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Thanks for sharing this. An important message. For some reason, it’s always comforting when a celebrity confesses a struggle they have, particularly something like depression, anxiety or some other psychiatric disorder.
I think the idea that “Depression lies” is an important one. When I was reading, I was thinking of telling my mother, who suffers from depression, that “Depression lies.” My mom always points out that the world is horrible – people are starving, are poor, are dying…and I have little to argue against that. Except, maybe depression lies in that it doesn’t tell the whole truth, as is important, which even the American judicial system recognizes “The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” Because the pessimistic things in life are true, but so are the good. That’s the whole truth. The good is part of the truth. And depression doesn’t tell that part.
REPORT ABUSEI have diarrhea of the mouth and….the other. A lot. I’ve gotten used to the….other diarrhea more so than the mouth diarrhea. I think it’s easier to accept our body than it is to accept our brain. Just like it’s easier to accept, believe, and treat physical conditions than it is to do so with mental conditions.
REPORT ABUSEI don’t have kids, but this post makes me think:
If I had kids, I’d move me and those suckers so far out in the country that the nearest mall, other house, or birthday party would be too far for anybody to even consider. I’d have my own little island of peace, and cows. Let the kids go run out in the field to entertain themselves.
Don’t fall in the river. Take a salt tablet.
And done.
Only thing is, I wouldn’t be able to call out for pizza delivery for dinner.
Darn.
REPORT ABUSEAt first I read “worried I had no goats.”
That was fun.
I did the same thing. I became a teacher, even though it totally went against my personality (I’m not a disciplinarian.)
Didn’t take me long to burn out, get miserable, get depressed, get sick, then finally get gone.
Like you, I have a creative leaning. I like to write.
Right now, I’m waiting tables and I’m in an M.F.A. program. I’m incredibly, incredibly poor. My financial situation is very unsteady, and a source of constant stress.
You have to weigh your options, but, probably it will become worth your sanity to get out of your current job. Just be fully aware of what you’re doing, and try not to make any rash decisions or completely burn up any bridges.
REPORT ABUSEAugust 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm in reply to: It's a Two-Fer. And they're both pretty bad (sources are the reason) #115694Also, I think part of the issue is this sense of authority that doctors have over their patients. In my case, at least, it has kept me from speaking up when I have felt like the doctor wasn’t hearing me. In many cases, I would take their diagnosis, and take the medication, sometimes to my severe detriment. In other, better cases, I would slink off to another doctor who seemed to have more insight to me and my problem(s).
Never have I spoken up and said, “Well, no, that doesn’t feel right. I’m not connecting to or recognizing what you’re saying.” Because who am I? They’re the one with the degree, the years and years of study, and I’ve only read, well, a couple books (and performed thousands of Google searches, but…..nevermind that).
Certainly have I never stood up, pronounced, “No, sir. You are incorrect.”, grabbed the nearest umbrella and proceeded to beat the doctor about the head.
Barring that, though, there’s got to be something that can be done.
REPORT ABUSEAugust 21, 2012 at 8:02 pm in reply to: It's a Two-Fer. And they're both pretty bad (sources are the reason) #115693Oh yes, when a doctor acts more like a hound dog locked on a scent rather than a careful and studied detective, well then, you’ve got youreself a problem.
I’ve had a psychiatrist throw out a previous diagnosis before; he threw out Bipolar Disorder and diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (both wrong, ultimately, but in any case…). He also threw out my previous medication and started me on a new one, without any titration off of the first one or onto the second.
Result? I was a hectic, crazed, weepy, greasy-haired mess within 36 hours. Bad, bad stuff.
Doctors don’t always get it right. They are subject to stubbornness and ego, and even the best of them are subject to the fears I discussed previously.
My question now, having gone through all this – the misdiagnoses, the drugs that did more harm than good, the years spent in ignorance of my real problem(s), is what can be done to make sure this doesn’t keep happening?
How do we educate and alert (though not in a scary way, but more just, make aware) everyone, and the right everyones? I think this website, and their movies especially, are doing part of that work, but what more can be done so we don’t have stories like this?
REPORT ABUSEAugust 20, 2012 at 12:43 pm in reply to: It's a Two-Fer. And they're both pretty bad (sources are the reason) #115689I’ve come to learn that ADD/ADHD and Bipolar Disorder symptoms overlap to a great extent. Because it is so empirical, the practice of psychiatry seems more of an art than a science and is dependent on many variables, not the least of which is what and how the patient reports to the doctor.
For many years, I reported only emotional symptoms to my doctor, as these were the most distressing to me, and included: extreme bouts of depression, low self-esteem, high anxiety, moments of restlessness and high, excited mood. As a result, I was diagnosed, over the years, with the following: depression, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar II disorder and borderline personality disorder. I was prescribed nearly every class of pychiatric drug available, specifically Paxil CR, Risperdal, Seroquel, Remeron, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Ativan, Depakote and Lamictal.
My psychiatrists were doing the best that they could for me with the information that I gave them. They are doctors, but in what is admittedly an incredibly maddening and backwards situation, they are, in many respects, completely reliant on the patient, and what they report, to make their diagnosis. Of course a skilled professional will ask the right questions, in the right ways, to arrive at an appropriate diagnosis, but, like I said earlier, more of an art than a science.
For me, I realize that I presented as a young woman suffering from depression, or bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder. The fact alone that I was a young woman contributed to these diagnoses, before I even spoke one word to my doctor. The symptoms that I reported to my doctor, when taken at face value, could point to those diagnoses.
What you leave out, however, is just as important as what you tell. I did not report to my doctor the many frustrations that I experienced on a daily basis. I didn’t even think to report them. I thought they were small, or just stupid, or a result of my depression or anxiety or inferiority. Both I and my doctor were too concerned with my very severe depression and some larger issues in my family and history to give any attention to the fact that I was often very scatterbrained. Of course I was scatterbrained! Who could think straight when they were so depressed?
Or who wouldn’t be depressed when they were so scatterbrained? Ah. New lens.
Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality disorder both fit me, somewhat. Once I started educating myself about ADD as it presents in adults, as it presents in women, as it presents in girls, however, I was continously amazed at how my actions, thoughts, and feelings lined up with this disorder.
With Bipolar Disorder, and especially Borderline Personality, I would read about them and identify with some aspects, but shake my head in a “No, that’s not me” way at others. The more I read about ADD, the more I find myself wide-eyed and flummoxed at just how well ADD knows me, or how well those that know ADD know me – how they point out things that I do that I wasn’t even, well, paying attention to. Ha!
There are definitely doctors out there that are heavy-handed with certain diagnoses or medications, or are too quick to conclude their detective work. Part of this comes, ironically, from their fear to misdiagnose, and to be sued and/or lose their license as a result. Certain mental disorders carry more potential for major harm than others. Bipolar Disorder is one of these. It is a Big Deal, and if a doctor suspects it, and if he is a good, responsible doctor, he is going to err on the side of caution and medicate for it. He’s going to offer a mood stabilizer, and potentially save his patient’s life. Reacting in a hyperactive and/or hyperproductive way to an antidepressant is a tip-off for bipolar disorder.
In your case, as in mine, if my doctor had persued a diagnosis of ADD/ADHD rather than Bipolar Disorder, I would’ve started to educate myself about it, and I would’ve gained more insight into my own behaviors and symptoms, and would have been able to report back to my doctor in a way that would have confirmed and satisfied the diagnosis. I might’ve then been prescribed a medication, or otherwise receive appropriate treatment.
However, in other cases, if my, or your doctor had persued a diagnosis of ADD/ADHD to the point of prescribing a stimulant medication to someone truly suffering from Bipolar Disorder, the results could be absolutely devastating. And this rightly scares many doctors whose first rule is to “Do no harm.”
For ADDers, erring on the side of caution, which often means diagnosing Bipolar Disorder, prevents the person truly suffering with ADD from living a full, productive life. However, erring on the side of caution, diagnosing Bipolar Disorder, also prevents someone truly suffering with Bipolar Disorder from ending their life. People who suffer from Bipolar Disorder are highly susceptible to suicide, at a rate significantly higher than those with ADD.
It is a sad thing that these disorders, or, the treatment of these disorders are at odds with one another. Give a stimulant to an ADDer and you (usually) greatly improve his life, give a stimulant to a person with Bipolar Disorder and you could set off a series of events that result in that person’s death. Because Bipolar Disorder is so severe, and the consequences are life and death, it is often hands-down treated in deference to the other, resulting, unfortunately, in continued years of suffering and misunderstanding for those that are misdiagnosed with it.
But, you can see why doctors would be more afraid to miss one over the other.
REPORT ABUSESame here with the anxiety causing increased ADD symptoms. And p.m.s. increases my anxiety. So during that time of the month, forget it. My medication really struggles to help me with the fatigue, anxiety, o.c.d. and a.d.d. symptoms. It can take a little bit of the edge off, but is still no match for what goes on with me hormonally every month.
I also have the same problem with self-confidence. Recently I was selected to perform in a new burlesque talent showcase, and when I got the e-mail notifying me that I had been selected, I had one elated moment of glee that was quickly interrupted by the thought that maybe I had gotten the e-mail by mistake, that they had accidentally sent it to me, intending to send it to someone else. Co-dependent that I am, I started worrying about the awkward position they would be in to correct the error, and even wondered if they would just let me perform and not tell me in order to avoid the embarrassment of the mess up.
Ay.
So, you’re not alone in your feelings!
REPORT ABUSEOh no! I’m not technilogically advanced! Or a good speller.
I imagine I could fiddle around on itunes and figure out how to fix the blow dryer sound, but, honestly, without the womb of warm air to accompany the sound…I suppose I could use a hot water bottle to substitute for the warmth…these are thoughts…I actually gave up my blow dryer addiction several weeks ago…now I just have the tv on low volumn to go to sleep. I play a dvd because I don’t have cable in my bedroom, and it’s kinda nice because I never have to wake up to one of those horrible horror movie commericals in the middle of the night. I’ve done that a few times and it has kept me up the rest of the night, scared senseless.
I will say that I’ve noticed ringing in my ears for a little while after running my blow dryer!
Ha ha…bringing this thread full circle.
REPORT ABUSEOh no! I’m not technilogically advanced! Or a good speller.
I imagine I could fiddle around on itunes and figure out how to fix the blow dryer sound, but, honestly, without the womb of warm air to accompany the sound…I suppose I could use a hot water bottle to substitute for the warmth…these are thoughts…I actually gave up my blow dryer addiction several weeks ago…now I just have the tv on low volumn to go to sleep. I play a dvd because I don’t have cable in my bedroom, and it’s kinda nice because I never have to wake up to one of those horrible horror movie commericals in the middle of the night. I’ve done that a few times and it has kept me up the rest of the night, scared senseless.
I will say that I’ve noticed ringing in my ears for a little while after running my blow dryer!
Ha ha…bringing this thread full circle.
REPORT ABUSEMe too! Me too! I’m much more concise when I am given the opportunity to write out (or type out) my response, but it takes me a really long time to be that concise and make sure I say everything I want to say. I have to go back and edit. It can take me hours to compose an e-mail. I think there’s social anxiety mixed in there causing some of it, though who can say which came first – the ADD or the social anxiety. In any case, now they both act up and cause me to ramble. It’s embarrassing, and I know I’m doing it, but I seem to be unable to communicate verbally, off the cuff without giving a thousand inane details while I am trying to tell a simple story. Sometimes I’ll realize I’m rambling and that nothing I’m saying is important and I’ll just drop it in the middle. Then I get the confused pause from the other person, also the dissatisfaction of having my story flop because I got lost in the details and bored the person, when, if I had told it right, it could’ve been a really good story.
If I tell the story to more than one person, the second person has a much more pleasant experience because by that time I have practiced and know what details to leave out.
My mother does the same thing, so I get to experience myself, and it drives me crazy. It makes me feel even worse and more embarrassed for the people who have to listen to me.
We both do a lot of starting and re-starting. It’s almost like perfectionism, too. We have to get the details exactly right. So, for example, my mom will spend five minutes trying to figure out, out loud, whether something took place in the morning, the afternoon, or in what particular order in relation to other events, and none of that is pertinent to the story at hand.
She also does a lot of this kind of starting and re-starting:
(Mama): “And I said…he said…and I said…I said, “Are we going on the elevator?” and then he said…I said…he said…”
(Me): Mama, wait. Who said about the elevator? You or him?
(Mama): That morning, I had breakfast, and then I ran into this guy at the elevator.
(Me): Mama, who asked about going on the elevator, you or him?
(Mama): Oh. Me. But what happened is…..
Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!!!!!!
REPORT ABUSEOh my word! They even have my beloved blow dryer on there! I’m not the only one that is comforted by that sound! How fabulous. Completely ineffective recording (too high-pitched, plus lacking the warmth), but fabulous!
I feel so validated.
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Well, this may be the dog chasing the tail, because it’s something you’d have to remember to do, but what if you set an alarm to ring to remind you to take it?
I set the alarm on my cell phone – I can set it for “daily,” where it rings every day without me having to remember to set it, and I have it say “take medicine” on the screen when it rings, so I remember what the alarm is reminding me to do.
REPORT ABUSEmr squabadoo,
I’m a poet. Not….exactly….a big market for that, but, ehhhhhh. It’s what I do. I’m in a M.F.A. program now; got about a year to go, and my thesis is starting to form up.
I hope to publish, publish well, and publish enough that I might be valuable as part of a faculty teaching creative writing somewhere. So, teaching, but, in a situation that’s a lot different than my previous teaching experiences.
And definitely not waitressing.
REPORT ABUSEJuly 26, 2012 at 9:45 pm in reply to: Here's a really big part of the whole Holistic approach to recovery- #108645Follow up question!
What would you say has been most helpful for you in practicing mindfulness?
techniques, books (aside from the one you already mentioned), guides, affirmations etc. if anything?
How did you start out?
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