[Curlymoe115]

We are in Alberta and don’t I know about a province unwilling to help. However with boys you have a better chance of getting approved for a program to help with his behaviour. I know that in Ontario they had more educational resources but in Canada Childrens Services are required by law to help you. Being in Canada is a good thing especially if you do not currently have Social Services involvement. Go to your local paper and find out which person is involved with social issues. Get yourself interviewed about how you are being stymied from getting your children help because he is deemed to have too high an IQ. The fact that as an RCMP officer your family has been required to move here and they are refusing to get help for your two sons and you will have more mail and people stampeding to help you. It doesn’t seem fair in the land of free health care that you are at the bottom of the list because of a mental health issue but that is the way it is. The only way to put enough pressure to bear on the decision makers is to blackmail them into doing it. Good luck. We were interviewed after our oldest had Social Service status and the reporter could only use general information about us, but it did bring pressure to bear. My BIL was a RCMP officer until he retired 6 years ago. He was sent to 3 different provinces and many different posts. So I know what a nightmare that can seem.

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[Curlymoe115]

Have you tried looking for resources in your area at “http://www.conductdisorders.com/” these parents have been there done that and a lot of them make incredible resources and advocates. When our oldest was younger it saved my sanity a few times having these people to bounce things off. They have an educational and vocational area and they can help you get the help you need out of the school system in your area. My oldest is also ODD along with a number of different psychiatric disorders. But she was given an incredible dose of stimulants when she was 4-11. Later when we finally took her off the drugs she started to self medicate with drugs and alcohol and because of the addictive personality quickly became addicted. We went through hell from the time she was 3 until she moved out 4 months ago. However I am happy to report that she will be turning 18 in 3 weeks and she is starting to turn her life around. She is making positive changes in her life and trying to stop blaming others for her mistakes. She just got into her own apartment and she is taking a career training program.

When she was small she was 40 pounds of dynamite. She would explode and she could take out a 180 pound man. She was put in a special program that rewarded her for doing her work (didn’t have to be good, just done) and sent her to the time out room for any perceived wrong. The class lost the privilege of science and other core subjects and they slipped further and further behind. She was also the only girl in a class of nine. When we took her off the medication she was still incredibly active. She would get a new therapist only to have the person retire or otherwise leave the field and she was left hanging once more. We always advocated for her but it is hard because these kids are not easy to work with. Add of course the fact that she is the prettiest and most perfect looking child with no obvious signs of problems. So they take this as willful and parents of “normal” kids won’t let their perfect child play with yours so then you are stuck with children whose behaviour is not the kind of modeling a ODD and CD child needs. But that means that you need to be hyper vigilant about who your son is associating with and what behaviors he is learning from them.

Both of our girls are ODD but they always have been mirrors of each other. The difference is that the younger one is more biddable then the older one so we were able to suppress a lot of the fall out until this year. While the older has always been mouthy and outwardly defiant she could still be redirected. The youngest one was always quieter but when she made up her mind dynamite wouldn’t change it. Parenting an ODD child is completely terrifying because they are also fearless. Coupled with the impulsivity of ADD and ADHD there is no telling what could happen. However you need to also remember that you are not alone. There are groups out there that can help and that most states have a program in place that offer respite for parents whether this is for an afternoon or for a weekend. You need to keep healthy and take care of yourself and not let yourself get completely overwrought.

Discipline is also tricky and the method that usually works best is to only discipline for the things that are illegal or have the potential to cause harm. I found reward charts for good behaviour a lot more motivating when there was a reward at the end that they wanted. There is a great book called “Active Parenting” that had some positive steps that can be adopted for these kids and if there is a behavioural program at your school they usually have a list of behaviour modification programs that are in your area. Pictures of clean areas are good because they can look at the picture to try to emulate. And if you don’t challenge them then they don’t have to defy you, so try to get them to cooperate rather then order them around.

Unless you have a million dollars sitting lying in a bank your best bet is to enlist your local Family and Children services branch to help advocate as well. They have the deep pockets that are needed and it means that when some other well meaning person calls them they are already aware of you and are going to give you the benefit of the doubt. They are also the best source for getting the therapists that B and K need to help them become happy and socially productive adults. And trust me with kids like this if you haven’t had Social Services at the door it is a case of yet.

Good luck and I wish you all the best. It isn’t easy but one day you will be rewarded for what you do. Or you can do what I did and contact Dr. Phil. He never responded but at least I felt better for the attempt.

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[Curlymoe115]

I have dealt with PTSD for the last 30 odd years. The flash backs still happen and they can be quite debilitating. The medications they put you on will help realign your blood chemistry to the point where you can again function. Since you have been a contractor for many years how about looking at the health and safety side of the practice, or there is always a need for competent inspectors to make sure the job has been done right. Different does not have to mean a loss, but a new challenge and as ADHD we are always up for a new challenge. Right now you should be focusing on being in the best mental shape that you can be when faced with the surgery. Most of recovery has to do with how mentally prepared you are to face the changes that you will experience.

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[Curlymoe115]

Both DH and I are ADHD, and our symptoms and lifestyle are completely different. When my life is organized I function well. I rarely lose my temper and am content to drift through life. DH is a go getter. Bring it on. The more hours, controversy, and problems the better. He has to always be busy, but if anything doesn’t go according to his plan he explodes. Everything was fine until we had kids. Until that time if he thought his boss was unfair, he quit. Now he feels trapped to stay in a job he hates. The kids act up and he takes it as a personal challenge against him. Our two girls have ADD and ADHD and they manifest completely different. When the girls were small he would have to babysit them if I went out. So the answer was that I could either not go out or take them with me. Our oldest got thrown out of daycare when he was an hour and a half late one time I got sick. I had children and he got playmates or rivals depending on the day.

While I love my children I did not have the energy to be a single parent 24 hours a day. I was completely overwhelmed and I did most of the parenting on my own (our children are now 18 and 13 and I still am expected to do it alone) but he was good about getting the paycheque. I was the one in the middle of the night with the screaming child and he moved to his own room. Taking them to doctors appointments or meet the teacher. Standing over them to get homework or housework done. Dad was just there for the good times, and to put them to work when he was home.

But he is supportive of us, and he lets us know that he believes in us. His temper is volatile at the best of times, and he is angered very easily. But then two minutes later it is spent and he is happy and fun to be with. As long as the good times outweigh the bad times we will stay together.

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[Curlymoe115]

Well I have had just about everyone of these experiences. I make a list for the grocery store and forget to take it, or forget to take it out. I am forever losing bank cards and keys and now I try and check to make sure I have them before I get to the store and find out it isn’t there. My best example happened a few weeks ago when I was on the train. It was experiencing some major problems and was stopping everywhere. It was stopped at the mall and they announced that we would be here for a few minutes. I went back to my book and then a few minutes later I looked up and started to panic and wondered how long we had been at my stop. I grabbed my stuff in a panic and rushed out the door of the train only to realize that we hadn’t moved from the mall. So I had to sheepishly get back on the train and resume my seat. I am forever leaving burners on or forgetting to turn them on. I have stood over food on the stove for ten minutes stirring and wondering why it was taking so long only to realize I hadn’t turned it on. I will turn on the oven and forget to take stuff out. I have put dishes in the fridge and food in the cupboard. I put the roast in the slow cooker and set the timer confident that when I got up in the morning it would be ready. Got up and didn’t smell the roast cooking, get down to the kitchen and I hadn’t turned it on. Can’t tell you how many times I have driven somewhere, put my keys on the seat beside me or leave them in the ignition, gather up the stuff I need for the store, grab my purse and exit and lock the car. Complete my business and go to the car, hunt for ten minutes for the keys and then look inside and see them on the seat. Used to have to call the AMA to get them to open the car. Now I keep an extra set of keys on me. Got the extra keys when it happened 3 times in one week. I will put everything I need to take with me beside the door and walk out without them. My DH is also ADD and he has a horrible habit of zoning out when he drives. Especially if he is under a lot of pressure. When I was in labour with our oldest he drove to the mall instead of the hospital. If we are together I become the GPS and remind him where we are going. Both of our girls are also ADD and they are forever losing things and so we spend hours every day searching for items. When we lose track of words we use words like “you know that thing I told you I had to take”. I get books out of the library and just about every time I misplace one book that I spend days searching. Last time it was in the van between the seats. I forget appointments if I have more then one thing on the go. When I was going to college I would forget an assignment and then remember minutes before it was due. I would quickly dash it off and have someone else proof read it and hand it in with everyone else. Good thing I am so verbal.

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[Curlymoe115]

When you are doing the behavioral interview they like it when you take a moment to think about the answer and they get a little nervous if you have 30 examples at the tip of your tongue. There are a number of websites that give you a list of questions and the type of answers that they are looking for based on the way they ask the question. Look again at the job description for the job and this helps you to think of some examples based on their hiring criteria.

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[Curlymoe115]

jjbphoto – in our family there are number people and their are letter people. My brother was very smart but sit him down with a book and he always felt out of sync. It sounds as though you have a disconnect between your mechanical brain and your verbal brain. When you are doing it it makes perfect sense and you can see it laid out perfectly in your mind. Therefore you follow these steps that you see and complete the project. Then you are asked to sit down and describe using letter instead of the numbers that you see. So it doesn’t come out because these are two different languages and you are not great with the math/english dictionary. That is why there are technical writers that specialize in translating this from one language to another. What would be ideal would be a partner or secretary that you can describe the sequential steps to and that can help you translate this.

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[Curlymoe115]

I think the visualization is why I never enjoy a movie as much as I do a book. My world is populated by characters from the book and I picture the story as it unfolds. I think that is why if I find that I have started in the middle of a series I have to go back to the beginning and start so I can develop the “whole world” of these characters. I love to read because the characters always follow my direction. Recently read the graphic novel of a series that was later “made” into a television series. Of course you are trying to put the characters from the tv series into the book but they just don’t neatly fit the story.

I also have always had a really hard time with left and right and for a compass I always go top bottom left and right which is of course N S W E. If I try to do it the other way I get messed up. In the city I live I picture the city laid out on the map and head for the direction of one of the known landmarks, so if I am going North West I am heading towards West Edmonton Mall. If I am going South Central I am heading toward the Edmonton International airport. This way I usually can find my way even if a street ends and I have to backtrack along the river. I could never do Hokey Pokey and Aloutte was impossible. I was always a few minutes behind.

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[Curlymoe115]

I had poor grades in public and high school and the first time I went to college. I didn’t bother doing homework or really focus on getting good grades. I always knew the answer and would blurt it out before the teacher even had a chance to finish asking the questions. I would intuitively get the answer in math but would get a failing mark because I couldn’t prove my work. I usually ended up with the poorest math teacher with the lowest skill level who needed a filler course and could convince him of my hair ball reason for why my answer that could possibly in a different universe be correct. My poor social skills led the guidance counselor in grade 5 to ask someone to volunteer to be my friend. (On a different note we have now been friends for 32 years with some different moments of her wanting to be with someone cooler which would leave me baffled and despondent). I was the blue bullet. I had a nylon hood on my jacket and I would run around at recess solving the worlds problems as the “Blue Bullet” instead of really interacting with my peers. I hung around the supervision teacher and would entertain them with stories from my imaginary world. Later when it was no longer appropriate to act out my fantasy world I joined solitary but social activities such as library club and newspaper so that I could still look like I was part of something but was basically left alone. I was always picked last in sports so I invented reasons not to participate in gym or recess. In grade 8 during one of the periods where me and my bff were not talking (she wasn’t talking to me) I slipped into a severe depression and read 22 hours a day for 9 months. Great for my vocabulary but at that time no one seemed to notice. I failed grade 8 and had to take summer school to make it up. For 6 weeks we did everything that was taught in one year and I ended up with the best marks of my life up to that point.

I attended high school with my peers and I was suddenly in a bigger pond where there was even less attention paid to my individual eccentricities. I could choose the classes where I would flourish and ignore the ones I wouldn’t. I have absolutely no ability to pick up a second language. I can memorize it but ten minutes later it is simply gone. So instead I took film studies which plays to my strengths of irrelevant trivia. I have an incredible memory for things that interest me but I am a big picture learner. I never remember the word for word of a conversation but can repeat what we talked about 20 years later if I can picture it in my mind. After grade 9 I didn’t have to show how uncoordinated I was in a gym class but could entertain people with my stories in English class. My marks still weren’t great but I passed everything except math because I could remember enough to spit it out on a test. Math I did two or three times each but eventually passed. Never really learning the material enough to be fluent but could memorize enough to pass.

The first time I went to college I decided that I wanted to be a broadcast journalist. I never read the paper or watched boring news but it seemed like it would be a great career. I talked my way into the program because when I am dreaming big I can always convince someone else of my sincerity. I was 17 years old, wet behind the ears but I worked exceptionally hard at this. But I lacked discipline and I had a really hard time talking to strangers. So that meant that I would stammer through interviews and usually tried to interview people I knew. But as an added bonus I made a few “friends” that I saw every day and kept them entertained with my stories. The fact that I still had a hard time completing assignments on time ultimately meant I dropped out after 1 semester.

When I decided, after a particularly depressing period, when I found out that the person I thought was my boyfriend was actually just using me, to join the military I took the testing and did fantastic. The careers open to me were astounding. I could be an engineer or an astronaut. What I wanted to be was an Oceanographic Operator because you spent all your time on a Naval base plotting courses for ships and watching sea life. It sounded fantastic but they convinced me that I should become a Supply Clerk. Pretty heady stuff, eye roll. But when I got to the training base I found it really difficult to follow instructions constantly and live with 33 other people 24 hours a day. I was always one step behind when drill was called out because of the echo and would wait until people started to move and mimic them. I didn’t function well on 3 hours sleep, had a really hard time sleeping with all the distractions of other people and barely avoided becoming a “individual”. The lack of sleep caused my double vision and migraines to flare up repeatedly and at Christmas time I ended up being hospitalized with pneumonia. I was told just before I went home for Christmas break that I was being released because of my migraines and double vision, so when I went back after the break I knew I only had two more weeks to live through before I was free. So suddenly I could just enjoy it. Instead of the commanders barking at me making me want to cry I just smiled and did my thing. What could they really do to me, I was going home anyway. I met my husband in Base Holding because his mother had passed away and he was given a compassionate discharge to be with his senior father. My quirkiness drew him to me and I made him laugh instead of having to always remember his mothers passing. That was 22 years ago, and we have now been married 21 years and we still laugh and have a good time together.

So now I am married to a person who supports us and I stay home and be the front line person. I am free to pursue the activities that make me happy and to raise our kids. My spouse was raised by parents who were already creeping to middle age when he was born and his siblings were over 15 years older then him. He was an only child of parents who already knew the ropes and let him basically have his way in 90 percent of everything. He was encouraged to follow his mews wherever it took him and to spend as much time as possible pursuing quiet or outdoor activities that did not divert the attention of his very busy and tired parents. Things that were too expensive for younger parents struggling with mortgage payments were no barrier and he had everything his little heart desired to dismay of his older siblings who were trying to bring up children at the same time and watching this brother get everything they could not afford to give their own children. So he is spoiled and used to getting his own way. He is old fashioned but a great believer in the invincibility of women cause his own mother was superwoman. He also likes his own privacy when he is home and spends a great amount of time apart. Once in a while he will decide that I should get a job and work out of the home. As long as I am still available at his beck and call, and still have 100 percent responsibility for the kids. Meals must be ready when he is ready to eat (even if the kids have to heat up soup for him) and he likes us to be there to listen to his stories. So every once in a while I leave the house in pursuit of a career to show remind him how much he hates it. I have pursued Clerk Typist, Computer Programmer, and finally I pursued Business Administration. I got fantastic marks in Business Administration, I was 15 years older then most and had been here before. I love accounting and economics and most of the courses. I used my love of computers and the courses that I had previously taken while trying to be a computer programmer and graduated on the Presidents List with a Business Administration Diploma with E-Commerce Specialization. The classes that I did especially well in I would end up tutoring my peers. I was on the Deans List and the Presidents list of the college but then the professors said that business also wanted a well rounded person. I needed to volunteer my hours. So we re-started the Business Society and I became the Social Director and Vice President. We raised money for activities that we wanted to pursue and had film clubs and pub crawls for the younger members.

Then I started my own business after college and was quite successful as long as I didn’t mind working 18 or 19 hours a day. I took on jobs that were money losers so I didn’t disappoint anyone and spent a great deal of every day driving between jobs because I never really efficiently set up a schedule to minimize wasted hours. My kids ended up as slaves to the business because there was always someone who needed us. After 2 years I was burned out and the weather was too hot to stay there any longer. When we moved back to Alberta we decided that our new city would not really accommodate this business without a lot of drastic changes so I went to work for someone else. I took job after job that started out fun but would quickly become mundane and would usually bring me into conflict with my co-workers. Finally 2 years ago I decided to just bow out again. I was approached last spring to be a life insurance agent. It sounded good until I found out that you were really going to be hitting up your family and friends to become your customer. But I quickly got my license and I found it really easy even though they all complained they had to do it 2 or 3 times or just barely passed. So I have my license and have never been on an appointment. But it is mine and no one can take it away, yeah me.

To make a long story short (too late) I have always found academics easy. I am a storer of incredible fonts of knowledge and usually use this to help my friends, acquaintances, and strangers but really have no real desire to put myself out there any more. I am quirky and march to my own drum and most people just don’t “get” me. My spouse thinks I walk on water most of the time even though I am a terrible housekeeper but I’m an incredible friend. I do my own thing and have trained him that he gets 1 request a day. If I get more then 1 thing done that is a bonus but don’t count on it. So today it may be do the litter boxes or the laundry but probably not both. Some days lightning can strike and he better comment on it and praise me. He is really good with this and that makes putting up with his spoiled bad tempered self worth it. My castle is my fortress and I am safe within my walls. Maybe one day I will find that one thing that suddenly starts my engine and makes me want to leave my little cocoon. But so far I am happy to just be me.

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[Curlymoe115]

Well, I am sorry that American Politicians have long neglected this very visible problem. Especially with Micheal Moore screaming about the problem but things aren’t much better in the land of free health care. Here in Alberta the average wait time in an ER is 24 to 36 hours to even find a bed for a minor complaint such as a broken arm. When there is a critical shortage of family physicians and our premier health care providers are being lured to the US because of the money to be made there treating patients. A family physician is paid 37 dollars per patient. So you are seeing 12 or 13 patients an hour and they basically get one complaint per person. No real time to diagnose just get them in and out. They are now training nurses to do the initial diagnoses and just have the doctor writing the script. A doctor here gets to pick among the thousands of people who line up to get a family doctor and he chooses young healthy individuals he probably won’t see for years. And they want to embrace more public health like the US and allow doctors to opt out so that they can treat private patients with cash or a good health plan for mega dollars. There is a club in another city in this province that charges a fee monthly so that you have access to their health care professionals and you can jump the line if you need major health care treatment. Envelopes of cash are being given to surgeons so that you can move up in line instead of waiting your turn. There are few resources in Alberta for mental health issues and we are one of the richest provinces in Canada but it is not a priority and their are lots of stigmas.

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[Curlymoe115]

http://www.missouribusiness.net/sbtdc/library/finance.asp

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[Curlymoe115]

I know with myself when I owned and operated my business my biggest problems were with developing new relationships and setting boundaries. I either came across as too cold if I really didn’t care for the person I was working for or would get too close and end up basically working for free because I empathized too closely with their situation. I also found the paper work to be extremely excruciating. It was a completely different focus than what the core of the business was. There are often small business development branches in most cities that help to get a handle on this but by the time you get through the huge number of hours I worked it really left nothing in the tank. The majority of my business was cash and so keeping track of from whom it was coming and where it was going was terrifying because it was so easy to see something you wanted for the business, grab the cash and go purchase it without any real thought or planning about what it added to the operation.

Have you ever noticed that the majority of the really successful business people seem to be really great at relationships or they hire someone who is really good at it. It can be a secretary or whatever who could charm the birds from the trees. These people get and keep the customers even when the work quality is of questionable value. I am currently involved in a business where the people who are making money personally make my skin crawl and so I do nothing with this business because I would rather not be an unsavory character like them. They say whatever they think the client wants to hear regardless of truthfulness and then wonder why this industry has such a bad name. But I am licensed by the province I work in and therefore I still have my shingle if I ever get over my little problem. Because it seems to be my problem.

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[Curlymoe115]

I see the number or letter like it is a big white thing on a black background. I hate math but I love money so when I get a mathematical question I start to visualize it like it is money and I have learned to add it so I see the equation in my head.

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[Curlymoe115]

What is your family saying to you. I think at this point it really has to be a family decision whether you are willing to take this next leap. But if this is what you are passionate about then I think you need to do it. Everything has risks however you should be upfront and tell the new pastor that you want to remain in the background as much as possible so that the same complaints do not happen. And if a person is always going behind your back to complain then they need to really look at their own behavior before doing this, especially if you come to them and they can’t look you in the eye and do so. And shame on the pastor for not calling a meeting of all the parties involved before he decided to sack you. That is part of his training and as a Christian he should be helping you foster relationships within the church.

Also if this is a perpetual fear that this is going to end in failure you probably need to speak to a counselor about this before you cause this just because of your anxiety. Good luck, and remember the past is behind you and the future is yours to write. Don’t let the past close the book on the future.

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[Curlymoe115]

Instead of asking your spouse to do some housework find a specific job and ask him to do it. Hunny can you wash the dishes for me while I get the kids to bed. Hunny can you load the dishwasher so we can get it on. Men, even men without ADD do not notice things. They rarely engage with children and never really want to get involved. And if he refuses to do the dishes then get paper plates. Bad for the environment but great for your workload since he is the one that has to take out the garbage.

Employ a few strategies from one of the efficiency sites to simplify your workload. Instead of working like a slave do you put your 4 year old to work. Teach this one from day one that everyone has to pitch in. And when your 1 year old gets a few months older he can start to pitch in. I taught my girls to clean the bathrooms from a early age. They loved to swish the stuff in the toilet and made a game of sweeping. Ask hubby to supervise the kids while they clean and pretty soon he should start pitching in too. And won’t it be great when dad teaches the kids about football and helps them understand the stats for his pool. So while they are sitting on dads knee learning the finer points of the game go have a bath.

Remember you are not a slave. This may mean that you have to lower your exacting standards of cleanliness for a while but you have to simplify.

Melissa – Contact an attorney and find out your rights for spousal support. As a common law partner of 8 years you should have some. And the way you are living I would think that it would be better to go on Social Assistance for a few months while you find a job then to continue to live the life you are living. Thank goodness you have no kids. And from the sounds of it it is long past time to get out of this toxic relationship. This is not a partner this is someone that abuses you and then blames you for it. Don’t be a hostage for even one more day. Get out with your sanity intact. This is your life and you are wasting it on a person who has set you up in the role of ogre. Writing his mistakes down and confronting him with them is only going to trigger an argument not have him acknowledge an ahha moment. He will not suddenly after all these years decide that he is wrong and be better. Especially with you financially dependent on him and he can continue to use you as a whipping board and you have to take it. Or you can go to the local Employment office and start working on your resume and start looking for work. Even in these tough financial times there has to be some way that you can earn some money that you can put aside for when you can’t take one more minute. Or cut down on the usual expenses and hoard a little in a bank account. Whatever it is you need to start making a plan to get free. And make no mistake you are a hostage to this situation.

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[Author]

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