[Johane]

New blog post is up… http://cookingcacophony.blogspot.com/2011/10/writing-with-adhd.html

Don’t be shy to visit the other posts. There are recipes and all kinds of goodies…

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[Johane]

Tiddler I love your idea…

Here’s my latest blog post

http://cookingcacophony.blogspot.com/2011/10/redecorating-with-adhd.html

Redecorating with ADHD… I think the title is self-explanitory.

Johane

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[Johane]

Congratulations No Dope on getting that designation (even if you’re no longer in the accounting field…) My husband just got his this week, and I know the level of work that goes into it – as an ADHD outside observer.

Your right though, you’ve got to stay ahead of the curve and whatever you can do to give yourself a head start is a bonus. As soon as you fall behind it’s an uphill climb. Not impossible, just that much harder. I’ve recently started yet another blog (sound familiar?) and I’ve been trying to create a blog post bank (posts ready to publish at a moment’s notice) only to be sidetracked and procrastinating. Yeah… I fight it, but I always get sucked right into the procrastination quick sands all too quickly. Today’s work was meant to be on recipe development and to re-edit a prepared post on the pantry basics people should have on hand. What do I write? A whole article on ADHD. If you’d like to have a good laugh check it out… http://cookingcacophony.blogspot.com

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[Johane]

I also have a blog (yet another go at writing a blog… maybe now that my ADHD is being treated… Well you know…)

I’ve just posted a post about ADHD. You might find it an interesting read… Don’t forget to let me know what you think about it.

http://cookingcacophony.blogspot.com

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[Johane]

I’m in Canada and this is not the medicine that I need, but I thought I would share when I heard… it could be important to someone.

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[Johane]

I think this is a great idea, I’m not sure that if started planning now it would have to be in 2013 though. We could easily plan this for summer 2012.

I think we should also include a couple of other very important topics. We are focusing on our own adult ADHD, however our ADHD is very seldom in a bubble of it’s own. Yes, we have serious issues to deal with when it comes to managing our lives, relationships and homes. However we must not forget the children. I have severe ADHD. I also have 4 children, 2 of whom have been recently diagnosed with ADHD – luckily enough they have a milder form of ADHD. We are in the process of having another one of our children tested. The last child is not displaying any problematic symptoms yet, so we are waiting – either she doesn’t have ADHD, or she is not challenged enough with her regular work, and as such she can better control her currently undiagnosed ADHD.

I feel that an important topic we need to cover is how do we as ADHD parents raise our children – ADHD and non-ADHD? How do we deal with issues such as homework, discipline, housework… How do we not get distracted by a child’s subterfuge and keep them on task when we can never stay on task? Is it a situation that has to be do as I say not as I do, or can we really do something here?

I look forward to the first Canadian convention. I’m also willing to work on planning it and organizing it. Someone has to start planning. DM me.

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[Johane]

What is AWESOME about my ADHD? I don’t know yet. What gives me that AWESOME feeling? Looking at something at the grocery store and “tasting” a new dish creation. I’m not talking what’s for supper. I’m talking about seeing two things and putting them together in a new and different way to create something delicious. Like an herb stuffed lamb chop w/ citrus roasted baby potatoes and a nice sunny tomato, basil & balsamic salad… yeah, that’s an old one… but that Alleluia moment when everything comes together in my mind’s eye… erm… my mind’s mouth? lol Yeah… that’s AWESOME.

Or figuring out how to make a delicious and intricate dessert that will have people scratching their heads in wonderment of how I did it, but knowing the answer is so simple… Yeah… that’s AWESOME.

Or finding that accounting error. Yeah… that’s AWESOME.

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[Johane]

Hi Mark,

I have had that similar situation in my own family. There is a lot of resistance from both suspected ADDers and non-ADDers. I have finally got them convinced that _I_ have ADHD… After 10 years. Over the years I’ve come to realize a few things. Hopefully this will help you:

1. People will look for help with ADHD if they think they could (a) improve their existence, (b) stop failing, or (c) improve their situation… this means that the ADDer has to want to look for the root cause of a problem and then work at solving that problem. If they don’t think there is a problem… there is no problem. So, according to them, everything is fine so why rock the boat? The unfortunate part of ADD is that it is so inocuous (sp?) that even the one who is afflicted can be oblivious to it. However the effects are still there. Example from my family: A particular adult family member (I’ve always considered her an adult) has 2 degrees and to a certain extent has never reached her potential. She rarely worked in field and always had a hard time keeping a job. Why? If you ask her the reasons are numerous including others being scared by her self-confidence, she’s a woman, she’s from a different culture… The fault always lies with others rather than there could possibly be an invisible hand that sabotages her every efforts. The thing is, she considers that if she has ADHD, it means that it’s all her. She can’t see that it’s not others, it’s NOT HER, it’s ADHD. She just can’t see that difference.

2. For non-ADDers, my experience has been that it is complete misunderstanding. Like you, my biggest critic is my non-ADD sister. She doesn’t understand what the big deal is. Even yesterday we were talking about how I suspect that my child might be ADHD… When I gave her the example of my daughter’s struggles in school, my sister couldn’t understand how my daughter could have an hour to write a test, take 30 minutes to complete it, spend 30 minutes reviewing and not see that she didn’t put the minus sign in her math answer although she carried it through the problem… According to my sister, you can make a simple mistake like that, but you’d catch it in the review… I told her THAT is ADHD. I told my sister that while this can be ok in school, to a certain extent – my daughter is really smart so she is still pulling in excellent marks – she will for ever be making those kinds of mistakes, and it’s not so ok in the work force or in life.

Part of the misunderstanding is everyone makes mistakes. Yes, we all make mistakes. I just happen to always make the same ones – even when I try not to make them. I’m not trying to be perfect. I’m just trying to stop doing the things I know I shouldn’t do… or even just do the things I know I should be doing.

Another part of the problem is that the diagnosis of ADHD challenges everything we’ve believed about everything… From what’s been to what is and what will be. While my diagnosis was cathartic for me, it explained a whole heck of a lot, to my family it was challenging their perception of what is normal. They always thought that I was normal. ADHD? No way… They never had to pull me out of the curtains due to hyperactivity… I was never a risk taker. I never looked for that adreneline rush. I never practiced risky behaviour. I was never disruptive in class. There’s no way that I could be ADHD. The diagnosis was a mistake. No way. I was the perfect child. (Except I always wandered off without telling anyone where I was going… there’s a story of how I took 4 children accross town to go to the “fun” park without telling anyone… Yeah, I was only 8. The other kids were younger… Mom was livid… lol but it is a typical story from my childhood… Yeah, that’s not ADHD…)

3. As much as it hurts to be dismissed by others, the diagnosis hurts them. It challenges the norm for them. They always thought that you were normal, you were you and you were normal. Now you’re not supposedly “not normal”. If you’re “not normal” what is normal? It may be a small concern, but it’s still a concern. What they don’t understand yet is that in treating your ADHD, you will still be you. You will be you with fewer frustrations and less frustrating… believe me, your ADHD made you frustrating to others… Well maybe not you, but it certainly did me…

So my best advice is, stay calm. Don’t worry. Work on yourself. Do what you need to do to be healthy and happy. Don’t try to save them (I know it’s counter intuitive), but do throw out the life ring. That means don’t preach, but be open to their questions… when they see the positive changes happening in your life, they’ll have some. It just takes a while for them to notice. Keep in mind that you know exactly how many times and how many ways “you used to screw up”. Others don’t know where you struggled. You’ll be the first to see the improvements because you’re not making the “stupid mistakes”. You won’t be asking yourself “How did I miss that?” because you will have caught it. You’ll be the first to see those changes. At one point, you’ll be successful at moving forward and others will notice that you’ve moved ahead. They’ll ask you your secret. They’ll be looking for their own answers and solutions to the problems that they are having.

Remember that your family does love you. Let anyone say anything bad about you and they’ll be there defending you. Let something bad happen and they’ll be the first at your side and stepping up to the plate to help you. Take care of yourself, and everything will fall into place. It’ll just take time, so don’t push it. Seriously… It took 10 years for me. I wish it hadn’t, but my family’s stubborn – so I come by it naturally, and I just wouldn’t let go of that bone…

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[Johane]

I have ADHD. It was first diagnosed back in early 2001. My then husband told me not to use my diagnosis as a crutch. Then 9/11… It just so happened that his brother was getting married in the states the weekend after. My then husband and his family went down. I stayed behind with our daughters. When they were obviously distressed, I called my then husband and tried to make arrangements to help them. In an “in-advertent” mishap, I overheard a conversation that no one realized was being recorded on my voice mail… When asked point blank by his father “Is she crazy?!?” My then husband said “Yes she is.”

Admitedly, with 3 children in tow and 1 more coming, I stayed. I stayed for another 2 1/2 years. He was completely unsupportive and even now says that I’m bi-polar not ADHD… I’m always amazed that his nuclear engineering degree also came with a psych, accounting and law major… Anyhow, even now he is unsupportive still, even when we are looking at the possibility that some of our daughters might be ADHD.

My new husband is much more supportive. He has gone to speak with my psychologist to find out what is what about ADHD. He is not parental or condesending to me. He sees me and my ADHD as two seperate entities. Personally, I see myself as the normal person who is caught in the eye of an ADHD tornado.

My recommendation? Sit down with your boss and use descriptive language to explain your situation. I’ve used imagery like grand central station (all tracks merging and leading every which way with many locomotives… am I in the driver’s seat or on the hook off the back of the caboose?) Or even standing on 2 seperate rings, one going faster than the other, and trying to hand off things between the ADHD ring and the non-ADHD ring… Sometimes the hand-off just doesn’t happen. It has to be a two-way communication. You have to be honest and frank about what it is you can and can’t do. Others have to be honest about what it is that they expect and what they need. It’s not easy, but I’ve found it to be effective.

Keep in mind 2 things: ADHD requires good humour. I know we’ve always been made to feel small and incompetent (well, at least I have…) but having a good sense of humour is much easier than letting things fester and build and destroy you. The second is actually something that works to ADHD strength to a certain extent… Move on – as in don’t worry about it. If you worry too much about things, they become bigger problems. It’s skating that fine line of being aware enough so that you keep an eye out for things, but not so much that you are only looking for those things that will trip you up.

And as always: Work with your coach. There is nothing wrong with having a coach. It’s like having a translator with you in a foreign land. Until you learn the language for yourself, it’s important to work with someone who can do some translating, or else there could be a lot of bad feelings because of “bad communication”.

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[Johane]

I see that js-cart… lol

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[Johane]

Hi Kimberly,

My best advice is get councelling. ADD is not something that will every go away, so whenever issues come up, not only will you and your spouse have to deal with the issue, you’ll have to deal with it with ADD in mind. Even if it’s under management. Especially during any time of important change – such as new treatment, move, new family situation (new baby, parents moving in next door, new pet…)

With new treatment, you can be looking at life completely differently than you were a year ago, much more so than 5 years ago when you got married. All of a sudden, you’re not nuts. All of a sudden, the world is open before you. All of a sudden the roads and doors that were blocked off to you before are open. For the ADDer, diagnosis and treatment can be like being given the keys to a candy shop for a child… I’m sure that you are not different than before. I’m sure he’s not different than before. The only thing is that you’ve now gotten a diagnosis and are receiving treatment.

With councelling, you’ll get better perspective. Councelling doesn’t mean you’re marriage is going to pot. It means that you’ve encountered a situation for which you may not have the tools to deal with. Going to get councelling is going to look for the tools that you need.

My husband and I are looking at this same thing, not only do I need to go for councelling for myself, but we need to go for councelling to deal with ADD in our relationship.

PS: when reading this to my husband, he thought that your husband might be ADHD too… Councelling would sort that out too.

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[Johane]

Everyone’s experience with religion and religious services is different. Much like everyone experiences ADD differently. I’m a Roman Catholic. I go to Mass every week. I learned years ago that going to Mass isn’t about a series of rote prayers or about standing, sitting and kneeling. What I learned years ago was that going to Mass was about being Present in the Presence of God. So I attend. My mind wanders. I figure if I’m made in His image, then He’s OK with my being absent minded and fidgety.

I was only recently diagnosed with ADD, so duringng all of this time, I was undiagnosed ADD. As time went on, it became easier for me to attend Mass and oddly enough to pay some atttention during Mass.

Hopefully, this will help you and others as you travel your road of Faith.

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[Johane]

Right now? 4, but I just shut down 3 in the last 30 minutes… and today is a quiet day…

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[Johane]

Miguel, how about standing in a gay bar for 3 hours _without_ realizing that I was standing in a gay bar…

I had recently moved back to my home town. I had never been much of a “cluber” in my younger days, and this was a new bar… I was having fun, meeting people and what not… Sang some Karaoke, cause well… I like singing… I spent 3 hours wondering why the guys were not hitting on me. That is, I spent almost 3 hours wondering. About 10 minutes before I had to leave to meet friends at another destination, I saw the pride flag in the corner…

This was 3 days before I got caught in another sexually explicit situation that leaves my friends stunned. Let’s just say that I was astonished, had never seen anyone behave in this way and I was so oblivious to what was going on I was completely gobsmacked by what I saw. I can’t explain here because it was rude, crude and well, not something to be discussed in mixed company.

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