aloud to my coach, or my wife, or even just doing what you’re doing and writing it down. And then taking apart each sentence I’ve written, questioning whether it is in fact the immutable truth, or could there be a better explanation, or a better perspective.
I wonder also if there isn’t a streak of idealism and perfectionism in most ADHD folks, and whens something doesn’t work out exactly as we imagined, we deem it a failure, or rather, we deem ourselves as failures. For a long time I could barely stand to watch a lot of the television shows I made because they were never as good as I’d hoped. Or if something really did work, it only made me think, “Why couldn’t it have all been as good as that? I should have tried harder. Or planned better. Or done another draft of the script…”
I do know that when I worry alone it gets worse and worse and worse. When I can speak it aloud even to myself, it sounds different. And when I speak it to a good coach or therapist who doesn’t try to convince me that, “Hey, it’s not the end of the world. Look at the bright side,” but instead gets that, “I can see this is really upsetting you,” which is true, then I’m willing or able to see that while it’s true that I REALLY am feeling despondent, the thoughts that lead me to this feeling may not be true. They may just be an interpretation based on a lifetime of seeing the glass half empty, of trying to measure up and be like everyone else, and having these lofty goals and ambitions which are find and dandy, but which make me miserable.
Dunno if any of this helps. But I’m really glad you found the courage to share your thoughts. You did a very good thing here. And I know thousands of people will read your post and hear themselves.
Please keep us posted.
Best
Rick
REPORT ABUSEJanuary 20, 2015 at 9:52 am in reply to: My ADDventurous Alter Ego – Why Can't I Be That Awesome Girl? #126473So, here’s my thought on this. Human beings never really achieve their full potential. Because we don’t know what any one person’s potential is. Unlike a chore like shovelling snow from the driveway, with a clear, measurable, conclusion that everyone can agree on, “Yes, that driveway is now shovelled,” a human life is constant change and growth.
Even just growing old.
So perhaps what you’re really asking, and struggling with, is the question of, “How can I build new habits and change my patterns so that I can move towards my goals faster.”
And that’s a whole different issue.
The funny thing is, we have a webinar tonight, February 20th, 2015, with Dr. Russell Ramsay about this very issue. About knowing what you want to do and not doing it.
By the way, about two months ago I realized that by doing the Crossword Puzzle and Sudoku first thing in the morning, over breakfast, took longer than just eating breakfast… thus using up the part of the day when I’m most alert… but also using up brainpower and mental energy which might be better served getting my work done. So I decided to do the puzzles at the end of the day, to unwind.
Great decision, right? Great insight. Good awareness.
And yet, every morning, I still do the Crossword and Sudoku.
And then think, ‘Darn, I’ve used up 15 minutes of my morning. I was going to do this at night. Why didn’t I do that? What’s wrong with me?’
And the short answer is, unless I don’t get the paper until after breakfast, or let my wife get it, and instead sit with my to-do list as I’m having breakfast, or read a book, or, well, make physical changes that interrupt my pattern… the pattern will keep winning.
REPORT ABUSEJanuary 19, 2015 at 4:40 pm in reply to: My ADDiction to TV – I Love It, But It Doesn't Love Me Back. Help!!! #126472Oh, I know this one. For more and more people it’s the Internet, not TV, but it’s the same thing.
TV is a tricky thing. Since I have been making TV shows for the past 30 years I know they are addicting. Real life can’t compete with a half hour or hour that was created by a dozen writers, hundreds of creative people, and then honed into a seamless gem.
Constant surprises and laughs and plot twists give you endless jolts of dopamine.
Dunno if you saw this headline, but one of the writers of the series Lost admitted they had no idea what it all meant or how it was all supposed to fit together. They just kept thinking up one zany idea after another. “What’s the most bizarre or unexpected thing we can do.”
I pictured all those regular viewers who spent all those hours watching, and then debating what it all meant, trying to figure it out… What a waste. Can you sue someone to get 200 hours of your life back? Ha.
Oh and another study found that 50% of what is reported on Fox News is false. Not only no payoff, but actually misleading. Wow.
By the way, a study done some years ago found that every hour of TV lowered your happiness & satisfaction by 3%. Watch three hours a night, and you’re down almost 10%.
One brilliant suggestion: hide the remote. You wanna change channels, you have to get up. And you can’t go surfing, trying to find something worth watching. Every time we visit one of my elderly relatives she has the TV on. And she always says, “Nothing good on. Never is.” And yet the TV is always on.
Get rid of the PVR. And then as Lailamoon pointed out, you have to sit through commercials, or get up and do something.
Another suggestion: Only turn it on for a program you want to see. If you flop down after dinner, beat, and go searching… maybe there’s a book you could try instead.
Another suggestion: If you do sit down to unwind watching a show you like, turn it off when it’s done. If you don’t have the willpower put a timer on the TV, like you have for switching lights on and off when you’re not home. So when the show is over, the TV goes off.
Another suggestion: do something while you’re watching TV. The perfect opportunity to do something somewhat mindless like sort receipts, sign bills, or have it on in the TV and make healthy pots of food that you can divide up into containers, freeze, and have healthy meals.
REPORT ABUSESome awesome posts here. I do get that everyone’s experience is different. But I also know that medication alone doesn’t make real change happen. Today I took my tablet, first thing, but then as I sat down to work on my upcoming one-man comedy show I was stuck. I have 4 more weeks to finish the show rehearse it, and create all the audio-visual stuff to go with it. I decided to organize myself, finalize the order of the show this week, fine tune the dialogue… okay, the monologue… next week, then a week doing the audio and video stuff, and the final week would be rehearsal.
Sensible and organized.
And two hours went by with me getting almost nothing done.
Then I realized something I already know but keep forgetting. I have ADHD, and trying to create in a linear, logical, scheduled, timed out manner DOES NOT WORK! So I just started doing a bit of one section, then dashed off a whole bunch of ideas for another section, then had a great one-liner for another section, which turned into a whole lot of script, then I started a list of clips I’d like to include… I was all over the place, and in a few hours have gotten a ton done.
The breakthrough wasn’t the medication. But now it’s mid-afternoon and rather than burned out, I still have some energy and I’m still going. The productivity breakthrough came because I switched from trying to do things the way most people would, and did them the way that works for me.
What kills me though is that I completely forget how I work and what makes me productive… and instead I try and plan, organize, structure, and so on, because it seems sensible and logical. But it kills my creativity and spontaneity.
Okay, back to work, Rick.
REPORT ABUSEThis is a great question. I know that the new technologies (which are actually not that new any more) such as MRIs and PET scans are allowing scientists to see what’s happening in real time.
In talking with so many experts for our videos, I’ve learned there are differences, but the actual differences in architecture are not huge. And they are a matter of degree. Just as women are, on average, shorter than men, there are still plenty of women who are taller than plenty of men.
As for what the problem is, there are a number of explanations or models. One suggests our brains are kind of asleep. Another suggests we are reward deprived. In other words, what most people find exciting, interesting, thrilling, etc.. doesn’t quite give us the same pay off. A number of doctors have told me it’s less about architecture and more about the various parts of the brain being out of sync, not working together efficiently. And that’s because the pre-frontal cortex, right behind your forehead, isn’t working as well.
And the pre-frontal cortex does what is called ‘executive functions’. And if you think of the top executives at a company, well, what do they do:
Planning.
Keeping things moving forward.
Prioritizing.
Organizing.
Scheduling.
Estimating and coordinating.
Setting goals and making sure everyone stays focussed on the goal and doesn’t get distracted onto side projects or dead ends.
Calculating the costs and benefits of taking risks.
Learning from experience.
Managing projects which have many steps.
Long range planning.
And so on.
For myself, I do really well when I’m not the one in charge of keeping track of things or tracking what needs to be done next. I’ve made hundreds of television programs, but the person who makes it happen on time and on budget is the Production Manager. They tell me what needs doing next, and I go do it.
REPORT ABUSEI can’t tell you how many experts have told us that exercise is hugely helpful for kids or adults with ADHD. In fact, a lot of Olympic and professional athletes only realized they had a problem with ADHD when they retired from their sport, or were injured and couldn’t play any more.
In fact a day or two ago I saw another headline about swimmer Michael Phelps, the ADHD poster boy, being arrested for some kind of drug offence.
Dr. John Ratey, who appears in a number of our videos, wrote a book called ‘Spark’ that addresses this head on. So any sport that a person loves and doesn’t have to be nagged to practice… is going to be helpful.
REPORT ABUSEYes Larnyxa has great advice.
We also have a video on being overly sensitive to sight, sound, touch, etc. As well as overly emotional and overly sensitive to others. It’s not an issue I thought much about when I was first diagnosed. Recently I realized, “This is why I don’t like beaches. The feel of the sand drives me nuts.”
http://totallyaddshop.com/products/adhd-emotional-sensitivity#.VKXLtktHE8M
By the way, for Christmas my wife gave me a day at a spa. It’ll be interesting. I think mentally preparing myself will be wise… Tee Hee.
REPORT ABUSEJanuary 1, 2015 at 5:33 pm in reply to: Nerw to this forum. I just got my diagnosis yesterday. #126375WOW! I remember when I was first diagnosed, and took home the little container of ADHD medications… it took my 5 days to work up the courage to try. And for 3 days I took half pills. Of a very low dose.
Finally, frustrated that I wasn’t noticing any difference, I took a day off from writing The Red Green Show and challenged myself to see if I could actually get some of my back taxes done. The paperwork I mean. At the end of the day I had finished a years worth of paperwork, something that I hadn’t been able to do for… well, a year. And for pretty much every year before that.
The joke is, I figured that was it, but of course pills don’t build skills. So because I didn’t put any structure in place, with a spot for bills, and tax forms, and receipts… well, a year later I was a year behind again. Eventually my wife suggested… okay, after 10 years of begging me to trust her… I let her accountant do my taxes. He charged less than I was paying in fines, and saved me hours of angst.
Anyway, excited to hear how it goes. What you are going through is something every one of us has experienced. My only suggestion is that you warn your husband that things may change and everything will be new… you’ll be finding out who you are, and he’ll be having to dance with a new partner.
Gina Pera’s book, Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD?” is a great read. And our video, “Living With ADHD” has some solid advice from great experts. Including Gina herself. We interviewed her at her house when we visited San Francisco.
http://totallyaddshop.com/products/living-with-adhd#.VKXKwEtHE8P
It’s available as a separate video or as part of the Comprehensive Guide.
Good luck!
REPORT ABUSEI had a friend who loved skiing. She did okay in school. But she loved skiing.
Did I mention she loved skiing?
After school guess what she did? She taught skiing at a local ski school.
All through senior high. And as she learned about skiing and saw how the Ski School was run. She noticed what worked and what didn’t. She worked at another ski school for a while. Then she opened her own ski school. Then another. Later, frustrated by the quality of ski wear she started a store that sold winter wear. And summer wear in the summer. Eventually she had a chain of 20 outdoor clothing stores.
I’m not suggesting you aim to start a huge chain of stores. I am suggesting you figure out what it is you’d do if you were wealthy and didn’t have to work. Then figure out how to turn that into a career.
I know a Flight Attendant who LOVES to travel. She told me, “This summer I’m basically getting paid to see Europe. She works hard. She works odd hours. But she loves it.
I was making comedy films on 8mm film when I was 16. Then I went to university so I could get a real job. Studied physics. Ended up doing comedy films on TV for a living.
REPORT ABUSEA quick note to let you know that Elaine is one of the 15 ADHD experts on our brand new video ‘Who You Are Is Awesome’ which is on sale now in our shop. A powerful program with Patrick McKenna.
http://totallyaddshop.com/products/who-you-are-is-awesome#.VFP6xUsX48N
It’s terrific stuff.
REPORT ABUSEThis is so common. I didn’t realize this aspect of myself until fairly recently, despite having been diagnosed over a decade ago.
But I started to notice that when we went to a noisy restaurant I had trouble following conversations. If it was a sports bar with TV’s on, well, of course I was gone. But I was also hearing about 30% of a conversation at the next table, 20 % from another table, and perhaps 50% of what was being said at our table.
It’s all about Executive Function. What you are paying attention to. What your mind is focussing on and what other stuff it is ignoring. It can be with ideas and thoughts, and tasks we should be doing or at least sticking with… but it can also be emotions that are all over the place. And it can be overly sensitive to sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and even tactile stuff.
In our video on Oversensitivity and Emotion Terry Matlen, who is doing a webinar with us later this year, talks about how certain fabrics drive her nuts. And how she cannot have a conversation with someone if there are other conversations going on around her.
The solution? Well, for me, I avoid noisy restaurants. If there are TV’s I don’t face them. And Terry talks about asking the person she is talking to, “Why don’t we step into that room to talk, it’s quieter and it will be easier for us to chat.”
Another thing I’ve noticed is that I don’t like beaches. Why? The wet sand drives me nuts. My skin gets too activated. Certain smells. Certain tastes or textures of food. All of these can be overwhelming.
REPORT ABUSELove it. A kaleidoscope of thoughts.
I often have to speak things aloud so that I can figure out what I’m thinking. I discovered it means I’m a verbal processor.
I say it aloud. Some people have to read it. Some have to hear it. Some have to see it done. Some have to do it themselves…
REPORT ABUSEUnbelievable. This is what breaks my heart. And what fuels what we do.
Welcome to this site. You will find support and way better feedback that you got from that person.
Incredible. Keep fighting for your child. And keep us posted.
REPORT ABUSEWelcome indeed. Keep sharing. And just as important, if not more so, read what others are posting. When you start to hear what others are going through and dealing with, it will give you perspective and reassure you that you are NOT alone. And that you are not WEIRD. And that EVERYONE struggles with this mindset as they try to figure it out.
The thing that keeps coming up for me is that 14 years after my diagnosis I still have bad days. And then I think, yeah, but before the diagnosis I had way more bad days. Or bad weeks. Or bad months…
The clutter is a big one. I still have so much stuff to toss. And it will only happen when I decide, “I could get to this one day… but on the other hand, when that day comes, would I want to spend it working on this… or doing something else, being with friends, spending time with my wife, seeing my kids, and so on and so on.
REPORT ABUSEHighly recommend showing them ADD & Loving It?! That documentary changes people’s opinions so quickly. Two weeks ago an ADHD coach wrote to Ava and told her that she shows clips from the film to clients who are stuck in denial, fear, doubt, or simply, “What can I do at my age.” She told us that the short clips break the logjam and people get it, and they get the freedom to take it on, or to accept that their loved one does indeed have a real disorder.
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