[allan wallace]

Wow! Another reply!!!! 😆 If I’m being too annoying by posting too often would one of you mind please just gently nudge me and ask me to ‘cool it’ a bit. I won’t mind in the least! Yeah, sex is just sex to me. Like brushing my teeth, or going to the toilet. Something that people just do. No biggy. I do like to ‘get jiggy with it’ when I’m in the mood, but find people’s lack of libido puzzling. People are so damn, well conventional, and I like to be very playful and naughty lol….I was so bored with sex that I thought that I might be gay and in my mind I had resolved to give it a try if I met a bloke that I was attracted to, but I wasn’t, for I genuinely find men repelling. They’re noisy and smelly, boring, and usually like to talk about their boring jobs, or stupid cars. So I realised very quickly that I’m heterosexual, but just jaded with sex, that’s all. By my mid tewnties I’d slept with so many that I couldn’t possibly put a number on it, and I don’t say that as if to boast, absolutely not, getting laid was one thing that came easily to me. Maybe too easily, because I could have had so much more if I’d had the inclination…I have tried to think what it might have been that persuaded me to get rompy, and I think that it might just have been the challenge to get girls to do and say things that they would usually be too embarrassed to do or say with other people. I dunno, I’m just a fruit loop I suppose…my wife has put up with me for nearly 20 years all up, and we did some crazy stuff, especially early on, that she feels lingering shame for. I don’t understand why that’s the case, but I’m going to try and learn what a loving husband is supposed to do so that she isn’t scared to get jiggy with me ….I say stuff and she gets really mad over that silly nonsense, but oh well, it’s weird. Like when I met her in a nightclub her job at the time was as a stripper, and I thought that that was pretty cool. I never went to the stripclubs because I saw that as kind of creepy. Yes, I’m a bit of a prude in many ways. On the few occasions that I’ve plucked up the courage to go into a sex shop to buy stuff for example, I always felt embarrassed and a bit ashamed, and cringed at the possibility of ever running into somebody that I might have known….okay, getting lost in a tangle of tangents now, and I’ve forgotten what I was posting about in the first place, so I’ll piss off now. I’m not as nutty as my posts might suggest! *runs away*

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[allan wallace]

Thanks ‘saywhat’! Yeah, I’m still on a high from last week. I anticipated the usual boring humdrum procedures which is why in retrospect I think that I procrastinated about it for so long, but it was so much easier than I thought it would be! I also forgot to add my other achievements from last week!!! I joined this forum, I have arranged to join a support group (I’m off to my first meeting shortly) and I stopped gambling a few weeks ago. Trying to spend less time online is my next big thing as I’m addicted to 3 minute games of internet scrabble, and if I don’t get my daily fix I get very irritable….wow, last week really was a Mt. Everest moment for me, and I’m going to savour it for a long long time. Usually I fuck everything up and don’t complete things once started, but I saw that back thing through to it’s bitter end. Only a procrastinator can truly know what it feels like to see something through for once, and man, it feels good!!!!!

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[allan wallace]

Fantastic stuff! So used to derision and scorn, so nice to read about encouragement and victories!

Last week was the most productive week that I’ve ever had! Doctors appointments, on time on the right days, and a CT scan! Add to that dishes done every day, as well as hoovering, and washing and hanging out two loads of clothes! Today I’ll maybe map out a ‘to-do’ list for the week ahead! Sir Edmund Hilary couldn’t have felt prouder than I do at the moment

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[allan wallace]

Goodness, more replies! I thought that I had overstyed my welcome! Well, Saywhat, you’re right! These last few weeks have seen me more determind to understand myself better, and last week was the most productive week that I’ve ever had in my life. I did the housework every day. I went to a doctor about my back injury that I’d been procrastinating about since 1989. I went for my CT scan, and BACK to the doctor, on the right day at the right time and got the results! Just knowing that I’d finally done something that I’ve been intending to do for over 20 years made me feel like I’d conquered Everest in my own way….my wife couldn’t understand why I was unusually happy on Friday night and when I told her she looked at me and said ‘so what?’ We did end up fighting a bit, but I told her that she wasn’t stealing my victory, and that I’m not aiming for mediocrity anymore, and she’d better get used to me feeling triumphant for a change. I’m sick and tired of being and feeling like a loser all of the time!

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[allan wallace]

Yikes, I type too fast….as I was saying, I knew that it’d be too late to go to my place anyway, so I thought that we’d just spend the day doing whatever took our fancy! We had an icecream, we laughed some more, we shared secrets, we held hands, we hugged, we walked around a graveyard crying for the departed, we laughed at the bores who looked upon us with horror, and we basically spent a whole day walking around having childlike fun. There was never even the remotest suggestion or hint that we ought to consumate our new friendship, for that would have somehow polluted something so pure and rare. As it got dark we knew that our day was ending and we wept together at our sadness that it had to end. I was in trouble with my gf and buddies for disappearing and not getting the stuff back to them, and she’d be in trouble by her pimp for disappearing with a known sleazebag for a whole day. It was one of the best days of my life. I had connected with somebody on such a level that the thought of grubby sex did not even enter our minds. If only i could re-live that day once a year I’d be a happy man!

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[allan wallace]

Wow! Thanks for replying to my posts, I was beginning to think that I was having my usual effect on people; annoying them! 😆

Intimacy is something that I do in fact crave, but don’t attain. Sex is utterly boring to me, and once it’s over, secretly disgusts me, but that’s another topic in itself. I’ll share a couple of anedotes…when I was about 17 I met a girl a few years older. My mates and I would often go into the city at night by tram in Melbourne, and on the second time after seing two punks (loud mohawk haircuts, zippers everywhere etc. I challenged the bloke to hop off the tram with me and have a scuffle for he kept glaring at me. I assured him that I’d be alone and as I got up to get off he bolted! I was so shocked I just sat down again and didn’t think about it I saw the girl punk by herself several months later. I asked her where her buddy was and she said that he was dead, had comited suicide. I sat next to her and wept, demanding to know how and why. I felt like it was my fault, and still feel guilt to this day even though she assured me it was a raft of other things that was behind it…anyway, she said that she’d show me some of his poetry if I was interested so we got off that tram and headed back to her place. I shared with her that I too loved poetry but had never showed anybody my poems. From that point we met regularly for several months just reading one another’s poetry. We had a closeness that I hadn’t had before and I found it intoxicating. I might point out that she was a big girl, very unattractive, a lesbian, and a prostitute, but I was infatuated with her nonetheless. We occasionally held hands, but that was the extent of our physical contact, but I felt fulfilled somehow. I wrecked the friendship by getting so drunk on the one night we went out that I ended up getting arrested, which I had no recollection of, and woke up in hospital having my stomach pumped where the police had taken me from the lock-up. When I spoke to her later she said that I had more problems than her dead friend and she didnt want to see me again because I was an embarrassment to her at the pub arguing with people. I was devastated, and I haven’t shown my poetry anybody else since then…I think that I might have even been in love with her.

The second time that I obtained intimacy was with this crazy chick that I used to see out in the nightclubs of Melbourne in my mid 20’s. I was with my gf and abunch of people, and she was with, as it turned out, her pimp, and our groups had sort of merged. Her and I just used to muck around and play tricks like kids and delighted in one another’s company. As it was approaching closing time it was decided that I’d go back to our place and get more drugs for everybody before we all kicked on to the next club. It was about 5 o’clock in the morning, so as I headed out the dor of the club with my mate’s car keys I was pleasantly surprised to find that this girl was coming with me. So happy that I decided that we’d walk the 10 klm instead of drive! We giggled and laughed as we slowly headed to my place, and before we knew it we were further from my place after a few hours!

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[allan wallace]

Wow! Thanks for replying to my posts, I was beginning to think that I was having my usual effect on people; annoying them! 😆

Intimacy is something that I do in fact crave, but don’t attain. Sex is utterly boring to me, and once it’s over, secretly disgusts me, but that’s another topic in itself. I’ll share a couple of anedotes…when I was about 17 I met a girl a few years older. My mates and I would often go into the city at night by tram in Melbourne, and on the second time after seing two punks (loud mohawk haircuts, zippers everywhere etc. I challenged the bloke to hop off the tram with me and have a scuffle for he kept glaring at me. I assured him that I’d be alone and as I got up to get off he bolted! I was so shocked I just sat down again and didn’t think about it I saw the girl punk by herself several months later. I asked her where her buddy was and she said that he was dead, had comited suicide. I sat next to her and wept, demanding to know how and why. I felt like it was my fault, and still feel guilt to this day even though she assured me it was a raft of other things that was behind it…anyway, she said that she’d show me some of his poetry if I was interested so we got off that tram and headed back to her place. I shared with her that I too loved poetry but had never showed anybody my poems. From that point we met regularly for several months just reading one another’s poetry. We had a closeness that I hadn’t had before and I found it intoxicating. I might point out that she was a big girl, very unattractive, a lesbian, and a prostitute, but I was infatuated with her nonetheless. We occasionally held hands, but that was the extent of our physical contact, but I felt fulfilled somehow. I wrecked the friendship by getting so drunk on the one night we went out that I ended up getting arrested, which I had no recollection of, and woke up in hospital having my stomach pumped where the police had taken me from the lock-up. When I spoke to her later she said that I had more problems than her dead friend and she didnt want to see me again because I was an embarrassment to her at the pub arguing with people. I was devastated, and I haven’t shown my poetry anybody else since then…I think that I might have even been in love with her.

The second time that I obtained intimacy was with this crazy chick that I used to see out in the nightclubs of Melbourne in my mid 20’s. I was with my gf and abunch of people, and she was with, as it turned out, her pimp, and our groups had sort of merged. Her and I just used to muck around and play tricks like kids and delighted in one another’s company. As it was approaching closing time it was decided that I’d go back to our place and get more drugs for everybody before we all kicked on to the next club. It was about 5 o’clock in the morning, so as I headed out the dor of the club with my mate’s car keys I was pleasantly surprised to find that this girl was coming with me. So happy that I decided that we’d walk the 10 klm instead of drive! We giggled and laughed as we slowly headed to my place, and before we knew it we were further from my place after a few hours!

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[allan wallace]

Heh, now we’re talkin’….disasters and I are Siamese twins….jobs? where to start. I’ve almost been killed through my own stupidity. On more than one occasion. Once was in a Chemical Plant. What was I thinking? I must have been suicidal at the time… At more than a few places I’ve been called Frank Spencer. I worked as a helper for a roof tiler for a week or so, but on one of the days I was hanging from a gutter on a two storey house by my shirt. I must have looked like a tea-bag dangling there. I fell off the roof a few times. On the ground I managed to wreck a stack of tiles. I don’t know how I did it, and I’d defy any forensic investigator to figure it out either. But I did! Somehow. I managed to burn a meal in a slow cooker for Godsakes! Is that normal?

Feller above me, I could just copy and paste your post, except mine would be worse. Flunked. High school drop-out. I’ve had well over 100 different jobs and we’re the same age. I am married, but if I had money I’d have been divorced years ago. If I was on a desert island by myself, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, thousands of miles from civilisation, I’d still somehow be able to incite a riot, get myself arrested, cause an unholy uproar for as many that would be calling for my execution, would be an equal amount demanding not only clemency, but a pardon, and I’d be looking for somewhere to hide!

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[allan wallace]

Yep, me again. Don’t worry, once the novelty of the place has worn off I’ll disappear back into the ether as suddenly as I arrived!

I suspect that I’m supposed to be inspired by these preceding posts, but all they serve to do is make me feel even more inadequate! On my good days I feel like an aeroplane that is stuck in a hangar….capable of soaring to great heights, but the pilot can’t figure out how to get into the cockpit, or is too afraid of all the buttons and levers on the dashboard, so the plane just sits in the hangar. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after year. Decade after decade, and if my life expectancy was in the hundreds of years, it would be century after century! Apart from the usual getting into trouble, the only thing that I’ve mastered is the skill in doing nothing! I’ve been static for so long, even I’m beginning to feel embarrassed, and I haven’t met many people, hardly anybody, in fact nobody, that has the capacity to inadvertently shock as I effortlessly do…

I am good at daydreaming, but that isn’t held in the same esteem as cardio-vascular surgery is it? I am good at bullshitting, but that only gets me into strife. I’m good at visualising scenarios and amusing myself, but that’s linked to daydreaming. If only I could draw or paint! I have less artistic ability than an armless beggar which grieves my soul for I have the most amazing pictures and concepts in my mind that are doomed to only ever having my useless mind as an appreciative audience…my dreams too are so vivid, they are often better than anything that I’ve ever seen on T.V. I’ve done it all in my dreams! In one dream I lost a Wimbledom final to Pete Sampras in a marathon 5 setter, and I was even gracious in defeat for the post-match interview! I had another dream about a nuclear holocaust that was so vivid I can still recall it to my mind nearly 25 years later, and it was better than that Hollywood movie. I wasn’t afraid either, I sat quietly and watched in awe as all these amazing things were going on…eventually it was my ‘time’, and as the massive explosion devoured the landscape and sped across the bay towards me in a nano-second, I seemed to almost reach out towards my rapidly approaching oblivion without the slightest trace of fear!

Ah yes, if only I could paint! I have another ‘picture’ of suburbia resembling a graveyard, with all of the neatly alloted shoebox houses symbolised as headstones where the ‘dead’ exist….anyway, I’m still awaiting an answer to my question on another thread. What are all these gifts that we’re supposed to have? If I could trade in my ADHD for a sheep’s brain I’d do it in a heartbeat…

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[allan wallace]

Interesting. I was initially prescribed dexamphetamine in one state and it was useful. In another state I was prescribed straterra and I found it to be dreadful. It seemed to induce feelings of such acute sadness that I was flirting with extreme thoughts of self-harm. I will never take that one again. At the moment I’m taking dexamphetamines again, but wondering if I ought to explore any natural remedies that might be available. The dexamphetamines also take the sting out of my moments of melancholy…

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[allan wallace]

Yes, all of this anecdotal stuff is just so overwhelming. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Coming to terms with this diagnosis is much more difficult than I’d anticipated, and I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Is there a panacea that will magically eradicate all of the things that would have driven anybody else to lie on some train tracks in the middle of the night?

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[allan wallace]

Carrie, that opening post had me in stitches! 😆 Isn’t it just an immense relief to just read these posts and know that it’s not just you? Reading so much of this stuff is like reading about myself, and I’m so sick of being told how useless, lazy, stupid, and irresponsible I am. I reached the point of not giving a flying proverbial what other people might think, but it does hurt when those that are supposed to be closest to us echo the hecklers….

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[allan wallace]

Only 21 jobs, eh? I am 45 and have had well over 100. I couldn’t possibly number them all….I’ve quit most of them, but have usually got the sack from the rest when trying to be sacked. I don’t have any tertiary qualifications though, and for that matter, I don’t have any secondary qualifications either! Office jobs, warehouse jobs, and factory jobs…all just dreary soul crushing purveyors of misery! I don’t have any answers for you Plasticman, just one suggestion: don’t stress over it….

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[allan wallace]

G’day Jules, bloody bureaucracy, eh? Is it just me, or do those dour robotic types with a tendency to worship the clipboard induce a feeling of revulsion? I don’t understand the hoops that one must jump through in order to receive medication, for if one was after ‘speed’ surely one wouldn’t have to forage around for too long to find some, eh? It’s not as if there isn’t much of it around, and the prescribed medications don’t come within a bull’s roar of the alternatives, do they? 😆

Good luck with it all! Even though I was diagnosed about 4 years ago, it’s only been recently that I have resolved to understand the nitty gritty of it, for I’ve been too embarrassed to share the diagnosis. I haven’t even told my munchkins…just having a diagnosis doesn’t make the labyrinth of life any easier though. This is my first day on the fora, and I’ve probably already overstayed my welcome with a barrage of posts to introduce myself….no offence intended, I just feel like a kid in a toyshop! 😯

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[allan wallace]

I’ve not had any contact with ADHD types, in real life or online, so I have no idea. Or, if I have I haven’t been aware of it. I do prefer online contact as it’s less vexatious, and I’m much less likely to offend somebody by something that I say or do, or don’t say or don’t do…sadly I find most people terminally boring, and the moment some imbecile begins to drone on in a monotone about his or her job is the moment that I’m looking to escape their clutches. I much prefer to just sit on the periphery and observe people. It is as fascinating as it is nauseating, and I quite enjoy being regarded as the halfwit not worth talking to! 😆

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