[AbbyNormal]

Thanks, kc, for giving me a giggle along with feeling understood!
On Facebook, I once shared a meme with the “pecked by chickens” concept, and all I got was an annoying remarks like, “I got lucky, my kids are awesome!”, after which I just about wanted to go postal, LOL. Love the “..sleep through as many days as you can.”, that met my daily needed allowance of sarcasm!
I do need to remember that his emotional maturity is well behind his age, that perspective does stir up some sympathy.
I know I’ve made mistakes in my parenting, who hasn’t, I know. But with us both being emotionally immature, these mistakes can cause ripples in the pond that stick around for a very long time. I never had any diagnosis or support for my ADHD growing up. So with the best of intentions to help my son like I never was, there are many ways I’ve tried to “help” and done quite the opposite, been overly focused on Showing (“This is the right way, this will be better”), rather than Supporting (“These are some choices, what would YOU like to try?”) When he’s not completely closed off we sometimes we talk about being more gracious with each other as we each try to do better as we learn more and know better. “If you really want someone to change, you’ll allow them room to do it gracefully.” So far, his anger muscles are bigger than his forgiveness muscles. I hope it isn’t too late for things to get better between us. Oh how I’d love to jump in the wayback machine and be less controlling, more empowering, less focused on “fixing” and more appreciative of his way of seeing the world. I wonder what it would be like now if I had been.

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks ever so much, Scatty. What you wrote did help- It always helps to hear that others are going through similar difficulties, that I’m not the only one, and how you felt at that age.
I’m going to reread your note more than once, maybe even take a screenshot of it, LOL. I’ll definitely look into mindfulness, it’s a concept I’m unfamiliar with, but if it’ll help me detach from feeling and hurting everything so deeply, I think it could be transformative. Thanks again, you always help me!

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[AbbyNormal]

I’m on Vyvanse, too. Switched a couple years ago from Concerta. I’ve been wondering lately if I need to switch it up again. How does the Ritalin SR compare for you? Curious to hear a review.

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[AbbyNormal]

I felt I was crabbier and more emotional on Concerta than when I changed to Vyvanse, but in hindsight maybe my dose was just too high. I say this because when I was trying to adjust my Vyvanse dose to see if 70 would be better than 60, I discovered that 70mg definitely made me more agitated than 60. So I went back to 60, which seems to be my optimal dose.
Maybe all adhd meds have this effect when it’s not the optimal dose for you?

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[AbbyNormal]

It really works for me too, Mel! At first I was on Concerta but, as you put it so well, there was a noticeable transition in my feelings. About an hour after taking Concerta I’d get teary-eyed at the slightest thought provocation, which felt really strange! Then I tried Vyvanse (my son had been taking it for 6 months already and liked it much better than Concerta) and immediately liked it.
I recently went up from 60 to 70 mg because I felt less “on top of things” than I had been. But after a month or 2 I realized that 70 mg made me feel much more agitated. I’m happy as a clam back down to my optimal dose of 60.

🙂

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks for this info, I’ve played with this app on my iPod today and LOVE it!! It’s so flexible, it let’s you remind yourself either hourly (calls it a “nag”) or daily (this is named a “reminder”)- So awesome, it’s the reminder app I’ve been searching for!!

I think I might need to upgrade and feed the guy and his dog, because they deserve it!

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks so much, you guys! Your kind words helped me relax and feel better. The more I think about it, I agree that although I regret that my timing was horrrrrrible and much delayed, I communicated with love and empathy the best way I knew how. No regrets there.

Love, Abby

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[AbbyNormal]

mountainman- in the App Store, search for Errands and Errands-To Do will pop up. Thanks, ph0t0bug, just downloaded it, love that it says it has alarms I can set, yay!!

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[AbbyNormal]

Ok, when you read this update, please do temper the tough love with some empathy, I’m in a pretty fragile emotional state over the wreck that I’ve finally made of all this.

My friend and I never did get together, virtually stopped talking over the last several months. Last spring, she messaged me to ask after me: “I just don’t hear from you anymore- is there more to it than you’re just busy?” I told her I was just needing to lie low for awhile, was having adhd-type communication problems with the outside world. She didn’t respond in any way after that. What I really wanted to say, and didn’t, was: “All my energy is going to dealing with chronic health issues (that you don’t like to talk about with people) and ADHD issues with myself and my son (which I can’t talk about with you because you don’t relate well and it doesn’t feel safe for me to discuss because you think we’re hard to take already!”).

So months go by and I even made an attempt at more contact over the summer but neither of us were feeling it and it went nowhere. And I still hadn’t told her what the central issue was/is- the elephant in the room that I felt still needed to be addressed before things could get better. I was afraid, and we never got together anymore for a deep talk to come up naturally.

Then a few weeks ago I read a post on Facebook from her to everyone and she’s got breast cancer. I was devastated for her, so sad. I also felt the change in status from a “call and see her” friend to a “hear about her life on Facebook” friend. I knew it’d been mutual over the last year, but still felt weird, after having known her so long and being there for the death of her mother 2 years ago. Trying to take up on a social cue of where I stand in her life, I responded in kind- I commented and messaged on FB. She messaged back that she was all “talked out” from having to call family members. So, taking that info + knowing she hates talking about health issues + we weren’t close anymore, I didn’t call. But I did message and text words of support and grief for her.

So what do I choose to do next? Why, write a long note of kind words about her cancer but also clearing the air! Surely, it’s the best time to do such a thing! She needs to know why I haven’t called her and why I’ve pulled back! She needs to know NOW! I swear the words on my gravestone are going to be, “It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”. Like I said, be gentle when you rough me up after this.

SO, I finally communicated my feelings with her, in a letter- because, frankly, talking to her in person intimidates the hell out of me- she can be defensive and vindictive when she feels confronted. First said I was devastated for her when I read about her cancer. Told her that if anyone I know can beat the damn thing, it’s her. And said that if the caring and love of people around you could beat it, she’d already be cured. Then admitted it was a long time coming, been meaning to talk to you in person, etc. Gave her the option to opt out and not read any further if she wasn’t ready for personal revelations. Told her about the incident that hurt me “You’re hard to take sometimes!” and how it crushed me. Told her I’d been oblivious to being difficult, not surprised, “I can be high maintenance/I’m erratic/I don’t pick up on clues”, etc. but also that can be loyal and fun. Added that I thought although the friendship hadn’t been easy, I always thought it had been worth the effort, and that some of the best days of my life were spent with her. Said I wished she’d let me know each time I did something so I could change my behavior, but also pointed out that I know I neglected to tell her all this time that I was upset, and that if I hadn’t waited, maybe we could have made things better. Said repeatedly that I was sorry for the note if it was bad timing. Sorry for being a trying friend, that I could totally understand. Told her I was glad that she had a good friend in (a mutual friend that we’d met and tried to be friends with together at first but who’s now her BFF) and that I hoped she’d lean on her and let her take care of her in this time of need. And said maybe we can both have closure about this now, but that if she wanted to talk, I’d always leave a light on for her. Told her I loved her.

And she messaged me back a torrent of hate. I won’t speak to something said over a year ago. You can’t come to me now and act like you were such a wonderful friend and I cut you and left you devastated. Wishing me well weeks after the fact is unconscionable. I’m going through cancer without my parents and I hope you’re never in my shoes. She unfriended me and asked me to leave the women’s group I’ve been in with her for the last 7 years.

And I’m trying not to obsess over it, but it’s hard not to 1) want to respond back in defense all the things she got wrong or 2) take to my bed and give up on communicating with anybody at all. Extremes are our specialty, after all. Middle ground? What middle ground?

So I just replied back. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I hope you can forgive me someday.” and left it at that.

Hate ADHD. Hate lacking social skills. Hate being misunderstood. Hate being hated. Hate being wrong. Hate regret. Hate how I’ve botched this up FUBAR.

:*(((

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[AbbyNormal]

kc6jck, in my book, 3 days, tops!

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks for asking, Scattybird!

He did really well! It was ok that he didn’t have his ID with him, or his schedule. They just had some opening day talks and walked around the school together. I was very relieved and have been able to become more centered about this whole transition to h.s.

He’s had a few bumps understanding verbal directions (he also has auditory processing challenges), and isn’t quite back in the groove of “using his tools”, like writing things down and asking teachers for due date clarifications.

But, all in all, I’m proud of the leap in maturity he’s taken! I think with joining marching band over the summer and being around older kids, the freedom of high school has awakened a sense of autonomy in him and he’s so far meeting the challenge!

It’s weird, though- between him starting h.s. and my new job that has me working afternoons through early evening, I’m not home after school and sometimes not even dinner! All in all, it feels like a different life than just a few months ago. A good life, but different.

TooFat, I do see your point that it is ultimately HIS responsibility. But I think I was so distressed because I usually handle the beginning of a new skill set for him as a “behavior shaping” process, where I help him more at first then pull back gradually so he can conquer the sequence successfully with less and less help. (Can you tell I’m a special educator, or what?!) So I felt like we were both unsuccessful on that first day, but it did get better. And there is something to be said for the learning value of making mistakes. It certainly didn’t help that I was also dealing with sending my only kiddo to high school- it was a lot to process, I was very emotional that whole week.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

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[AbbyNormal]

Everyone’s different but just wanted to post that after having what I thought were good results on 54mg of Concerta, I tried my son’s Vyvanse (60mg) and WOW, what a difference!!

I feel more on top of things instead of running to keep pace, and I’m not irritable anymore!!

Now that I’ve tried something different, I see that on Concerta I was very easily agitated by bumps in the road, small irritants throughout my day, not only during the transition period in the evening.

LOVE it, feel like a whole new person who can juggle 5 things instead of 3.

:^)

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[AbbyNormal]

Most of the ADHD drugs have a “cycling off” irritability effect at the end of the day, some are worse than others, and I’m sure it’s subject to individual variations. Concerta come-down for me and the one on Vyvanse for my son can sometimes sadly coincide and we just have to stay aware of it and be extra-vigilant about being gentle with each other and mindful about the need to chill out alone if it starts to cause a mood flare. Helps also to make sure you don’t have a blood-sugar drop at the same time, so a snack around that time is a good idea for us. Good luck with your pup and your other challenges, and hope knowing that others share the same symptom helps!

Abby

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[AbbyNormal]

Happy for you deciding for yourself to try them! Re: your appetite. Some meds affect appetite more, some less. Don’t be afraid to try something different to see if it allows you to feel hungrier. My son was on Concerta for a few years and then switched to Vyvanse, which, in his words, “makes me want to talk more and eat more than the Concerta did”.

Take care, and give yourself a pat on the back for working so hard this summer!!

Abby

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[AbbyNormal]

((((g))))., so sorry about the friend you lost. Your post brought me to tears because I can feel a little bit of how much that must hurt. I can also identify with the feelings of self-dislike and disappointment with yourself. I honestly don’t know how to get past those feelings because I still struggle with forgiving myself for even small embarrassing slips of the tongue and things like that. We tend to perseverate on those mistakes over time, but we’ve got to eventually give ourselves a mental Get Out of Jail Free card, and I hope someday you can do that for yourself.

I’ve done the exact same thing, am doing it right now, in fact. I have an aunt whom I used to talk to a lot when I wasn’t working but things fell off since I started getting busier. I haven’t called since January because in the past when I did remember to call, she’d tease me and say, “Nooo, it can’t be you!” And she sends complaining messages through my dad how she never hears from me, so I avoid the repeated admonitions in a very weasel-like way by continuing to not call. Oh, did I mention she just went through her second occurrence of breast cancer, complete with radiation treatments? Ya, Person of the Year, that’s me.

I’ve heard others on these forums say similar things like, “I have trouble remembering to stay in touch with friends and family.” So true, for so many of us, I’m sure.

g,

You’ve been through a lot in life, it seems. Keeping in touch with others is difficult to sustain when you’re faced with pressures and sadness at home with your immediate family. I’d love to hear other forum members advice for a way to prompt ourselves to keep in touch with those we don’t see regularly. I know with myself it’s Feast or Famine. You either hear from me a lot (too much? who knows, no one will say) or hardly ever (guilt feelings from forgetting to contact someone in such a long time perpetuates the delay because I don’t know how to explain the lack of contact. Saying “I forgot” sounds so hurtful, doesn’t it? And then, what if they’re tired of waiting and don’t want to talk anymore?). I don’t do “somewhere in-between” very well, in anything, if you get right down to brass tacks.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and hope you feel a bit better about things soon.

Love,

Abby

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