[Robbo]

I think I’m still in a little denial about finding out the medication my doctor decided to let my try is not covered. And I can’t afford it. I’m a little freaked but didn’t have my hopes up.

Thanks for the compliment. Sitting down all the time was the hardest part. But don’t get me started… ACK! (I wrote a long post, but it’s camping on my desktop. May never get posted.

I need to focus on positives. I do very much appreciate the encouragement. It is true too. ADHD is a fate I’m still not sure I’ve fully accepted. Much worst than getting hit by a truck from behind while sitting on a bike at a red light. (flying 97 feet) I got my shoulders, my arms n hands. Anyone wanna trade brains? lol.

worse things have happened.

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

>>>>>After she told me three times to take am exit off a roundabout that didn’t exist and I circled round the roundabout more than 3 times I completely lost it. So after pulling over and asking her (shouting to be precise) what the f*** she actually wanted me to do and continuing in that manner for some considerable time, just as I ripped her off the mounting to throw her out of the window I noticed my passenger. I had forgotten I had a passenger – a work colleague – I’m her line manager. She looked completely and utterly terrified. <<<<<

It’s so dang fun to go back a re-read some of these posts. LMAO!! Thanks for posting about your Bi&^H ass Garmin voice Scatty lady. hehe. I can totally see me doing the same thing, if I had one. Especially the part about forgetting I had someone with me. Sometimes if I have someone in the passenger seat and I really ham it up when I yell at other drivers who are impatient. I drive like a granny. (nowadays) But even more so when my friend who just turned 82 was with me. I had my old friend laughing his butt off. I act like I’m joking but most, well… lot’s of times I do get pissed of at impatient drivers. I used up all my rights to drive like a maniac when I first got injured. I had no doctor that would believe how bad my Neuropathic pain was, so Adrenaline was my pain reliever. Great stuff too.

I save a ton of money on fuel economy keeping the RPM’s under 2000, it’s much easier on wear n tear to my car. I do let it get up past 6000 while getting on the freeway sometimes, gotta spin those bugs outa the motor. Right billd? I still really dig rapid acceleration too.

Thanks for the laughs…

wed 5:36 pm 2/22/12

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

Whelp, so much for the long acting Ritalin my doctor prescribed, he said it was “the generic”. But I found out today it wasn’t covered. 150.00 a month. And a gamble at that. I just left the prescription at the pharmacy. I’ll think about it. I forgot to even look at it so I’ll have to call the pharmacy tomorrow to see exactly what it was. My hopes were not up.

Oh well. At least I didn’t get poked in the eye with a sharp stick, right?

Back to the scribbled all over, erased n re-written, complicated and cluttered drawing board. Or drawing Bored!…. Crap, maybe I’m bi-polar and I’m afraid to be artificially mellowed out. We shall see.

I was watching some hilarious Videos on youtube by Rick, “History Bites” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58WuanPbwrg&feature=related They’re great!!! hilarious!, I watched more than a dozen then clicked on some “inside the add brain” ones, that led me to some “rapid cycling bi-polar” ones. confuzed the heck outa me!. I’m gonna try to find a thread about the difference between ADHD and rapid cycling bi-polar here, not very soon though

I don’t become omnipotent, or suicidal… But moody, hell yeah.

I can’t look at myself too much. I’ll find what I’m afraid of instead of what’s actually there.

Mostly I’m just selfish. I’m not being too hard on myself. Just brutally honest. That’s how my posts get so long. They are all about me, on and on and on. About ME!!!! A LOT!!! the solution to my ADHD may be more simple than I realized.

12:29 am 2/22/12

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

Thanks Scatty, sis/bro.

Kindred Spirit sounds the best.

Bikes are great, I don’t trip on it much. ADHD has made dealing with it a bit harder. But this ADD mind of mine can be my worst enemy. I’m getting better at dealing with it too. If I had to choose, I’d rather be paralyzed than have ADHD. No lie.

Because of this web site, n the places it’s led me. I can deal with both fairly well now. But that can change just like the weather. “when you’re traveling at the speed of light, don’t trip” I think I made that up. But I’ll bet some famous person already said it.

I think we’re all capable of being very organized. For me, it seems I’ve always been much better at keeping organized at work. Even managed a handful of times in restaurants. First a pizza place, later I was a sues chef. There’s a clear difference between how organized I can be at home and at work. I’ve been fired for being late. Fired for having too quick of a temper when I was 19 and became assistant Mgr. at a Togo’s (excellent sandwich shop). Later when I managed a pizza place. I did great. Accept for the paperwork. I got in trouble with the Bank because my bank deposits were wrong more than just a couple times. So I can’t count. But I could keep the place “looking” organized, neat n clean. The inside of my brain is a different story.

My apartment is sanitary, clean. But very cluttered. Sometimes it gets very organized n I’m in heaven for a short time. Then I start forgetting to put stuff away when I’m finished… it stacks up… mizery begins to snowball… you guys know the rest of that continuing saga.

Junk mail… Crap!, don’t get me started huh?

>>> I think maybe what she’s seeing as ‘organised’ is me working very fast, dashing around with a serious look on my face (thinking, ‘where the hell am I supposed to be right now?’ probably!) <<<< We kinda “look” organized when we’re in that sorta hyperfocused, desperately keeping from looking as confused are we actually are mode. I dunno. Maybe that’s just my perspective. We can sometimes forget to give ourselves a break. Or even some credit!. You deserve some Credit Tidler, I betcha that’s all your co-worker was doing. :o)

Here’s a pat on the back,

***Pat Pat Pat*** Good Job!!!

OOps almost forgot.

Yep, that’s me. My “deep thoughts” pose, ***snicker** it was my lady friends idea. We had fun. (not the “new” lady friend, good friend though)

11:56 pm 2/21/12 pst

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

I make em all the time. Typos are some of my favorites. Remember snigglets? from old SNL shows from the 70’s

Burgacide. That’s when a hand made burger breaks up into too many small pieces on the grill, gives up cuz it can’t “keep it together” and hurls itself into the hot coals below.

Carpetuation. That’s when you vacuum a piece of string or tape, the vacuum won’t pick it up but you keep rolling it back n forth over n over.

Perplextinuationderment. Stuck in an endless loop of perplexed bewilderment. AKA ADD/ADHD

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

It’s good to rant. A lot. Just to get it outa my system. On paper or a screen is better than stuck inside me. I’ve read your posts Filmbuff. In other words, I’m listening. I hear you.

Lot’s of times I just need to talk, the next best thing is to write here. If I write enough eventually I find my own answers. Not all of what I write makes it on to the pages here. But the solution part sometimes does. I’m sure it helps at least a small handful. Perhaps hundreds or more, ya never know.

Thanks for sharing your reality with us. We give a crap.

We do. We care cuz lot’s of us feel the same pain.

Stick around, keep writing. That’s the closest thing to advice I’ll be giving you for tonight. I feel less alone when I read about your hellish experiences. That helps, so thanks.

<<<<We have the worst health care system in the world. >>>>>

I don’t care what the truth is, but what you’ve said is how I feel a lot. People with disabilities, You, me… the rest, the invisible. We’re lucky to get those 6 sessions. Gotta fight like crazy to get em too. Then they treat/use us like lab rats. medical students n young residents PRACTICE medicine on us, WAY before they get the hang of it. They don’t need to pay grave robbers any more, they got us!!

I’m really crazy. Absolutely nuts, so I find humor in all kinds of places normal people don’t, and it’s spills outa the cracks in my skull like lava. The lava usually comes after the volcano blows it’s top. Deep and profound huh? ahh, maybe not. My humor is like lava, creeping along, searing hot, and dangerous. Lave turns into brand new earth, and paradise, even good beach breaks. (for surf-able waves)

On a good day, I have the ability to edit out a lot of the struggle n just write the funny stuff. A few folks in this camp laugh so hard they almost pee. Some do pee!, lol. I’m not sorry about that, pyoo. But then they forget to write anything because something shiny caught their attention before they get the chance. Maybe they come back to post a reply, but can’t find my post. See what I mean? I found the solution to some of my fears just by writing about my frustration first. I wrote about that on another thread. It takes time sometimes.

So keep venting the crap. I bet there’s some cool stuff just underneath all that history of torment n struggle. OOps, I gave ya some more advice.

Never mind.

12:27 am pst 2/21/12

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

LOL! ukay, I get’s the pikcher. Thanks for fillin me in Scatty lady. Sorry bout callin you “brother” Scattty on some other thread. Justa lil brain fart, I wonder if brain farts can be considered a symptom of ADHD? no need to answer…

Hippo’s! yep, they have those suspicious looking “We’re up to something, we don’t trust you humans as far as we can hurl you” look in their eyes, huh? Good luck on your giraffe idea/mission should you choose to accept it. Pete, remember, giraffes don’t make good ninja’s okay? too much neck to break, n they can only run in slow motion. Huh”?. Your posts are fun to read.

So, about this lovely lady I’ve met.

This is sometimes the best part of any romance relationship, the interest, the intrigue, the mystery. And then there’s my imagination!… oh boy, oh man, oh jeeze… It may turn out to be nothin. Gotta keep that in mind. Nah, too boring huh? ***grin***

I wrote this last nite. Most of it’s on the cutting room floor, but it’s as short. Thanks for the support gangstars. And the good support at the “ASK JIMI”

thread. I’ll honor the great advice by following it as well as I’m able.

Peace!

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

Thanks tons you guys. I believe you guys. I just need to quit listening to my fears. They live rite here between my darn ears.

I shall do a better job of ignoring them. Also think much more before I post stuff. Letting a post camp in my new 1st draft folder for a long enough time helps. They get much shorter after I edit them even just an hour or two later. The longer the better for me.

Leaving this web site behind me would be worse than kicking myself in the teeth. More like removing them.

Love and peace to ya-all

I ain’t the only termite!

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

I know it’s probably dumb, but people almost never answer my questions on my posts. It’s a bummer. I feel ignored.

Maybe I’m like Debbie Downer on SNL, the bewilderment is surreal.

I wish people would be frank with me if they see me as acting too “inappropriate”, or just crazy. I feel like I’m just being needy, but I do want some feedback even if it’s negative. Becoming invisible here suks tons.

If people ignore this one, I’ll probably just quit. There a plenty of other web sites.

sunday 10:21 pm

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

LOL, I get it! funny.

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

It’s all the time, I just need to remember to right down some of the stuff.

We have quick minds. One time my daughter, her big brother, n his girlfriend were visiting me. I was in “clown mode” a little bit hyper. I love watching all kinds of science stuff. Used to have the discovery channel, Science channel, all those brainy channels. I love physics n I’ve read about all different kinds of new age spirituality and a handful, (big handful) of religions. so I’ve got a lot of true material to work with in my head. I mix in unbelievable but possible Incredibly amazing untruths into some of my long rambling “philosophical” discussions. About 6 or 7 times in a row, I went off on one of my tangent and mixed in a bunch of goofy exaggerations. After one of them asked me “really” “is that seriously true?” the 3rd or 4th time I would look at them and say “nope, I made all that up” with a look like a little kid who just tricked his parents on my face.

These poor kids nearly fell off my couch laughing. It was one of the best visits I’ve had. I lived in a hellish very crime ridden drug infested poor neighborhood at the time. Most of my neighbors were drug addicts, drug dealers, or just very poor and very mizerable. It’s miracle I survied living there 3.5 years. One time there was a shootout in my front yard. I scrambled to try to get it on video with my web cam!!!! what an idiot huh? There must have been 15 cop cars there within 20 minutes. (it took a long time for the cops to show up in that neighborhood)

I made the best of it. I wish I could remember some of those silly crazy stories.

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

Hang tough Filmbuff,

Beleive it or not, I know some of your pain. All pain is relatively the same. We just experience it differently. Even compassion can be excruciating. Empathy is torturous. It’s the reward of compassion and empathy that make living IN the pain worth while.

I hope you find some people in your life that really understand how you feel. Please try to find them, and maybe you can begin to help you when you help them. Ya might as well give it a shot. All you’ve got to loose is the misery, hellish heartache, and of course the Anger we sometimes use to avoid the overwhelming grief we feel when we keep on getting kicked in the teeth by a cold blooded dog eat dog, hell called life.

Just my 7 cents worth

Love, peace and true enlightenment to you my kin dread spirited friend.

Sun 7:36 pm pst 2/19/12

Victory!!! I guessed the date this time and when I clicked the time place on my computer screen I was right!! I know what day it is!!!! Heck I’m well on my way to being sorta smart affter all. huh>

Ah crap. I know, don’t say it.

.

.

.

.

Idiot, huh?

Crap!

I’m a fun idiot at least! huh?

if you forced me to answer, I’d have to guess that ADHDer’s probably think about killing ourself, try to kill ourselves with high risk extreme sports. But I seriously doubt many of us will ever be dumb enough to kill ourselves. We’ll think ourselves out of it every time. I gave up those dark thoughts a very long time ago, and I’ll never go back. I think it was about 20+ years ago. I was in so much pain that all I could think about was ending my life. I had no plan. I was too screwed up to put together any kind of plan. I had good benefits at teh time. I was a union carpenter. so I called the psychologist or someone in that office, told em how I was feeling. They asked me if I wanted an ambulance to talk me to the mental hospital. I said “Nah, I won’t do it, I just can’t stop wanting to” Drove myself there and that’s when I first started taking prozac. I went totally absolutely hypER manic in a couple weeks. They switched me to paxil and I was fairly okay for another 5 or 6 years.

then I got hit by a truck while stopped at a red light on my motorcycle. A 16 year old teen in a pickup truck blew right through me from behind. I was a ragdoll in the air for 97 feet. and now I have Chronic stinging pain that makes me wish I believe it’s possible to die. I know deep down there is something that created all this. And there is love in the world. I will not entertain the idea of killing me. that’s just too much pain to be responsible for. There are too many people I love and more I care about tons.

It’s just dumb anyway. JMHO. Being dumb is not a crime. If it was I’d be criminally insane!!!

7:49

I almost forgot, hey Filmbuff, how did you get that, oh crap I just figured out how… never mind.

Dang, I gotta quit saying I’m an idiot. it’ smaking me more idiotic.

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

Dang!

What if the Buddhists are right, and I end up a termite in my next life? Holy Crap man, that like totally freak me out, can you dig?

FAAARRR OUT!

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

Cool, I thought about getting a tatoo for years n years…. 4 freakin ever! I wanted to get a Yin Yan over my heart. Never did.

That was when I was deep into the Hindu lifestyle. Vegetarian… I would go to an ashram, rub the belly of Buddha, then bow. The Real Buddha would not like it if he saw us bowing before ANY idol, God, the God as I understand him is the only God I bow down to now. I fear God. He’s powerful. He created time.

I had to go through a buncha hoops to get where I am now. Lot’s more ahead of me.

Hoops are POOP!

I wish I could just hop over them.

This could turn into a poem

A song

Long song.

Inspirational, Improvisional.

Priceless indeed.

And free

for

THE TAKING

because that’s

what we do.

We take

we take,

Yep,

that’s me

and that’s you.

Put this to music

my new friend Toofat

I know that you can too

I’d bet on that.

I’ll be waiting

for the CD

or file from you

So I can plug it into

My most favorite awesome toy

The stereo with big bass

Sub Woofer, it’s HUGE!!

Then I’ll Jam like a rock star

Inside my own mind

And even play with my Gi Tar

N pretend I’m in a band.

Take these lyrics toofat, n make a cool song if ya want. Might be fun.

What were we talking about? lol

OH yeah tatoo’s

I got my first one months ago

A cross, soaked with blood

Patched with metal

and between me and flames. Red, yellow, orange, black, n Green.

The flames I imagine when Neuropathic pain hits the roof.

That’s true.

I impulsively purchased a liner and a shader, a box of Ink n all the supplies.

My friend Greg Did the trunk of my tree on my leg.

It’s the beggining of a tree,

My Ghost tree.

With pictures of the people I’ve lost. 2 to suicide, others to greed. Some from old age, cancer, and neglect, priceless ladies who helped me tons. They Got me started reading the Bible. Then I started to really study it with them, these angels, I have two old friends One who’s 81, the other 84. They’ve been coming to my home for years, helping me figure out my 11 Bibles, 13 including the two on CD, and DVD. When my lady friends left us. I never cried. It doesn’t matter what’s true. I believe they’re in heaven now. And my heart is at peace without them.

A tatoo should be meaning full. At first I wanted to get two blood red tears under my eye. But Gred drew it on with a pen first. Good idea Huh? It looked like hell. He told me about putting tears on killers in prison. Two alcoholics died… I thought I could have helped them more. I was afraid I was gonna be Impulsive, fear kept me from listening to my gut instict. The Gut said GO HELP NOW! I smoked weed instead. Now they’re both dead. So on my leg I had to fight for. more than 7 second opiniions… All the rest wanted to cut off my entire leg. Looks like keeping it was a good idea. I listened to my gut. That’s why.

some day I’ll get the Ghost tree done. But It kills me to think about it.

The tears they flow like rain…

Sorrow

Grief

and PAIN….

ROBERT FIELD

6:36 pm Sun. pst 2/19/12 no matter how many times I click on the clock on my computer screen, I still have to click again because I can’t remember the date. EVER (well sometimes I can, actually, that’s just bullshit. hehe)

REPORT ABUSE

[Robbo]

Wow! cool, I got done just in time to watch the Bill Moyers Journal on PBS, freaking AWSOME topic today… at 6:00 there’s a show about Chronic pain, I was gonna write notes n put em on the walls to help me remember to watch again. I watched it wed, at 7:00, that note is still stuck on my TV. Really good TV show. Helps me understand why I have such a hard time staying away from Weed.

Medicial Pot is a dangerous and possibly LETHAL idea for some. To me smoking pot is like Gasoline on the Fire that is ADHD… Just my strong apininon Ta hek with spillin. JMNSHO, just my not so humble opinoinotm Dang fingers!!! ugh.

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts