[sdwa]

Trashman: I know the feeling. Maybe you have more to give than you think you do? Most of us are not perfect angels. I’ve done a lot of stupid, reckless, and self-serving things in my life, mostly due to fear and trying to protect myself. Paradoxically, I have also put myself in dangerous situations. Go figure. Upon examination of my typical fear-driven behaviors, I noticed they pretty much directly brought about the result they were meant to prevent. Through a combination of medication, spiritual studies, and group therapy, I’ve come to believe I do belong in the world after all, and the universe wants me to be my true self. As they say, “May you be who you are, and may you be blessed in all that you are.”

Hey Sugargremlin: That’s cool. I guess I disagree about depression or bad experiences having any intrinsic meaning or value. If those feelings help you feel empathy or compassion for others, that would be a good use for them, but I would say that’s a chosen, post-situation usefulness, not an inherent one. If a person has to have a bad experience, may as well find a good application for what one learns from it – that seems like a life-affirming approach. An argument could also be made that had we not had those experiences, we would not be who we are now, and if who we are now is OK, all’s well that ends well. For me, being depressed was a hindrance, a bummer, and a big waste of time. 😉

Lucky77: Yeah, that’s weird, huh? I try to take those feelings as a signal that I need a change of venue – to get outside, move around, look at some trees, read a book, watch a movie – anything that helps me “re-set”

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[sdwa]

Has anyone else tried to brush their teeth with Clearasil, or attempted to use toothpaste as a roll-on deoderant?

Just wondering.

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[sdwa]

“Scattered: How ADHD originates and what you can do about it” (English language title) by Gabor Mate. Deals with psychological and emotional dimensions of ADHD – not stuff like finding your key chain.

Sari Solden’s book “Women with Attention Deficit Disorder” is good – made me feel like I was reading my own diary.

For other, non-ADHD self-help, I deeply appreciated “Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life” and also “Authentic Happiness.”

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[sdwa]

Sure. I think I have disappointed people. But I also grew up in a negative environment in which I felt that the severe problems and reactions of adults in my world were my fault, so who knows? I’m working on a shift from feeling defective and broken to just being wired differently and having that be okay.

What helped me a lot was reading Gabor Mate’s book “Scattered” – he has a couple of great chapters, one on “differentiation” (forming a separate identity, the opposite of enmeshment in relationships) and one on oppositionality (kneejerk defiance) which he says serves a similar function. “Scattered” is one of the deeper, more insightful books about ADHD I’ve seen.

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[sdwa]

I have days when I’m exhausted, extremely low-energy, and can sleep at the drop of a hat. No health problems, no sleep disorders. I have no idea why this happens, but it helps to eat protein in the morning.

Not wanting to be around people is different – not sure if that’s what you mean – but I find that if I’m feeling overwhelmed or over-stimulated, I tend to shut down, and if I can’t be alone I get very irritable.

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[sdwa]

sugargremlin:

Huh? To get what?

It’s not like my depression caused a revelation, or was any kind of catalyst or motivator. It didn’t teach me anything. It didn’t lead me to an ADHD diagnosis, or to figure anything out. It served no purpose, no function at all. It didn’t mean anything.

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[sdwa]

I first started thinking about suicide when I was 11. But now I’m 48, so apparently I never followed through, due to my tendency to procrastinate. I have also been diagnosed with “recurring major depression,” and for me there is not much besides medication that will alleviate it.

Having survived this long, I think it’s fair to say that life is short, and death is long, so what’s the rush? Like I used to think nothing I did would matter in a hundred years, as if that were a bad thing – actually, it’s pretty liberating, because it helps me keep things in perspective.

I would think about suicide when I felt socially isolated beyond repair, or when I felt I couldn’t keep up with my peers in terms of accomplishments or career aspiration, or when I felt like the whole world was rolling past me and I couldn’t understand how other people could do the things they do, when I felt like there was something inherently bad or wrong with me, but I didn’t know what it was, when I thought no one would ever love me or want me, or when I felt invisible.

What makes life meaningful to you? When was the last time you felt inspired, energized, or at peace? Where did that happen, and what were you doing? Because those moments, even if fleeting or remote, are worth noticing when they occur, because they give you clues about how you might get back to that place.

I’ve also noticed that when I’m extremely bored, I often get this surge of disgust which reminds me of that feeling of wanting to kill myself – only I don’t want to die, I just need something interesting to involve my brain in.

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[sdwa]

In social situations and at job interviews, I feel extremely self-conscious. I could interview well as a kid, when there was less to say, and I only had to memorize expected responses. Now I’m older and it’s harder to compete just for that reason. People tell me I don’t smile enough. Because I feel so anxious, I probably radiate nervous energy, which others find weird or off-putting. How weird I actually am, I’m not sure – I was constantly told I was weird and crazy in my family growing up. There’s a combination of emotional neediness and resentment that probably results in my coming across as more misanthropic than I actually am. I’ve realized I have many self-limiting beliefs – and I remember reading somewhere that it is not as big of a problem to be perceived as “weird” as it is to be perceived of as uncomfortable with who you are. If you’re weird but you like yourself anyway, and don’t feel you need to apologize for who you are, people can feel that. It’s something that can’t be faked, and would be, in my experience, exhausting to fake for more than two hours at a time.

I’m thinking the best way to be “packaged” is through clothing and hairstyle, because stereotypes work – look at how Hollywood dresses the type of character you want to play in your real life, and you won’t be far off from how you’ll be perceived and judged. It is, of course, complete nonsense, but I guess that’s why there are image consultants. Maybe if you package yourself with the appropriate visual code, you can maintain your personality without worrying about it.

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[sdwa]

I don’t think there are any “ADHD-friendly” jobs. The friendly job is the one that supports your best functioning, and offers the environment that supports you in doing what you naturally do best.

Unlike many others here, I am the introverted, reserved, shy type. I don’t like crowds, noise, commotion, telephones, fast-paced environments, or interacting with clients or the general public. I am definitely NOT a “thrill-seeker” – or if I am, my thrills come in highly emotional situations, not physically dangerous ones. I prefer long, uninterrupted blocks of time when I can work, preferably alone where it’s quiet, and then get up and move around, take a walk outside, mull things over. And the kind of work I do best involves things like art, design, writing, editing, or arranging “stuff.” But using those skills would be best in the type of secluded setting I’ve described, and it would be on a job-by-job basis in which every project would have a clear ending or outcome, and it would involve ideas but not craftsmanship. I might design a pattern for fabric, but I would never sew anything, or I could do technical writing because I like to learn about how things work and tell others about it, but I’d never care about a subject long enough to become an expert. What I do has to involve using imagery or ideas that appeal to me aesthetically or spiritually.

For me, multi-tasking is out. Tracking details is out. Planning and scheduling, also out. Organizing information or deciding how to display a collection of objects is okay, but organizing people would be a disaster.

We’re all different, you know? There aren’t any one-size-fits-all solutions.

I would suggest investigating your process, how you naturally function at your best, and when and where. The type of job that would be good for you wouldn’t necessarily be found in or limited to a job title or professional category. It’s what you’d actually be doing, moment by moment, that counts. For example, someone with an analytical mind, who likes to look at how variables interact, and who naturally tends to think about the question “what happens if…?” would make a good chess player, a good day-trader, a good sports-team manager, and a good cook. It isn’t the activity, but the way of engaging with that activity.

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[sdwa]

My son gets bored at home and as a result becomes moody and volatile. He resists any and all suggestions to sign him up for a class, camp, or lessons. Sometimes I can coax him out for spur-of-the-moment adventures.

Are there any tricks for getting a resistant child out of the house to do unfamiliar activities (particularly if these could be with other kids and not with his mom)?

Thank you.

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[sdwa]

Are you bothered by it because it bugs other people, or because it makes you physically uncomfortable? I also have tapped my feet or drummed my fingers compulsively, or done a lot of pacing, due to what I’d describe as nervous energy, restlessness, or boredom. But depending upon the situation, it can also help me focus – as in the case of doodling while listening to other people talk. I don’t know why, but doodling makes it easier for me to follow a conversation. I’ve done a fair amount of rocking, also. When I’m alone, none of these behaviors are a problem. And in public? Well, the benefit might be to give me more space, LOL. Since I went on Concerta, I do these things far less often or with less intensity.

You may not want to hear this, but have you considered just not worrying about it? I would have guessed, and it sounds like I’m correct based on what Dr. Jain says above, that this general twitchiness is not Restless Leg Syndrome. Personally, I think it’s just part of the ADHD package deal. Some of us are twitchy. So what? I’ve found it’s very helpful to go outside in an attractive natural setting, where there are trees, flowers, water, sky, etc. Being in a natural environment tends to calm me down.

The thing that gets me is that we are who we are, wired the way we are – you know? Are there other things you could do instead of leg shaking that would be less noticeable to other people? If you tap your hands, maybe you could learn to knit or crochet instead, so you’d have a repetitive movement to do that wouldn’t be so conspicuous. It’s quite socially acceptable. What other activities are repetitive like being twitchy but are considered publicly okay to do? What about taking up a musical instrument like the ukelele? Anyway, you see my point.

At night I get leg cramps and kick involuntarily, but I think this is because of the medication I’m on, when I’m coming off it for the day, not in spite of it.

Try not to get dehydrated.

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[sdwa]

Oakville – I hear you. I’ve always felt like an alien visitor from another world, but since I was an artist, I didn’t let non-conformity bother me too much, as there is some built in license to be weird for creatives. When I got the diagnosis, it didn’t mean that much to me, because they (doctors, therapists) didn’t spend much time educating me about the condition – they don’t really do that here. So I scoped around on my own for a while, but the classic books didn’t give me much of a sense of what living with ADHD means experientially, on the level of day-to-day functioning. It wasn’t until I recently got into a support group with other people who have it that I began to appreciate how typical and ingrained are certain challenges for people with ADHD. In a book or in medical terms, it can be pretty dry and vague – I mean, what’s executive function? Not very relatable. But in a room full of people who are chronically late, can’t shift into high gear unless they’re under deadline pressure, find themselves buried under mountains of clutter, procrastinate on paperwork and bills, lose their stuff, are smart but underachieving, etc…I realized that this is not just an abstract, clinical diagnosis – it’s a real impairment which has affected all aspects of my life. This takes a lot of the guilt out of being me – like why I can’t remember what I’ve read, why I keep making the same mistakes over and over, why I can’t handle money, why I take crazy risks and get myself into difficult situations, why I can’t manage my moods, and so on. Understanding the true nature of the problem (i.e. not just being an irresponsible, self-centered jerk) means being able to begin to look at setting up external support that can actually help. I think it’s good to understand what goes on in the ADHD brain because that helps put the challenges into perspective. How to work around them? Not sure yet, but have a few ideas.

Oh, and check this out: A book called Authentic Happiness, by Martin Seligman, pioneer in the field of positive psychology. He writes, “I do not believe that you should devote overly much effort to correcting your weaknesses. Rather, I believe that the highest success in living and the deepest emotional satisfaction comes from building and using your signature strengths.” (He has a section on identifying strengths, too.)

WGreen – I just wanted to tell you, a few days back you posted an Albert Camus quote about needing to imagine Sisyphus as a happy guy, and I thought that was perfect. I’m now using it as my email signature.

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[sdwa]

Maybe he should get a new doctor?

Ritalin was among the first drugs I tried, and it made me feel like I was swimming through toxic syrup – just a real slow, dopey, poisoned feeling with stuff bending around me in slow motion. It was vile.

Everyone’s different.

Your boyfriend and everyone else has a right to a doctor who is willing to try all the meds and keep trying until they find the right one and the right dosage.

I don’t know if what you describe is a side-effect, but a drug shouldn’t make his symptoms worse.

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[sdwa]

Sean, I love that you’re doing something creative that you’re good at and getting recognition for it. That is inspiring. I’m very happy for you. That is AWESOME.

I was a fine arts major, and worked many low-level jobs while trying to paint at night and didn’t get too far with it in the first ten years because I didn’t have outside support. Later I had the support but discovered I worked very slowly and didn’t put together enough work for an exhibition for four years. Then I had children and gave up my studio. Later, I studied graphic design and couldn’t find a job…tried to freelance but couldn’t stay motivated because I don’t like schmoozing, I don’t do marketing or have that performer’s vibe. Nowadays I make repeat pattern designs for my own amusement. I don’t know if there is a market in the world where what I do fits, but I’m OK with it. The pleasure of making these things, and finding that I can do them for hours and don’t want to stop even after I have repetitive stress injuries, comes before any other way I might spend my free time. There is something important about people with ADHD doing what comes easily and naturally, what is fun, and what is absorbing – and taking the path of least resistance. I still work an office support job where sometimes I get to use my design skills, but mostly it is classic underachievement.

I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 45, and am only recently learning what it is and how it’s affected my life. I’m 48 now, and looking back, I think it’s extremely important to learn as much as possible. The way it worked for me is my doctor gave me the diagnosis and a prescription, but no real information about what to do, or where to look for help. I tried CHADD online, and didn’t find anything there I could relate to. I tried a local ADHD organization, and only found what I thought was a patronizing bunch of B.S. Then I found a coach who helped me feel better about myself, but I still didn’t understand what I was dealing with. Prior to that I had done years of regular talk-therapy which was either unhelpful or actively damaging. Only by hearing about the experiences of others with ADHD in a group situation have I come to appreciate the difference between what is hard-wired brain functioning and what is morality. All that self-blame stuff has been a major league monkey on my back – and I’ve found out most of my fears and most of my real ethical challenges (like lying to cover up ADHD symptoms) are driven by the ADHD itself. So looking at it in terms of mechanics and how I can restructure my environment is more effective than guilt or criticism. I’m starting to see I need stuff in my environment to do for me what I can’t do for myself, and there’s no shame in that.

I try to practice letting go of what goes on that’s beyond my control – like what other people do or think. That way I’m not obsessing about stuff I can’t fix, fulminating or carrying around resentments, or trying to exert my will on anyone. This frees up a lot of my energy for what I like to do. I’m used to mental noise, but being in the moment instead of rushing around to do things seems to help. My favorite Curious George story was when he tried to clean up an ink spill by spraying water into a room until it filled up with soap suds, then he stole a pump from a farm to try to get the water out. The entire progression of events made perfect sense.

; )

Rock on.

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[sdwa]

My reactions can be hair-trigger or reflexive, as Librarian Chef describes. It’s a real problem.

One thing that has helped is to meditate three times a day, just take that time out to be alone. Another thing that helps is to eat protein in the morning, which keeps my energy more even and my moods more balanced. For me, noise in my environment puts me on edge, so I’m much more likely to lash out if I already feel irritated. Ear plugs are good for that. Being interrupted when I’m working tends to annoy me, but I think that could be helped with a lock on my office door. Theoretically aerobic exercise every day would also help, although I don’t usually do it.

My next experiment will be to post around my house various wise and inspirational sayings which might inspire me to cool my jets. It’s hard to scream at someone when Buddha or somebody like that is advising kindness, compassion, or letting go. The stuff doesn’t stay in my head, no matter how many times at the end of the day I tell myself I wish I hadn’t been so caustic. If it’s in my face in every room of my house, maybe I’ll see it and put on the brakes.

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